It's all reinamycloud 's fault. See, this post happened and next thing I know, I've got a 2500+ word fic on my hands and a second part in the works. I don't even know how. I think I went into a writing coma.
Technically, I didn't follow any of the prompts exactly, but we're going to ignore that fact and enjoy the angst. I've never written anything quite like this, and I've never written for this fandom before, so...should be interesting. (Also, I did proofread, but...lazily. So if there are errors, I'm sorry.)
I'm only planning two chapters total, but I figured that I've finished the first one so I can upload it now. Enjoy and let me know what you think :D
EDIT: If you're looking for chapter two, check my page. For some reason, FFN has Attack on Titan and Shingeki No Kyojin under two different categories? And I want this listed under both, so. I cheated. Sue me. Technically they can be standalones anyway.
Blood. Tears. Sweat. Dirt.
These were all things that a few good minutes under running water could wash away. Mikasa watched with shaking hands as the last few visible traces of her mission washed down the drain.
She was one of humanity's best, so it surprised nobody but her that she should return to the safety of the walls with barely a scratch, while others had been bitten in two and torn limb from limb. Mikasa was nothing if not skilled, and her prowess and cool grace had impressed those in the military and civilians alike.
Unlike others, Mikasa didn't consider her talents a natural gift. She worked hard all the time to be the best she could be, for Eren. She loved that boy with everything in her, but God, could he be incompetent. He tended to idealise the world around him believing that his will alone would always be enough to save the day. Mikasa had only become a soldier so she could stay by his side and protect him. After all, he was the only family she had.
Unlike her all-but-in-blood brother, Mikasa didn't have the luxury of looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses. She was a realist, and in all reality, the world kind of sucked. It was cold and cruel and unforgiving, and sometimes it bugged her that she seemed to be the only one who realised it. While her peers slacked off and enjoyed the privileges of youth, Mikasa had always stayed wise, putting her head before her heart.
But today, there was an ache in her chest that even her head couldn't ignore.
Mikasa always felt this way after a mission. Her brain struggled with the why and wherefore of what they did, marvelling that anyone believed these journeys beyond the walls would result in anything but bloodshed and broken families. Like there wasn't already enough of that in the world.
She was off-duty, and therefore decided to forgo her uniform. As she dressed, she wondered what in Earth she should fill her afternoon with – because if she didn't fill it, surely the anger and sadness would fill her, and then she'd be of no use to anyone. She was tired and worn inside out, but rejected the idea of a nap. She didn't want to see what she undoubtedly would as soon as she closed her eyes.
Mikasa settled for a walk around town instead, hoping that the presence of other people who weren't ten meters tall and out to eat her would soothe the burden she felt.
It didn't. Actually, it made her feel a whole lot worse.
Something about seeing all those joyful, peaceful faces made Mikasa's blood boil. She wasn't necessarily mad at the people themselves; and certainly not for being happy. After all, the point of this whole bitter fight was so that all of humanity could one day live in peace just like this, except on a grander scale.
No, she was mad at something else. Maybe it was because these people were so damn content to live in a cage all their lives. Maybe it was because she knew she'd never experience true peace and tranquillity the way these people could, even if all the titans in the world vanished right now. Maybe it was because she knew that at any second, what happened to her home could happen here; the wall could be breached, and even more lives could be destroyed – and they'd never see it coming. All those pleasant people, doing nothing more than moving on with their lives, well and truly expecting a tomorrow…they had no idea how quickly it could all be over.
Mikasa's calm demeanour slipped ever so slightly, and she knew she couldn't take seeing one more smile. She ducked into the nearest alleyway, away from the bustling marketplace, and leaned against the wall to catch her breath.
She knew she was being weak, and reminded herself of that as she closed her eyes and tilted her face towards the sky. But it didn't matter, did it? Because it wasn't like anyone was here to see her like this-
"Ackerman?"
-Shit.
"Corporal." Mikasa slowly opened her eyes, but she didn't look at Levi right away.
"This isn't the most practical place to loiter, you know. It's absolutely filthy."
Mikasa raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing here?" Then she checked herself, suddenly remembering that, though she was out of uniform, Levi was still her superior. "…Sir."
"The same as you, I'd imagine," he answered calmly. "Sometimes a walk after a mission is good to clear the head."
Mikasa finally looked over at Levi, and was surprised to realise that he too was neglecting his uniform, in favour of more casual attire. It was an odd experience to see the Corporal dressed this way, one that legitimately stunned Mikasa, who was used to seeing him with a cravat around his neck and the Wings of Freedom on his back.
"You look ill," Levi observed, not so much sounding worried about her as he was just stating a fact. "Perhaps you should skip training tomorrow and rest."
Mikasa shook her head. "I'm fine, Sir. Just a little…" Anything she said there would be akin to admitting weakness, so Mikasa said nothing.
Even so, Levi seemed to understand.
"I'll walk to back to your quarters, then. We lost enough soldiers in the last mission; I don't think the Survey Corps needs to lose any more just now."
Initially, Mikasa wanted to refuse, to tell him that she was fine and he should continue with his day. But the look on Levi's face left little room to argue. He didn't look angry or anything. He didn't even look annoyed or mildly irritated. In fact, he wore his usual apathetic look as he always did. But there was something in his eyes that stopped Mikasa dead in her tracks. It wasn't…it couldn't be…was he actually concerned for her?
Mikasa nodded, and allowed Levi to lead her through the throng, back the way she had come. He was silent the whole walk, and didn't look at her once, but that was alright. It was a comfortable silence; the kind that didn't make Mikasa feel compelled to fill it with mindless chatter about topics she had no interest in.
Most of the recruits who lived in military-exclusive accommodation shared a kitchen, but kept a few basics in their room anyway. When they reached Mikasa's room, Levi headed straight for the tea-making supplies: no surprises there.
"Take a seat," he ordered, and Mikasa did so at the desk where she usually filled out the mountains of paperwork that came with all their jobs regardless of rank.
Levi sat opposite her, placing two teacups between them. Mikasa reached for the one closest to her and took a tentative sip. It was perfect.
Levi watched carefully, and she spent every second entirely aware of his eyes on her. She cupped both hands around her tea, using it as a way to hide the blush creeping up on her cheeks; though for the life of her, she couldn't place why.
After minutes of nothing, Mikasa finally worked up the courage to ask, "Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what, exactly Levi finally averted his constant gaze, dropping it to his own tea as he took a sip.
Mikasa shrugged. What was he doing?
Levi sighed and put his cup down. "Do you want the truth, Ackerman?"
It was a simple enough question, but Mikasa somehow felt like it was more loaded than it seemed. So when she answered, she did so cautiously. "Yes, Sir."
"The truth…" he sighed again. "The truth is, I wasn't in the same area as you by accident."
"You…followed me, Sir?"
"I did," he admitted, still refusing to look at her. "I noticed you leave the compound and guessed what you were trying to do. It's a rookie mistake, Ackerman, and I'm sure you've worked out why by now."
Mikasa stared at her lap, fiddling absently with the fabric of her skirt. A part of her wanted to spill everything she'd been holding to her chest all this time. The rest of her knew that was a stupid idea.
"You can speak freely in front of me," Levi prompted. "I suspect that, despite whatever differences we've had in the past, we have a lot in common."
"How do you mean, Sir?" Mikasa asked, genuinely curious. Aside from the fact that they were both strong and skilled soldiers, she didn't see that they were much alike at all.
Levi didn't answer her question. Instead, he ran his fingers through his hair and groaned. "Will you quit calling me that?"
"I'm sorry S-Corporal?" Mikasa very clearly didn't understand.
"Levi. My name is Levi. While we're not I uniform, you can use it."
Mikasa was a little taken aback. That was kind of casual, wasn't it? She didn't grow up with a lot of knowledge of the military, but in her time in it, she'd come to know that you were meant to refer to those ranked above you with respect. At least, to their faces.
"Okay…Levi." The word felt foreign on her tongue, but kind of comfortable at the same time. She examined the man before her, noting with intrigue how unhinged he looked. Normally he was so composed, able to do everything with an air of confidence that nobody could deny. For the first time in her life, she was seeing him out of his element.
"The thing is, Ackerman-"
"Mikasa."
"…Come again?"
She shrugged. "I wouldn't feel right calling you by your first name if you didn't address me by mine."
Levi looked slightly surprised by the request, but acquiesced. "Mikasa. We both joined this Corps as a way to acquire something for someone else. Out of necessity, not necessarily choice."
Mikasa had never, ever heard Levi speak of his past before. She'd always assumed that he joined the Scouts for the same reason as everyone else – to save humanity or whatever. Hearing him talk about it not piqued her curiosity like nothing else. It also made her wonder what made her so special all of a sudden. Or did he do this for all the recruits?
"You wanted Jaeger's safety. I wanted…" He trailed off. "It's not important what I wanted. What I'm getting at is that we're one and the same in many ways."
"Alright," she said slowly.
"So I've got a good idea what's going on inside your head. Undoubtedly, you're going through the same things I am. So I figured…" He let his voice wander off once more unable to complete the thought.
"Sir-uh, Levi-I don't properly understand-"
Levi stood suddenly and walked around the desk so that he was by her side. There, he spun her chair and put his hands on the armrests before leaning own so they were face-to-face. Finally, he looked at her, gaze locking on to those grey eyes as though he could just will her to understand.
"Don't mistake this for what it isn't," he said cryptically, and it annoyed Mikasa.
"Mistake what? If you're right and we are alike, you should know how much you're pissing me off right now!" She hadn't meant to be so harsh. But she was worn out emotionally and didn't have enough left in her to deal with puzzle-solving.
"You're strong," he said quietly. "But you're not strong enough to save your comrades. Your friends. All you can do is watch them die horribly, painfully, all alone…and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. And what is it all for? The titans are infinite. They'll just keep coming. You'll never wipe them out. This world isn't kind enough to allow that to happen. This world is cruel. It makes us terrified of death, then flaunts it at us like some sick joke. And you're powerless to stop it."
Mikasa didn't move. Didn't speak. Barely even breathed.
How could he say something so horrible? And yet, it was true. Every word. He just expressed what she was feeling better than she ever could. But why did he have to say it so nastily to her face? Why did he have to say it at all?
And then she realised. Maybe this was what he meant about them being similar. Maybe he wasn't telling her any of this, as such. Maybe he was looking into a mirror, speaking only what he felt in his own heart, as much to himself as anyone else.
Mikasa was stunned. Was that why he'd followed her? Was he looking for a bit of kinship and understanding? Or did he guess that was what Mikasa needed? Or maybe both?
Had anyone else said those words to Mikasa, she would have slapped them clean across the face. But the idea that maybe deep down Levi felt the same as she did, that another human being could actually make sense of the chaos swirling in her own mind; it spurred her into performing a completely different action.
She put her hands on his shoulders and pushed, so he was standing up and not leaning over her anymore. He looked momentarily confused – until Mikasa stood too, all but launching herself at him and claiming him with a kiss.
It wasn't the kind of kiss you'd find in the fairytales your parents read to you. It was the kind of kiss that could melt snow and create steam. It was hot. Levi responded quickly, his hands going to Mikasa's waist, gripping the fabric of her shirt before boldly sliding under it, feeling the smooth skin of her back.
As for Mikasa, one hand wove itself into Levi's hair, while the other locked around his shoulders, holding him there firmly – not that he seemed to have any idea about running away. Tongues battled for dominance, but both were stubborn and refused to let the other win.
Levi moved his lips along her jaw and down her neck, eliciting a soft gasp from Mikasa. She'd never been kissed like this; never even been touched this way. She kind of just figured that her life was too busy for this kind of thing. But, for someone in that situation, she sure was giving herself over so easily. She couldn't explain it – it felt right.
"But wait," she said breathlessly. "Aren't…aren't there rules against this kind of thing?" Mikasa vaguely recalled something about 'fraternisation' in the initial lecture all new recruits were subjected to on their first day.
"Oh, yes," Levi murmured against her skin. "We could get into an awful lot of trouble if anyone found out."
Levi didn't sound like he cared very much, and if Mikasa was perfectly honest, neither did she. It was hard enough for most ordinary people to find someone who could truly say they knew what they were going through; and Mikasa was far from ordinary, as was her whole damn life.
Don't mistake this for what it isn't. What she felt in that moment wasn't love. She didn't love Levi. She didn't even want him. But she needed him.
He was pushy, stubborn, uncompromising, obsessive, and an all-round arsehole to most of the people around him. And yet…and yet, he was able to give her something she craved more than she realised.
Eventually, his lips found hers again, and if there had been any doubt about it before, there was none anymore. She had to have him, now.
So she did.