About six years ago, in a galaxy close, close by…

SUPER MARIO GALAXY: THE TRUE STORY PART I

It is a period of civil war. Gannon and his minions have seized the island of Koridia! But that's not what our story is about. No, our story is about a much more grave and important issue. The heroic hero Mario, accompanied by his brother Luigi, had defeated the dark lord king Bowser on multiple occasions, thereby thwarting his plans to conquer all life in the Mushroom Kingdom. Frustrated with his losses, the Koopa king has created a new diabolical plan; to create his own GALAXY REACTOR, a new galaxy in the center of the universe, which possesses enough power to destroy an entire hotel.

Constantly stalked by Bowser, the oblivious Princess Peach prepares for her party, which celebrates the cosmic phenomenon, the Comet Festival, which occurs only once every hundred years. Invited to the party is the galaxy's greatest hero, Super Mario. The fate of the galaxy depends solely on him…

*Camera pans down towards the earth*

It was about two o' clock in the morning as Mario slept in his one-room shack, which he was forced to live in thanks to Luigi, who had destroyed his house some time ago. He was having nightmares about his most recent misfortune which resulted in his vacation being completely ruined. Suddenly he was snapped awake by the abrupt sound of his door flying open and Luigi running inside.

"Mario! Mario Mario!" Luigi shrieked, immediately shaking any remaining calmness out of Mario, "I just saw a bunch of yellow letters flying through the sky. And they said words! Words, Mario! But they were too far away, and I couldn't see what the words were saying!"

"Luigi, it's two in the morning; I'm trying to sleep. I told you to stop eating the purple mushrooms. They mess with your already feeble mind." Mario responded in a somber, scratchy tone.

"Can I sleep with you?" Luigi asked, already forgetting about the subject at hand.

"No!" Mario snapped, "You have a huge mansion all to yourself! Go sleep there!"

"But Mario, there might be g-g-g-ghosts in there!"

"Get out!" Mario shouted, which startled Luigi, who proceeded to jump out the window, causing it to shatter. Cold wind blew into the room as Mario tried to bundle up. "God dammit…" He muttered.

Mario managed to fall into a near-sleeplike state. He pondered trivial things like where exactly the Mushroom Kingdom is in relation to Earth, or why there are never any black people around. He was just about to doze off all the way when his peace was interrupted yet again.

"Mario! Mario! Mario!" Mario's eyes shot open as the voice grew closer and closer. Luigi collided with the door, which flew off its hinges and landed right on top of Mario. Luigi relentlessly clung to the door as he frantically cried "Mario! I just saw a giant flaming ball in the sky! And it's headed right for the castle!"

"Get off!" Mario screamed from underneath the door. Mario kicked the door, prompting it, along with Luigi, to go flying back and become lodged diagonally in the doorway.

"Crap!" Mario muttered as he realized that the way out was blocked. He had no choice but to jump out the window, which he did. He landed on the grass and brushed broken glass off of his body. Now both of his windows were left shattered.

"Hahaha! You could have went out of the one I already broke, dumbass!" quipped Luigi. Mario stormed off toward Luigi's mansion to spend the night.

"Hey Mario, aren't you forgetting something?" Luigi insinuated. Mario hurled a fireball back into the shed, leaving a small flame inside. "Oh, I get it, Mario. You act like you're leaving me so I say 'Oh, I'm so sorry Mario, please come back and save me' and make me promise not to bother you again, right Mario?"

The flame began spreading.

"Uh… Mario? ... Mario!" Luigi called to no avail, "Maaaariooooo!"

Mario walked slowly away from the soon to be burnt shack and made his way towards his brother's enormous house, which had been acquired by happenstance.

"Letters in the sky? A giant flaming ball? Where does that idiot get – Oh No!" Mario looked up to see that there was indeed a massive comet in the sky that night, which reminded him of something: "Peach is having that comet party tonight!"

And so Mario took off, running like an airplane (literally) towards Princess Peach's castle. Sleep would have to wait. Mario arrived just as the party got into motion. The night was lovely and the plaza around the castle was decorated with beautiful lanterns and banners. He was lucky, although a bit confused that the Princess decided to start the festivity at two in the morning.

"Yo! Mario!" called a familiar jiving voice. Mario turned to see the closest thing to a black person the Mushroom Kingdom had to offer; the ghetto-ass fungus man known as Big Pop Daddy King Toad.

"Oh, Hey Big Pop Daddy King Toad, how have you been?"

"Man, I'm bangin' as fuck, yo. And don't tell no one, but I think you gonna be bangin' tonight too, if you know what I mean." Big Pop Daddy King toad gave Mario a nudge and a wink.

"Um…"

"I'm talkin' 'bout the Princess, man. She's been talkin' 'bout you all day. She say she got something special for you at the castle."

"Oh!" Mario ejaculated (and by that I mean exclaimed, not jizzed. That comes later, maybe), "But how do you know she's talking about that?"

"She called the Lakitu brothers and they bringin' their cameras over. I'm tellin' you, man, she wants to make a porno!"

"But I don't know Big Pop Daddy King Toad; I'm kind of nervous about the whole filming thing. What happens if it leaks onto the internet? What if my parents see? My mother's a porn addict you know, she's bound to run into it!"

"Bro, chill out. Have a few drinks, listen to the music, and calm your nerves. Head to the castle when you're ready. Take it from me; I've done over a hundred adult films. I got a closet full of dick-shaped trophies to prove it."

"Okay, Big Pop Daddy King Toad, I guess I'll take your advice."

So Mario took Big Pop Daddy King Toad's advice. He bounced around, mingled, had a few drinks, laughed at the Toads getting barraged by comet crystals, and danced to the orchestrated music. Soon, Mario was ready to go to the castle. But then something bad happened.

Mario's shoe was untied. Of course, Mario, knowing his luck, tripped and planted his face into the ground like a sapling before he could successfully take a step. Mario managed to contain his frustration and bent over to tie his laces. Then he looked up.

"No God! No God, please no! NO! NOOOOO!" Mario roared into the high heavens. For right above the castle hovered a metallic flying disc. Approaching on the horizon were some familiar looking wooden ships. Mario knew immediately that Bowser was behind this.

"I swear to God, Bowser, when I catch you, I am going to shove a Bob-omb up your ass!" Mario proclaimed as he ran towards the castle. He saw the Princess standing out on the balcony looking up at the UFO.

"Peach, get out of there," Mario warned, "stop staring at that thing!"

"But it's so... shiny…" Peach responded, fascinated by the thing's glossy exterior.

Mario reached the castle doors right on time for the flying saucer to cast down its beam and tear the castle off its foundation. The saucer brought the castle, along with Mario, the Princess, and a number of Toads, up towards outer space. Mario saw the Princess, still mesmerized by the glorious shine of the mysterious extraterrestrial vehicle.

"Peach!" He cried.

"Oh! Mario, I have something for you!" said the Princess as her attention finally turned to Mario.

"That's going to have to wait!" Mario said.

One of the flying ships arrived at the location and set itself level with the castle. Its bow was now right in front of Princess Peach's face and right above Mario.

"Roll down my window!" Commanded a monstrous voice. A hatch opened and a platform rose up. On top of the platform was none other than Bowser himself!

"Hello, Princess. I hereby invite you to the creation of my very own galaxy at the center of the universe! And you, my dear, will have the great honor of being the head stripper at the Bowser Galaxy Strip Club!" said Bowser in his ever-cunning tone.

"Don't you go near her, Bowser," Mario yelled, "and I might think about sparing your life!"

"Yo! You! Get the fuck out of my way!" Bowser yelled with his finger pointed at Mario.

One of Bowser's magikoopas flew down and blasted Mario right off the castle grounds, leaving him to slowly drift out into the vast emptiness of space.

"Mario!" shouted the Princess, "Take this!"

The Princess took what looked like a chubby silver star out from under her dress and threw it to Mario. The little star flew towards him and went straight under his hat.

"What is this?" Mario called back.

"It's what I wanted to give you! It's a gift!" Peach answered.

"Wait, so you didn't want to make a porno?" Mario asked. But by that time, Mario's momentum picked up and the Princess could not hear him.