The Stuttering Stallion

Chapter 1: The Joy of Youth

He nervously sat at his desk, tapping his fingers against the table's smooth surface. He was only a boy, a fifteen year old native of Ru Nan. He wasn't born there, no, but he'd lived there long enough to consider himself a native. He knew the streets of that city better than anyone.

But today, he wasn't being tested on geography. This test wasn't about the quickest way to reach the market from the other end of the city, or how to haggle your way through the various vendors and thus take advantage of their competition. No, this was the test that would determine your worth as a human being.

Deng Ai glanced nervously at his paper. His black hair was quickly covered in sweat. His brown eyes were so fixated on the sheet that they were beginning to tear, and his palms were covered in torrents of sweat that threatened to jeopardize his previous answers. His hand shook violently as he held his brush. One wrong stroke could close the curtains for him.

His eyes darted to the other boy sitting next to him. That kid's expression was much more calm, much more focused, and much less uneasy. Deng Ai shuddered a little, was it the examiner's intention to test one's calmness as well as one's intelligence?

He scribbled a bit on the blank scrap of parchment the wardens gave them, just to allow these young students to brainstorm for their eventual answers to the questions on the test. Deng wasn't sure if he was approaching the problem in the correct way, but no matter what, it was better to jot down some thoughts and start solving other problems then to simply get panicked and stuck on one problem that would drain those precious minutes of exam time.

The boy's eyebrows lowered a bit when he thought harder about the test. Seriously, since when was he going to use this stuff? They were testing him on the lives of ancient scholars who lived at least three hundred years before him, some of these men lived long before the Han Dynasty even existed. His fellow Chinese countrymen were probably wearing furs and wandering around aimlessly in the woods while some of these guys were sitting down and pondering things.

But this exam determined what one's future would be. If you failed it, you'd have to retake the exam in another two years, and in the meantime, you'd probably get disowned by your clan and thrown out into the forest. Deng Ai personally knew of several ancestors who had this misfortune. A few of them even had their names erased from the pedigree because they failed one silly exam.

Deng's father became an official, but he was a simple border patrolman, all because he received seventy points out of the allotted one hundred on this exam. Anything less and he'd probably would have had to settle for being the clerk and unofficial servant for some fat, lazy, rich oaf of a bureaucrat who'd make his life hell. Deng's grandfather failed the exam on his first and second tries, and it took a third to make him the Governor of Xia Cai, some minor city stuck in the middle of nowhere.

And now it was Deng Ai's turn to feel the burn. His aunt was lucky, because she was a woman, those arrogant examiners believed that she did not have the capability to take the exam. All she could hope to be was some common housewife for a fat, poor farmer who was too lazy to grow anything but beans. But today, Deng Ai wished he was a girl, because then he wouldn't have to take this lousy excuse for an exam.

He sat there, his teeth grinding against each other in dread, filling out each problem with tremendous speed. It was up to Heaven to determine whether he'd pass or fail now... Deng Ai's mind was too burnt out to even think of cheating or double-checking. He just wanted to get this torture over with...

He scribbled, and scribbled, and scratched intensely at the table, until the examiner ordered the boy to give him the exam.

"You passed!" His mother let out a shrill yelp of joy one morning, after having forced the boy awake.

"Oh, great. Give me a medal, will you?" Deng Ai rolled his eyes, slowly getting out of bed.

"Do not act like that! You are not being a dutiful son!" His mother scowled, but it quickly became a smile. "But you passed! Now you can finally make something of yourself. Those stupid townspeople, always claiming that you'd go nowhere with your frequent stuttering and your apparent lack of concern for the rest of the world. But you passed, and I can show them that I, as a single mother, can raise a talented son like any man!" His mother beamed. "Now, Shizai, you'd better hurry to Master Bang. He'll probably be furious if you're late." She swiftly kicked him out of the house and into the streets.

Deng Ai dragged his feet along as he lazily lurched towards the Master's cottage. Bang Tou was a pedantic, pompous prick who believed that he was the smartest man alive. He assured parents that his teachings would turn even the most pathetic of children into geniuses. Unfortunately, the entire city believed that he was some glorious sage, so they brought many of their children to see him. Bang Tou eagerly let children into his abode, and kicked them out just as readily. Deng Ai had only stayed because his mother had paid Bang a hefty sum... Which unfortunately did not involve money.

Deng could hardly forgive his mother for the move. Why would she do such a dishonorable thing? Well, Madam Deng was a proud woman. Ever since her husband died, she was the one who cared for their son and who moved them both to Ru Nan from that wretched Xia Cai. If sacrificing her honor and purity was necessary to make herself seem even more amazing (a woman raising one of Bang Tou's finest pupils, for instance), she'd eagerly do it. After all, she was a widow and her life was rather boring at night.

His mother had spat on his father's grave in order to make herself look like a genius, Deng Ai thought bitterly, yet as her son it was his filial duty to respect and honor her, putting her needs above his own. Shizai couldn't stand this humiliation, but, hey, it wasn't like he had any say on the matter.

Bang Tou's blubber covered the doorway when he opened the door to greet Deng Ai. "Ah, Deng Ai, you're late." His eyes narrowed.

Deng Ai simply stared back at him: "S-sorry s-sir..." He stammered. Goddamn it, why did he have to stutter at that moment? He could have easily just said something with much more confidence, but he just had to stutter...

Bang Tou laughed, a laugh that could hardly be mistaken for a respectful response, and let Deng Ai into his cottage. Nine other students were already there, eagerly awaiting Bang Tou's brainwashing with his stupid "You create your own reality" lecture. Wasn't that obvious? Who else creates your reality? The Emperor? Heaven? Your neighbor? That fish you just ate? No, you! Deng Ai mentally snickered as he pondered the idiocy of it all.

A few hours later, Bang Tou had finished his lecture and spoke to his students. "Those of you who took the exam and passed, well, you could head off and start a new life for yourselves, or you could simply stay here and continue to listen to my ingenious lectures! I'm sure you know what path you must choose."

Deng Ai blinked. Was that old fart serious? Deng Shizai of Ru Nan could actually leave this wretched sewer of a discussion table and make a name of himself? Then why was he still here? The moment Bang finished talking, Deng Ai stood up and began to walk for the door. "Forget it, you simpleton! Scum without backbones such as you will never achieve much in your life!"

Deng Ai turned, mentally prepared himself, and yelled to his tormentor. "You can see the filth that covers others, but can you see the filth you've become? I'm not going to waste my time here anymore. Good riddance, you pathetic windbag, and someday you will know of the great Deng Ai!" Shizai raised his head up high and marched out of the cottage.

"You stupid boy! Do you know what I had to do in order to...? Well, that wasn't so bad..." Deng Ai's mother stopped her tirade for a moment to blush, but quickly assumed an angry face. "Nonetheless, you were supposed to become Bang Tou's greatest pupil, the boy who would turn from a good for nothing into a genius thanks to his teachings! You were supposed to..." Deng Ai finished packing, and turned to face his furious mother, who was blocking the doorway, trying to keep him from leaving.

"I do not care. I don't care what you were planning to do with that pathetic excuse for a human being, and I am no longer your servant. I might not have been a dutiful enough son, but you have gone too far. What widow in her right mind would eagerly sleep with a... A Thing like Bang in order to give herself some glorious name? You had a duty to raise me like an honorable mother and honor your husband's memory, but you eagerly sacrificed your purity and spat on my father's grave when you had that night of pleasure with that freak. Furthermore, you forced me to deal with that pseudo-intellectual's ramblings that have no value whatsoever. I'm sick of you. I don't care what people will think of this. You are a sick person whose shallow urge for glory has ruined your very soul. Mother, I'm leaving, and there's nothing you can do to make me stay. Good bye and I wish you the best of luck. For trust me, if you intend to continue sleeping with that bastard, well, you'll need it." Shizai turned and walked off into the distance... As a final note, his mother promptly burned his name off of the pedigree. No one needs a son like that.

Author's note: This fic tries to be as historical as it possibly can with the few records of its time. Deng Ai's mother might have been a rather noble woman, but considering the suffering Deng Ai had as a child, and how that suffering caused him to seek refuge in Sima Yi's hands, I doubt that she was that supportive of him. The general might be twisting in his grave thanks to how I've painted his mom, but, hey, there's so little we know about these people, and this is a fanfic, so I'll do what I want.