"Okay, I'll get back to you tomorrow."
Gray sighed and stared at the screen of his phone. Those midnight blue eyes stared back at him and that small cheeky smile gave an impression that it knew more than he did.
Two years had passed since that incident. Two years since Gray collected his pieces and tried to move on. Two years since his nights were sleepless and days dull. Two years since he could easily digest two bottles of whiskey without regret. Two years of regret.
As Gray turned off the lights in his office, his best friend and fellow colleague caught up to him.
"Hey, Lucy wanted to know if you could make it tomorrow." Natsu leaned against the wall as Gray closed his cabin door. The usual loud mouth man stood in silence as he waited for a positive answer.
"I don't know."
"Ezra and Jellal are flying in today. They said they'll be here at around 11. Gajeel called to say that Levy won't be able to make it but he'll obviously be here."
"Hmm, great for them."
Natsu sighed and followed his friend towards the elevator. Gray pushed the number 0 and waited for the doors to open. He knew that he should be there tomorrow. But his mind and heart were at play. Like always. Although, this one time, his heart was against his mind.
"Well, try to make it. She would have wanted you there."
The two men got into the elevator in silence; only the elevator ring was heard.
Losing people close to you, everyone is scared of it, no matter what one says or acts like. Deep down we all are afraid we'll lose that one person who loves us, that one person who understands us. It is a natural fear, nothing to be ashamed of. But when you lose so much, so many, you are bound to feel numb.
Gray pushed the windows open. The morning breeze hit him with a mild oceanic scent and salt. The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks as the locals chattered away on their morning routines. The sky was so clear and the sun was warming up. It was so happy. It seemed to him that the world forgot what day it was, that it had forgotten what it had lost.
Of course we feel numb. We blame ourselves- I should have done something, said something, spend more time with this person, laughed and shared many more memories. We ask ourselves- why did this happen, how did this happen, why this person. Then we lose a piece of ourselves. And this is so much worse when we have reasons to regret.
A cup of morning coffee would have kicked started his day. But not today. All he wanted deep down was to lay in his bed and try to dig up any memories he had of her and try to forge a smile. For once, he did not want the heavy questionings of his heart. He did not want to hear his subconscious scream at him about his past. All he wished was to remember the happiness that she brought.
It is not easy to live with regrets. But some regrets scar even more deeply. Maybe that is why people say that we shouldn't wait for the perfect moments. Maybe that is why people say grab the opportunity when it arrives. Because if we do not grasp the opportunity, if we let our insecurities rule over our confidence, if we let our fears do the talking, we'll lose it forever. Sometimes, literally. And that's when we realise perfection is just an illusion. Run after it, you'll be left with a sweet scented air and a devilish giggle.
It felt like it happened just yesterday because his mind just kept replaying it. Then it had the nerve to provide him with alternative endings to the same story. It was like insult to injury and Gray could find companion only in a bottle of aged whiskey. Maybe he thought the whiskey's age made him wise, and maybe it did- he learned to forget the past for the small time he let the liquid in his body.
We feel like we are the only ones being punished. We feel like we are left to suffer alone. And maybe we are. After all we made the mistakes, and we have to pay for it. It would feel so much better of we could learn from the mistakes and rectify them. Apologise and be all happy again. It would surely be a lot of hard work but at least we wouldn't be damned for all the little lifetime we have.
Gray did not understand at first. Everything was finally working out. He had finally accepted what everyone had been drilling into his mind. He had finally understood why he felt what he felt around her. He had finally realised that he smiled an awful lot when she was around or when he thought of her. And he also realised that he thought of her an awful lot. Finally, his head was clearing all the mist and fog and allowing his heart's words to register. Finally he understood that she was his salvation, that he had paid enough for his mistakes and she was the reward. But even rewards are like opportunities- that he did not understand.
We pretend to know everything. We pretend we have the best plans and nothing will go wrong- how could it, we made the best of plans. So when an unprecedented situation takes over our foolproof plan, we are left startled. We cannot comprehend that life does not care that we needed some time before we jumped in. All it cares about is that it gave us a chance, a time limit. We spend that time thinking and planning on and about things so menial that we forget the important thing, the goal we want to actually achieve. Or we simply think that our goal will always stay there, waiting for us to get around our heads, and life smiles warmly and says 'take your time'. It feels like we are pushed into the ice cold Atlantic when our presumptions are proved wrong.
He was getting ready to finally tell her how he felt. He had practiced it in front of the mirror, had been frustrated when the thought of her confused his tongue and he spouted gibberish. He was finally ready. That day he was going to surprise her at work. He had brought a bouquet of lovely white orchids and a small card with the words "Will you go out with me?". All he had to do was drive to the marine lab where she worked, blabber out what he could, give her the flowers and as she would read the little card on the flowers, he would patiently wait. It was all worked out, his plan was solid.
No one had expected it to happen. Who would? Who, in their right minds, would have thought that that exact same day an accident would occur. Who would have thought that that accident would prove to be a fatal one, taking three lives away in the process? Certainly not Gray. And certainly not Juvia. After all she had worked at the lab for more than five years. Nothing should have happened, no accidents should have occurred. After five years, life should have moved like any other undramatic routine.
The thing about us, humans, is that we pretend a lot. We will never admit that we are weak. We will always pretend that we are strong, confident and we need no support to live our lives. We think it attracts the eyes of others and we will be held high in their eyes. And that becomes our weakness. When someone is frighteningly near to tear our facade of whatever we are pretending to be, we run away instead of understanding why that person is so keen on knowing who we really are. Our hypocrisy runs deep in our blood. We talk about how we should be true to who we are and not fake a personality. But the moment we are asked to do what we speak, we sprout lies. We are nothing less of a sheep in a lion's clothing but we will never admit it. Because it projects us as weak and the cycle continues. When we are finally ready to break free of that cycle, it is already too late.
Gray could still hear the sirens of the ambulance and the police when he arrived at the lab. He could still remember the crowd, all murmuring about what had happened. He could smell the mix of chemicals and the smoke in the air. He could remember the firefighters around the corner, putting out the fire that ate out half the building. He could feel the chills running down his spines and the firefighters pulled out the injured. And he could still feel his heart stopping when he saw the azure hair falling out from one of the stretcher. And he could still feel the time stopping around him when he saw that the body on the stretcher was covered with a bloody white cloth. He only remembered these moments. He had slowly forgotten that he had then dropped the flowers, ran towards that stretcher. He had forgotten that the police had tried to stop him. He had forgotten that he had pulled the cloth down to reveal his crushed dreams. He had forgotten the paramedics dragging him towards safety and one of them asking him if he was okay. He had forgotten Natsu and Lucy arriving at the scene, who knows who called them. He had forgotten the horror on their faces, Lucy's hysterical cries, Natsu trying to get him to react. He had probably forgotten all this because his world had stopped the moment he saw her face for the very last time.
People die everyday, babies are born everyday. Nothing new, just a circle of life, a painful truth. So why does it hurt so much when we know we are to part ways with our close ones one days or the other? And if we know that we will be parting ways, why do we not try to make as many happy memories? If we are aware of this painful truth, why do we wait for a moment of perfection? If we know this painful truth, why do we pretend and fake instead of living to the best of our abilities? Why do we wait for regret to understand that we always knew the horrible truth?
Gray took a shower and got dressed. He decided he wanted to walk. He walked on the street, not absorbing the scene around him. As he walked past a flower shop, he remembered something- she never got his flowers, or the card. The streets were busy, cafes already filled with a string of customers. Cars breezed through the roads while children and teens were on their bikes and skates. The beach was also busy. Tourists were enjoying the sunny bright day on the beach. Who knows what life they lived, what problems they faced. And who cares? They were enjoying at the current moment, that was enough.
'You can't always get what you want' basically every mother's favorite dialogue. And it holds so much truth. So when life hands us something we cannot make sense of, even so, we should take it. Because if we put a little effort we will understand that life is handing us what we need in order to achieve our goals, our ambitions. Instead of ignoring these small things because they do not make sense at that particular time in our lives, we should take it, preserve it. Who know when we might need it.
Gajeel opened the door. He was wearing a black suit, the same that Juvia had forced him to buy because his sense of dressing abhorred her. His hair was much shorter now and he looked a lot cleaned up- fatherhood had served him well, Gray thought.
"If it isn't the ice princess."
Two years ago, the statement would have led to a verbal fight and at times physical ones. But a sad smile had followed the statement. Gray entered Natsu and Lucy's apartment. On her death anniversary, her friends got together for dinner after visiting her grave. It was Lucy's idea, Juvia always loved having dinner or lunch or brunches with her friends whenever they could get together. The woman used to hold dinners at her apartment at least twice a month and everyone had to have mandatory attendance. Lucy thought this would have made her happy.
This was the first time after the funeral that Gray was visiting her grave. It wasn't because he was in denial or anything. He had just dived into a pile of work, business outside town, sometimes outside the country in order to keep himself too busy to be miserable. It had worked somewhat. But he felt that it was high time he made the visit. After all he'll have a lot of explaining to do when his time is over.
As the gang left the cemetery, Gray looked back at her grave. His white orchids laid atop the red and yellow flowers. A little card on the flowers fluttered open as the wind blew by.
Sorry for not visiting you in the past two years. Don't worry, I'll get that date from you. Wait patiently, okay?
Love, Gray.
A/N:
Well, I was just listening to 'You can't always get what you want' by Ituana. I fell in love with the song after listening it on Big Little Lies (P.S. It is an amazing series, a must watch, really!)
Anyways, tell me how you guys found this oneshot. I dunno, I think I like tragic stories... Or maybe I am just a realist (my friends told me to stop being fancy and just accept that I am a huge pessimist- I am not.)
It has been a long time since I wrote anything. And the song just got to me I guess. Hopefully, I'll be back with some more. Toodles for now, gotta hit the youtube playlist for some inspiration!