Pros & Cons

By Asynca, who is taking brief interlude from the ANGST and DRAMA.

Okay, so I wrote a list.

Lara's always on my back about writing everything down and not forgetting important stuff, yadda yadda, so I thought I'd torture myself by finally taking her advice. I even downloaded this awesome app called The List that looks like a little notebook with Pros on one side and Cons on the other. Actually I kind of spent like twenty minutes playing with the different themes and not actually writing a list but whatever, there's no rush, right? I've been totally into her for two full years, twenty more minutes won't make any difference.

When I finally got around to actually using the app for its intended purpose, I was stuck on the Tube on the way back from class. There'd been some accident and the train was just standing there between two stations with absolutely no data reception. It was so long that complete strangers were actually starting to talk to each other. In London.

So I sat with my back to the wall and took my app out, thumbing, 'Reasons Why I Should Tell Lara I'm in Love with Her'. I made a face at the screen: that header totally sounded like some tragic teenage love story. It wasn't even something I'd just say like that, anyway. I deleted it and then typed, 'Reasons Why I Should Tell Lara I'm Into Her'. Better, I decided, but now it was like some Hollywood rom com. At least that was one up on 'tragic teenage love story', though, so it would have to do. It wasn't like I was being graded on this or anything, anyway.

The first one in the 'Pros' was obviously that I could stop nearly giving myself a brain aneurism whenever she inadvertently touched me. If I told her, she'd either turn me down and then I'd know to hang myself get over her, or she'd be up for it and then we'd get it on and I wouldn't have to just imagine it anymore. Secondly was that there was the slim possibility she'd be up for it and then eventually after a few years we could make out. Well… hopefully more than that but Lara was one of those Not On The First Date people. Or, actually she was more like, Not In The First Six Months. At least she was with the last guy she dated. All that waiting she did just made me hope it was because she wasn't really into him. She wasn't, but not for the reasons I'd hoped.

At that second, some huge guy sat down next to me at an angle where he could see my screen. I quickly shifted so he couldn't. He gave me this look that basically suggested he thought he knew what I was looking at. It was gross.

"It's not porn, okay?" I told him. "If it was porn I'd be looking a lot less stressed out, trust me."

He just stared. The look on his face, I swear. "Okay…" he said, and then pretended to be very interested in his iPod.

Anyway, back to my list.

Other pros included the possibility that we could move in together and it wouldn't take me a hour to get to her place, that I could stop going out with random guys I didn't care about, and that Mom would stop constantly asking me about my love life. She was a bit weird about girl-on-girl stuff.

I supposed I should also put 'We hook up and live happily ever after' there, too. It was one of those things that you always secretly want but that never happen. I didn't put it there, though, because I didn't want to be too unrealistic.

Okay, so, cons…

Well, number one was 'Lara isn't into it', which leads to, 'Lara is awkward about the whole thing', 'Lara never looks at me the same way again' and 'our friendship is ruined forever.'

I put my cell in my lap and stared across at my reflection in the window on the other side of the carriage. Okay, those were some serious cons. Like, serious. I mean, it wasn't like I didn't have heaps of other friends but I wasn't that close to any of them. Not close like Lara and I were, anyway. Lara and I had been friends since I was fifteen and had one foot in juvie. In fact, I probably would have ended up in there if it weren't for her.

I closed my eyes and exhaled. Fuck. What would my life be like if it did affect our friendship? She was involved with every tiny little part of my life. She helped me choose my bed sheets for crying out loud. Actually, I managed to get her to sleep next to me in them as a result. But, anyway, if she suddenly disappeared, where the hell did that leave me? You could make a goddamn A-class sob-story out of the result. If it was a movie, the entire audience would be bawling their eyes out right there in the cinema.

All these completely pathetic ideas started surfacing in my brain and before I knew it, I was furtively trying to blot my eyes on my sleeves.

I'd kind of expected this whole list thing to be fun, but it was way too intense. Normally I was only this bleak two days before I was due, and then I'd be a sobbing wreck because I burnt the last slice of toast. It wasn't even over important stuff like this.

I noticed this cocky-looking guy grinning at me over the back of the seat. When he saw me looking at him he said, "Pretty sure that's not porn, but you look like you could use probably use some." He then waggled his eyebrows at me.

I gave him this completely disgusted look. "You did not just say that to a girl who has tears running down her cheeks. Real smooth."

He shrugged. "When opportunity knocks—"

I interrupted him. "—It is so not knocking for you right now." I caught a sign slide past the window and stood up, tucking my cell into my pocket. "And here's my stop. Thank God." He had the audacity to give me this wide grin as I got off the train and then actually continued grinning at me as the train left.

Sometimes lesbianism just seemed like such a good idea, seriously. I retrieved my cell and jotted that down in the Pro column.

I'd totally forgotten Lara had said she'd be over at my apartment that evening, so when I put my key into the lock and the door opened before I'd even turned it, all my tragic misery disappeared.

"Hey," Lara said, smiling and me and turning around to head back down the corridor. She was just wearing her pajama pants and they were so old they were basically transparent. Underneath she was wearing a pair of basic black panties. She was speaking to me over her shoulder. "You look like you've had terrible day. Would something delicious sort you out, you think?"

Something delicious? Get a grip, Sam.

As I hung up my jacket and my handbag, I noticed there was this awesome smell drifting from inside. "Whoa, did you actually cook something?"

She laughed once as she went into the kitchen. "No," she said, "but there's a new pizza shop that's opened across the road from my flat. I picked one up on the way here." She walked out of the kitchen with the box open to a magnificent super supreme with extra cheese.

"I'm not even joking," I said, and I wasn't. "I would totally marry you right now if you asked."

She laughed again. "It's a deal," she said. "I want to live somewhere that has water pressure. I practically have to drive all the way across London to your house so I can get the shampoo out of my hair. Here." She walked up to me and let me take a slice out of the box.

I took a bite, and discovered another Pro: a long and beautiful life where I get amazing pizza bought and delivered to me.

We wandered through to the living room, and Lara took a slice for herself and discarded the box on the coffee table as we slumped on the couch. When she'd finished her mouthful, she said, "I gather you didn't finish your submission?"

I was confused. "Actually, I did, and it turned out pretty good. What made you think I hadn't?"

She shrugged. "You looked so completely glum when I opened the door. The only things that ever get to you are your projects or your parents, and I know your Dad's at a conference and your Mum's in Brazil on that spiritual spa-retreat thing."

"I guess I'm more sensitive that you think," I said, trying to sound like I was joking.

She bought it, and grinned. "You were probably just hungry for this amazing pizza," she said. "Would you like a drink? They gave us some free purple Fantas. I put them in the fridge."

I was closer to the door than she was. "I'll get them," I said, standing up and heading into the kitchen.

My kitchen had spontaneously cleaned itself again; all the dishes were washed, even the brand new ones I had hardly used. There was a post-it on the cupboard where I kept them, too. I couldn't read it from the fridge, so I walked up to it. It was a picture of one of my new little dishes with a manga-style face saying, "I'm too young to be this dirty!" I snorted. Lara. This was such a Pro.

I had to take a photo of it.

I rushed back out into the living with a big grin on my face. Lara was on the couch, looking down at something. "Nice one, Lara," I said, as she looked up at me. "I know I should clean them more…" The words died on my lips as I realized she had my cell in her hands.

My heart practically fucking stopped. The list! "What are you—"

She looked absolutely stunned as she hurriedly tried to explain, "You said your new video looked good, so I thought I'd go to your Cloud…"

She wasn't watching my submission, though, because I saw The List app open. Of course it had put itself on my landing screen and Lara being Lara had thought she'd be smug and catch me secretly following her advice and writing To Do lists.

Holy fucking God. My life was over. "Lara, I…"

Her jaw was actually open. She looked down at the screen and then back up at me. "Sam, is this…" She paused. "This isn't a joke, is it?"

I swallowed. "So, like, I don't suppose you'd give me a few minutes to review that list before I answer the question, would you?"

Mutely, she typed something on my cell and then passed it to me saying, "Go for it." I could hardly breathe. "But before you do I just thought I should point something out."

I just stood there. "Yeah?"

"You were missing a potential outcome from the 'Pros' column."

I looked from her to the screen.

Typed underneath my last entry was a new one. I had to read it twice to make sure I'd got it right, and that it was actually real.

'Lara is completely into it and jumps me right there on the spot before she can talk herself out of it again'.