I still notice the stares, the quick glances, and the whispering behind my back, but I've only been doing it for a week. I've been trying to lose weight. I'm fifteen, and I'm well over two hundred pounds. I need to lose weight. My goal is one hundred thirty, and I'm determined to get there.
A week ago, I set up plans to lose weight. I would fast one day a week, eat as less, and exercise more. I've only been doing it a week, so I've only lost a little weight so far. But I will lose more. I have to lose weight, or else I won't be accepted.
And I am desperate to be accepted. I was accepted until sixth grade, when all the homework and stress got to me, and I went to comfort food. I gained weight steadily, and then I got to this point. The point where people call me names, tell me I'm fat, tell me I'm ugly. People make jokes behind my back because of my weight. I want to be accepted again, and I want to be popular.
o.0
It's been a month now, and I've lost eight pounds. I'm not anywhere near my goal weight, but eight pounds is an improvement. People are starting to notice that I'm losing weight, and sometimes, I'm proud of it, sometimes I'm embarrassed. Just yesterday, a boy was really mean to me, one of the more popular ones.
"Hey Josie, are you trying to lose weight? I can't tell, but if you are, good luck! It would be easier for you to just become an elephant. Or maybe a pig," he'd said, "Oink, oink. You sure look like one already! You should just give up."
Give up. Those two words have been running around in my head recently, give up, give up already. You can't do this.
But I fight those words. I don't want to give up, I want to lose more weight. I still have another twenty two pounds to lose before I reach my goal weight.
o.0
People have really started to notice now. I'm down to one hundred and ninety-five pounds, just two months after I started. I don't like how I look yet, but I think I look better. It's taking a lot of effort to not break down and pig out, but I don't want to be a pig. I don't want to look like a pig, I don't want to be teased about being a pig.
Hopefully, when I reach my goal, I won't look as much like a pig as I do now. I know that I've improved, but I'm not at my goal yet. I have to reach my goal. I must, I need to be included again. I don't want to be an outcast anymore. I want to be popular.
I need to be skinny.
o.0
I'm getting closer to my goal weight. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting close. I'm at one hundred eighty four now. I need to lose four more pounds. Just four more.
I've been working out more and trying to eat even less than before. I want to lose the weight as quickly as I can. People aren't bugging me as much about being overweight at I used to, but I still feel really fat. I'm thinking of lowering my goal weight to one twenty.
Lowering my goal to one hundred and twenty pounds would mean that I have to lose fourteen pounds, but if that's what it takes to be skinny, I'm willing to do it.
o.0
It's been nearly four months by now, and people are actually starting to invite me to things. I'm at a more normal weight now, One hundred and sixty-two pounds.
But when I look in the mirror, I still look fairly fat. I'm setting my goal weight at one hundred and twenty pounds. I want to be popular, and so I need to be skinny.
I really want to be popular again. I want my life to be the same as it was in the good days, back in elementary school, when I had tons of friends. I used to live the sweet life.
I lost it all because I gained enough weight.
I'll gain it all back once I lose enough weight.
o.0
After five months of dieting, I'm at one thirty. I'm happier with my weight, but I'm still not happy enough. I want to be one hundred ten now. That's my new goal. I want to be like the most popular girls in school. I want to be skinny.
When I look in the mirror now, I still look too fat. I do have stretch marks, but I still need to lose weight. I need to be skinny in order to be pretty. And I need to be pretty in order to be popular. So I'm going to lose at least twenty more pounds.
o.0
I look in the mirror, and what do I see? Too much fat on my whole body.
I still look to big in the mirror. My reflection seems huge, fat. I still need to lose weight, even after dieting myself down to a weight of one hundred and six pounds.
My friends all say that I look great, but I still need to lose more weight. I can't afford to have so much fat hanging off of my face and arms.
I need to look like the populars. My new goal is now what a typical popular girl weighs: ninety five pounds.
o.0
My mom's really worried about me now. I'm only one hundred and five pounds. I'm not eating. I'm tired all the time, and my grades, which used to stay as A's and B's are now dropping to C's and D's.
I think that's great. All the populars have bad grades. Since I'm aiming to be popular again, why shouldn't I?
My mom told me that I have a Doctor's appointment soon to see what's wrong with me. But I have nothing wrong with me. I just want to lose ten more pounds and become popular. Is that really such a big deal?
o.0
The Doctor said that I have anorexia, which is an emotional disorder that tends to make people obsessive over losing weight by refusing to eat. What a bunch of nonsense! Just because I want to become popular, I supposedly am anorexic? Sure.
Either way, my mom told me that if I don't start eating enough of the right foods, she would force me to eat. She is SO unfair!
o.0
I met my goal weight! Now I am actually ninety-three pounds, two pounds under my goal weight. I'm back into the double digits! I am so happy all the time, but my mom's worried sick. She thinks that if I keep this up, I'm going to die.
I don't believe her. But just to make fun of all of the people who used to make fun of me for being obese, I'm going to get my weight down into the eighties. That'll show them!
They'll be amazed.
I'll be so popular.
I will be so pretty.
o.0
Today, I fainted at school. I hadn't eaten in a couple of days, and my mom had to come and pick me up. She said that I won't be able to go to school until I reach at least a hundred pounds, and that I won't be able to look in the mirror or use our scale. She says it's for my safety.
I'm just angry. I don't see why she's being so unfair! I just want to show the populars that I'm capable of being skinny!
o.0
My mom still won't let me use the scale, even though I've gone on a strike. I'm not going to eat or drink until she starts being fair.
o.0
I had to go to the hospital today. I'm so underweight that apparently I could die. I don't believe them. I'm perfect the way I am! Mom always told me that when I was obese. Why is she going back on her words now?
Anyway, I'm supposed to be hooked up to a machine that will keep me healthy. But I hate the doctors, so I pulled the needle out.
The doctors got really angry.
I didn't care.
o.0
I pulled the needle out again today. I'm perfectly fine. I don't need help! The good news is that the doctors didn't come back in.
The bad news is that I'm not sure if I exist anymore.