Dear Alfie,

I was always told that when you were frustrated with someone, instead of taking it out on them to their face and saying something hurtful, you should write it all down in a letter and give it to them to see if you can fix it. Well... I have a few complaints, and you hardly listen long enough for me to voice them, so... I guess, here goes nothing, right?

First of all, I find it really hurtful that my own boyfriend confuses me for you all the time and hits me for your mistakes. I can't laugh it off anymore, it's annoying and it hurts, in more ways than one. Either shape up or try to help me differentiate myself, please?

I also really hate that your country makes fun of mine all the time. You made a song telling everyone to blame me based off of my national anthem. People don't knowingly hum the tune to O'Canada. They're humming Blame Canada, and that gets old. There are several other songs depicting my country poorly, and I want the world to know that we're not just a bunch of beer-swilling hockey pucks! We invented the zipper and insulin, we have free health care, and one of the highest populations of same-sex couples in the world. We're not all the same, and it's hurtful that you categorize us as such.

On top of all that, you're jealous of me, for some reasons. Just because the other nations use me for their sexual pleasure (AKA invading my vital regions) doesn't make me popular. When they think North America, they always think of you first. Then Mexico, and sometimes even Cuba before they remember that I'm here. And don't forget I separate you from one of your states.

And just because we have two national languages doesn't mean we can't make up our minds! It means we willingly give our people freedom as to what they can do with their speech patterns. And no, I do not say 'Out', 'About' and 'Snout' funny. Maybe you say it funny! Did you ever think of that? Just because you don't hear it doesn't mean other people don't say it like I do. Most latin-based languages don't have a sound for 'ow' and it comes out 'oo' instead. So you're just being insensitive and calling me strange when you're the weird one.

And to add even more to my frustrations, I'm known far and wide as "America's Frosty Hat". Do I look like a snowman? Does that make Mexico your sun dress or something?

Oh, and then the small amount of recognition I manage to grab from other countries (other than France), you always take away from me. Always. Sure, you may envy that they come to me to invade first, but that's only because you've only ever been successfully invaded by Mexico. Which is a girl. So they don't know what to think of you, I guess. That and you make it so hard.

You make it hard to make friends in the first place. You wonder why nobody likes you? It's because you make them hate you. You need to work out the edges of your personality and try to get yourself to stop being the ass of the world. Maybe if you were nicer like me then you'd know what kind of torture I go through for you every day of my life!

I just wish we could switch places some day, and see how you liked it. I bet you couldn't last one day in my shoes!

With much love and no meaning for feelings to be hurt,

Matthew (AKA Canada.)

AN: Okay, so... My Matthewmuse was on a tirade this morning. He's been really angry at America lately, even more so than usual, and I figured something needed to be written from his perspective or the poor thing would explode. I think, now that he has it out of his system, he feels much better and I might actually be able to go to sleep, now. He's kept me up all night with feelings of animosity. So.. Maybe now that he's got it out, maybe he'll feel better. Anyway, this was just something that I feel may help both of us. xD I needed to get out some stressed stuff... So maybe upset Canada helps?