Deviation from the Script
This is not in the script. This is not how it's supposed to go. There isn't meant to be improvisation, there isn't meant to be any deviation. This is not in the script.
--
I'm standing still, completely frozen, and the world is speeding up and rushing past, blurring with movement, and the camera's doing that thing where it whirls around and around, spinning around me while the indistinct people are fluidly jerkily moving from one place to another, and I am just standing there, trying to come to terms with the fact that something's gone wrong.
--
I thought I knew this movie. I've watched it enough times. I thought I knew every line, I thought I could quote it off the top of the head. I was comfortable, watching the same scenes play out in front of me and then someone turned it off. Someone changed the reel. The projectionist mixed up the films.
It's thrown me. It's thrown me completely off track. I feel as if I've been thrown in front of the cameras without rehearsal. I haven't learned my line and we're doing this live and I've frozen because I don't know what to do because this isn't in the script. The writers have just rewritten the entire manuscript. Torn up the original, comfortable version and thrown us all into uncharted waters.
I hear words that blur into each other and possibly do not man what I think they man, do not sound the way I think they sound. I feel lost, overwhelmed and distinctly underwhelmed and set in stone. The film ribbon has lost its vibrancy and its steady pace, as if it had gotten old and frayed. Someone hit fast forward and I was somehow left out. Or I'm the viewer and I can't keep up with the rapidly changing scenes.
Someone has changed the language, and they keep hitting mute. I don't know what's going on. I can't follow the story. I can't grasp the plot.
Her staying in Israel was fine. That was still in character, that was just a tiny, almost foreseeable plot twist. But it wouldn't last long. She would come back, like she had before. She'd re-entered the cast and she would have again, if she hadn't started improvising. If she hadn't deviated from the script.
That would have been fine. That would have been okay.
But she wasn't supposed to die.
That was unforgivable, that was the kind of stunt that would make people walk out halfway through the film. A main character can't be killed offscreen, a main character can't die without any fanfare, without any footage at all.
(And the movie can't be expected to go on as if nothing had happened)
I feel like I'm in a tragic drama, or a dramatic tragedy, rather than the comedy I thought I was.
Although nothing's going to plan. Nothing's in the script anymore. The plotline doesn't make sense.
She's not meant to die (Jenny wasn't meant to die either all that time ago, I should have noticed the deviation from the script starting then. Starting before, when Gibbs left, is I was honest. When the boat blew up with Gibbs inside. But I'd gotten used to those, mostly, and they were… different). She's not meant to die, she's not meant to have died hating me, not trusting me, she's not meant to just be gone, and, dammit, I'm not meant to feel guilty, it's not meant to be my fault, and I'm most definitely not meant to be hit as hard as I have.
(I'm not meant to feel like I've lost a part of me, I'm not meant to feel like everything's lost meaning, I'm not meant to be constantly walking around in a daze, I'm not meant to have trouble breathing whenever I think of her, which is not meant to be all the time)
(I'm not meant to love her)
(And I'm definitely not meant to feel that the word 'love' is cliché and meaningless when it comes to her)
I valiantly try to stick to the script and stand up, needing such a main character to have at least a bit of a deal about her death (which is not meant to have happened). I need to create the missing fanfare, I need to do something. I need to try morph things back to the script.
And then suddenly I'm forced to wonder why I hated those unrealistic, coming back to life plot twists so much.
-fin-
A/N: Long stories just aren't coming for Tiva it seems… That may be because I'm feeling guilty neglecting those other things I really should be writing. And because I'm too busy watching season 7, being in a country where they're only on season FIVE. Delayed much, people. And now the fricking disc is scratched so that's not bloody working…
Anyway, this was inspired by/strongly influenced by Quinndolynn's writing, which I have fallen in love with. Thank you, if you ever end up reading this ^^
Love to know what you think!