Twilight, Harry Potter Hybrid Parody

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN either the Twilight series or the Harry Potter series. They belong to Stephanie Meyer and J.K. Rowling, respectively. This is purely a fan made parody of the two.

[A few years after Cedric's death]

Harry: Cedric … I, I thought you died!

Edward: I did.

Harry: Where have you been? Why are you still here; alive? Why has your accent changed?

Edward: Oh, um, it has?

Harry: Cedric, what happened? I swore you were dead. I saw you. I saw them drag your body away. I was at your funeral! Your parents were crying! Dumbledore made a whole speech in front of the whole school! You were dead! I swore you were dead!

Edward: Harry, let me explain, after my dying body was carried away he-who-must-not-be-named came after me. He – he bit me.

Harry: W-what?! He did what? B-but I'm the boy who lived! Why did he bite you?

Edward: He bit me, Harry. He is a vampire.

Harry: Voldemort's a vampire?

Edward: Of course. How else do you explain his pale complexion, slit nostrils, cold skin, he never goes out in the sunlight, he seems to be everywhere at once, he is terribly sadistic – and he has a penchant for dark attire.

Harry: Voldemort the vampire?

Edward: Yes.

Harry: I – I don't believe –

Edward: You need convincing, Harry? Is that what you need? [Jumps in a flash atop a branch of the nearest tree] I'm a monster, Harry. A complete monster.

Harry: [Gulps] Cedric, that's the Whomping Willow tree.

[Edward gets walloped but the branch breaks instead of him. He calmly throws the branch aside and walks back to his position near Harry.]

Harry: But, why didn't I know about this? I always know about these things!

[Cho Chang suddenly appears]

Cho: C-Cedric?! Is that you? Is that really you? [pushes Harry aside] You look so – so –

Edward: Pale?

Cho: No – alive.

Edward: Why … thanks. I haven't slept in days.

Cho: I – I thought you died.

Edward: I did die! I died! I'm dead … never mind.

Cho: Cedric, I – I'm so happy that you're here! [rushes to embrace him]

Harry: [Coughs behind her]

[Reading Harry's mind: Get away from her! She's meant to be with me! I'm the all-mighty, all-powerful, incredible, awe-inspiring, undefeatable, death-defying …]

Cho: [Quickly jumps away from Cedric/Edward's stone cold body] W-what happened to you?

Edward: I've changed.

Cho: I don't understand.

Edward: Cho, I'm not good for you.

Cho: I – I don't care.

Edward: No, I mean it. You better stay away from me if you know what's good for you.

Cho: What if I don't know what's good for me?

Edward: Damn it, Cho, I'm a vampire!

Cho: I don't care. I still love you.

Edward: I'll never understand your species.

Cho: Wizards and witches?

Edward: No. Girls.

Harry: Um, C-Cho, I'm a vampire too!

Cho: [Glares] You're a wizard, Harry – and not a very good one either.

[Reading Harry's mind: That's not true! I know lots of spells! And they're all-mighty, and all-powerful, and incredible, and awe-inspiring, and undefeatable, and death defying … I – I can do 'expelliarmus' and 'expecto patronum' and … and … um, oh crap, that's it, isn't it?]

Edward: It doesn't matter, Cho. I'm in love with someone else.

Cho: What!? Who? Don't tell me it's that stupid Lavender Brown. She's going around Hogwarts kissing all the good ones!

Edward: No. Bella Swan.

Cho: Who is that? I've never heard of her? Is she from Hufflepuff, the house no one ever cares about?

Edward: W – what I was from Hufflepuff!!

Cho: I swear I can duel her anytime – and win.

Edward: What? No, Cho, you will never lay a finger on Bella!

[Bad timing as usual, Bella, the trouble magnet, appears]

Bella: Edward, are these friends of yours?

Cho: Edward? He's Cedric, bitch. Cedric Diggory.

Bella: [Her eyes widen] Um, Edward, can we go? I hate these cold places. I should have never let you talk me into going to England. It's cloudy and rainy all the time. I can't feel my fingers – or my feet. That's … not … good. [Stumbles]

Edward: [Grabs Bella's arm gently] Yes. I think it is best we go.

Bella: [Shivers] Edward, not helping.

Edward: [Retracts hand] Sorry.

[Bella falls]

Cho: Cedric! No! I still love you! Come back, please!

Bella: [Looks sympathetic] Whoever you are, I know just how you feel. I almost lost Edward too, and it would hurt me very much if I lost him again. Without him, there would be no stars, or sun, or moon. Without him, I wouldn't even be able to breathe. I'd always have this hole in my heart, I'd never feel complete. I would have to hold myself together just to keep from falling apart. Without him, I'd be completely lost.

Cho: You skank!

[Harry, still standing around, looking depressed, is absolutely self-involved in his own loathing of himself. Insert his one-page monologue here accompanied by tragic violin music.]

Bella: No, dear, you shall be just fine. Don't put yourself down. Because you know what you are? You are a strong, independent woman!

Cho: Shut up! I'm not independent, you albino! Have you seen the way I date? I move from one man to another like a bloody leech! You don't ever call me independent! [Points wand at Bella]

Edward: Cho, don't you even dare.

Cho: I thought I'd lost you forever, Cedric! I really thought I did! But now you're standing here in front of me, and you don't want me? Is it because I'm in Ravenclaw? Because I'll switch to Hufflepuff just for you. I can be unpopular and forgotten in that black hole of a house. We can play on the same quidditch team together, forever – is that what you want?

Edward: …

Bella: Uh, Cho, is it? Look, I don't know if this might help, but we've got one lonely wolf – boy at home who might like some company?

Edward: You have got to be kidding me.

Bella: [hisses] Wouldn't you be glad to get Jacob away from me?

Edward: [Directs his mesmorising half-smile at Cho and dazzles her] Yes, Cho. Come back to Forks with us. Jacob is – great. You always wanted a pet dog, right?

Bella: Edward!

Cho: [Pauses for a second] Forks? Where's that?

Edward: America.

Cho: But that means moving away from home – [In Cho's mind: away from whiny clingy self-obsessed Harry] [smiles widely] sure!

Harry: [In utter disbelief] What? Cho? You're going with them?

Cho: Yes. I'm so sorry, Harry. I really mean it. Um, it's not me it's you.

Harry: Wait! That's supposed to go the other way around!

Cho: Uh … sure.

Edward: [Talking to Bella] Forks has vampires, werewolves – and now you want to bring a witch into the mix?

Bella: Yeah, I'm sorry, but Angela was not up for the job. I'm rehiring.