A Belated Confession
By Timble
Chiaki ran as fast as his feet could carry him towards his car. He had immediately adjourned rehearsals as soon as Kuroki pulled him aside to tell him that Nodame was finally back in the apartment, and Tanya, in multiple failed attempts to call him and Chiaki on their mobile phones, had ended up leaving him a text message asking if he could persuade Chiaki to come over right away. It was obvious that Nodame's sudden disappearance had left everyone teetering on the edges of absolute distress—Stresseman and Chiaki most especially, though perhaps, the student felt a greater sense of helplessness over the whole situation compared to his mentor. The look on Nodame's face after he had, in essence, rejected her proposal that fateful morning had never left him since the moment he was first confronted with it. Hers was a look that promised things would never be the same, for better or for worse, the moment they saw each other again.
Chiaki stepped on the gas pedal and drove as fast as he could, exploiting the speed limit as much as possible while still just avoiding explicit arrest. He needed to get to the apartment right away. He was already beside himself with worry, as what Jean and Vieira-sensei had witnessed and gossiped about at Vienna. He needed to satiate that nagging desire to find out whether she was all right and if nothing wrong had happened to her. Tanya's urgency had alarmed him, to say the least, and he couldn't help but think up a multitude of situations gone wrong where Nodame would've ended up hurt, ailing, or broken. He felt a sharp pang of guilt when it suddenly crossed his mind how his actions alone would already have caused enough pain for her to bear.
Perhaps, that was why she was able to render such an irreverent yet illuminating Chopin that night at London with Stresseman. And he, of all people, could begin to fathom the depths of the feelings that had compelled her to perform so vulnerably for all the world to admire and worship. He was Chiaki Shinichi after all—the man who had spent his past four years with the woman the entire classical world was now heralding as the newest, most promising sensation in recent history. He was Chiaki Shinichi after all—the very man who had also spent the past four years nurturing growing feelings for the woman who was everything he wasn't while driving her away with his callousness.
Chiaki finally arrived in the courtyard of the apartment, parking carelessly and breaking off into a run. His footsteps were resounding in the building's halls, immediately alerting the concerned group of Tanya, Frank and Yun Long, forlornly positioned outside the door of Nodame's room. He felt another pang of pain surge through his heart when he realized that it was the door to Nodame's room that they were poring over—not his room she had moved into when he moved out—with Tanya trying her best to coax the twenty-four year old to join them for some snacks. Yun Long was the first to notice him; his face was grim, and his posture was tense. He didn't say anything when Chiaki finally approached them and fished a key out of his pocket. They all moved away upon seeing this, but before he could slip the key into its lock, Tanya placed her hand on his shoulder.
"I don't know what happened, Chiaki, but the moment she arrived, she locked herself up in her room and just wouldn't come out," she explained. "It's been three hours since. Frank saw her climbing up the stairs as he was on his way down for some food, and when he called her to ask how she has been, she simply looked at him and went inside. She hasn't been answering any of our calls either."
"Her cellphone is probably still with Elise," Chiaki offered, thinking about the call the older woman had given him a couple of days back. Recalling her imitation of Nodame's voice made him cringe in distaste, but he really didn't have time to dwell on those thoughts with the matter at hand.
"Chiaki, talk to us once you've talked to her," Frank added. "We'd like to know how she's doing as well. It's been a long week for all of us."
Chiaki nodded and opened the door just as the three stepped away. He peered into the room, gradually adjusting his eyes to the dimness for Nodame had drawn all her curtains. It was still a mess—old laundry, candy wrappers, sheets of scratch paper, random objects and other kinds of filth were littered across the floor—but he paid no heed as he gazed searchingly all over the room for any sign of where she could be. He went inside the room further and found her, in the thin ray of sunlight that escaped through the curtains, unpacking the contents of her suitcase onto the bed.
"Nodame," he breathed, unsure of what actually to say.
She didn't look up. She simply paused, hand suspended in the middle of her movements to reach for another article of clothing. After a few heartbeats, she continued her activity, paying no attention to the man who had just called her name.
Chiaki Shinichi was flustered at her blatant disregard of him. This was different from the night that she had told Oliver that she didn't want to see him; this time, she was refusing to acknowledge his presence. He was stunned, for never in his life had he received such treatment from her. And here she was, acting as if nothing had happened, acting as if he, the man she used to proclaim to be her boyfriend, husband and lover to all who would hear, did not exist.
He tried calling her name again, and all the while, dread began to creep into his being. Seeing that she was still failing to respond, he started to consider more desperate measures, when she cleared her throat and spoke quite hoarsely.
"Good afternoon, senpai. I'm sorry I wasn't able to clean up the mess I left in your apartment; Nodame didn't expect to go to London anyway. But Nodame will do so as soon as she finishes with this," she spoke coolly, in a voice that Chiaki didn't recognize. Usually, when she addressed him, her timbre was warm, pleased, joyous, excited, elated—a plethora of emotions, all expressing her happiness to see him and be with him. Now, his heart clenched painfully, she sounded like he was the last person on earth she had wanted to see.
"It's okay. I really wasn't expecting you to clean anyway," he managed to reply, only to realize how horribly inappropriate it was for their current predicament. She seemed to agree with his sentiments as she had visibly tensed at the remark, and Chiaki found himself wanting to slap himself silly over his own idiocy.
"Nodame shall do so as soon as she is finished with this," came her curt response. And she returned to her task with unwavering concentration.
Without much thought, Chiaki finally managed to ask the question he and so many others had been longing to ask her," Nodame, where have you been?"
"Egypt," she simply said.
He was taken aback.
"Egypt?"
She nodded impatiently.
"W-what were you doing there?"
"Nodame wanted to think."
"Think about what?"
"What am I here for, what I wanted to do in life."
Chiaki was flabbergasted.
"After the success of your London concert, you're still not sure about what you want to do in your life?"
Nodame nodded, not bothering to explain herself. She pursed her lips in mild annoyance, indicating that this was something that she would rather not talk about with him. But Chiaki, oblivious to this, pressed on.
"Why are you still thinking about that? Don't you want to perform and play better music? Don't you want to tour the world and show everyone how good you are?"
She simply shook her head, continuing to occupy herself with the task of unpacking her suitcase. She seemed to be buying her time as well, as she took out the pieces one by one and folding them with uncharacteristic carefulness. Chiaki wondered why she didn't normally do it this way.
"Elise had told me that you told her you couldn't play the piano anymore," he confronted, challenging her to refute the statement. He couldn't believe his ears the moment he had heard that. Nodame not playing? Why? And how on earth would he live without being able to hear her music once again?
"I couldn't play the piano the way she wanted me to anymore," she replied, placing both of her palms flat against the neatly folded pile of clothing to the side of her suitcase. "I can't perform the way I did at London ever again."
"But why?" he asked, somewhat brokenly. That performance, he knew, was probably the best that she had delivered so far. And if she couldn't do something like that anymore, did that mean she was giving up?
She turned to face him, her eyes glittering fiercely with determination and unshed tears. This was a look similar to the one she had given him the morning she had proposed, and yet different in the quiet assuredness it now projected. She looked him straight into his eyes as she said, "Each time I play, it can't be because of you, Senpai. It can't be because of you. My goals with music cannot simply be to play a concerto with you, or be known as the other half of the Golden Pair. I can't go through the rest of school or the rest of my life simply because I wanted to be with you."
Chiaki was stunned with the implications of this admission, the weight of her words falling over and around him like the weight of conducting three orchestras all at the same time. She was rejecting him, pushing him away. She was essentially saying that she had no place in his life, and consequently, he had no place in hers as well.
"Nodame, what do you mean?" he croaked.
She sighed and smiled bitterly at this, turning once more to the clothes she was unpacking.
"Senpai does not need to take care of Nodame anymore. She will be fine. She will go out on her own and face the music, just like what Milch told her to do before he left Japan. She will carve out her own path, finally join competitions, and play in more salon recitals. She won't knock on your door anymore to ask for food, put Puri Gorota rubber figures on your baton, set your kitchen on fire, or mess up your couch. She won't be a burden to you anymore, Senpai, and definitely won't embarrass you anymore by calling you 'husband' or 'boyfriend'. It's what Senpai wants, and Nodame finally understands."
She couldn't have been further from the truth, but Chiaki was once more paralyzed by fear. He wanted to prove her wrong so badly, shout at her for spouting lies and misinterpretations, hit her over the head for thinking in such a convoluted manner, but all he could do was grab her hand, pull her to him, and embrace her ever so tightly.
She was motionless under his touch, even as he cupped his hands around her face after finally letting go so many moments afterwards. He shook his head vigorously as if trying to make her understand that everything she had said was wrong, his nose gently brushing against hers. But he couldn't say the words out loud. He cursed himself at his inability to do so, even as Nodame gently pried his hands away from her face and fastened them to his sides.
"You don't have to do that too anymore, Senpai," was her quiet statement, the tone of her voice as chilling as the coldness of her hands.
"Nodame, you don't understand—"
"I do, Senpai. Nodame understands it very clearly now. You don't want to be with me, and I shouldn't insist on it anymore. No amount of running after you will ever change that."
"But Nodame, that's not how I feel. You got me wrong."
"Shinichi-kun," she began in a compelling tone that had him both captivated and rooted to his spot with dread. "It is as clear as day. You didn't answer when I asked if you loved me that night after your performance."
He immediately knew that she was pertaining to his concerto with Son Rui and the Wiltord Orchestra, that night when he found her inside his apartment waiting like a diligent wife who was to congratulate her husband over a successful performance. And he indeed remembered that he had remained silent despite her question, choosing instead to lean into her embrace.
"And you also ignored me when I asked if you will…"
His heart began to plummet towards his stomach as he understood her meaning.
"When I asked if y-you could…"
She was faltering, and her tears were beginning to fall. She suddenly turned around and proceeded to stomp out of the apartment when Chiaki caught her arm and stopped her.
"Nodame, at that time, I was shocked—"
"Shocked about my feelings, Senpai? I admit, the marriage proposal was a little surprising, but…" she faltered, pursing her lips at the last few words. Almost instantaneously, her expression changed from grim to cheery affectation, beaming up at him in what he could never mistake to be a painful, forced smile.
"It's alright. Nodame understands."
This wasn't definitely how Chiaki Shinichi had planned their first meeting in a long time to pan out. He had wanted to ask her how she had been, if she was hurt, why she had suddenly disappeared on all of them. He had planned on embracing her tightly and scolding her gently for making them worry, for making him worry, and kissing her fondly to remind himself that she was back, that she was real. Then she would smile, wrap her arms around him and say that she was sorry, but she was alive and well anyway, and she wouldn't do something like that ever again. And in turn he would smile, kiss her again, and embrace her again, while offering to take her out to snacks or dinner, whichever time she started feeling hungry.
But things didn't happen the way he had envisioned them to be. Instead, he was faced with a woman he barely recognized as the weird, fiery and oftentimes muddled pianist hell bent on staying with him for the rest of her life. This woman in front of him now was the entire opposite of what he had grown accustomed to, expected and appreciated—a woman he had shunned and whose feelings he had horridly taken for granted.
In the brokenness of both their spirits, he finally understood the gravity of the sins he had committed against Noda Megumi, the woman his mother called his angel. He realized, much, much belatedly, that it was quite possible she had already given up on him.
No, she couldn't have.
In sheer desperation, he brought his hands to her face once more and captured her lips with his, trying to convey wordlessly the depth of his emotions for her and how much he utterly regretted having done to her what he had. But Nodame was pulling away—he tightened his hold, refusing to let her go, until she practically pushed him from her and tore herself away from him.
"Shinichi-kun, please," she breathed—face flushed, eyes flaring, and lips pursed in a grim line.
"Nodame," he whispered brokenly, hoping against hope that it wasn't what he thought it meant.
"You can't just do that to Nodame anymore," she whispered, stepping back. "That's no longer enough."
And in one swift movement, she moved and stepped outside of her room, the door shutting deafeningly in her wake. And it was at that moment that he finally understood what it was that he was supposed to have said the moment he stepped into her door and found her unpacking her luggage, even before he should have asked her where she had gone, why she had left, and how she was feeling.
"Nodame, I love you."
Author's Notes:
This is my take on the sins of Chiaki Shinichi, who I was absolutely, positively cringing in utter distaste for in Chapter 123 of the manga where he committed two mortal sins against Nodame. I sympathize greatly with the woman, and with her current state, I feel that Chiaki has very little option left but to finally say his true feelings out loud, or else Nodame will be lost to him forever. Sigh. I earnestly hope that all turns out for the best with the later chapters of the manga. *crosses fingers*