Fading Away
By Yanagi-sen
Weiss Kreuz songfic
Usual disclaimers apply and all that. The characters aren't mine, although I just had a thought… if they DID have to redesign Nagi… would they dress him in something more comfortable? Something with a little COLOR perhaps? Song used comes from the anime, hack//SIGN, and is called The World, composed by Yuki Kajiura. Awesome song… haven't seen the anime… but I love the song.
Warnings: nothing really… mental self-angsting mainly
~You are here alone again / In your sweet insanity~
No one came after him this time, as he shut the door behind him. He walked to the elevator and waited patiently for it to arrive. He had a lot of patience. It seemed like everything was falling apart. Ever since they had broken away from Esset. That had been their one goal for so long, well, it had been Crawford and Schuldich's goal. Farf was pretty much in a world of his own most of the time, either insane or in a drugged haze, and him… well… he had never really been given a choice in the matter.
Ever since his parents had dumped him off in the streets, his life had been out of his control. At first it was just survival. If you wanted to survive, you did whatever you had to. Then when Crawford had found him, the American had simply taken him. True he had taken him away from the streets and their drug pushers, and pimps, and threats of starvation; but he had never asked. The man had tossed him on a plane and by the next day he was in a strange country, where they spoke strange languages, ate strange food, and was surrounded by far too many strange people for his comfort.
At Rosenkreuz they never asked what he wanted. It was survival again, of a slightly different kind. In many ways, his time there was more hazardous than those years on the streets. He learned quickly not to question. Do as you were told and follow the rules, cause the alternative would make you WISH you were dead.
Then Crawford had taken him back to Japan, as a member of his field team, a member of Schwarz. The American had cut short his time at Rosenkreuz by several years. Not that he wasn't grateful; the place wasn't exactly a nurturing institution. But again, did anyone ask if he wanted to be a member of Schwarz? Or if he wanted to return to Japan? Of course not. His opinion didn't matter. He was a tool for Crawford. A part of the man's master plan to break free of the organization that owned them.
And that mission had been completed… although with Weiss's involvement not quite according to plan… so now, what use did the man have for him? They were floundering. The remnants of Esset seemed to be tiptoeing around them right now. No doubt fearing the ones who had chopped off the head. Without something to work for… a clear goal… a purpose, they were in limbo. All the tension and anxiety were driving him insane.
~All too calm, you hide yourself from reality~
He wandered through the streets. The area was thronged with people, a sea of flashing lights and sounds from karaoke bars and pachinko parlors. The crowd was a mix of students, middle-aged business men who hadn't gone home yet, and foreigners all looking for a good time. There were even a few kids like himself, looking like they had snuck out past their bedtimes, some of them probably had. He wandered, a nameless, faceless part of the crowd. Searching for… he didn't know what he was searching for. A different life perhaps. Because this reality wasn't what he wanted. But then, he didn't know what he wanted.
~Do you call it solitude? Do you call it liberty? ~
He made his way out of the busy 'entertainment' district to the quieter residential streets. It was darker here too. Almost shockingly so after the over-bright lights. The houses and apartment buildings were mostly dark, only a light here and there to show where someone was still awake. It was well past when he would normally have been ordered to bed. But no one had come looking for him.
Crawford could always consult his gift and know where he would be and when and be standing there waiting for him, a frown on his face for the bother. But he wasn't. Schu could find his in the sea of minds and home in on it like a pigeon to roost, popping up with a smirk and a rude comment. But he didn't. Farf… Farf was probably locked up. None of them came. He had his keitai of course; habit made sure he never left the apartment without it. But none of them called.
He wondered if it indicated their high regard of him, that they were granting him this freedom.
Or if it merely indicated that they didn't care at all.
~When all the world turns away to leave you lonely~
He found himself sitting on the steps leading up to a small shrine. By now the trains had stopped running. If he wanted to get home he would have to walk. Not that he wanted to go home. Home. What was that exactly? Was it merely the place in which you lived? Or was it supposed to be more than that? Was 'home' a family? People who loved and cared for you. Someone who would be worried when you were out late. A place that you wanted to be, no matter how small or humble?
Home.
He didn't think he really had one. He didn't think he had ever had one. He looked up at the torii standing silent guard over him, its rope and gohei swaying slightly with the breeze. The place was quiet. It was supposed to be calm and serene. He found it lonely.
He sighed and stood, letting his feet carry him away. He didn't know where he was going exactly. Tonight was a lot like his whole life, a steady sequence of not knowing where he was going. It was hard, to be so alone.
~The fields are filled with desires / All voices crying for freedom ~
Want. What did he want? He had never really considered it before. Wants and desires had changed since he had been left, staring after the departing car, his parents never looking back. They had been afraid of him. Afraid of that strange ability that would burst forth whenever he was frightened or upset. They had thought him possessed at first. But a purification ritual did nothing to stop his power. So they had tried punishing him whenever it happened. When they beat him, it would only get worse as his fear and pain escalated. So finally… finally… they put him in the car, drove to the city, and left him. That first night… he remembered wanting his parents back. Even though they had hurt him. Even though they didn't seem to love him. He was alone and afraid and in a strange place.
He probably would have died had he not been as intelligent as he was. He watched the other street people. Saw how they got food and where they slept. He watched and learned and so, survived.
When he was in Rosenkreuz, he had also watched and learned and survived. They had told him he wasn't cursed, he was 'gifted'. Some gift. They had fed his lingering pain and anger toward his parents till it was anger for all. They manipulated him till he wanted revenge on society as a whole. They were very good at manipulating. But some part of him realized what they were doing. Again, if he hadn't been so smart he probably would have missed it, brought in as young as he was. So while most of him seemed to accept their doctrine and recite their rhetoric, a small voice inside still cried out for freedom.
Then he was a part of Schwarz. They also had small voices that wanted to be free. It seemed to be a good goal. He would work with them, and one day… one day they would be free. And then he could pursue what HE wanted. For the first time in his entire life he could be free to have his own wants.
But now… he didn't have the experience to even know what to want.
~But all in vain they will fade away ~
He wondered a bit what would happen if he just kept walking. Would Crawford or Schuldich come after him then? If he just kept walking like that anime character… what was his name… Kenshin? Or that other one that just disappeared in the series, Soujirou. Would he be like that… just walk away and disappear? It annoyed him that they had done that. He had LIKED Soujirou. And they just kind of dropped him off. He just faded away.
Maybe HE was the one fading away. Maybe what was happening wasn't so much Crawford's fault as a leader. Maybe he himself was the one in limbo, the one floundering without a purpose. Schuldich had mentioned things like actually going to high school and college and getting a 'useful' education. He had never really attended school, except for those couple years in Rosenkreuz. He had only dressed in a school uniform because Crawford said it would attract less attention given his age. He had never really liked it. If they were going go make him wear the thing why couldn't it at least have been black? Black was so much nicer than gray. He didn't like gray. He supposed he could go to school. But why bother? He was far beyond what they could teach him. Social contacts? He wasn't interested.
But if he just kept walking… one foot, then the other… how far could he go? How long did one have to walk before they faded away?
~There's only you to answer you, forever ~
He was getting cold. Baka. He should have thought ahead and brought a coat. He wasn't sure how late it was. Or early. He supposed HE could always call them. But what if they didn't answer? Or worse yet, what if they told him they didn't WANT him to come back? It was better not knowing. He wandered down another quiet street. He was in a part of the city he had never been in before. It looked like most of the rest of Tokyo though. Buildings crammed together, people on top of people, narrow streets and narrower alleys.
He hadn't seen another soul since he had left that temple. No, even before then. There was a stillness to the streets. Almost as if he was the only one here. He snorted. Alone again. Would he always be alone? He was tired. Tired of everything.
He could see dawn approaching. There appeared to be a park ahead. Maybe he would go down and watch the sun rise.
~In blinded mind you are singing / A glorious hallelujah ~
It was beautiful. The dawn. He rarely ever got to see it. They were usually out so late on 'jobs' that by the time dawn came around he'd only been in bed a couple hours. And he didn't think he had ever watched the sun come up from outside since he'd been on the streets. His mind wandered back to the time when he'd been a very young child, before the powers came, before his parents feared and hated him. Back when his mother would hold him in her lap and tell him stories about Amateratsu, the goddess of the sun, and Susano, and the kitsune. The legends that formed Japan. Odd that he couldn't remember his mother's face, but he could remember the stories.
He realized he couldn't remember either of his parent's faces, or any of his family for that matter. He knew that one of his grandmothers had lived with them, but he couldn't picture her. All he could remember, were the backs of his parents' heads as they left him.
But the sun was beautiful. He sat on a bench, exhausted. He wasn't sure that he COULD get himself home at this point. The trains would be running again soon, and the buses probably already were. But he was too tired. Too tired to drag himself to his feet.
He would just rest here for a while. And watch the sun.
~The distant flutter of angels / They're all too far, too far to reach for you ~
Even with the sun's warmth shining on him, he felt chilled. Now that he wasn't moving, he was aware of how cool it had become during the night. He drew his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. That helped a bit. When his arms got cold he could tuck them in between his legs and his body. He idly watched the seabirds floating on the breeze.
What must it be like to fly? To be that free. To not be bound to this earth with its pain and sorrow and hardship. To fly away… Like those angels Farf was always ranting about. To shut him up one day, Schuldich had turned to the scarred man and reminded him that the devil was merely a fallen angel… that had sent Farf into a total fit. They had to sedate him finally. Crawford yelled at Schuldich for a good half hour over that one.
Angels… weren't they supposed to watch over people? He supposed he must not be worthy of that honor. There certainly wasn't any angel watching over him. But it must be comforting for those who believed. He had just fallen too far for that.
He could hear soft footsteps in the distance. Someone was up at this insane hour jogging. Ah… sweet normalcy.
~I am here alone again / In my sweet serenity ~
He held his chilled hands to his chest. He was cold and tired and hungry. He didn't know what to do. Should he go back? Should he wait to see if they came for him? What if they didn't? He didn't even know where he was. It was quiet here. Except for the approaching jogger. Quiet. Calm. He liked that. The apartment had been so chaotic. He stared out over the water.
He wrapped that quiet and calmness around his soul, creating a buffer against the outside world. He let his head fall to his knees. He was sleepy. Maybe he could nap for a bit, and then maybe the aching of his muscles would ease as well. He didn't think he had ever walked so far in his life. He must have walked several miles. It was hard to tell. But he couldn't move at the moment. Just himself and the birds and that jogger that was nearly upon him.
~Hoping you will ever find me in any place ~
He heard footsteps get closer and pass… then slow and stop. A few quiet steps, as if the person was looking at something, coming back towards him.
"Anou… are you okay?"
The voice was higher pitched, young, but definitely male. He peeked up through his bangs. The jogger was standing in front of him. He couldn't see them clearly; the sun was directly behind them. He squinted, but all he could see was a pair of bright blue eyes. "Are you okay? Do you need help?" They asked again. He just shrugged and lay his head back down. Looking into the sun like that was giving him a headache.
He heard movement and then the bench creaked as the young man sat next to him. "I like coming here myself. It's quiet in the mornings, gives me time to think."
He found himself speaking before he had even thought about it. "But what if you've already had too much time to think?"
"Hmm… well that's when I run. I keep my mind busy counting breaths or rail posts or something boring like that. Hey… you look pretty cold."
Suddenly a warm sweatshirt was dropped over his shoulders. He jumped, but then pulled it around him gratefully. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it; I was a little too warm anyways. You been here all night?"
He shook his head, and then shrugged. "I was walking."
"All night?!"
"Yeah."
"By the way, my name's Omi."
"Nagi."
"Nice to meet you, Nagi-kun. Can I help you at all? Do you need to call someone, or can I give you a ride?"
He sighed. "I have my phone. They haven't tried to call me. I don't know if they want me back or not." He looked over at the young man and blinked. It was Bombay! He could see the other's expression as Omi recognized him as well. They just sat and stared at each other for a moment. "So do we fight now?" He sounded tired and depressed even to himself.
The blond just shook his head. "I don't really want to. Seems like you're having a hard enough time. I don't think I need to make it worse."
"Thanks."
They sat in silence for a bit, watching the birds and the water. After a while, Omi stood and offered a hand to him. "Hey, you hungry? Wanna go get some breakfast? I know a good bakery right around the corner."
Nagi blinked. He looked at the hand, and then the young man's face. His legs were very stiff and didn't want to straighten, so he accepted the help offered. Omi smiled and pulled the sweatshirt tighter around him. "Come on, you'll loosen up if you walk." The blond led the way out of the park. Nagi wasn't sure why he was following him, but…
~I will call it solitude when all my songs fade in vain / In my voice, far away to eternity ~
My muse, the normal one… not the psycho, was in the mood to write last night. I got probably half of this done in one sitting. Not quite sure where it came from, except that I've been writing Schu so much lately and I really wanted to work with Nagi again. BTW… the 'entertainment' district Nagi walks through is based on my impressions of Shibuya, an area in Tokyo, I was there one evening. Lights, noise, people everywhere… crazy. Oh, and if you didn't guess, a keitai is a cell phone… living here I find Japanese names for things creeping into my speech. I realized I typed 'keitai' without even thinking about it. I'm still holding out though, I don't have one yet.
Now for a short message…
"We are gathered here today to mourn the death of the mature fiction that was once hosted on this sight. It is sad to see such a thing happen, as now many good authors will no longer bless us with their work. Also many stories will be mis-rated, so that they can still be put up. This is a sad thing, as now the complaints will shift to the R rated fics. How long before they too, follow NC-17 into the dead fic realm? All this, because some parents do not monitor their children and regard the internet as their babysitter. It is a sad day… join me in a moment of silence for the demise of some truly wonderful stories…"