A/N: So we finally saw what Sam was up to! How awesome was the scene where he summoned the CRD…gosh…Jared was amazing! And that was the best flashback out of the whole lot. The rest were good but to me it seemed as though we were getting what 'Sam and Ruby' did (I'm not referring to that scene lol) as opposed to what Sam did and I wanted to see more of Sam alone before Ruby came along! So that's how this came about…I wasn't going to post it because I couldn't think of a title (lame, I know!) but eventually I came up with one and here it is….and thank you Soncnica for helping me make this readable! xx
Sam threw down the keys as he stumbled into the motel room. He wondered how he'd been able to make it here in one piece. He could barely remember driving back here. But he was beyond noticing or caring about what he did. He took a long swig from a bottle of whisky grimacing as he swallowed and took another long swig. But it didn't matter how much he drank, how many bottles he went through. The pain was still there, slashing and burning like wounds that would never heal; it felt like something had been ripped from inside him.
He'd watched his brother die…he'd buried him knowing that it should have been him six feet under, not Dean. He stood in the centre of the room, a broken and dejected air around him. So many emotions had passed through him since the clock had struck midnight that night. He could still hear the chimes and how they interlocked with Dean's cries of pain and he couldn't shut it out. Tears had begun to form now and one escaped...slowly. I couldn't save him,Sam thought, It's my fault he's gone.He took another swig from the bottle; it was supposed to numb the pain, it was supposed to make him feel better. But the more he drank, the more it hurt. He couldn't run from the pain…it would always find him and deepen the hollow scar caused by Dean's death.
Something inside Sam flipped and he hurled the bottle across the room and glass shattered everywhere. He could hear Dean's cries. He could still smell the blood…he could still seeit. The image of Dean's bright, red blood vivid in his mind. He could see the distant look in Dean's eyes. The look that told him that his brother was gone He trembled as anger, guilt and pain went through him. Anger prevailed and he ran an arm across the table, which had been littered with several empty bottles. Glass sprinkled every where as the bottle hit the ground. He pushed the table over and began to strike it violently until his hands were bruised and bloody. He smashed everything in sight, anything he could destroy; the way the hell hounds had destroyed Dean. The way the pain was destroying him and eating away at his insides. Hounding him and pushing him over the edge. It was almost as if the room represented his world, he wanted everything to break. He wanted it all to stop; he wanted the pain to go away. But most of all - he wanted his brother back.
Finally he stopped and broke down, his anger had gone for now. All that remained was the pain and anguish of losing Dean. Sam sat down on the floor amongst the rubble and began to sob uncontrollably as the tears escaped once more. He needed Dean here, he needed his brother back. But Dean wasn't here and it was because of him. Dad saved Dean and Dean saved him, now it was his turn. I have to save him, I don't care what it takes…I'm going to bring Dean back.