A World Without Batman
"I can't believe I have to spend New Year's Eve in this dump," muttered Poison Ivy, flipping through the TV channels in the rec room of Arkham Asylum. "It's bad luck, starting off the year incarcerated."
"Well, why don't you escape?" demanded Two-Face who was sitting next to her on the sofa.
"I don't have anything to escape with at the moment, unless one of you two has something they've been keeping for emergencies," replied Ivy, looking from Two-Face to Jonathan Crane, the only other two inmates in the asylum at the moment.
They both shook their heads. "Sadly my fear gas has all been confiscated," sighed Crane. "It would have been ideal to start the New Year with some sort of riot of terror, but unfortunately at the moment a man can only dream."
"There ain't nothing in here for us to bust out with, is there?" asked Two-Face, looking around.
"Not unless you can lift the sofa and put it through the window," sighed Ivy. "And the crash would probably alert the guards pretty quickly, and there aren't any weapons to hand."
"So I guess we're stuck," muttered Two-Face. "We might as well make the best of it. Gotta say, I won't be sorry to see the back of this year, though. It was pretty crap all round. I was arrested 57 times, and foiled 85 times by the Bat. Can't even divide those evenly by two. The odds can't be worse for the New Year, right?"
"The Bat's still alive, so I imagine they can," retorted Crane. "But hope springs eternal that this year one of us will somehow be able to successfully complete one scheme without interference from the Caped Degrader."
"How did he catch you this time?" asked Ivy.
"Oh, I was going to spray fear gas through the mall's ventilation system during the Christmas Eve shopping rush," sighed Crane. "It would serve them right for putting off their shopping that late, and it wouldn't honestly make much difference – it's always mad chaos shopping over the holidays anyway. But Batman showed up and dragged me back here before I could do anything. How did he get you?"
"I murdered a Christmas tree seller," replied Ivy. "It's disgusting, people trying to make money selling the corpses of my babies. But same as you, I had an unexpected visit from the flying rodent and here I am, just in time for the New Year."
"I held up a bank the day after Christmas," said Two-Face. "All those people depositing Christmas money, I figured I could make a decent wad of dough. But Bats showed up and stopped me. The guy has no respect for enterprising individuals."
Ivy checked the clock on the TV news. "We got half an hour to midnight," she sighed. "Anybody got some champagne or anything?"
"They could at least provide us with that, seeing as we're stuck here," said Crane.
"They'd probably figure we'd try to use the bottle as a weapon or something," muttered Two-Face.
"And we would," agreed Ivy. "Still, it would have been a nice thought. Is it just me, or are the staff here getting surlier? There used to be some sort of consideration for us supercriminals, but now we're treated the same as the rest of the crazies. They don't respect us as much as they used to."
"I think repeatedly killing the doctors and staff might have something to do with it," said Two-Face. "I think there's only so much terror people can take before fear turns into annoyance."
"Oh, you mean like us with Joker," said Ivy.
"Yes, thank God he's not incarcerated at present," sighed Crane. "I can't think of anyone I'd like to spend New Year's with less."
"He's on TV," said Ivy, nodding at the news which was flashing pictures of the Joker across the screen. She turned up the volume.
"…Joker's crimes seem to grow more random and murderous with each passing year. What new kinds of terror will the self-styled Clown Prince of Crime release in the New Year? It's anyone's guess, but you can bet it's going to be no joke. I'm Jack Ryder…"
"They're doing a whole feature story on him," muttered Ivy. "That bastard."
"Followed by a half-hour special on Batman," said Crane, checking the TV guide. "It's like they've designed the schedule to torture us."
"I guess it's meant to be inspirational," sighed Ivy. "Y'know, there are bad guys out there, but in the New Year, Batman will still be there to stop them."
"I don't get why people love him so much," growled Two-Face. "He's got no charisma, no charm, he just hides in the shadows like a scared little girl. Can't even fight you face-to-face like a man."
"You may have the advantage in terms of faces, though," said Crane, dryly.
"From a female's perspective, there are certainly worse looking sacks of meat out there," said Ivy.
"You don't know what he looks like – he wears a mask!" snapped Two-Face. "He could be hideous!"
"Not one to judge, are you, Harv?" replied Ivy. "Anyway, he can keep the mask on. He's just got a really, really hot body. I like a guy with muscle."
"Women want him, men want to be him," sighed Crane. "Classic superhero, I'm afraid."
"And why don't we supervillains get no respect?" demanded Two-Face. "We work twice as hard as the Bat because we keep losing to him! We've got twice his determination at least!"
"Well, start working out, Harvey, and you might have another shot with me," retorted Ivy.
"Thanks, but our break-up is not one of the things I regret this past year," snapped Two-Face.
"The feeling's mutual, Harvey," said Ivy. "Maybe I can find a real man to wrap my roots around in the New Year."
Two-Face stood up. "You wanna end this year getting your ass kicked, Pam?" he demanded.
"It would certainly be a pleasure to kick yours," retorted Ivy, also standing up.
Crane stepped in between them. "If you do start a fight, you're both going to end this year in straight-jackets!" he shouted. "And I'm sure neither of you wants that! Just calm down, for goodness sake!"
They glared at each other, but obeyed. Two-Face suddenly kicked the sofa violently. "This is crap!" he shouted. "I don't wanna be in here!"
"Well, maybe if you shut your eyes really tightly and pray for a miracle, your wish will come true, Harvey," said Ivy, sarcastically. "Maybe someone will magically appear to bust us outta this dump. But I ain't holding my…"
She paused as she heard a rumbling. Then they all three suddenly dove to opposite sides of the room as the ceiling caved in.
"Surprise! Happy New Year, fellow crazies!" chuckled a familiar voice.
As the dust cleared, they saw the Joker and Harley Quinn standing amidst the rubble, wearing party hats. Harley had a paper blowout between her lips and was trying to blow song tunes through it, which was incredibly annoying.
"J, what are you doing here?" demanded Ivy.
"Just thought we'd drop in!" giggled Joker. "Relieve the tedium for you! We've been out most of the night making some fireworks outta what used to be buildings, and so we thought we'd spend the remaining minutes of the old year in our old favorite haunt with our old familiar friends. Ain't no party like an Arkham party, am I right?"
Nobody responded as Harley began putting party hats on their heads, still blowing on her noisemaker. Joker looked from the three of them to the TV, and his face fell slightly.
"No offense, guys, but this is a pretty crap party," he said. "Doesn't look very fun at all."
"That's because it's not a party," snapped Crane. "We were just quietly watching TV…"
"Anything good on?" Joker interrupted, heading over to it.
"Just a special about Batman," growled Two-Face.
"Oooh, that sounds fun!" giggled Joker, sitting down in front of the TV and staring at the screen intently, grinning. "Aw, there he is! What a guy! Look at his grim, unsmiling face! Just makes you wanna carve him a new one, don't it?"
He chuckled as Harley settled herself in his lap, dropping her noisemaker and kissing his forehead tenderly. Footage began playing of Batman fighting off a gang of criminals.
"I love watching him work," sighed Joker, dreamily, gazing at the screen.
Everyone looked at him. "What?" he snapped, defensively. "The man's an artist! I'm allowed to appreciate a fellow artist!"
"At least J sees the attraction of Batman," said Two-Face, rolling his eyes.
"Sure I do!" said Joker, standing up and smiling. "Well, it's obvious, isn't it, Harvey? He's insane. What goes on in his small little Bat-brain is a complete mystery, and everyone loves an unsolved mystery. That's why everyone loves me!"
He chuckled. "Gotta say, it looks like I arrived just in time! This party could use some cheering up, and I brought the booze!"
He pulled out a bottle of champagne and poured four glasses. "None for you, pooh, you've had enough already tonight," he said, pulling a glass away as Harley reached for it. "You'll have a headache in the morning."
"Aw, Mr. J, but I want some!" said Harley, stamping her foot.
"I said no," he snapped. "And unless you wanna start the new year with a broken jaw, you do as I say!"
Harley tried to grab the glass from him, but he punched her in the face. She immediately retaliated, and the other three tried to stay out of their way as they began a full-scale fight which lasted a good five minutes. At the end of it, Joker had bent Harley back with his hand around her throat, and suddenly bent down and kissed her. "Happy last fight of the old year, baby!" he exclaimed, beaming at her.
"Aw, Mr. J, you're just the greatest!" sighed Harley, throwing herself into his arms. "I hope we have lots, lots more in the New Year!"
"We will, pooh bear, I guarantee it," he said, pinching her cheek affectionately. "There you go, have a glass of champagne, you deserve it, kid," he said, pouring her one. She squeaked and kissed him.
"So guys, what shall we toast to?" he asked, raising his glass as the other inmates helped themselves. "What's everybody's New Year's wish?"
"Easy," growled Two-Face. "I wish for a world without Batman."
"Hear, hear," concurred Crane.
"I'll drink to that," agreed Ivy.
"It would be kinda funny, huh, Mr. J?" asked Harley, giggling.
Joker didn't laugh. He had rarely looked more serious. "A world without Batman?" he repeated. "That ain't funny. That ain't funny at all."
"Why the hell not?" demanded Ivy. "Would you miss your boyfriend, J?"
He shook his head. "Think about it for a moment, Pammie," he said. "What would you do in a world without Batman?"
"What would I do?" she repeated. "Well, I'd rid of the world of every last useless walking sack of meat. It'd be just me, probably Harley, and a couple hunks left to have a little fun with, and then my babies could spread all over this city, consuming it and reclaiming it for Mother Nature."
"And then?" pressed Joker.
"And then what?" demanded Ivy.
"Assume you've done all that," he nodded. "What would you do then?"
"Well…I dunno," she retorted, shrugging. "Be happy with my hunks, I guess."
"Sounds pretty sad to me when you think about it, Pammie," said Joker. "You, queen of an empty world, with no one to challenge you or take away your boredom but a few dumb guys. How would you spend your time when not involved with them?"
"Well, I dunno," repeated Ivy. "Never really thought about it that much. I guess I'd…um…take care of my babies."
"They've overrun the world – they can take care of themselves," said Joker, waving his hand. "I mean it, Pammie. Think about it. What would you do?"
Ivy was silent. "You'd be bored," he said. "Really bored. It would be absolutely maddening. What about you, Johnny?" he asked Crane. "How would your world without Batman look?"
"Oh, it would be heavenly!" sighed Crane. "Millions of people dying in fear and terror, screaming out their last gasps of agony!"
"Yeah. And then?" asked Joker. "You've made everyone on earth die from terror. So now what do you do, with no one left to experiment on? With no one left to fight you?"
"I don't…know," murmured Crane. "I never really looked that far ahead, the millions dying in fear was the main goal…"
"You'd really better hope you don't achieve it, then, if you ain't got no contingency plan," interrupted Joker. "And you, Harvey. Presumably in your world without Batman, you'd flip a coin to decide everything. But wouldn't that get boring after awhile? Leaving everything to fate, with absolutely no interference from anything else?"
"Maybe," growled Two-Face. "But c'mon, J, you can't honestly say you don't want the Bat dead?"
"Of course I don't!" snapped Joker. "I can admit I'd be bored! Who would I talk to? Who would really understand me?"
"I would, puddin'," replied Harley. "I think a world without Batman would be a great thing! You and me could rule this town completely unopposed! We could cause some chaos, make a little mayhem, have some laughs, and then we could settle down somewhere nice in the suburbs in a little house with a white picket fence and a couple of kids, little Arleen and J. J…"
"Harley, that wouldn't satisfy either of us," he interrupted. "I mean, me and a couple kids would probably make you happy, but I think you'd miss the fighting. And I definitely would. I need somebody to really challenge me, that's just the kinda guy I am."
"But Bat-brain's such a jerk!" retorted Harley. "Always ruining our fun, foiling our plans, stopping our schemes…"
"Hey, it could be worse," said Joker. "At least Bats is fun to play with! He's got a real dangerous, unhinged mind. We're lucky to have him. In Metropolis they got that Super-freak, y'know, complete boy scout, straight-laced, boring, no fun at all. I dunno how Lexy puts up with him. At least with Bats, there's always the enticing possibility of him going completely off the rails one day. That's what I'm counting on, anyway. I hope this is the year he realizes he's crazy – it would be so much fun to have a real challenge."
"This champagne is losing its head – what are we toasting to?" demanded Ivy.
Joker raised his glass. "To Batman," he said, grinning.
Everyone echoed him, chinking their glasses and drinking.
"Well, must dash!" said Joker, putting down the glass and grinning. "Got a date at the mayor's office at midnight! Want to start the New Year off with a bang! Got the grenades, baby?" he asked Harley.
"Right here, puddin'," said Harley, patting the bag at her belt.
"Great. Let's roll, kiddo," he said, pulling out a grappling hook. "Sorry to leave you guys here alone, but this thing only supports two people at most. Harley's put on a little weight since Christmas, y'know."
"I have not, puddin'!" retorted Harley, angrily.
"She has," he continued, putting an arm around her waist and pinching her bottom. "But don't worry, I wouldn't dream of leaving you here alone on New Year's! Which is why I murdered most of the staff on duty on the way in – the Bat should be here any minute to keep you company. No need to thank me! Happy New Year, suckers!"
He laughed hysterically as he shot the grappling hook up onto the roof and disappeared into the night sky with Harley. "J, you jerk!" shouted Ivy after him. "Enjoy this year because it's your last one alive, you hear me?!"
She sighed in annoyance as his laughter faded away. "So what are we gonna do now?" she demanded.
"Hey, if the guards are dead, I ain't waiting around for the Bat to find us," snapped Two-Face, shoving the couch out the window and shattering the glass. "I'm getting the hell outta here!"
He made a dash for the window, just as Batman flew through it, kicking him in the face. In a matter of moments he had subdued all three of them and dragged them back to their separate cells.
"Do you have a wish for the New Year, Bats?" asked Ivy as he was about to leave her. "Or maybe a resolution?"
"My resolution is the same as always," he murmured. "Keep bringing criminals to justice. My wish is that I didn't have to. Can't you resolve to try to cure yourself this year, Ivy?"
She shrugged. "Suppose I did. Suppose we all did. You'd be pretty bored without us really, wouldn't you, Bats? Because I really think, much as we'd all hate to admit it, we'd be pretty bored without you."
"I could find other ways to occupy my time," he retorted. "Believe me."
She nodded. "Whatever you say, Batman. By the way, if you're looking for Joker, he's at the mayor's office. You'd better hurry before someone gets hurt."
He nodded and left Ivy just as the clock chimed midnight. Batman paused at the threshold of her door. "Happy New Year, Ivy," he said, sincerely.
"Happy New Year, Bats," she muttered. And then he was gone.
The End