How to Save a Life (Song by The Fray)
Where did I go wrong?
I need to talk to him. I need to make him realize the mistake he's making. I don't want to lose him. It's all their fault though. They're the ones that taught him all this crap. They're the ones that told him about blood purity and how muggleborns don't deserve magic. I'm not to blame. They are.
Step one.
I knock on his door. He finally moved away from home. It isn't far though, only a block down the street.
He's shocked to see me. It wouldn't be obvious to other people, but I know him. His eyes widen ever-so-slightly, his mouth tightens, and his hand clenches. He's shocked.
Before he can tell me to leave, I tell that we have to talk. He nods stiffly and walks into the house, not saying anything. I follow after him, through the long narrow hallway. There's a window to the right, showing the cold, rainy day in the city.
He leads me to a living room of sorts. He stays standing by the fireplace. I take a seat stiffly in one of his armchairs as I tell him to take a seat, it's just a talk. He gives a polite, strained smile, but doesn't sit. I feel my mind wander, wondering how he's been. If he's okay. How hard it's been on him. But I don't voice any of this. It's not my place anymore. We aren't brothers anymore. We aren't friends. We're nothing.
He goes to the bar on the left side of the room. I decline the offered drink. I'm too worried to drink, too scared about this conversation.
I'm worried about him. I fear for him because I know he's too much like our parents to be scared himself. I'm starting to wonder if I could have done something to save him. Maybe I am to blame? I'm stuck between fear and blame, and I begin to wonder why I came. He won't listen to me. He won't change my mind. Why should I bother? Why did I come?
We need to talk.
Let him know that you know best.
He asks why I'm here. I tell him. I'm his older brother, I'm worried.
He says it's none of my business anymore. It hasn't been my business since I became a traitor.
I hang my head. My voice is barely above a whisper as I talk. I'm your big brother. I'm older, wiser, more mature. I know what's best for you. This isn't it.
He snorts. I may be older, but I'm far from mature, and further from wise. I don't even know what's best for myself, how could I know what's best for him? He's where he belongs. He's safe, he says. You-Know-Who won't hurt him as long as he doesn't betray Him. He's safe. I'm the one in danger.
I shake my head. Part of me realizes that he is safe, for now at least. But I don't say that. I tell him that it's wrong. Killing innocent people. Torturing people. Just because of their parents, something they can't control. It's all wrong. I've told him this before, but it didn't make a difference then. I pray that it does now. I need it to work this time. Please, God. Please.
Grant him one last choice.
He's yelling now. I know nothing. I've been corrupted by my friends. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. You-Know-Who knows. Muggles are worthless. Muggleborns don't deserve magic. They need to be killed. I'm a blood-traitor. I should be killed too. His voice keeps raising.
I lower my voice, practically whispering now. I give him two options. Leave, go in hiding. Flee the city, the country, the continent if you have too. Just leave. Far away, where He won't find you.
Or break away from Him, and fight. Let the Order protect you, help you. Give us any information you know. Help us stop Him. We'll protect you. We'll keep you safe.
Before I even stop talking I know his answer. He can only do two things. But I know which one he'll choose.
He could agree. He could come with me to the Order and help us. He'll admit to everything he did wrong. He'll tell us what we need to know. He'll let me protect him like I'm supposed to.
Or he'll shake his head. Say he's just not the same. He's grown up and realized the truth. Our parents were right. You-Know-Who is right. He can't help us. We're the ones that are wrong. If he helped us, nothing we could do would stop Him. You-Know-Who would kill him, and anyone who tried to stop Him.
Why did I bother coming? I knew this wouldn't work. He won't listen to me. I'm the blood-traitor. I'm the dreaded Gryffindor. I'm the disowned son. I'm the brother that left him. I didn't keep him safe.
Why did I come?
I lost a friend
What did I do wrong? I'm the one to blame. It's my fault I lost him. I lost a brother. I lost a friend. I lost the one person that ever understood me. Where did I go wrong?
I lost him along in the bitterness. Fighting with my parents caused this. He was torn. He had to choose a side. The brother who "betrayed" the family, but had also shared a bed with him when he was scared of the dark. Or the parents who raised him, who taught him everything he knows, who provided for him. In the end, it was probably a tough choice. But he chose them.
Maybe if I wrote him while I was at school, or tried talking to him when he got there. Maybe if I stayed up with him all night, talking about our houses, our friends, what we thought of our parents' beliefs. Maybe if I had tried to stay his brother. Maybe then I wouldn't have lost him. Maybe Voldemort wouldn't have made him a death eater. Maybe Regulus wouldn't be in danger. I could have saved his life.