A/N : This scenario came to me after seeing the NYE 2010 episode of EastEnders (and - for purposes of clarity - before seeing the NYD one). Couldn't stop myself writing it... needed to cheer myself a bit up after NYD... but it's probably the fastest fic I've ever written, so bear with me if it's not up to standards... Haven't decided if it's going to be a one-off, or if there's going to be a second chapter...
Please leave a review if you can. Thanks!
Always on my mind...
I'm dragging my feet... It's an awful feeling. For the first time since Sy and I are together, I feel reluctant about going home. Ever since he chose to be with me, I've been living on cloud nine. But today, I've come crashing down. And it's all my own stupid fault.
The evening went from bad to worse. To horrid. When the dreadful news hit us, I felt like someone dealt me a violent blow to the stomach. I was left breathless, powerless, drained and defeated. And sober again. Life is so bloody unfair sometimes. Why do these awful things always happen to good people? All I could think about was going home to my Sy. Now.
As the dumbstruck crowd filed out of the Vic, I found Roxy tugging at my sleeve. I can't believe she suggested we hit the West End. What the hell was she thinking? So, okay... she had too much to drink. I can make allowances for that. I've had too much to drink myself. But still... I find myself wondering sometimes why I still consider her one of my best mates. I do love her. She's great fun, we have tonnes of laughs, but sometimes she just... astounds me. Like that time she spiked Syed's drink.
And now she wanted to party? After this?
"Go home to your daughter," I snapped at her. Or at least I tried to snap. My voice sounded croaky and weak. I could feel tears pushing at the corners of my eyes.
"Go home to your daughter, Rox, hold her tight, and count your blessings" I said.
She looked at me as if I came from another planet, then some sort of realization seemed to strike her alcohol-hazed brain. She blushed, and wanted to say something, but I just couldn't bear any more, and I turned and left. Hurrying to get home. To count my own blessings...
And now I'm nearly there, and I'm dragging my feet.
What the hell have I done?
You've done nothing, the voice of reason whispers in my head. Nothing happened.
No, maybe not.. but something very nearly did. It shouldn't have. But it did. And I didn't even see it coming.
We fought.
Syed and I fought.
We'd had tiffs before... of course we had.
But this was different. This was worse. Far worse.
I wanted to go out tonight, celebrate, have a party... but he just wanted a quiet romantic night in, just the two of us cuddled up on the sofa. Any other night, it wouldn't even have been a discussion. I love our quiet nights in, and I'd choose that over a drunken night with Roxy every time.
But not tonight. "But it's New Year's Eve" I whined. Even I could hear how I sounded like a spoilt little brat. But I wouldn't let on.
"New Year's Eve is for partying" I insisted, when he stubbornly asserted that he didn't want to go out.
And so we hit stalemate.
I do know why Sy wanted to stay in tonight. For the exact same reason that I wanted to go out.
Last year.
Last year on this day, I lost him completely. My last desperate attempt to change his mind had failed miserably, and I ended up losing him. The very next day, he crushed my last shred of hope that we would ever be together.
I don't want to think about that anymore. I don't want to dwell on the past. The past is gone. Today we are together, and it's a time to celebrate that.
Why can't he see that?
But I know in my heart that for Sy it is different. Today reminds him of all the hurt he caused, and all the pain he went through himself. How he made the wrong decision. How much he hurt Amira. And me. And his family. How he lost them. I know Syed is happy in his life with me. I have no doubts about that and I know he has no doubts about us either. But no matter how bold and brave he comes across most of the time, I also know that he's still terribly hurt by his family's rejection. And today of all days he just can't put on the brave face. So he just wants the peace and quiet, and just be with me.
I knew all that. I understood it.
But some annoying little part of me just refused to give in. I wanted to go out, party, and have fun.
And I told him that.
"I want to enjoy myself tonight" I said. But his face was still closed off to me and he wouldn't listen to my reasons. I was exasperated by his non-reaction and I lashed out. Stupidly, the words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. I hadn't meant them to be as hurtful as they ended up being. The moment I said them, I wished I could take them back.
"I want to enjoy myself" I shouted at him angrily "Not sit here all night wallowing in the past!"
Syed looked as if I'd struck him in the face. He paled and his eyes clouded over. I knew that look so well, I'd seen it so often, back in the days when we couldn't be together. I had hoped I'd never have to see it again. I had promised myself I would make sure I'd never have to see it again. And in all the months we'd been together, I never had. And now it was back.
By the time I realized what I'd done, it was too late.
He called me shallow.
I called him boring
He called me inconsiderate
I called him opinionated...
In the end, we found ourselves glaring at each other angrily, tongue-tied suddenly. Without a word, Syed turned on his heels and went to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. I left the flat in a huff, in search of Roxy, and determined to have a good night, no matter what that narrow-minded boyfriend of mine said or thought...
By the time I'd reached the Vic, of course, I'd changed my mind. I couldn't leave it like this. I turned around to go back home, when Roxy latched on to me, happily screeching something in my ear about making this a night to remember. "New Year's Eve's for partying" she squealed, echoing my exact words to Syed earlier, and almost despite myself, I found myself smiling at her unbridled enthusiasm.
"Oh, what the heck" I thought.
"Yay, Rox... that's the spirit! Let's get bladdered!" I laughed loudly, and happily let me lead her into the pub.
I'm not going to deny it. Of course I thought of Syed. Every five minutes I did. No... more like every five seconds. I kept feeling that slight tug at my conscience. Maybe I should go back. Tell him I'm sorry. Make up with him, cuddle up on the sofa, see the new year in together. Tell him that I understand. That I love him.
But instead, I let myself get dragged along with Roxy. My own choice of course. There's no one else to blame. Roxy appeals to a side of me that has been deeply ingrained in me for so many years. That 'old' Christian I still digress to, that I still can't seem to let go of. Not even for Syed.
I feel guilty about that. And because I feel guilty about it, and because I try so hard to shake off that guilt, I stray further and further on that path. It's as if I can't stop myself.
Why do I keep doing this? It always ends in tears. Look at the mess I'm in now. What have I been thinking?
There's only one thing that really matters.
Syed.
I love him. Oh my God, I love him.
I need to go to him and tell him that.
Now.
My feet pick up the pace, my heart skips a beat, and I hurry home.
0+0+0+0
When I turn the key in the lock and quietly open the door, I find myself in darkness. All is quiet. In the silence I can hear his breathing. He is asleep. My heart sinks. I don't know why I even expected him to wait up for me. It's not as if we parted on good terms. Maybe I should be glad he's even here. I feel my stomach heave at the thought that he might have left me. But he hasn't. He's here.
And he has left on the light above the cooker, as he always does when he expects me home late. I suppose that is a good sign.
I should be counting my lucky stars. And I am. But I feel so awful... and so guilty. I run my hands over my face, and exhale heavily. I'm such a fool.
My eye catches the yellow patch on the hood. It's a post-it note. I know what it says. Reminding me to switch off the light before I come to bed. Usually followed by a "love ya" and a kiss. Will that be on there today?
After everything I said.
After everything he said.
I feel a pit in my stomach as I approach, and my hand shakes when I tear the note free, and hold it under the light to read.
"You know what I'm going to say about the light. Just do it."
No love and kisses then, I quietly despair, and I'm not sure if the tone of the message is meant to be joking or just plain angry... but then I notice... there's three scribbled letters at the bottom.
"P.T.O."
My stomach flutters nervously as I turn the little paper over.
"You know I love you. Don't ever forget.
Sy xx"
I want to cry. My knees start to wobble and I just about manage to pull out the nearest chair and lower myself on it. I put my elbows on the table and bury my face in my hands. I don't know which feeling prevails. The relief at Syed's sweet words of love. Or the guilt over what I've done.
And there's that horrid utter sadness at everything else that happened tonight. The death of a child really makes anything else pale into insignificance.
And still...
Only one thought keeps hammering through my brain.
I kissed another man.
Ever since it happened, I kept dancing around it in my mind, trying to shrug it off as a stupid, insignificant, drunken, foolish blip. But now I can't deny it any more. Here, in the face of Syed's forgiveness, his beautiful sweet declaration of love, I have to face up to the raw reality of what happened. Of what I've done.
Fact is... I let this man get close enough to kiss me. I saw him coming closer, and I could have avoided the touch. And yet I didn't.
Why was I even alone with him? Why did I go with him when he suggested to find a quiet spot to talk? Why?
He wasn't even my type. He was nothing like my type. Apart from the fact that he was male, and that he was wearing a skirt... there was nothing about him that even vaguely interested me. Why would I even want to look at another man when my boyfriend is by far the most gorgeous specimen I have ever laid my eyes – and my hands – on..
I can blame the drink, I can claim a moment of involuntary insanity. But fact is... I was there with him alone. And I let him kiss me.
The moment his lips touched mine I knew it was wrong. It felt awful and sickening, and I couldn't get out there fast enough... But it happened. I let it happen.
Realization suddenly strikes me. As if I look on from the outside, I can see myself the way I am when I'm drunk and professing only to be out for a good time. Loud, bashful, party animal Christian. Never let any seriousness get in the way of fun. Oh no...
I chuckle bitterly. The 'old' Christian...
I'm not sure I even like that side of me any more. I'm not sure I want to be like him any more.
I sigh and get up. I tiptoe over to the bed where Syed is still blissfully asleep, and I gaze down on the beautiful sight before me.
Syed.
Sy.
My love.
The one person that matters more to me than anyone has ever done.
I don't know how long I stand there. I stand there and look at him. And I know without a shadow of a doubt : here in this bed is the one thing that matters.
Sy.
My life.
My life how I want it to be.
The only way I want it to be.
I switch off the hood light, and get undressed. As I slip into bed beside him, I feel the warmth of his sleeping body envelop me. And it puts a lump in my throat.
I want nothing more than wrap my arms around his waist, and spoon him close to me. But I am breathless with the guilt I'm feeling. All I can do is rest my head against his shoulder, and close my eyes shut.
"I'm sorry, Sy" I whisper against his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."
The last thing I expect, is for him to turn around, wide awake.
"I'm sorry too, Christian" he murmurs, as he tentatively puts his arms around me.
He's taken aback when, without any warning, my tears suddenly start flowing. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop them. He pulls me close, and wordlessly comforts me. And I find myself lost in his loving embrace, in his gentle touch, in his sweet whispers.
I love this man. No matter what stupidities I do, no matter what spanners fate may put in the works, I will always love this man.
And I know in my heart that he will always love me.
And I hope he will forgive me.
"You do know I didn't mean it when I called you shallow... don't you?" he whispers at last, in a feeble attempt to lighten the mood, but I only cry harder.
He pulls back slightly to look at me. Even in the sparse moonlight he must see something in my face.
"What's the matter, Christian?" he asked with some alarm in his voice. "Please. Tell me"
And I open my mouth to tell him. To tell him of my stupid, foolish, drunken mistake.
But then I don't.
Instead, I tell him Kat and Alfie's devastating news, and we find ourselves crying together over a life that never was...
0+0+0+0
As I feel sleep finally overcome me, safely tucked up in the arms of the man I love, I feel that tinge of guilt hitting me again.
I must tell him the truth.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow... I will tell him the truth.