Kathryn Janeway drum her fingers along her desk, trying and failing to concentrate on the Padd in her hand. She found herself rereading the same sentence for the fifth time and threw the Padd on her desk. She leaned back in her chair and brought her hands to cover her face. Seriously this was ridiculous. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't focus, she couldn't read! Hell she was useless.
She stood and began pacing her ready room, absentmindedly toying with and pulling at her hair while the other hand rested on her hip. Was she really surprised? Did she really think he would wait for her when she was reported dead? Had she wanted him to wait? What had she wanted? Why didn't she feel sad? What did she want now?
Pausing her endless stream of questions and in her infinite loop around the room she ordered some coffee ice cream from the replicator. Normally she didn't indulge herself like this but honestly she didn't care enough to resist.
She grabbed her ice cream and started her pacing once more, this time trying to focus on the cool taste of espresso and the creamy texture she loved so much. Only coffee could seem to relax her when she got to buried to deep in her own thoughts, hence the apparent addiction. Unfortunately, the the treat was gone far to quickly and she recycled the bowl, sitting reluctantly back at her desk.
She grabbed a Padd from the very corner of her desk and began to read it for the upteenth time. Marks letter was short, as all the letters had to be, but she could clearly hear his voice in the words. At least he was happy.
There were subtle hints woven all the way through the letter prodding at Kathryn, trying to make her realize that it was best for both of them that they had been forced to move on. What Mark didn't know was that it was hardly his permission that kept her from moving forward with any relationship, and she certainly agreed that their separation had been best in the long run. Her safety net was gone now though, she would have to come up with another way to avoid prodding that small box inside her mind that kept the thoughts about her relationships tucked tight away. Far away.
She had just finished reading the letter when over the comm she heard "Chakotay to Janeway". She sighed and put the letter back on the edge of her desk.
"Go ahead Commander"
"Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you would like to join me for dinner. I know for a fact that you snuck back to your ready room after your shift and you probably skipped lunch."
She shook her head and smiled slightly. He knew her to well. "You got me, dinner would be great."
"See you at 1900 hours then, my quarters, civilian clothing. Chakotay out."
Janeway rose from her chair and attempted to stretch out some of the knots that were developing in her shoulders by tugging at them. Unsuccessful in releasing her tension, she decided to go back to her quarters to see if she could get some work done in peace there before dinner.
She began to gather up the miscellaneous pads on her desk when she stopped. Eyes snapping up to look at nothing in particular.
Dinner. With Chakotay. In his quarters. And civilian clothing no less. What had she just agreed to? She remembered that she had told him about Mark's letter, and only thinking back on it now did she realize the glint that had sprung into his eyes. Her last plausible safety was gone and he knew it. There was no way she could avoid talking to him any longer. As she continued to gather her things, she mentally gathered her thoughts and prepared herself to open that small box that hid her feelings.