Title: Starscream's Coconuts
Characters: Starscream and Megatron
Summary: Starscream goes on vacation (oocness, absolute crack/stupidity)
Author's Note: This is just something I came up with in a conversation with Pyrefangs. It's stupid. I can't believe I talked myself into posting this. So yeah... please enjoy the pure absolute crack.
Starscream sat at the monitors in the Nemesis. Well… it was more of a slump really. He was bored. They had very little to do outside the usual routine. Raid power facility, trade insults and injuries with those accursed Autobots, yell at Megatron for another failure, visit medbay to receive repairs for his most recent injuries given by Megatron (for yelling again), and then start over again the next day. It was dull! Absolutely and completely dull, boring and without hope of cessation. The war appeared to be at an eternal standstill.
He sighed through his intakes deeply. Even verbally sparring with Megatron held no appeal. What could he possibly do? He needed a vacation. He brightened at that thought. For surely, why not? They were on this strange organic planet with filled with exotic sights. There were plenty of hard to get to locales that posed no risk of human or autobot discovery. A vacation was easily achievable.
He grinned maniacally and pulled up that strange network the squishes had taken to calling the internet… or was it the interwebs? Who knew? Who cared? He searched through the various sights researching the different locales and what was considered a decent place for a relaxing vacation. He found himself most intrigued by a series of sites depicting tropical beaches and cerulean ocean. The concept was very appealing.
After learning what he could about the 'tropical' environments, he went on to research potential spots for his vacation. It needed to be difficult to access, free of organic sentient infestation, unknown to the autobots and most importantly far far away from the Nemesis. He narrowed down his locations using the Nemesis' computers and finally chose the perfect spot.
His processor made up, he then began to research what the humans considered excellent vacation pastimes. It wouldn't do to get bored on his vacation. After landing on the site, known to many Decepticons, called Youtube (really the things humans use for names), he watched several videos in fascination. And then soon in mild horror. He felt his logic circuits strain as he tried to process what he was seeing.
Human's called this fun? It was illogical and caused Starscream to wonder if the race was sane. His optics and wings twitched with the pain of the illogical actions of the humans involved. He groaned as a processor ache started to settle in from attempting to make sense of the nonsensical.
He sighed and turned away from the console, rubbing his head in attempt to relieve the growing aches. A pity there wasn't a way to use the squishies' strange and illogical behavioral patterns to his benefit.
But that was it! The perfect solution to everything! It would even get him his desired vacation! Soon a sly grin spread across his faceplates. He propped his thrusters up on the console and leaned back in his chair, plotting exactly how everything was to go.
————————
Megatron stared at Starscream, internally wondering if his air commander had finally blown the last of his logic circuits to the pit. He turned and glanced at Soundwave, who did not react. It appeared Starscream's idea was genuine. This made him more suspicious of course. But it wouldn't do to reject the idea out of hand, not with how cleverly Starscream had played his cards. Suggesting an officer's vacation for training exercises while in the middle of the officer's meeting, in front of the entire lot of bored mechs had only cemented Starscream's efforts. They were on his side for once. They all wanted to go.
He sighed and looked over the datapad of presented research. The location was excellently chosen. It was hidden, relaxing and had plenty of space. He pursed his lips and continued reading. The costs of such an expedition had been plotted out in exacting detail and would not leave the Decepticons starving any more than they normally were. Starscream had even planned out several training exercises that obviously targeted their flaws in dealing with their thrice cursed enemies.
He vented hard and looked to the side. He ground his dentals for a moment before pegging Starscream with his usual 'I-hate-you' glare. Starscream shrunk a little under the look as it usually preceded an argument that led to his next visit to the repair bay. Dropping the datapad to the table, Megatron nodded. "For once you came up with an idea that has merit, Starscream. Fine. We'll go on this little jaunt you've so painstakingly planned for us."
Megatron privately mused that if it were a trap, then he'd get to unwind by beating Starscream to pieces again. A relaxing vacation appeared to be a good idea after all.
Starscream left the officer's meeting quickly. The triumphant smirk that graced his features, complimented by the flashing flow of his crimson optics left the rank and file mechs scattering in his wake as he marched to his quarters. Starscream had plans and the Nemesis' crew was quaking in his shadow as he set up his plot.
Megatron blinked in confusion as he picked up one of the strangely assembled grass items that had been piled on the beach at his feet. He looked dubiously at the second pile of brown cup-like things tied together with twine. He continued to examine the items in question, wondering what his Second in Command's purpose was with these items.
Starscream had worked in absolute secrecy, often times leaving the Nemesis altogether to finish preparing for the expedition. And so, here they were, in Aruba. Staring at various piles of strange unidentifiable objects.
It was at this point that Starscream came back from wherever he had most recently disappeared to. One of the grass assemblies was belted about his waist and the brown cup things were tied about his upper torso, vaguely resembling a femme's chest plate now. Megatron gestured at his 'attire' impatiently. "Explain," he rumbled warningly. Starscream smirked and nodded.
Gesturing to the grass tied about his hips, "This is called a grass skirt. The humans use it for ritualistic worship. I deemed it appropriate for our devotion to the Decepticon cause."
Motioning to the cup-like things he states, "And these are called coconut bras. Their purpose is similar, but also denotes a strength of virility. What better way to express the destiny of our future generations?"
He pulled a small roundish object from his subspace. It was a light brown with green pointy spines. He held it aloft in one hand and said imperiously, "This is a pineapple! It is used to make intoxicating beverages that send the imbibers into a trance so that they might better contact their deity and beseech his assistance. There are many like it. But this… this one is mine! So hands off!" he screeched at the end.
Starscream smirked as the sound of popping came from Megatron's helm, followed swiftly by a small plume of smoke and the Decepticon Lord collapsing on the beach. "Haha! My plan has succeeded! I am now Supreme Leader of the Decepticons! You must all follow me now! My first order as the Lord of the Decepticons is that you all go find your own slagging pineapple!!"