Holding On
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Pale moonlight filters into her room through small gaps between her still-drawn curtains. Shadows dapple the room gently, the light shifts bringing silver and black together in a silent array of lights. The tints dance over the room still, yet forever changing, and they fall peacefully about.
The room is still aside from the dancing light shifts, and silence hovers abroad, bringing with it the peace, serenity and calm that only night can know.
Calling out your name,
Your face is everywhere.
I'm reaching out to you,
To find that you're not there.
Silent cries disturb the still of night. A young woman twists feebly in her bed, pushing the covers aside and reaching out her hands as if trying to grab onto something. Her fingers flex, straining to take hold of something that's not there, and a weak sob escapes her lips. Silent tears cling to her lashes, idle droplets tracing rivulets down her cheeks. Her tired voice chokes out a single word; a single name, and stumbles haphazardly over each syllable.
"Yuu…suke…"
I wake up every night,
To see the state I'm in.
It's like an endless fight,
I never seem to win.
Suddenly she jolts up. Pushing herself into a sitting position, she shoves aside the remaining cover of her blanket. Her face is pale, glowing ghostly white and menacing in the silver light. Trembling, she brings her hands to her face, and passes them over firmly, brushing away the tear trail. Resting thereafter on her temples, she massages them vigorously, her breaths still coming out is short gasp-like spasms.
She sighs in exasperation as she falls back into her pillow and turns onto her stomach. Chocolate brown eyes gaze sadly towards the nightstand sitting sidelong her bed, and fall upon a familiar picture.
Standing in front of her parents' ramen shop, she and Yuusuke pose for a last picture. He is standing behind her, his arms snaked around her neck and his head is resting casually on her shoulder as he grins broadly for the photo. She smiles at him, her head tilted slightly to the side, to rest against him.
A dry sob echoes loudly through the silenced night air, as she clamps tired eyes shut, willing the ever present tears away. She does well to keep them at bay during the day, when she hides her feelings, but at night it's always the same. They come irregardless. She can't hide at night.
"Oh, Yuusuke…" she whispers tiredly.
I can't go on as long as I believe
Can't let go when I keep wondering…
It had already been a full year since that ill-fated day. One year. She hates to think what two more will cost her at this rate.
He had left for Makai one year ago. Promising that he would be back in three. But, she couldn't fathom how… Wasn't returning to Ningenkai from Makai forbidden? Weren't all methods of return illegal? And… how many times had he promised her things? How many of those times had he actually stayed true to his word?
"I will come back… that's a promise… so wait for me…"
She had heard him say it so many times. And she had said she would wait forever for him just as many times as well.
Yet, now… she didn't even know of he was alive and well. Didn't know what he was doing. Didn't know if he was coming back. Three years is a long time, and she didn't think she could bare to hold on, not when it hurt this much already to wait after just one year. She needed to know all of it before she sacrificed her heart any longer.
Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart,
When I'm not around?
Gazing with clouded eyes at the picture she had so long cherished, the thoughts just came to her in a rush. Had he really made it to Makai? Had he met his objective and found what he was seeking? More importantly… did he still remember her; Love her?
Where are you now?
You gotta let me know,
Oh baby, so I can let you go
Sometimes she wished that he could write, or call, or just find some way to tell her he was alive and well. But, she knew her hopes were empty. Her heart would simply have to continue aching for his return. Because really, she had no other choice. Until she knew how he was, she couldn't let go of all the fears that gripped her heart regularly.
She sighed again and closed her eyes.
I can hear your voice
The ring of yesterday
It seems so close to me
But yet so far away
His smooth, gentle voice rang through her ears with all the familiarity of years gone by. His voice, one she knew by heart as well as her own, was really all she had to remind herself of his physical form, and that he would indeed return. It carried so much of the comfort and hope that she had misplaced herself, and sorely needed. It helped for her to hold him in her heart. Just as though he were hear now. Even though she knows he's not.
I should let it out
To save what's left of me
And close the doors of doubt
Revive my dignity
She knew it was hopeless, and she knew she should let go and move on. If she just shoved any and all thoughts of him out of her mind, she might be able to redeem herself slightly, and spare herself the hurt of waiting.
After all, three years was a long time…
But I can't go on as long as I believe,
Can't let go, when I keep wondering…
She had promised though, and she knew she shouldn't break her vow. Besides, forgetting him was definitely easier said than done. This, she knew from experience.
Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart,
When I'm not around?
So, until then, she would wonder.
And she would wait.
Where are you now?
You gotta let me know
Oh baby, so I can let you go
She shook her head and lay back down, her eyes lingering longingly on the picture. His smile, illuminated by the pale silver glow of the room, radiated marvelously, and she smiled at it fondly. It was the little things like that that would keep him alive in her heart and soul. All she had to do was keep faith…
I should let it out,
It's time to let you go
Oh baby, I just wanna know.
And, Fate permitting, she would. "I will come back… that's a promise… so wait for me…" He had promised. As had she…
Three years was a long time…
But she wouldn't let go.
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Author's Ramblings
Alright. For those of you who don't know. This is going through Keiko's head a year after Yuusuke left for Makai at the end of the series.
Also, the story was in part inspired by, first hearing that irritating nostalgic song I used, and remembering my own situation like that regarding a boyfriend of 6 years living on the other side of the planet. 'Nuff said.
Neways, please be kind and leave your name at the door with a review, ne? Thanks
Blackrose