A/N: I wrote this over a year ago in my notebook and finally got off my lazy ass to type it up and post it here. This story is not for the easily offended. Seriously. Enjoy this sweet crack I cooked up for you. ;D

Victor Creed Meets a Mary Sue

Creed was driving down a little-used road when he saw a person standing in the middle of it. He briefly contemplated just running them over to get past, but he didn't want to dent his car. As he rolled up closer, he realized it was a girl. And she was just standing there, staring into space with a dumbass look on her face. Bluebirds fluttered around her, and she smiled a huge, blindingly white grin, talking to them as they sang and alit on her outstretched arms, shoulders and the multiple weapons strapped to her back that poked out and made her look like a living pincushion.

She finally took notice of Victor's car after he loudly revved his engine; startling the birds and making them scatter. Fixing a sickly look on her face that was no doubt meant to be pouty, she strode up to his car and bent over to look into the driver's window, hands splayed palms-down on the roof. Victor realized belatedly that not only was she ridiculously tall, skinny, and 'perfectly' curvy, but that she also had stick-thin stilettos on and was tottering around on them with the grace of a beauty queen. He hoped for a moment that she'd trip on them and break her neck.

He had to fight the urge to rip her head off and watch her perfectly straight, ridiculously long, blond hair-that had streaks of about seventy billion other colors of the rainbow in it-trail behind her decapitated dome like some sort of demented party streamer when she knocked matter-of-factly on his dark-tinted window with 3 inch long, revoltingly electric blue nails. Mustering up what little reserve of frayed patience he had, he rolled down the window with the press of a button, fixing her with one of his most murderous glares.

"Excuse me, can you tell me why you scared off my friends?" the insipid bitch asked, her high voice immediately irritating Creed's enhanced ears worse than fifty nails on a chalkboard.

"Excuse me," he mocked her, "Could you tell me what the fuck you were doing, standing in the middle of the road like a goddamn retard?"

"Oh!" she gasped, shocked expression put in place in all its melodramatic glory. "You used a naughty! Quite a few naughties!" Her face broke out into an exaggerated grin. Apparently this was supposed to be some sort of a joke. "I can be naughty too," she leaned in, her grossly oversized chest practically falling out of the extremely low-cut bust of her dress, attempting to be remotely 'sexy'. Creed could feel his jaw tightening in impatient intolerance as well as fighting the urge to swallow his revolted bile that rose. He'd bet all the money he had that those tits were faker than Joan River's ugly mug.

"Lady, I don't give a fuck," he replied flatly, beginning to roll the window back up and preparing to drive on before he murdered the bitch.

"Don't you know who I am?" She said with such urgency that he paused for a moment.

"Nope, and I don't give two shits, either," he said apathetically, the window moving upward again. She gasped.

"I'm Dr. Angel Diamond Isabella Jinx Sparkle Rose Eve Jacqueline Hale Cullen!" At this rather strange proclamation, the window's progress halted once more, leaving only the space of Creed's eyes staring at her incredulously. She smiled broadly; obviously mislead to believe she'd impressed him somehow. She hadn't in the least. Still, she continued her speech.

"I'm a vet, doctor, mutant, human, vampire, witch, goddess, demigoddess, werewolf, shapeshifter, potions master at Hogwarts, experienced thief, epic story writer, philosopher, genius with an IQ of over 6,000,000,000, adventurer, time-traveler, angel, demon, super-spy, assassin, teacher, Jesus, superhero, elf, animagus, ninja, prospector, and sex kitten! I can heal, shoot lightning, fire, and acid, control the weather and all other elements known and unknown to man, control people's minds, read minds, be incredibly fast, heal automatically, turn myself and other things invisible, shoot lasers out of my tits, make force fields, have diamond-hard skin and eternal youth, operate complex machinery on the spur of the moment even if I've never even touched it before-like a tank or helicopter, save lives from the brink of death, bring irrelevant characters from unrelated media back to life or just into the plot as a "best friend", talk to animals, use telekinesis, talk to ghosts, fly, use a sword and guns perfectly, employ any martial art I want, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. And…" she said with an air of dramatic importance, "…I'm your wife!" she finished with a flourish.

During this speech, Victor's eyes had glazed over, and he didn't register much of what she said. Until the end, of course. He snapped back to attention in time to see her wave a ring with a grotesque amount of dragons, flowers, tigers, dolphins, hearts and an assortment of different shiny gems stuck firmly on her left ring finger. He wasn't sure where the hell she got that ugly-as-fuck piece of jewelry, but that had been the straw that broke the camel's back. He'd been debating on either murdering her outright, or just leaving her retarded ass there to die. He smiled evilly. Of course, all Dr. Angel Diamond Isabella Jinx Sparkle Rose Eve Jacqueline Hale Cullen saw was his eyes crinkling in a smile. She completely failed to see the malicious intent dancing in them.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said, unlocking the door and opening it. She stepped aside with a happy gasp, completely missing his snide sarcasm that drenched each syllable. "I didn't realize that…" he stepped smoothly out of the old-fashioned muscle car and shut the door with an echoing 'clump'. She smiled broadly. Those fucking dentures were going to give him a headache.

"Yes, my love?" she asked breathlessly. His eye twitched dangerously. He really needed to kill this delusional bitch.

"I didn't realize that I'd gotten married to such a..." He continued, leaning forward, toward her. With a delighted squeal, she launched herself at him; arms wide open for a hug. Grinning wickedly, Creed extended his claws and raked them across her gut, then face. "…fuckin' freak of a cunt," he finished as she stumbled back in shock. Then, of course, predictably, she began to heal. Well, fuck.

"Owwwww! Why did you doooo thaaaat?" she whined, wiping blood off her cheek. "I thought you loved meeee! Don't you remember the romantic moonlight adventure we had in Spain? We fell in LOOOOOOOOOOOVE." she said with an expression full of memorial rapture, gasping out the last word as though she orgasmed on the thought of it alone.

"Look, whore. I'm not one for entertainin' delusional, retarded bitches like you. I don't know what the fuck 'love' is, and I sure as hell don't ever act 'romantic'," Creed growled. It was time to kill her, and kill her fast. She was beginning to whimper obnoxiously, soon to be a sob-fest.

"You're breaking my heaaaaaaaaaaaart!" she wailed.

"Good. And now I'm breaking your neck," he replied, grabbing her fast and slicing her head off her shoulders swiftly with his claws. She screamed various versions of "why" at him before he completely parted the head from her body, severing through her voice box. She silently mouthed more shit at him he could care less about as he proceeded to set aside her head, then viciously tear apart her body to shreds before dousing the remains-that he noticed with distaste, sparkled in the sunlight-in gasoline and lit a match on it, muttering "Diamond-hard skin, my ass," under his breath.

Satisfied that the body wouldn't regenerate after it was reduced to ashes that the wind quickly blew away, he turned back to pick up the head. Which was no longer there. Creed saw a blood trail leading to the opposite side of the car, where she cowered, growing a new body rapidly.

"Oh hell no," he growled, yet again parting her from her body and tossing it in the fire.

"This'll go on forever! Oh! How romantic! An eternal feud!" she gushed telepathically to him as he grabbed one of her fifty swords and heated it in the fire. To feed the fire, he regularly decapitated her until the sword was red-hot. Quickly, he ripped away her newest body and pressed the sword to the gushing hole, cauterizing the wound and making growing anything back impossible.

"Now," he ground out irritably. Time to make his daydreams reality.

Three hours later, Creed stood at the edge of the Grand Canyon, Dr. Angel Diamond Isabella Jinx Sparkle Rose Eve Jacqueline Hale Cullen's head being dragged behind him by a handful of her retardedly long hair. During the entire ride, she'd been babbling incessantly directly into his mind. Finally, he was there and his intent was now startlingly clear, even for her.

"No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no… Victor, my love, you don't really want to do this! I tamed the animal inside you! I mean, what about all we've shared?" She wailed despairingly as he stood at the cliff rim.

"Yeah. All four hours of it," he replied sarcastically before dunking her head in gas, lighting it on fire, winding up, and pitching her head as far as he could across the canyon. He marveled at how, yes, in fact, the hair did make a banner-like streamer tail behind her. She looked like a comet, he mused as her hair caught on fire. An ugly, shrieking comet. He watched as she finally faded from view and existence, changing into ashes that sprinkled like delicate snow to the canyon floor below.

"Hey!" a park ranger that looked suspiciously like a Ken doll trotted up to Creed. "No littering on park grounds!"

"Hahaha, Shut the fuck up," Creed replied, shoving the man off the edge, too. All-in-all, Victor Creed was in a much better mood after that.

THE FIN.