Hi everyone! It was a long time since I posted anything now.. Doesn't mean it was a long time since I wrote anything though. Recently I've had a problem with how to finish my stories, especially those that are longer. So, my next ones will probably be longer, if I manage to finish them :P Or I'll just write random one-shots in the meantime.. x)
Anyhow, I'd (as usual) like to know what you think! :)
I don't own Beyblade.
Wow. It was so strange to look at the apartment this way. It was so.. big. And empty. I could still remember the day we moved in. We were both full of expectations, about how good it would be to finally live on our own, to build our new lives. It was a big step to move in together, but we figured since we had spent most of our time sharing a room when we were touring with the Bladebreakers, it wouldn't be such a big difference.
We were wrong, of course. Living alone in an apartment together was not the same as sharing a hotel room once in a while. It had worked out in the beginning. We both had our jobs to go to and we really didn't meet that much. Maybe that had been the problem.
I knew even before we moved in together that Rei was special to me. He was different than all the others. First I thought it was because he was the most mature out of them, the calmest and smartest. But I'm not sure if that was it. It wasn't that he was mature, it wasn't that he respected my privacy, it wasn't even the fact that he didn't question me when I was angry for seemingly no reason.. it was none of that, none of that that made me long for him the way I did, heck the way I still do. I really wouldn't mind him snooping around a bit more, I wouldn't mind him questioning me more, I wouldn't even mind him being louder, as long as he was still with me.
I sighed. This was going to be lots harder than I thought. I had promised to meet Tala at lunchtime, well, that wasn't happening for sure. What I had thought would take barely an hour had already taken me the whole morning. I was finished, yes, it was even cleaner here than it had been when we moved in. But I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave the one place I had been able to call home for over two years. I couldn't just go and know I would never be able to come back.
In all my life I had tried to control emotions, and I had gotten pretty good at it apparently. Hell, I had gotten a pro at it, could probably hold classes in it if anyone was interested. I couldn't even let the emotions show to protect the person most important to me. The one person whom I had ever trusted and had supported me wholeheartedly for so many years now. No, I couldn't show him anything. Sure, I had both laughed and cried in his presence, but my deepest emotions I had kept to myself. Until the very end.
We never talked about our relationship. I was happy as long as we could stay together. I was happy just getting a "good morning" in the morning and a "welcome home" when I got home. Or so I thought.
It wasn't until that evening, that I understand it was all pretend. I had gotten so good at faking my own feelings that I hadn't even noticed how I felt about the person whom I met every day, and had met every day for as long as I could remember. I didn't know how much I longed for him, I didn't know how much I depended on him, I didn't know how much i needed him. But I was soon to find out.
I was home late that evening. Rei had made a fantastic dinner for us and I thanked him. He is an amazing chef and I loved the food. We had a great time eating and just talking. It had been a long time since we did that, talking and eating together, and I really enjoyed that. I had missed him, we had both been very busy lately and I had barely seen him for the past days. We were both smiling and enjoying our time together. I didn't see it coming. At all.
"Actually, there's something special I'd like to discuss. If that's okay with you?" He said suddenly.
I nodded and kept eating, I had no idea then how important the next few minutes were for me. I had no idea that the way I reacted to what he had to say would determine my whole future with him. If I had known, maybe I would've been able to for once not hide my true feelings.
"Well.. you remember Mariah? From the White Tigers?"
I just 'hn'ed. How could I forget?
"She has actually been begging me for ages to start dating, and.. I dunno.. she kind of wants an answer right now.. She said she can't wait for me any longer and that I must make my decision."
I looked up from my plate. I knew Mariah had a thing for Rei, come on, who didn't? But I had always thought Rei only thought of her as a sister, therefore I got surprised that Rei was even thinking of accepting her.
"Anyway, I told her I will tell her tomorrow. But I really don't know what to tell her.. What do you think of all this?"
There was plenty of ways to answer that question; "You're not in love with her, are you? Do you really think that'll change?", "Since your not happy about her being in love with you, isn't that answer enough for how you feel?" something that made him realize himself how stupid the whole question was. I could also go with a straight; "Don't do it, you don't love her.", that would've worked just fine.
"If you want to date her, go on. Do you think I care?" I rose from my chair and took my plate and put it in the dishwasher. I didn't wait for him to answer but turned around and walked out of the apartment.
No matter how much I try I can never understand what made me act the way I did. I was hurt, that was for sure, by the fact that Rei suddenly thought he could leave me and go date a girl. But it wasn't like we were in a relationship or anything. Sure we lived together, and maybe got a little bit too cuddly in the mornings. And maybe not everyone bought as expensive gifts for each other as I and Rei did. And not everyone fell asleep in the same bed after a late night... Okay, so we might have been a bit closer than two ordinary room mates, but Rei had never said anything about liking me "that way". He hadn't said anything about liking anyone like that. We talked about lots of things, almost everything. But not of love.
I was caught of guard, even though Rei didn't say anything about accepting Mariah. For me he had already done that by bringing it up. I didn't go home that night.
When I got home the day after I found a note on the table saying "I'm going out with Mariah, will be home late -Rei". I think something broke in me when I saw that note. I couldn't eat, sleep or even think. My thoughts were full of Rei and Mariah, what were they doing? What had he told her? Were they together now?
When Rei got home late that night I was still awake. I had decided to talk to him the morning after. I really should have talked to him the morning after.
"So you decided to make a fool out of yourself by dating a girl you could never love?"
Why couldn't I control my anger the way I could control my other emotions? Well, the truth is I often hid my other emotions with my anger, when I was sad I ended up yelling at someone instead. I thought Rei knew this..
"Who says I can't love Mariah? Unlike others in this room, I'm actually capable of loving other people. And for your information, our date was perfect, we might actually be able to make this work!" Rei's voice was calm but had an edge to it which made me back of. He was definitely scary when he was angry.
"Make it work? Is that how you feel when you're with the one you love? Maybe you're just fooling yourself because your afraid of being alone!"
"At least that's better than having commitment issues like you do! Do you even know what love is Kai? Do you really think I will stay here with you for the rest of my life and never find true love?" Rei's voice was no longer calm. He yelled the last part and looked at me as he wanted to kill me.
I couldn't answer to that. Because the answer was that it was all true. I wanted him to stay with me forever, I wanted him to be happy the way it was, I wanted him to know how important he was to me, I wanted him to know all that.. but I never dared to tell him. There really was no options for what I should have answered him but one. The one and only reason I didn't want him to try out with Mariah wasn't because of him, but me.
After that fight he was home less and less, always hanging out with his new girlfriend. We never talked after that. I tried to be out more and avoid being home when I thought he would be. We kept that going on for about a month before I found another note on the table.
If the last one had broken something inside me. This one broke what was left of me to break. He had left. He was gone. He wasn't going to come back. Maybe we would never see each other again. He didn't left any address and his cell phone laid next to the note. I took it in my hand, as I was afraid to break it. How many times had I not talked with him through this when he was on his way home? How many messages hadn't I sent him when he was at work, just to know he was doing okay? How many photos hadn't he taken of us when we were alone?
I knew his password, and surprisingly he hadn't changed it. What I saw when it opened it made my heart ache. He hadn't changed the background photo either. I had been sure that I would see Mariah smiling back at me, instead I saw my own face, not smiling at all but kind of smirking at the beautiful boy next to me who were smiling to the camera. I put my head in my hands. How could I possibly have let the one person whom touched my heart like no other.. go? Why was I such a coward? He deserved so much more, he deserved someone who could love him unconditionally. Someone who every day could tell him what an amazing person he is, someone who could tell him how beautiful he is, someone who could tell him that they love him.. Hot liquid was now treating to fall out of my eyes. But it wasn't before I opened his in box that I couldn't hold in my tears anymore.
No Mariah. The only conversation that wasn't deleted was the one with me. I clicked on it and read the last text he ever send me; "I have a surprise for you! Well.. It's not much of a surprise, but I've cooked your favorite meal for today's dinner! I know you said you'll be late but I really want to talk to you tonight.. It's been a long time since we had a good talk, don't you think? Please hurry home, and I'll try to have the food ready 'til you get here. Miss you! -Rei". That was when it hit me. He hadn't planned to start dating Mariah at all, he just wanted to see what I thought about him seeing someone else. Hell, he was just asking for my opinion! Why did I have to have such I think brain?
It was too late to find out that then though. He had left me, forever. And there was no turning back. Maybe he had already fallen in love with Mariah.. I would probably never know.
There was too many memories in this apartment. Way too many. I needed to get out. I couldn't just sit here and torture myself. Because that's what it felt like. Torture. Ever since Rei told me about Mariah, my whole life had been a torture. And that was more than half a year ago.
"You have to let go."
I knew he would come. He had confronted me some days after Rei left, I had been a wreck after that so of course Tala had noticed. He knew how I felt about Rei and about Rei leaving. He sat down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. We didn't show affection for each other very often, even though we were good friends, but him being there meant a lot to me.
Originally I wanted to go back to the place we once shared together alone and say good bye properly. But now that I was here I realized that I couldn't say good bye. Good bye to what? To an apartment? That didn't work. I wanted to say good bye to Rei, or rather; not say good bye at all.
With help of Tala I eventually got off the floor and locked the door. We went together to return the keys. It was hard, but living alone in a place that was supposed to be mine and Rei's would be even worse so I knew I did the right thing. How could I ever move on when I kept seeing Rei's presence? When I kept seeing him in every corner, in every room. Just like before.
Instead I moved to a place on my own. Even though I had always preferred being alone, this time I would've liked to live with someone, just to not feel that lonely. But I really had no options. Tala and Bryan lived together and were dating, and I didn't think I could handle anyone else from the Bladebreakers enough to live with them.
My life turned out to be pretty boring; go to work, train, eat, sleep.. I really didn't do anything else. I had never in my life felt so alone and lost in what to do. Nothing was difficult, funny, interesting.. It was like my life had lost its meaning. I knew I should really get out and meet people, but how? I wasn't a very talkative person, I didn't know how to socialize. I didn't really care to either, I didn't want to change, I couldn't change. I wanted to be me, but accepted for it. Accepted the way I once was.
Everything went on routine; I walked the same old way to my work, did the same training routine, went grocery shopping in the same Super Market. I even got recognized there now.
"Hi!" I stopped in my track when I heard a way too familiar voice. Ever since the incident, as I preferred to call it, I had been even less social than before, trying my best to avoid interaction with people. Still, this woman was unbelievable. She always had a way of finding me, trying to find out as many new things about me as possible. I had a strong feeling that she was somehow interested in me, maybe I should have let a few more things about myself slip.
"Hn."
"Kai, I was wondering if maybe you could come home to me today? I have some furniture that I have to move and would really need a strong man like you to help me out!"
"No" I said chilly, no way in hell I would get used by this woman.
"Why?"
Since I never had any plans, I would have to lie. And even though I was good at fooling people about my feelings I was a horrible liar. I couldn't fool a child. It was pathetic, really.
"He's going to be with me."
I froze.
"And who are you?"
"I'm a friend of Kai's."
"I can't remember Kai telling me he had any friends."
"Still, here I am. Kai, are you done so we can leave?"
He didn't wait for an answer but took my hand and led me out, not bothering about the groceries I had planned to buy.
He led me to the park and sat down on the grass. I stood next to him not knowing what to say or do. He hadn't changed a bit. His hair was braided and glowed in the shining sun, I had always had a thing for his beautiful hair. I wanted to touch it, to know what it felt like, but I never had the guts to ask him.
"I'm sorry about that Kai, I know you can manage just fine without my help, I just thought you would need a hand regarding what a terrible liar you are." He smiled a bit when he said that, but I could see that it was a sad smile.
I wanted to say something. To tell him I did not manage without him, that I truly needed him. But my voice was stuck in my throat. I was terrified of saying something wrong, something that would make him leave me again. I didn't know why he was here, but now that he was I never wanted him to go.
"Are you alright Kai?" Rei said and looked right at me. His piercing golden eyes seemed to look right through me and I couldn't look away.
He looked at me for a long time before he rose and stood next to me. He put a hand on my cheek and studied my face carefully. I didn't say anything but could feel my body tense when he touched me. His touch was light, but I could still feel his heat.
"How are things with Mariah?" I know that might not be the best first thing to say, but I couldn't help to ask. I wanted to know why he was here, and if he was still angry with me.
He let his hand drop along with his gaze. He stepped back from me but didn't leave.
"Actually.. not that well. I.. lied that night, our date didn't go that good. We had problems right from the start and yesterday.. Well, we kind of got into a fight and now she won't talk to me."
"So you came to me to get help with your relationship with Mariah?" I asked doubtfully.
Rei shook his head but kept his gaze to the grass.
"Actually, I never wanted to make things work out with Mariah. It was just like you said.. I thought that living with her was better than living alone.. but.. I'm not too sure about that anymore."
"You shouldn't care about what I said, I didn't mean any of that shit." I said quietly.
"I didn't mean what I said either.." Rei said slowly and dared a glance at me.
I remembered Rei happy, carefree and calm. That was not what I saw at all. He looked just as lost as I felt.
"Maybe.. Maybe we should say what we mean instead?"
I nodded slowly. Being completely honest with Rei freaked me out, but loosing him again was even more terrifying. I was trained to suppress my own emotions, to be independent and not have any friends, but the truth was.. I had failed. I wasn't emotionless, I didn't enjoy being alone. I enjoyed having company. And the company I wanted stood right ahead of me.
"I'm not in love with Mariah." Rei said when I kept silent.
He looked at me, motioning for me to tell him something. Well, I guess that was fair.
"I'm glad that you're not."
"Living with her has been hell."
"Living alone has been worse."
"I never wanted to leave."
"I never wanted you to leave."
Rei took a deep breath. The tension between us could've been cut with a knife. It wasn't that easy to tell the truth sometimes, and things had been pretty safe so far. We both knew that we still hadn't reached the important part.
"It was Mariah who forced me to leave you, she didn't like the idea of us living together."
It would've been easy to answer "why?" but since she had seen me with Rei; I was not surprised.
"I don't like the idea of you living with Mariah either."
I stepped closer to Rei. During the years we lived together, I had opened up for him, but I had never done anything past the "friend-zone". When I put my hand on his cheek I felt my own face heat up, but this wasn't the time for being scared. He was back and I had to make him stay.
"I wish we could live together again Rei. I have not been myself since you left. I have drowned myself in regret, regret that I treated you the way I did, regret that I let you leave."
"I wish that too Kai.. I.. I miss you.. But I can't. I can't live with you. Not anymore." His eyes got shiny and he avoided my gaze.
"Why?" I stroke his cheek gently.
"I want to find love Kai. And I'll never do that with you around!" He said angrily and pushed my hand away.
He glared at me, but I could see tears forming in his eyes.
"I will never be able to find someone to love when I'm living with you! 'Cause every time I see you I will want to be with you instead! I can not possibly move on if I keep seeing you around!"
.. Huh?
"It's been too long Kai.. I've spend way too long waiting for you to love me back. I thought that maybe.. just maybe.. you would notice me when I started talking about Mariah. But it was just as I thought, you didn't care at all!"
"Hell I cared!" I screamed back. "How can you say I didn't care?! Have you ever seen me that angry Kon?! I would never had said any of those things if I didn't care! If I wasn't frustrated.. Frustrated that you might be taken away from me."
I had his hands in my grip, holding him tightly so he wouldn't run away.
"You.. you're lying! I don't believe you!"
"You don't believe me? Heck, how am I supposed to believe you? You're the one with a girlfriend, with a social life, why would you want to ruin any of that? Why would you want to be with me when you can have anyone you want?!"
Rei had stopped struggling and was now practically crying on my shoulder. I couldn't help the frustration I felt. How on earth could he not know I was in love with him? After all these years? I thought I had made it completely obvious. And had I not acted like a jealous bastard in the whole Mariah-story? Obviously not, well that's good.
"Because I love you.."
He wrapped his arms around my back and cling on to me hard. I put my arms around him as well and hold him tightly. He smelled so good, I couldn't help breathing in his scent when I laid my chin on his head. I never wanted to let go of him. Not now when I had him. And the way he clung onto me it didn't feel like he wanted that either.
I sunk to my knees pulling Rei to sit in my lap. He was so light, he fit so good to me. I kissed his forehead smiling slightly. If I had knew this would come of waking up today I would've had so much easier getting up from bed this morning. He hadn't said anything about forgiving me, believing me, or even still wanting to be with me. But I guess I hadn't said everything I should either..
"Rei? There's something I want to tell you. I guess I should've just told you from the start.."
He leaned back to look me in my eyes. His eyes were so beautiful. They were shining with tears yes, but it was beautiful tears. Rei was one of few people who was a really beautiful crier, but he had probably never been as beautiful as he was now.
"I don't want you to date Mariah because I want to date you. I want to be the one to make you happy, I won't say protect you because I know you can do that very good by yourself.. but I want to be there to support you. I really love you too Rei.."
Even though he had told me he loved me, I was still nervous. That is, until the first real smile I had seen for a really long time broke out on his face. It was contagious, and I soon found myself smiling too. And for once, I didn't try to hide it. I didn't try to be indifferent. Because, truthfully, I wasn't. When he stole my first kiss without hesitantly I felt whole, and I felt happy. Truly, truly happy. The kiss broke pretty quickly, probably because of my smile. But that was okay, or so it seemed because Rei was still smiling.
"You're even more handsome when you smile, you know that?"
Rei blushed slightly but didn't stop smiling. I put my hands on his waist and took the moment to really look at him, once again fascinating about his beautiful features.
"What should we do now, Kai? Can I.. can I stay with you? Tonight? I don't have anywhere else do go, all my other friends seems to have taken Mariah's "side" in this. Oh, what should I do? When they find out about this, you and me, they'll.."
I put my lips to Rei's again, silencing him.
"It'll be okay. This time everything will be fine. Because this time, I'll try to do everything I've been taught not to."
I smiled slightly and got a beautiful smile in return. I meant what I said. Being a emotionless individual, without feelings or wants might be a way to save yourself from pain and grief. But that wasn't the way I wanted, nor could, live my life. I wanted, needed, Rei. And if that ended in grief, at least I would've once been truly happy.