Bloodlust.
The term doesn't quite encompass the force that comes over when a particularly tasty individual walks by, or when one is in the throes of enjoying their prey, or when one is really, really thirsty. Unfortunately it's the best term out there.
Bloodlust sounds tame to Edward as he stalks the young boy he's noticed is homeless and friendless. The boy can't be more than 8; he's skinny and dirty and all of his thoughts are of hunger. He won't last long at this rate. Edward is convinced he is about to do him a kindness.
The vampire snorts at this thought.
The little boy trips and turns down a darkened alley. Could the scene be more perfect?
No, Edward decides, as a light but blinding mist starts to descend on the city. Now it's the perfect scene.
He follows the wandering child, licking his lips.
He tries to be good at first. Carlisle is a good and patient instructor, but the thirst is endless and painful. In his frustration, Edward hates Carlisle as much as he loves him, and sometimes- when he thinks about her- he hates his mother more for damning him to this fate as much as his creator.
One day he slips and the look on Carlisle's face is too much, the taste too great. So he drifts off on his own, now determined he's fulfilling his dark but true purpose.
The thoughts the vampire hears as he tracks murderers, rapists, and other unsavory characters only enforce that perhaps the universe has created his kind to control the population, keep the bad out. He views himself now as an infection, and the vampires in general as an outbreak.
The years of killing erode this sense of entitlement, so he slips back and forth between the Cullen family and the dark world outside their deliberately cozy home.
He marvels at them sometimes. Going to school, PTA meetings, work, prom, etc. They take note of other monsters around and do their best to protect whatever goodness they can, and that's supposed to give their lives meaning. They're like a fucking group of superheroes, he thinks to himself, and he doesn't fit in.
It's not that he lost the good boy he was once. He's still there, horrified by everything the vampire does. But the blood is what he thinks of most of the day and he is not as good an actor as they are. It was indeed his first thought when his eyes opened to his new life- not of his mother, or of his own illness. He hardly recognized Carlisle. He just wanted blood, and that's all he still wants.
Edward sees the way the couples of Carlisle's family look at one another and knows there's more than blood and hate and guilt for them, but he doesn't believe he's ever going to have that. He is too aware, too closed off. He drifted for too long.
It's one of his dark periods and he's in a filthy city. He's crouched watching a couple have drunken sex in back of a bar. He's seen people have sex before, mostly in their minds, but he's never viewed such a raw presentation of it.
Neither person is in love with the other. In fact, they're hardly aware of the other. They're merely using the person for their own gratification. Edward feels it is their own brand of bloodlust.
He wants to attack them but he decides to let them finish first. It doesn't feel right interrupting. Then he spots a rat and before he can stop himself his fangs are piercing it and hot liquid's bursting through his throat. He groans as he does this because he knows what it means; he's going back to the Cullens. The little annoying human part of him left has made itself known again.
The man and woman scream out their fulfillment, blissfully unaware how close they came to fulfilling someone else's.
"If you don't go to school, you have to get a job," Carlisle tells him in his new large living room. Edward's distracted by how bright it is in there, and by Carlisle's tone. It amuses him that he sounds every bit as much as the father he pretends to be.
"Do you hear me, Edward?"
Esme watches lovingly from the sofa, so happy to have Edward home.
Maybe it'll bring some peace to Carlisle, she thinks.
"Yes, I hear you," Edward says quietly. "I'll go to school."
Rosalie rolls her eyes. She's not overly fond of Edward considering his predilection for running off and murdering people.
Alice, on the other hand, is overjoyed. "We start in a week." Then her face darkens and she studies Edward for a few intense moments.
He sees what's in her head. He's attacking someone, a girl. It's happening in town. Then he sees himself smiling with a joy he's never known. His eyes are not a violent red, but golden and lovely, and he gets the same sense she does that it's some time later. She's confused as he is, but she says nothing of this vision. Her thoughts shut down and he can no longer hear them.
Carlisle doesn't miss this. "Alice?"
Her gold eyes never leave Edward's. "It's going to be fine."
Edward expects Alice to quietly inform Carlisle later that he's going to kill someone. When she doesn't, he waits for her to follow him around or forbid him to leave the house. She doesn't do that either. He's beyond perplexed and he doesn't know what to do.
It's nice to be home for a change, and for the first time he appreciates how much his presence matters to most of the other's in the house. Jasper's happy to have someone to be silent with, and he's happy that Alice is so excited. Emmett has someone new to pick on, and though he'd never admit it, he thinks to himself how much he likes Edward. Rosalie will tolerate him begrudgingly as she tolerates much of the elements of her life. And of course Esme and Carlisle are overjoyed, though he can't figure why. He knows how he's disappointed Carlisle too many times.
He still panics. How can he be good like them? He has a conscience; he's learned that the painful way. He understands the difference between right and wrong and for the first time in a long time he's making the committed choice to be good and do right. Yet... he's all too aware of the vampire that haunts him inside, desperate to be released, crying for blood. He sees something resembling souls in all of their eyes; he never sees that in his own.
Forgetting Alice's vision, he strolls out and takes one of the family's beautiful cars out. He needs a drive, a walk, something. He goes downtown and parks, eager to test out his newfound goodness. Can he continue walking if the vampire takes over too much power?
He hopes he can for Carlisle's sake.
He's feasted on animals long enough to turn his eyes gold, like they are in the vision, but a quick glance in his rearview mirror lets him know he's not nearly as jubilant as he might be in the future.
Edward decides to walk around downtown for awhile. Maybe something will amuse him.
Yeah, Mike, you're quite the dynamo, someone sneers in their thoughts. Edward hardly can differentiate thoughts in crowded places like this, but this thought is unusually loud. For some reason the voice is soothing to him, like he's heard in once in a lullaby. This thought is enough to make him think he's gone mad and turn around to head back to the car.
Then he spots them. He really only pays attention to her, but she's with him so he can't help but notice him a little.
A mousy girl is walking with a tall, beefy guy with blonde hair and a stupid expression on his face. Edward picks up from his thoughts he thinks he's going to fuck this girl tonight, which is hilarious in comparison to her thoughts. In fact, Edward would laugh out loud but he's picked up her mouthwatering scent.
It's glorious. More than glorious. The vampire inside screams out with joy. This is why we're here, he whispers gleefully to Edward. Her blood is why we exist!
Edward can't really disagree. The gnawing thirst that takes over is blinding and complete. Standing is a nearly impossible feat now; he slinks back against the car and stares at her. The rational part of Edward reminds him he agreed a long time ago to stop killing innocents, and agreed not that long ago to try and live like Carlisle. Carlisle would not be considering killing a teenaged girl on a date. Carlisle would not be planning out the various ways he could attack her and get away with it.
No, Edward recalls, bloodlust doesn't cover a feeling like this.
Everything is burning- his throat, his tongue, his lips. He can already taste her and knows there's not enough blood in her body to sate him.
She must feel his stare because she glances up and locks eyes with him. She doesn't show it but she's impressed by his unwavering gaze and his unbelievably good looks. She fantasizes about what it would be like to be on a date with him rather than Mike. She wonders where he goes to high school. She would like to know why he looks so angry.
"Mike" says something, tearing her attention away from the vampire glaring at her. She asks him to repeat it.
"So want to go back to my house? My parents are out for the night."
The girl feels sick but manages to give him a totally fake smile. A smile that he buys. "Thanks but my dad will wonder where I am."
Mike sighs and unlocks his car doors. "You said you could stay out until 10, Bella."
Her eyes flicker relentlessly towards the creature that's daydreaming about sinking into her flesh and tearing out a couple of fattened arteries. I'd stay out until 10 if you were like him, she thinks.
Edward's growing impatient with this scene. He wants her and he has no choice but to take her. The angry, ferocious side of him is only being held back by the sweet promise of her blood, but it can only be held back for so long. Another minute and he is going to run over there and-
"You know what, Mike? I'm not feeling well and I know my dad is hanging around here somewhere. I think he can give me a ride home."
She manages to make herself sound and act ill enough that the pimply teenager agrees to leave her behind. Mike's thinking of calling up another girl to come over. He'll work on this girl another night, he tells himself. Only Edward knows he'll never have the chance.
He speeds off, leaving the defenseless girl behind for Edward's enjoyment. She peeks at him shyly, wondering if he'll approach her. She knows he looks angry- quite furious, actually- but she is hoping his attention is due to attraction. She can't help but be drawn in by the features that make his kind so irresistible to humans.
Slowly, so slowly he can barely stand it, Edward makes his way over to the girl. She is smiling softly now, dreaming of all the things he might say to her.
Looks like the Cullens, she thinks to herself, noting his eyes and abnormally pale complexion as he walks further into the light.
The vampire plays nice, smiling wickedly back. "Hello. I noticed you standing here all alone. Do you need a ride home?"
Of course she agrees. Edward's not blind nor ignorant to his good looks, but this knowledge doesn't make him cocky. It's merely a fact of his existence.
It's not ten minutes later that they're pulled over on a darkened street and Edward's mouth is clamped painfully on the screaming girl's neck.
The taste... is indescribable. Edward thought he had some pretty delicious meals before, but now he knows those were merely teases of what true pleasure could taste like. There has never been anything so completely satisfying before.
For a moment the persistent burn, the aching and elusive hunger, is fulfilled and suspended. He's euphoric as he grins around her bruised skin, ignoring her feeble hands as they push against his chest.
Then she's ripped away from him and something is holding him back from chasing after his dinner. He's snarling and screaming and crying just as loud as she is. Someone's holding the girl in their arms, whispering to her. The vampire finds this absurd.
Mine! the angry, swollen voice shrieks out somewhere in his mind.
His mouth tears into whatever his pushing him back into his seat. Her scent is all over him, as is her blood. He wants to take a bath in it. He wants to bottle up her blood and sip a little of it every day.
It's a considerably long time afterwards that some conscious thought comes back to him. He's aware someone is screeching annoyingly in the background, and that a hulking figure is practically sitting on him.
"You killed someone," a voice whispers to him.
At first Edward thinks it's his conscience, deciding now to pay a visit. Then he realizes the words are repeated, and they're coming from the stone on top of him. The stone named Emmett.
"She was a girl in a class below me," Emmett says, his saddened eyes lifting to Edward's. "Her father is the police chief."
The words mean nothing. Edward doesn't even really hear them. All that he can think of is that he's killed someone and Carlisle's faith in him is going to crack even more. Probably shatter totally, he amends. And what of his soul, the soul Carlisle is so assured he still has?
He catches a glimpse of his blood-streaked face in the rear-view mirror again, only this time his eyes are bright red.