Back to Bella
By Marie J. Masen
Jacob's point of view, after Eclipse, before the wedding in Breaking Dawn
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
I focused on the dark blur of the forest, the streaks of green and brown flying by as I ran. The steady beating of my paws against the frozen ground helped numb my brain. Dum, dum-dum dum. Dum dum-dum dum. I was running for no reason other than to run. And to escape the pain.
As usual, the same thoughts popped up again, whirling around in my head like debris in a tornado. I felt as though I was playing a stupid game of whack-a-mole. The same thoughts came jumping out unexpectedly, popping up without warning before I could beat them back. Bella. The look in her eyes as she'd said goodbye: pain, sorrow, regret. Love. Her words still rang clearly in my head.
"I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me." I had sighed, but the lump in my through had refused to budge.
"The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."* I still remembered that moment with perfect clarity. I'd been on my bed, the right half of my body in a cast after the fight. Bella had been lying next to me, her small, delicate body curled up against mine. She'd touched my cheek then, her cool, soft fingers had felt like silk. Even now, in my wolf form, I could feel the tingling trail her touch had left behind.
That was the last time I'd seen her.
I remembered the wedding invitation, the heat and fury building up as I'd read his note. I had been running for weeks now, ignoring my pack's pleas to return. They'd finally caught on a few days ago. Now, they left me alone as often as possible, ignoring me and staying silent when they phased. All but one of them. Seth had continued pestering me, his optimistic outlook unclouded by my constant brooding. He kept me up to date with the stuff going on in Forks and La Push – especially with the pack, Billy, Charlie, and Bella….
I forced my legs to move faster, feeling the burn in my lungs, the bunching of muscle, and nothing else. This was why I was running. This was the reason I had left everything behind, why I hadn't phased back in so long. Because dealing with the pain was easier in this form. Here, there was only the pain of hunger, the discomfort of the cold ground on which I slept. Both were easily handled. Unlike the situation I'd run away from….
My train of thought was, thankfully, interrupted as I felt another presence growing in my head. I concentrated on the forest around me, burying my too-human thoughts and letting my wolf instincts take over.
The presence took full form in my mind, and I proved at it gently, trying to figure out which of my brothers and joined me.
Hey Jake! How are you! I recognized the upbeat, optimistic voice immediately. Seth. Of course. Through his thoughts, I could see the familiar, moss-covered trees of Forks, the terrain that was my home. He was running just north of La Push, patrolling the outer border of the reservation. I kept running, determined not the break my silence. He seemed undisturbed by my lack of response, as usual.
For a few moments, we both ran in silence; he was falling into the steady rhythm of running. I was wondering how long I would have to wait until I could be alone again. Then, out of nowhere, he asked me the one question I was hoping he wouldn't.
Jacob, when are you coming home?
My stride faltered. He'd never asked me so bluntly before, and for a moment, I wondered why he did now. Probably because it's almost time….But I stopped thinking, forcing myself to pick up the pace, making my legs go faster.
Oh, come on, Jake! We all miss you here. Its not the same without you, man.
I kept running, refusing to let my thoughts leak through the barriers I'd put up around my brain. He ignored the bitter silence emanating from my thoughts and continued.
Quil and Embry miss you, Jake, you've been friends with them since way before. And Paul's been getting worse; you know how much he hates running double shifts. Even Leah's gotten grouchier, if that's even possible. Billy misses you, too. You know how hard it's been for him, what with Rachel and Rebecca gone. He's lonely.
He paused, letting that sink, but I could tell he still wasn't done. There was something else he wanted to say, something more important. He took a deep breath and I mentally prepared myself for what I knew was coming.
Bella called again today.
This time, I let my knees buckle, my muzzle falling into the frozen ground, without fighting the reaction.
She misses you, Jake. She can't be happy without you. And I really miss you, too. I know this is really hard for you, Jacob, but isn't there another way to deal with it? Why can't you come home?
The waves of pain and fury that engulfed me were too strong and powerful to resist. They flooded my brain, breaking down the barriers that I'd built around my thoughts. I could feel Seth stumble as the waves of pain overflowed into his brain.
Because, Seth, I snarled, and I could sense him cringe away from the pain and bitterness that saturated my voice.
Because there are some things that words cannot express.
I could feel the hurt and confusion in his thoughts, the sadness and indecision. We ran in silence until finally, his presence began to recede, pulling out of my head as he phased back. Just as his awareness slipped away, I muttered an apology, and I sincerely hoped he heard me. But I was desperate to be alone, and I would do anything – even hurt Seth – to have the empty silence that now filled my head. I hated myself for hurting Seth, for putting out the constant, innocent, happy-go-lucky mood of his thoughts – he got enough of that from Leah. He so much reminded me of a younger version of myself. A happy, carefree, kid, always smiling, always so easy to be around. But that had been before my once-clear eyes had clouded over. Before Bella had turned me down….
The quiet peacefulness in my head didn't last long. Seth's words kept running through my mind, regardless of how hard I tried to repress them, to push them back and lock them up somewhere in my head. It was impossible, and I knew it. So I did what was easier, giving in and letting the conversation run through my head, even though I knew I would have to make up for it – in pain - later.
'Billy misses you, too. You know how hard it's been for him, what with Rachel and Rebecca gone. He's lonely.' I knew Seth would never say that; he could not be so deliberately mean. Sue'd probably put him up to it. She was a tough woman, and she'd do anything to protect the ones she loved.
And Bella. I wasn't sure if her worrying about me was a good thing. Seth's words repeated themselves in my head. 'She can't be happy without you.' I couldn't understand that. She had that bloodsucker now. Hadn't she already gotten everything she wanted? Why couldn't she just be happy with him? Why did she still need me? They were so happy together, unfortunately. Even I could see the burning love in her eyes when she looked at him. I had to accept that, no matter how much I wanted to deny it. So where did I come in? Where did I fit into the picture? I knew the answer, deep down, even in my wolf form. I didn't fit. And I also knew that Bella would do whatever she could to jam me in somewhere. Why didn't she just give up? It was impossible, pointless. So why did I want it so bad? How come every time I closed my eyes, I saw that picture: Bella and me. Together. Happy.
Suddenly, I remembered my own words. 'Because there are some things that words cannot express.' The truth of them overwhelmed me. There was no way to express how I felt for Bella; the way I'd do anything to make her happy, the need to be with her, to see her smile and her blush.
And there was no way to express the pain I felt when I remembered that I could never have her.
I straightened my legs, dragging my head up off the ground and howling at the stars. Sadness, despair, sorrow filled my howl, resounding in the night and echoing through the empty forest.
Almost unconsciously, my legs turned around, carrying me back the way I had come. On their own accord, my paws began running back to Forks. Back to my home. Back to Bella.
*quote from pg. 598 in Eclipse