Proof of Love

A tag to Swan Song

As Sam found recognition, hearing his big brother's voice through the pain of possession, beating back Lucifer's control, he finally felt what he should have known all along and should never have questioned. Dean loved him. It's not that he didn't know that, he did, he even understood and scolded Dean for being too devoted, for putting himself too much on the line for him, for his family, but somewhere inside of Sam there was this terrible feeling of not wanting to admit that Dean couldn't possibly love him, not after everything he had done, not just these past few months, but for all the years that had gone by. Just his presence in the Winchester family, their mom's deal or not, had doomed Dean's life. How could anyone love someone who had done that to them?

And because of that doubt, Sam had never truly believed that Dean could really love him. He had caused so much loss for him. Care for him? Sure. Dean was a caring man. Even when he said he didn't care, Sam knew that he did, deeply. Feel responsible? Absolutely. Sam had been placed into his arms to save him from the fire. That had practically anointed him. Act as a big brother should? Totally. Their mother had made sure of that. Took care of him through sickness, injury and even through death? Unquestionably. Dean had been caregiver for both him and their dad. But Sam still thought that Dean didn't do those things for or out of love. Sam had believed Dean was just doing it because he had to, just doing his duty because no one else would. Not their mother, especially not their father, and maybe not even Jess. Sam had always thought that Dean had just felt guilty, had felt sorry for him.

He didn't believe that anymore.

As he clawed his way out of the shadows of Lucifer's possession, he had heard Dean talking to him, not to Lucifer, but to him.

"Sam, it's okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here. I'm never going to leave you. I'm never going to leave you."

Those words, realizing that Dean had never left him behind, had come for him after Detroit when he could have written him off as a lost cause, had made him want to fight harder, to make Lucifer stop wailing on the big brother who had never stopped coming for him. Yes, he may have left once, twice at most, but he had always come back for him, no matter how hurt he had felt or how much Sam had hurt him. Even if it was only to be there to watch him die, Dean had come for him, to be the last thing Sam would see, to be the very last warm and human feeling he would experience. So Sam clawed and clawed, in his own mind, telling Dean that he was coming back for him.

Of course, Dean had loved him. Always had loved him, had never stopped loving him. How could Sam have doubted that? What he had felt was that he didn't deserve Dean's love. He hadn't earned Dean's love. Not by a long shot. He had just taken for granted that Dean would always be there because he had to be, that Dean couldn't walk away from his responsibility no matter how much that responsibility let him down. Sam had pushed him. Harder than he had ever pushed, to as far to the brink than any one person should have been pushed. A couple of times, Sam had thought he had succeeded in pushing Dean away for good, but Dean had proven him wrong every time. He would just lick his wounds and come back.

And now, Sam had to prove to him that he had loved him too. So much so that it hurt him to realize that he would never see his brother again, that the last thing Sam would leave Dean would be an image of him falling into a deep pit. Sam used to have nightmares of Dean being shredded by hell hounds and had resented Dean for dying that way, but he knew that what he was doing now was far worse. Dean wouldn't be coming for him this time. Not that he wouldn't try or didn't want to, but because he had made Dean promise not to, making him promise not to do what was innate in his brother, to keep on coming back for him. It was the worst thing he could have asked of him. It was right up there with asking Dean to kill him if he had ever turned into a monster. Other than killing him, Dean had kept his promises unlike Sam who had broken every one he had made. Sam now realized too late that what he had asked him to do, to live a normal life with Lisa, to not come after him had been the most selfish thing he could have ever have asked him to do, but he had no time to undo it now. He was emerging out of the dark and only had enough time to save Dean and tell him how much he cared.

"It's okay, Dean. It's gonna be okay. I've got him."

There should have been more, but it was all he had time to say. Selfishly again, Sam wanted Dean to know that he didn't have to be disappointed in him anymore, that he had control, that Lucifer would be put back into his cage. Cold comfort for a brother who would have to live the rest of his life knowing he couldn't bring Sam back because he had made a promise.

As he stared at his brother for the last few fleeting moments they had together, saw the terrible beating Dean had withstood, he could only hope that Dean saw everything in his eyes, through his own swollen ones. "I'm sorry. I won't let you down this time. Thanks for everything you did, for coming for me. I love you. " It all had to be there and he hoped that Dean had seen it.

FIN. Just a small inspiration. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!