Author's Note: Not so sure about that title though...
At this point, I'm not even sure of what I'm saying. Somehow I wind up punching my best friend in the nose. Three times. I hate him. I hate him for being so charming that I didn't say, "to hell with you," and walk away. I hate him for having such a nice flat that I didn't turn around when I first saw it. I hate him for being so interesting that I didn't call him a freak and leave like everyone else. I hate him for making me fall in love and giving me hope that maybe someday we could be more. I hate him for saying he was a fake and that nothing was real. I hate him for jumping and leaving me alone. I hate him for making me wait two years for him to come back. I hate him for making me do things I would never have thought of doing before. I hate him for making me feel like I couldn't go on. I hate him for all these scars on my wrists and my neck. I hate him for expecting me to embrace him and tell him it's going to be okay.
I hate him so much and everything he's done but as I look at him now and he says he's sorry, he lets down that wall he built years ago to hide his feelings, to diminish all emotions, so that one might believe he has none. As I show him my wrists and take the scarf from my neck, I see what he really feels and it's a reflection of me. All the pain I've endured for the past two years. The sorrow, the heartbreak, the grief, all of my suffering. I see it in his eyes.
"I did this because of you!" I screamed, tears flowing down my face.
He starts to take off his shirt and as it hits the floor, I see scars all over him, some of which are still fresh. It would take years of torture for it to get this bad.
"I did this for you, John."
I shake my head and take a deep breath. "I hate you."
"I know," he says as he nods. "I'm sorry."
"Not sorry enough."
He looks down at the floor and a tear falls on his cheek. I watch it go to his jaw and fall to the carpet. I sigh and grab his face, making him look at me.
"If you ever do anything like this again, I will kill you."
He nods and looks away. His eyes seem even more blue now. I lean in to kiss him gently and I can almost hear his heart pounding.
"I hate you," I whisper.
"I know."