This was based off a fanfic I stumbled across. This is all in fun and all that stuff...Yeah, and I don't own Twilight. If I did, I'd know what happens in Breaking Dawn. Since I don't, logically, I am not Stephenie Meyer. I wrote this parody at 1:00 in the morning.

The sunlight streamed through the window of Bella's room…nevermind that she was in Forks and the sun rarely shone. The sunlight hit Bella's angelic, gorgeous face, and somehow she didn't wake up from having glaring light in her face. The clock next to her bed read 5:30, yet the sun was as bright as if it were noon. No one can understand the insanity of the world of fanfiction.

There was a slight thump that you'd have to be a vampire to hear. Edward Cullen, in all his beautiful glory and mesmerizing gold eyes, landed outside of Bella's window. For some reason, Edward decided he wouldn't spend the night that night. And for some reason, the window was locked. And even odder, Edward, despite the millions of ways he could have entered the house besides the window, thousands of ways to unlock the window, and hundreds of ways he could have entered through the window silently, decided to smash the window and come in that subtle way.

Bella hardly even stirred at the loud destruction of her window, and somehow Charlie didn't hear it either. Maybe he couldn't because of his earthshaking snoring. This could account for Bella's hard of hearing. Maybe that's why Edward chose not to spend the night.

Though one wonders why he bothers when the inhabitants of the house did not stir when one of their windows broke, shameful behavior for a police chief, Edward crept catquiet into Bella's room. He paused for a second, supposedly to admire Bella's perfection and sigh about his earthbound angel and angst about how unworthy he was.

Suddenly, Bella stirred and returned to the land of the living! She manages to sleep through her father's snores and window shattering but the mere proximity to Edward woke her up! At least, that's the theory.

Bella fluttered her long, perfect eyelashes that shielded her melting chocolate eyes and peered at Edward seductively. He peered back down at her with mesmerizing golden eyes.

"Hello, Edward." Bella said in a husky voice, totally unlike her own.

"Bella? Is that you?" Edward replied, puzzled.

Bella coughed and cleared her throat.

"Sorry, throat's a bit raspy."

"Ah." Edward replied, understanding.

Bella blinked and squinted at the god like creature staring at her and her mind just now caught up to the fact that Edward, gorgeous, flawless Edward was looking at her. Nevermind that he'd been looking at her for the last two years.

"Oh, Edward!" She squeaked out.

"Oh, Bella!" He cried in ecstasy.

Bella jumped out of the bed and straight into Edward's arms, her brown hair swinging perfectly perfect behind her. In fact, it looked like she just finished a shampoo commercial. They promptly began to make out.

(A.N. At this point, I am too nauseated to describe the smooching, and besides that would bring the rating up to a M. So let's just say it's an hour after Bella just woke up and they're still making out.)

Cue big plot point.

Suddenly, despite TWO FREAKIN' YEARS of controlling himself around Bella, and NEARLY A CENTURY of controlling himself around humans, Edward Anthony Mason Cullen…the third(couldn't resist) fell off the wagon. He accidentally bit Bella's lip.

Enter a surprised minute of staring at each other.

Then, with a great, dramatic gasp, Isabella Marie Swan fainted. Swooned. Passed out. Collapsed. Blacked out. Lost consciousness. Keeled over. Take your pick.

And Edward, for all his maturity, acted as if his favorite teddy bear had exploded.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My Bella! Mi Bella! Ma chérie! What will I do without you!"

Charlie continued snoring, unaware of the great drama and calamity that was unfolding in his house.

Then, a lightbulb went off of Edward's head. Carlisle.

Even though Edward went to medical school, like, five times, and went through college, who knows how many times, Edward just ran to his mommy. I mean, daddy.

Of course he scooped up Bella, and made sure his landing was gentle (even fanfiction Edward was considerate enough for that small necessity. After all, there can be no romance if one of the persons involved is dead.) And he never paused to think about what Charlie would think if he saw his daughter gone from her bed, and the window smashed. That's right, folks, Edward, the proverbial genius and overthinker, did not think about the consequences of his actions. Then again, this is fanfiction, where children have affairs and pedophiles lurk around every corner. So, I guess Charlie, responsible dad he is, would not think to check or care.

Edward ran to his house, and flung the door off its hinges in his haste. And Alice somehow did not see this coming. Maybe a werewolf was involved.

"CARLISLE!" Edward bellowed at the top of his lungs, forgetting that he was in a house of super-sensitive hearing vampires in his distress.

"What's wrong, Edward? Alice hasn't said anything would happen, nevermind that she said she wasn't infallible, so surely there is no need for haste, yelling, or worry."

"Dude," Jasper said. "You're giving off bad vibes. It's giving the hamsters indigestion."

"bitherbutIswearthatIdidn'tmeantodon'tjudgeme!" Edward wailed.

"Like, totally." Jasper muttered. "That's just like groovy, man." And he wandered off to listen to calming music and meditate in the mauve meadow of musical maroon mermaids and magical magenta monkeys.

"Carlisle?" Edward said hopefully.

Carlisle stared at Bella's prone form for a long, agonizing minute. Then, Edward noticed what he was doing.

"Hey! Stop checking out my girlfriend! You've already got Esme!"

"I wasn't 'checking her out'." Carlisle retorted stiffly. "I am merely studying her body for injuries."

"Well? Anything?" Edward demanded.

"Hmm…." Carlisle stroked his chin. "I believe…" He stared for another minute until Edward couldn't take the tension anymore.

"What!"

"I have never seen anything like this before." Carlisle pronounced gravely, in the same tone one would use for an announcement of death.

Edward let out another heartwrenching, mournful howl. Faraway, a lone wolf pricked up his ears in surprise. Jacob Black shook his head and kept going. He was imagining things.

Then, el gaspo! Bella….awoke! She fluttered her insanely long lashes and looked gorgeous. In a blink of an eye, she changed. Cue shocked gasps.

Bella Swan was no longer human. Bella Swan was now a vampire. Bella Swan was now more gorgeous. Bella Swan….had brown eyes?

You heard right, peeps, Bella, even though she is a supposed newborn vamp, she has BROWN eyes not RED ones. I'm guessing being unique enough that Edward can't hear her mind isn't enough for her, no. She has to defy all logic for vampires too!

Edward grabbed her in a bonecrushing hug. I mean literally bonecrushing. Carlisle called down the family for a meeting.

"Bella is now officially part of our family with an appropriately angsty vampiric change."

"Huh?" Bella said intelligently.

"I mean, just look at us! Edward, Spanish influenza, Rosalie, raped, Esme, abusive family and threw herself off a bloody cliff, Emmett, mauled by a bear, Jasper, century in war, Alice, never knew who she was….. So, you see, to belong, you have to have an angsty past too."

"Being hunted down by James, then abandoned by Edward, then getting a deadline on my head from the Volturi, then being hunted by Victoria's not angsty enough for you?" Bella demanded.

"Good point. But, it's so much more romantic to be changed by a kiss…."

"Ooooh…." Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie said simultaneously, their only purpose to be background characters.

"Now, Bella, go and get your things. You're moving in!"

"I'll help you pack!" squealed Alice. "Pick me!Pick me!Pick me!Pick me!"

"Oooohhhh-kay…Alice." Bella said, confused by this sudden lack of maturity and evident sugar high.

So, both of them left the house, walking. At human speed. To Bella's house. Even though there are a number of cars available. Edward's Volvo, Carlisle's Mercedes, Alice's Porsche, Emmett's jeep, Rosalie's BMW, and Jasper's bike were all available, though it was a school day, and Carlisle had work. Eventually, they reached Bella's house. Bella rang the effin' doorbell, when it was her own house! Alice just smiled and looked cute. Charlie was up and watching a game, though he was supposed to be at work and wondering why Bella wasn't up yet. He got up and answered the door, looking unsurprised at seeing Bella and Alice on his porch.

"Howdy, Alice!" Charlie grinned. "My, Bella, you're looking pretty today!"

It was at this point at which I gave up on the fanfic.