Miss Misery

by Lord Malachite

Working on a new angle to get a certain boy's attention, a foolish endeavor Heloise made years ago resurfaces, creating havoc when its implementation causes the malevolent inventor to turn into a font of cheer and happiness. Jimmy and Beezy seem to like this kind and thoughtful version of Heloise, but what will happen to Miseryville without new products for the Misery Inc catalog?

Prologue: A Simple Plan

The still of the night was one of Heloise's favorite times, when she was able to reflect upon her works in privacy, savor the sweet sensation of all the misery she had accomplished, mourn the other goals she had yet to achieve...and most importantly, sit secluded in her own private sanctum, allowing her ingenious mind to plot out her next move. The blueprints to all of her inventions and schemes had to first take shape in her mind before they could be built and tested within the bowels of her research lab at Misery, Inc. And here, surrounded by her muse, is where each one first took form.

Her small fingers stroked along the length of the pencil in her hand, absently making notes and sketches. For all too long, she had been trying unsuccessfully to fuse her insatiable penchant for chaos and misery with her unspeakable affections for her opposite number, a boy so hapless, so idiotic, so...dare she even think it, dreamy-that she couldn't properly concentrate her efforts one way of the other. Tonight she was determined to take her first step away from that impasse. Tonight, she would devise a way to fuse her two greatest passions into one. A crooked, toothy smirk worked its way across her face. It felt so good to give form to the ideas of her subconscious. But this one...this one wasn't an idea, so much as an inkling. A question. A wish that someone much more innocent and naive would offer up to the stars. Heloise did not believe in miracles. At least, not those of a cosmic nature. Miracles did exist-but they were more of a human work, achieved by sheer tenacity and willpower, not belief that something would happen, but determination to cause one's desire to manifest itself. Yes...that was her way, and her eyes gleamed with mischief as she began to sketch, perceiving her newest work of art within her mind.

So much time spent scheming and plotting to gain the attention of that boy, her every ingenious effort ruined by Jimmy's seeming inability to put her needs in front of anyone else's, or the constant interference of that blundering oaf Beezy. But she had only herself to blame. The fault wasn't with Jimmy. Well, of course Jimmy was at fault-he was like a cancer that had infected her. But trying to get him to see her as a girl, as a significant other, as a mate...Heloise felt herself shudder at the thought, her heart beating faster within her chest. She longed to be held and desired, and the knowledge of those feelings nearly made her sick to her stomach. It was his fault that she had to exist this way, a walking dichotomy be obsessed with both affection and misery. Ah, yes, Misery. Sweet misery. Her first love. The one that would always take her into its embrace whenever something went wrong in relationship with Jimmy-and something was always going wrong. Not that he could even see it. she'd practically thrown herself at the fool on more than one occasion and bounced off him like rubber ball hitting a brick wall. It was infuriating that anyone could be so dense. It was enough to make her quit the notion of being with him entirely. It wasn't an obsession, after all. She could give up on Jimmy any time she chose. She had done so several times just to prove it to herself.

"You're going to change for me, this time." Heloise let the words echo of the walls of her shrine. Pausing, she traced her left index finger along the contours of the scar that adorned her forehead, as though she had forgotten something. "Yes. You'll never see it coming." The smirk on her face began to grow as her pencil flew across the drafting pad more fervently, her idea beginning to take shape technologically. "Soon now. You'll never see the trap closing until its too late." She looked up, darting her eyes to the different effigies of her Intended adorning the walls. "You're just going to love this."

XXXXX

Unbeknownst to Heloise, this was not her first time developing such an invention. Long ago, she had perfected a similar piece of mind-altering technology. But the subject was a very different one indeed…

Deep within the insidious workshop found in the Misery Incorporated Research & Development wing, a small, sinister, single-minded inventor hovered proudly over a tiny technological trinket of titanic treachery. It was, simultaneously, her greatest creation, and her worst. It contained within it the sum of all her hopes, of all the unspeakable weakness that had infiltrated her mind and heart…no, what use was their denying it? What little remained of her soul had been infected, and with this ailment, the most vile thoughts had begun to consume her. Fantasies of affection had even given way to unspeakable acts…she had actually…Heloise shuddered to think it…actually attempted to engage in acts of courtship. The thought made the awakened heart within her begin to flutter with possibilities, while the bile in her stomach nearly caused her gag reflex to kick in.

And how she had tried! Oh, hell, she had tried so hard. This word. This very notion. Love? It was a foreign, abhorrent concept until Jimmy Two-Shoes two-stepped into her life with his nonsense and stuffed everything up completely. And now, the ruin he had wrought upon her life reduced her to this solitary, final act of desperation. Her small fingers took hold of her greatest hope and fear with a pair of forceps, inspecting her nightmarish work one last time, she was unable to restrain a cackle, the poetry coming to her. "And this word, love, which fools call divine, be resident in people like one another, and not in me: I am myself alone."

Reverently, she placed the miniscule microchip back into the dish she had lifted it out of, satisfied that it was, at last, complete. "Alone…" The word seemed to echo around the lab around her, reverberating off of laser banks and colliders and robotic limbs and all manner of fiendish wizardry. "Not for much longer." She stated with determination, taking the petri dish containing her microchip in hand and carrying it over to a surgical table, quaking slightly as she placed it onto a thin metallic tray. She was running out of stalling time. Think about what you're doing, Heloise. She chastised herself. Had she really gone too far? Was she this lost?

"I've already thought about it. I've thought about it for weeks while I slaved over this thing. I've tried everything else. This is the only way." Hesitation gripped her body as she gripped a metallic chair, hoisting herself up into it. There was still time to back out of this madness.

You've lived without him before.

"That's not enough anymore!" She shouted at the voice inside of her head, tormenting her, trying to convince it of her resolve as much as she was trying to convince herself. "There can be only one. You, or him. I've tried cutting off these feelings for a boy to no effect. Fighting is futile. She reached out to the surgical table, taking a rubberized stick to bite down on and a remote control, flipping several switches and twisting a dial as a mirror came down in front of her, 3 sided so she could see her delicate workspace from all angles. Keeping herself perfectly still, she manipulated the remote control to life the black marker from the tray, moving it towards her and, with an audible gulp, had it press the felt tip to her forehead at a slant, where she would need to operate. Seeing herself in the mirror, pale skin reflecting back at her, the standout streak of black blemishing her forehead; was a sight Heloise was night entirely prepared for. Cautiously, she finger the mark, smudging it slightly. There was so little left to do now…little but the worst part.

With a resolve she wasn't certain she could muster, she flicked the switch on the remote, activating restraints so her body couldn't move, the only freedom left to her was the ability to manipulate her fingers, toes, and eyelashes. She flinched only slightly when she activated the anesthetic-, a needle jabbing her in the forehead sharply and quickly, numbing the entire area and giving her something of a bald sensation. "Steady, steady…" She swallowed, fighting the urge to call this madness off. "You can do this Heloise. You can do anything you set your mind to." Her choice of words wasn't lost on her, and she found herself laughing nervously as she thumbed the complex remote, hearing the servos on the drill whining slightly with each absent-minded movement. She breathedin and out, slowly, feeling her chest rise and fall with the effort, strained as it was against the metallic bindings of her operational table.

She found herself wondering whom to pray to at a time like this. Surely if there was a god, he had abandoned her long ago, and the feeling was mutual. No, any higher power surely viewed her as some kind of plaything. That was the only possible explanation. Otherwise her life would not have been plagued by such a frustrating, annoying, inconceivably beautiful creature as Jimmy Twp-Shoes. No god but a cruel one would try to force her heart to beat in time with his, while simultaneously pulling it back into the darkness that had practically nursed her from the womb.

Trying to shake away the thoughts, Heloise tapped her fingers against the smaller set of buttons on the rear of the remote control, lowering mechanical arms to her temples…ones that would stimulate low level electrical shock in case anything went wrong. A third clamped down over her heart, the cold metallic touch easily penetrating her scarlet gown.

She was a fool, pure and simple. A fool for love that had weakened her to this state of final desperation. This was the definition of madness, and yet her dedication hardly wavered. How far has she fallen already? Heloise licked her lips tensely, feeling the fear begin to grip her heart. She could stop, now, before it was too late. And in doing so, continue her unending cycle of samsara that had existed ever since the day Jimmy dropped into her life, igniting a war within her heart between her unflinching desire for Chaos and Misery…and the desire to be desired by an empty-headed boy too foolish for his own good. Was this truly her last recourse? She could still gain his attention, making him understand her affection…couldn't she? There was nothing she could not accomplish when she committed to it. Naught but this mystery of love that poisoned and infected her, made her desire such girlish things…made her want to know what it would be like to simply be held within his arms, embracing her, chasing away that which had sustained her until now, rekindling the tattered shreds of a heart and soul within her hollowed-out chest. Maybe it was weakness that caused her to want that desire. Or maybe it was madness. "But though this be madness, yet there is method in't." She muttered, using the remote to calibrate a final system check and ensure that her program would run flawlessly. The mini-screen on the device ran its progress bar at what seemed an exceedingly slow pace, furthering her torture. How had she been driven to this.

Heloise felt her head hang ever so slightly, chin jutting against the metal bar meant to keep her head from moving. She was insane. After all these years, she was truly going out of her mind. This was the only explanation she could accept for this undertaking. Her eyes followed the progress bar of the diagnostic with agony, as though it were measuring the time until she could live again. She found herself reciting prose that fit her damnation well. "As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man. There are only four things certain, since Social Progress began." Heloise felt her breath hitch, for the first time in this endeavor, worried about herself. "That the Dog returns to his Vomit…" She watched the diagnostic complete, a simulation of the program proving that, unless she had made some kind of mistake, it would run flawlessly. "…and the Sow returns to her Mire…" Unable to stall any longer, she transmitted the program, hearing the laser begin to warm up. "…and the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire."

Words were inefficient to convey the terror when at last she was able to see the glowing tip in front of her, and she halted the program, taking in shallow breaths before assuming manual control. If it had to be done, it would be by her own two hands. Holding her breath to keep from shaking, she allowed the laser's lowest intensity beam to reflect off her forehead for proper guidance and aiming, but it took nearly two minutes of painstaking minor adjustments until she was satisfied that the path would be correct. Her eyes closed of their own accord and her thumb lay poised over the button that would commit her to this folly. "Cross my heart nigh cleft in twain…stick a laser in my brain!" She stabbed at the button without remorse, as though that simple act could somehow free of her pent up frustration and heartache.

Pain did not register, thanks to the anesthetic, but the sight of a tiny plume of smoke and the strange smell was unsettling, making her want to gag. Cutting through the thin flesh of her forehead was easy, but her skull was another matter entirely. If just the smallest thing went wrong, she could wind up dead, or a vegetable. But she could do this. She had run countless simulations, accounted for everything that could go wrong. Her breath caught when the sound finally changed and she felt a trickle down her forehead, cerebrospinal fluid. Quickly she terminated the laser, implementing her pre-programmed procedure. A robotic arm meticulously took hold of the chip, placing into a small, syringe like object. The thought that this might not have been one of her more brilliant ideas ran through her mind as the needle point tip of the catalyst penetrated the slit in her forehead, burrowing deep into her brain. Of course, this was not a sensation she could actually feel, but seeing it reflected back at her was enough. Her body tremored at the loud whine and snap like sound of the payload being delivered, the needle withdrawing as quickly as it had been implanted. A quick rotation, and an a second shot of artificial cerebrospinal fluid to replace the small amount that was lost filled her brain cavity, a second laser mobilizing as soon as the injection was completed, beginning the slow process of sealing the breach to her head. It only took about seven minutes for the crack in her skull to be sealed over, as she measured by her breaths, but she still found she had to shut her eyes from the site of her skin being tugged together and sealed In spite of the anesthetization, there was still a horrible pulling, itching feeling that was almost worse than any pain could have been, When the mechanical arms finally pulled away from her, Heloise dared to open her eyes, wincing at the tender, flesh she had traumatized. She was whole, but there would definitely be a scar. Fortunately, Jimmy would probably be too dense to notice, and if he did, some lame explanation and he'd think nothing of it. And there was no discernible reason Beezy would worry about any scars she might carry.

Toggling a switch on her remote, the restraints on the table released, and she could move again. Very cautiously, she ran a finger up to where the surgery had been done, wincing slightly at the somewhat tender and artificial feeling her skin had. Without warning, she fell to her knees, emptying the contents of her stomach. "I was right the first time. Not one of my better ideas."

Slowly, she let the shaking and sweating pass, took slow breaths to ensure the nausea was over. Setting down the remote control, she crossed the lab to her computer console much more slowly than she preferred to admit, bringing up a live feed. The chip she had implanted inside of her brain was already making itself at home, long tendrils of fiber burrowing into the cracks and crevasses of her neural passages, seeking out all of her sadistic tendencies. All that remained was to activate the governing system, and she'd become a happy little fun-loving zombie. All of her tendencies for mischief, mayhem, chaos, and sadistic revenge could now forever be suppressed and controlled, and that shred of humanity in her that had nearly disappeared would grow and flourish under Jimmy's loving, energetic care. Yes, it was all so simple. Almost diabolically so.

With much fanfare, Heloise unlocked the drawer of her nearby desk, withdrawing a box and pulling out a pristine remote, that had lain untouched for the better part of a year, since she had first begun designing her path to happiness. This remote had none of the switches, dials, and buttons of the one she had been using moments ago—only a single, oversized red button. All she had to do was push it, and the real function of the chip would kick into gear, overriding her "inappropriate" thoughts. Her life was about to profoundly change for the better with the single push of a button, and she smiled almost giddily at the thought, sitting herself down, placing the remote onto her desk.

Sighing in contentment, Heloise opened another draw of her desk and withdraw a small canister containing dried lavaworms, something she occasionally snacked on when she was too deep into a project to stop for a proper meal. "Just a few more hours and I can try it out. Won't Jimmy be surprised by the new me?"

If you could only hear yourself, Heloise.

"Is someone there?" She asked, quite certain that thought had been spoken aloud, spoken by someone other than her.

Of course I'm here. I've always been with you.

"I'm not amused," Heloise muttered, tapping a button beneath her desk to activate her security. No one at Misery Inc. was foolish enough to wander into her domain uninvited. Even Lucius feared the wrath she could summon. "I guess this means I'll have to give my two weeks' notice." She sighed." And it was such a fulfilling job, too. Even if it was for Lucie."

Really, Heloise. To go to such lengths for a mere boy. It's not unexpected to want to please him, you're far from the first girl to do something foolish and stupid for the sake of a man you like, but this is a bit too much.

"Who are you calling a fool?!" She growled, her ire increasing rapidly. She seized the remote control she was intending to use on herself and locked it back inside of the desk.

You would waste the talents you were born with. You were not born to create and nurture, Heloise. You were designed to tear apart.

"I do what I wish, when I wish, and there's nothing I cannot do unless I choose not to. Care to test me.?!"

You have nothing to prove to me, I am you. And I am here to stop you from this madness. You will not commit suicide like some kind of tragic figure for the love of a boy too much of an imbecile to appreciate what you offer. Because that's all this is, Heloise. Suicide. You're killing who you really are, because you believe there is no other way he could accept you."

"Jimmy accepts me."

But does he hold you like you imagine, like you fantasize about? Does he whisper his affections into your ear? Does he put you before the oaf?

"Shut up!"

No, I don't think I will. For months you have been closing your eyes and shutting your ears to the things you don't want to hear. While you embarked on this quest of madness. This thing called love has weakened you, Heloise.

"Don't you think I know that? I know it's silly, I know it's weak of me. He just…does something to me I can't deny. He's a good man. I'm not a good girl. I'm not going to drag him down to my level. That's been my mistake. But now he'll see me as I really am!"

No, he's already seeing you as you really are. You attempt to present a façade, an illusion. This silly boy has already declared his friendship to you over and over. Transforming yourself will not magically awaken the feelings in him you seek.

It will keep me from going insane. I've tried everything else I could. Now it's time for something a little more creative. Once I turn this on, all doubt will be gone. I'll be his perfect mate. I'll be as happy as he is all the time, always smiling.

Yet never feeling satisfied. You cannot have it both ways. Consider what you are doing, Heloise. This boy that has jumpstarted your heart after years of inactivity…this…infection that has offered you something that feels good beyond spreading Misery…what you do here will guarantee that you never experience what you hope for. Instead it will be some other, saccharine replacement of yourself, wearing your face, living your life, allowing your brilliant inventive mind to rot…cuddling up to the love of your life…

"Enough!" Heloise shouted, ripping the panel off of one of her consoles in frustration. "You just can't let me be happy, can you."

Happiness is a state of mind. The bigger concern here, Heloise, is how low you are stooping. This is not you, not us. You are better than this.

"Don't you think I know that?"

Then why did you just risk your life implanting that foolish device into the heart of your brain?

"Because…because even my common sense fails me when it comes to him."

Yes, it does. That is why you have me. I will not lie to you, Heloise. Your fondness for that silly boy is…a distraction. A dangerous one. Nevertheless, none would know better than I how he inspires you. One day, perhaps, you will get through to him. Until then…destroy that infernal contraption.

"This isn't rocket science, you know! It's brain surgery! I'm not doing that again, thank you." The angry expression on the diminutive girl's face reflected in a blank monitor, an evil glint in her eyes. "But I can change it!" She hopped onto a stool, gaining access to the keyboard. "The original programming is locked…but since the chips directives are to map out my neural pathways and block certain ones when activated, maybe I can get it to just make me forget in the first place..." Her fingers flew over the keyboard like a concert pianist, every new line of code making her somewhat giddy. "And there we are. A fifteen second burst before bed and I'll never even remember this stupidity." Tentatively, she reached up to run a finger across the tender flesh where the incision in her forehead had been made. "Well, maybe a little mystery will be left. I kind of like it though, it gives me character. Now I just have to hide this remote somewhere it can never be found. And I think I know just the place…"

XXXX

"Oh yes…" Heloise grinned malevolently within the walls of her shrine to Jimmy, daydreaming about what her newest invention would do, blissfully unaware of the veritable Pandora's Box buried beneath, Hidden by floorboards and the worst traps imaginable, an intentionally forgotten, neglected remote control nestled inside a permanent resting place. "I should've thought of this ages ago. I know you can see things my way…" She dropped her pencil, looking over the plans for her latest creation. "You just haven't been properly…stimulated yet." She looked over the design thoughtfully. "Well…perhaps that one time. But that was just totally the wrong subject. Who says going back to the drawing board isn't the right option?" Her grin began to widen, and she snatched one of the dolls, cuddling it to her chest. "Yes, yes, yes, you do know how to make me happy, don't you?" She tweaked the nose of the plush figure, planting a kiss on its forehead. "Soon now, there won't be any more hiding in closets like this. You'll hold my hand in public, curl up with me on the couch…and feel that same twinge of excitement I do whenever there's a chance to make Misery! Oh, Jimmy, you have no idea how sweet it can be. But you will. Soon, my love, soon."

Heloise rose to her full height, which was not nearly enough for her taste, but that seemed to matter not as she spun like a ballerina for a moment in enthusiasm, exiting her private hideaway and into the main house like a diminutive primadona; leaping over quicksand pits and snares set to capture trespassers, before landing in the kitchen, where she removed a tentacle from the refrigerator and sliced it in half with a knife acquired from somewhere on her person, the near surgical strike splitting the thick, gnarled appendage, one half landing in each of her small hands. As she glided across the floor, Heloise tossed one of the tentacle halves to her guardian plant, one of her favorite traps for unsuspecting victims. The other one was a gift, lobbed out her window and into Jimmy's yard, where Cerbee would undoubtedly find it. One thing she had learned was that keeping in the good graces of Jimmy's pet made the demonic mutt hang around her more often…which increased the chances that Jimmy would have to come bobbing along to reclaim him. Maybe it was a bit of a lame trick, but it worked, and that was enough to keep her generous side showing when it came to Jimmy's pet.

But that would be a problem for another day. For now, Heloise shucked her oversized gown for a similar pajama ensemble, slithering into bed, and releasing her hair from its trademark ponytail, coiling her diminutive frame around one of her larger Jimmy plush dolls and letting herself drift miserably to sleep. To sleep, and perchance to dream…

XXXX

Author's Notes

Oh God he's done it again! Yup, I've started another story against my better judgment. I really wasn't going to, I mean that. But I can't get Heloise out of my head, and she can be rather…convincing. I've rather grown attached to my head, and so I have written…this thing. This is a story that I can picture being both very amusing and absurdly dramatic, considering how prone to mood swings the star is. It has been a significant time since a lovelorn angry blonde came into my life (dirty blonde in this case, but Heloise still counts in spades. Trust me—I've seen her spade, and you don't want her to stab you with it!)

Purists may get on my case for coming up with a reason for Heloise having her scar, instead of following the soft canon for the original vision of Jimmy Two-Shoes, where it's a symbolic mark of her death and passage to Hell (Miseryville). There's nothing wrong with that interpretation considering it's sourced, but I'm of the opinion that since the show had to be altered for the sake of the children, the origins of Heloise's scar are up-for-grabs. Moreover, I wanted to do something with it that would play a huge part in this story, so I hope that you'll allow me a bit of the creative license with that one. Most of this prologue would take place after Jimmy came to Miseryville, but before the series proper—a long forgotten, foolish idea of Heloise's that may soon come back to haunt her. I've got so much in my head, but I don't think this story will be particularly long. I think it's more a proof of concept than anything else, as I learn to "cut my teeth" with her character. I certainly haven't mastered the art here, but then again, I didn't give Heloise anyone to bounce off of in this Prologue. My hope is that as I begin to introduce Beezy and Lucius and Sami and, of course, Jimmy…that the dynamics will begin to sync up. Still, I like to entertain the notion that this is pretty well-written though far from flawless. Or maybe my ego is just beginning to eat itself again. Sometimes, it can be hard to tell. Oh, and while performing brain surgery on oneself might require quite a bit of suspension of disbelief—this is a Jimmy Two-Shoes story, logic and common sense need not apply. Besides, are you about to tell Heloise she can't do that? No? I didn't think so.

The most astute observer will note that I gave Heloise some very heady dialogue in this piece, complete with quotes from Shakespeare's Henry V and one of my favorite poems of all time—Rudyard Kipling's The Gods Of The Copybook Headings. The lines I borrowed in this just seemed to fit the theme well. There's a lot I can identify with Heloise. And I hope to have really explored her thoroughly by the time this is finished.

Are you reading this, wondering when I'm going to get around to updating Seized With Life? Good news, I'm over halfway done with the next chapter of that epic. And I still write it with a lot of glee. I know I often take awhile between chapters of Seized, but in my defense, I always give you at least ten thousand words on that one. I like to make sure that it's worth your time to actually sit down and read, rather than something you can shake off in two minutes. It's also important that there be some real meaning behind it. Seized is my most personal story, I like to make sure that its storyline and development are relevant to me personally. I think that is the story that has had the most of my heart and soul poured into it, but hey, I haven't retired from the fanfiction game yet. I've threatened to more than once. But this is how I deal with a lot of stuff, and all of you who read this and take the time to tell me what you think are a part of that.

All this said, I guess it's time to find out if there are anymore Jimmy Two-Shoes fans left out there. I'm sending this fic out into the world and we'll see if anyone cares for it. Let me know how I'm doing. Even if you hate it, that's cool—if I made you feel something, anything at all, it was worth the effort. Leave a review, drop me a line, send me an IM, or love me on Twitter!

Send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, love letters, death threats, marriage proposals, and ransom demands to:

Lord Malachite

2/5/14

7:27AM, EST

E-mail: ranger (underscore) writer

AIM: Asukaphile26

Twitter: LordMalachite