Calm before the Storm
A sequel to Another Life
Sam had awakened to see Dean sprawled on his bed, deep in sleep, slightly snoring. Sam could only give a quick grin. For all of Dean's finely honed hunting skills, when he slept, you'd think he could wake up the dead. Sam couldn't sleep anymore and went downstairs, the smell of coffee beckoning him like a siren's…Sam stopped his thought dead in its tracks as he remembered what had happened the day before. He took in a breath and tried to erase the events from his mind. When he reached the landing, he walked over to a picture window.
It was a gloomy morning. Dark foreboding clouds were looming. Sam felt oddly in tune with the weather, as if he were a part of it, one with it. He didn't know why.
"Storm's coming," Bobby said behind him and yet Sam was only slightly startled. What was wrong with him?
"I see that. Looks like it's going to be a big one."
"Looks like," Bobby agreed. "Coffee?"
"Yeh, yeh," Sam said as he followed Bobby into his kitchen. "How long have you been up?"
"Let's just say that when you get to be my age, sleep is optional and only on its terms," Bobby joked and Sam smiled. "Besides, after the dream root case, I haven't exactly been all that keen on sleep. I do enough of it to keep sharp, but otherwise…"
Sam nodded in understanding.
"Speaking of sleep, how'd you do?" Bobby asked, almost fatherly.
"Okay, I guess. I must have been pretty tired because I don't remember Dean coming back into the room."
Bobby handed Sam a cup of coffee and Sam took it gratefully.
"You two talk all night?" Sam asked.
"Some of it. Dean told me about the Siren and what it did. He was feeling bad about what he'd said."
"Yeh, me too," Sam said as he took a sip of coffee.
"Are you boys all right?"
"Yeh, yeh, we both said it was the Siren song that made us say what we did," Sam dodged.
"Don't con a con man, son. You and Dean couldn't see the Trickster messing with you so I can tell you're not okay, neither of you."
"What did Dean tell you?" Sam said, a touch of resentment and defensiveness in his voice.
"What does that matter?" Bobby asked, noting the tone in Sam's voice.
"Because if you've already made up your mind –"
"About what?"
Sam saw the puzzled look on Bobby's face and realized that Bobby didn't know what he was talking about. Maybe Dean hadn't told Bobby about Sam using his powers like he had thought he had. A twinge of guilt went through him. He had assumed that Dean had gone running to Bobby so that he could help Dean lecture Sam about not using his powers, but he'd been wrong. Sam didn't like the conclusion he had jumped to. What was wrong with him? Why was he feeling defensive, like he was being ganged up on when he wasn't?
"Sam? What's going on with you two?"
"I'm sorry, Bobby. I guess Dean and I, we're just…" Sam trailed off.
"Dean told me about his time in Hell. He's in a world of hurt about what he did there and gotta tell you, he's worried that you think he was weak to give in and frankly, that you don't respect him anymore."
Sam's features softened. Dean had talked more about himself to Bobby.
"Did Dean say that?"
"He didn't have to. Any one can see that he hates what he did there, not surprising really given how Dean feels about saving people. I've known you boys since you were knee high. Dean puts a high price on your opinion of him and he thinks he's let you down. He's afraid he's losing you. He's afraid he's losing himself."
Sam looked into his coffee cup and briefly saw a reflection of himself in it and, for a second, didn't like what he saw there.
"I know and I've told him that I understood, but…"
"Sam, between you and me, do you really understand?"
Sam looked up at Bobby with surprise.
"What do you mean?"
"Look, I didn't mince words with Dean so I'm not going to with you. Be honest, do you think Dean's weak because he didn't hold out?"
"I…" Sam stuttered unable to voice his conflicting feelings. A part of him did think Dean should have held out, should have fought harder, but he also knew he had no clue what Hell had been like for Dean, that he never could. Still, it scared him that he had dismissed Dean's guilt over torturing those souls as if it was no big deal, that Dean should just move past it. How could he say that to Dean?
"Because if you do, you're hurting Dean in ways that no one else can. He believes he was weak, that he should have held out. Now, I hope to heaven that I never have to really know what Hell is like, but I can tell you, from the books I've read, it's a place that no good man should ever end up and your brother, he's the best as they come. You both are. I told Dean that for all of your daddy's shortcomings, he did right by you boys, but son, because of the way you were raised, Dean thinks he's lost your respect by giving in, by becoming less than human. Do you believe that?"
"No, I…"
"Then what's on your mind, Sam?"
Sam had remembered all the words he had thrown at Dean and the cold way that he had said them. It scared him.
"Bobby, I said some terrible things to Dean under the Siren spell and like we always do, we swept it all under the rug and ignored them, but honestly? I guess I have been worried about what being in Hell did to Dean and that it might keep him from taking out Lillith."
"That payback you wanted when you couldn't get Dean back?" Bobby asked.
"Yeh," Sam admitted reluctantly.
Bobby refilled Sam's coffee cup as well as his own as he thought out what to say next to Sam.
"Dean wants to win this war, but seems to me you want Lillith more. Am I wrong?"
Sam took in a deep breath.
"I want both, Bobby, and I think Lillith is the key to getting both jobs done. She's breaking the seals."
"True enough, but seems to me just like Dean is letting his time in Hell cloud his judgment about whether he's strong enough to win this war. You're obsessing on Lillith and not seeing the bigger picture."
Sam tried to defend himself, but Bobby stopped him.
"Hear me out," Bobby said and Sam sat patiently silent. "It's not about who's reason is better than the other. It's not about the seals or Lillith. Bottomline, Sam, it's about you and Dean. If you're not together on the mission then it's doomed to fail. I've been around long enough to know that sometimes it can be easy to just pick a simple answer and run with it, ignore the rest or hope that it irons itself out in the running, but truth be told, you're both running away from each other. You used to be together in the hunts and this hunt is not like any other. Dean feels he's a liability and you feel like you can get things done if you can just keep on your vendetta. You're both wrong. Now, I know that the both of you aren't telling me everything and that's your right, but whatever it is that's between you two, you both better find a way to get past it."
"Shouldn't you be telling Dean this too?" Sam said, that touch of resentment returning in his voice and he didn't like it, but couldn't stop it.
"You don't think he already knows? He does, just like you do you too, but keep acting like everything's fine when it isn't and you'll both pay the price. The hell with the world. It won't make a lick a difference if the world comes to an end or not, whether you take out Lillith or not, if you and Dean lose your way with each other, it's already over. Look at what single-mindedness did to your daddy."
Sam nodded then became pensive. He understood what Bobby was telling him because he knew it was true.
"You know, I used to hate Dad for his crusade against the yellow-eyed demon. It took him away from us, from a normal life and now look at me? I'm no better than he is."
"That isn't so, Sam. Your dad would be proud of you both."
"I doubt that," Sam scoffed without elaborating, but feeling a cold sense of fraternity that he didn't want to feel towards his father.
Sam knew that if their father had lived and had found out that he was developing his powers, he would be the first to lecture him, maybe even to kill him.
"Look, I'm not your father so I don't have any right to tell either of you boys what to do, but I have known you both long enough to know when something's wrong. Trust me when I say you need each other."
Sam nodded. Despite his growing prowess with his power, deep down he was worried for Dean. Dean seemed fragile in ways he never would have expected to see in his big brother. When their dad had died, Dean had been angry, grief stricken, and if it weren't for Dean's drive to make sure Sam was safe, that he save him like their dad had asked of him, Sam was certain that Dean would have killed himself, not deliberately, he wouldn't leave Sam that way, but he would have let something slip. He almost had with the crossroads demon, but Sam knew that Dean held on for him.
Sam saw the strain and cracks that were developing in Dean and he knew that he was partly to blame. What he had said under the Siren's spell just hammered what he knew Dean feared, that Sam was leaving him behind. What frightened Sam was how much he meant those words. Much as he liked his newfound power, his ability to exorcize demons with his mind, the confidence it gave him being able to save people without hurting them, it came with something he wasn't prepared for, a different kind of transformation. He found himself hating his human limitations. Most of all, the empathy that used to come so naturally for him, he had to dig for, work at bringing into his mind, let alone into his heart. He didn't like that feeling.
Sam feared that he might have underestimated his ability to handle his powers, but his pride wouldn't let him admit it to himself, let alone to Dean. It was that same pride that seemed to be telling him that Dean was beneath him and Sam was beginning to believe it and liked the idea of going off on his own, hunting demons. What was happening to him? How could he enjoy his power at the expense of a brother who gave him everything?
Pride goeth before a fall. Isn't that what they say? Facing Pride back when they were fighting the seven deadly sins seemed ironic now.
"You okay there?" Bobby said, breaking into Sam's thoughts.
"Yeh, just taking in what you said," Sam said as he finished his coffee and laid the cup onto the counter. "Think I'll take a walk around the yard, you know, clear my head."
Bobby just nodded. His instincts told him otherwise, but he silenced himself from commenting any further. He had said all he had wanted to say. He had to hope some of what he had told both boys would stick. Seeing them both so lost in their own problems as well as their disconnect from each other hurt Bobby. He had never seen two brothers so close when they were growing up. It was hard to see them so far apart on the mission now. When the Trickster had them in his grip, at least that was temporary and he could help them, but what they were going through now was by their own creation and both couldn't see beyond themselves. Bobby had nothing in his hunting arsenal to combat that.
"Be mindful of the storm. It's moving fast."
"Will do," Sam said.
Bobby watched Sam go outside then finished his own cup of coffee.
He sensed something in Sam that was different than what Dean was going through, but he couldn't 'suss out what it was. Sam was cloaked in something that allowed Bobby to see what Sam wanted him to see, but deep down, there was something else there, maybe even growing from within. Dean was worried about Sam's growing darkness and Bobby was too. He had no answers for either of them. He just had to hope they would find them before something else did.
"Storm's coming and you boys, your daddy, you are smack in the middle of it."
Bobby recalled when he had told them that. The storm was now something much bigger, stronger, scarier and it had already claimed their father. He worried that it would claim many more lives before it had finished passing through, maybe even his own, but he didn't fear his own death. He had been ready for that for a long time.
He had to hope that Sam and Dean would survive whatever they were going through now because if they couldn't before they could stop Hell on Earth, Bobby would rather be dead than see the men he considered like sons take each other's lives. That, for him, would be worse than death, maybe even worse than Hell on Earth.
FIN. Hope you liked it. Thanks for reading and review are always appreciated.