MATT: What are we going to do?
LEA: About what?
MATT: Theo.
LEA: Why do we need to do anything about him? He's shtupping understudies in American Idiot. We have an understanding.
MATT: You two may have, but Ryan's contractual understanding with each of us is that we never get caught together. If things ever go sour with Theo and he spills the beans, we're screwed big time. Can you leave something hanging over him? Like your Italian relatives?
LEA: They're not those kinds of Italians. Now I do have Jewish uncles with contacts in the Coney Island Russian mob, but once you start with those people all bets are off. They're impossible to control. Anyway, Theo's okay. He wouldn't hurt me in that way.
MATT: I hope you're right. Maybe you could threaten Ryan, instead. He's killing us. Did you watch the Britney episode? My god!
LEA: I know. Working on individual scenes and songs form multiple episodes on the same day, you don't really get a good sense of what story is being told until you see the edited broadcast version. So now, Rachel's a psychotic control freak and Will's a lovesick arrested adolescent who dances sexy with his students. Next week Finn thinks he has a message from God in his grilled cheese sandwich. Where I come from, a Rachel Berry wouldn't give the time of day to such a retard.
MATT: Tell me about it. Will chasing crazy Emma? He'd have to go to hookers for blow jobs. Or his students.
LEA: Yeah, and they'll have sex like ultra-orthodox Jews are rumored to, with a sheet between them through a small hole. Crotchless sheets.
MATT: I'm worried that when you treat the audience like children you end up with an audience solely of children. And it's not just the story, it's the music, too.
LEA: Oh, yes. Baby One More Fucking Time. Do you know how much electronic manipulation it took to get me to sound that bad? Adam's a great guy and he gets some things exactly right, but he gets other things exactly wrong. I don't care who it is, no single music producer can handle every single song and every single genre. Working out the vocals with session singers? One hour to put down the track? Please. But they're treating you far worse.
MATT: Ya think? It's not so much the bloody rapping, at least I get to show off some moves. It's that I'm essentially prohibited from lyric romantic songs. Let me do Younger Than Springtime bare-chested and I'll have most of Colfer's boys in my hip pocket.
LEA: Not just his boys. His girls and married women will be FedExing you their wet panties with phone numbers and house keys. But that's not why they don't let you do those kinds of songs.
MATT: Why, then?
LEA: Because after the audience has heard the real thing, they couldn't maintain the ridiculous pretense that any of the other guys can actually sing. There will be a clamoring to give you more showtune solos, most of which will have to be sung in Rachel's presence because no other character would want to listen to that type of music. That will lead to more Endless Loves and then to more nasty rumors and attacks from all the crackpot right wing groups run by men who are running tabs with male escort services. The end result will make it even more difficult for us to hook up. But at least they're letting you do a solo album. They won't let me do that. It's in my contract.
MATT: Why the hell not? Wouldn't it help the show if you got the recognition beyond the Glee audience?
LEA: Actually, no. Then they could no longer sell Rachel as some angst-ridden, ugly, insecure, delusional maniac, and without that, there's no show. It's all in the perception. Ryan needs to create an illusion. It's like those Hollywood musicals and ditzy comedies during the Great Depression. Have you seen the numbers – the unemployment and home equity losses? I sometimes wonder how many suicides Glee has prevented.
MATT: Given what I've seen of some of our crazier fans, I think downers would be safer than our supposedly feel-good upper. Some of these idiots blame Will for not giving Kurt solos. Talk about breaking the "fourth wall," good grief, this is Twilight Zone territory. A fictional character has killed the real-life director and is now assigning all the solos. Right. Ryan may be a flaming queen, but he's the greediest, most power-hungry SOB I've ever met and Chris ain't getting any solo if it costs Ryan a single dime. I've heard rumors he hired a team of programmers to develop software that estimates what songs, arrangements, and assignments would maximize his income based on audience demographics, polling, and iTunes sales. I certainly wouldn't put it past him.
LEA: Nor would I. It would explain a lot. But as fun as it is, let's quit our bitching or we'll start becoming our characters. Anyway, we have to be back on set in half an hour, so we only have time for a quickie. Kiss me.
MATT: God, you're beautiful.
LEA: I know.
The End