"The Fellowship of the Fertility Drugs"
This story will actually have chapters! I think I've been writing too many one-shots... I should probably do something a little more productive, like homework or something.

"One Prescription to rule them all, One Prescription to find them,
One Prescription to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In Princeton-Plainsboro, where House and the Ducklings lie."

"Oh yessss almost there, yesyesyes," House chanted, occupied behind Cuddy's desk, thrusting his rigid tool into the tight opening, almost violently. He wiggled the nail file (You're such a pervert. Don't talk to me.) inside the keyhole (Sicko.) angrily, snapping it in half. "What? No, dammit!" Hearing the door creak open, House peered over the side of the desk, breathing a sigh of relief when he realized the intruder wasn't the snappish administrator.

"...House, what are you doing?" Foreman inquired, raising an eyebrow. Suddenly, revelation dawned over his face. "Is your Vicodin in there?"

"Damn straight," the diagnostician muttered, reverting to kicking the side of the desk with his good leg. "That saucy minx cut me off. Evidently, I'm addicted... Homie, give me a hand." He glared at Foreman's skeptical look and frowned. "Or I'm telling the nurses that you're the one who's been swiping mini skirts from their lockers." Foreman immediately dropped to eye level with the keyhole and pulled a bobby pin from his modest fro. Within seconds, a distinct click serenaded the older doctor's ears.

"Ooooh yes," House muttered under his breath euphorically, as he rifled through the various papers in the drawer. "Score!" Triumphantly thrusting a prescription bottle into the air, he quickly popped the cap and carelessly swallowed one of the pills inside.

"Now, let's get out of here before The Man finds us," Foreman said anxiously, peering into the hallway. Craning their heads out from behind the door, the pair nonchalantly made their way to the elevators. As the doors slid closed, the neurologist noticed the curious expression on his employer's face.

"Foreman, this is definitely not Vicodin," House said slowly, running his tongue over his teeth in an uneasy fashion. Simultaneously, they looked down to give the prescription label another glance.

"...Fertility drugs?"

"...That's kind of gross, if I think about it too much." The two doctors stared at each other uneasily. They were going to have a lot of explaining to do to Cuddy, if they didn't act quickly.

---

Chase placed his chin onto the table and frowned in confusion, a forlorn and thoroughly pocked pencil dangling from his lips.

"What ish it?"

"Fertility drugs. I accidentally took them from Cuddy..." Chase poked at the bottle with interest while sucking on his pencil's eraser.

"What'sh it taste like?"

"Like girly stuff. Huh... If they weren't in any of her desk drawers or her purse, where the hell is she keeping my Vicodin...?" Chase stuck out his lips and toppled the prescription bottle onto its side, rolling it across the table top with his finger.

"Can I have one?" Much to his disappointment, his boss snatched them away and stuck them into his pocket. House began to pace the diagnostic room in determined limping strides. Having inadvertently stolen these pills, he knew he had just gotten himself into quite a pickle.

"If Cuddy finds me with these, she's going to have my head!" House raved mournfully. Wilson crossed his arms and sent his friend a doubtful stare.

"And I suppose just giving them back to her isn't an option?"

"When Cuddy realizes they're gone, she'll know I was the one who took them! She just won't have proof yet!"House hissed cynically, ignoring Wilson. "She's been looking for an excuse to give me more clinic hours, and she'll see this as a perfect opportunity."

"Why not just dispose of them?"

"Spoken like a true gangsta, Foreman, but her goons will be all over us until she reclaims them somehow."

"Goons?" Cameron furrowed her brow and twisted her lips to one side.

"The nurses! Don't you pay attention? They're everywhere; watch your backs," House muttered, eyes shifting anxiously. "Here's the plan: We sneak the pills back into her office, exactly where they were. We insist she simply overlooked them and demand compensation for the emotional damage she's caused with her wild accusations."

"But can't we just all get along?" Cameron whispered nervously. House threw up his hands and waved his cane with wild abandon. The immunologist obviously did not understand the intensity and potential danger of their current situation. Choosing to ignore her and her pointless question, he moved onto the next step of action; they needed weapons. Digging into his pockets, House withdrew a small plastic Nerf gun, which he tossed to Foreman.

"Here, I snitched this from some kid in the cancer ward." House ignored the look of outrage he received from Wilson and continued to search his pockets. He tossed a haphazardly bent paperclip towards Cameron. "Make a sword out of that... or something." Nodding in satisfaction as she did what she was told, House turned to face Chase and Wilson. "Now, you two already have looks that could kill. Use it wisely." The two younger doctors grumbled at their lack of fighting utensils, but had to agree with House. After all, the extent of their beauty was pretty much undeniable.

"What's your weapon, House?" Cameron asked innocently. House sneered maliciously and gave a dark chuckle.

"Steve McQueen." On cue, the rat crawled stealthily from House's pant pocket and crawled up to settle onto his shoulder, creating the perfect picture of heroism. As soon as Steve had acquired a firm perch, House's pager began to beep obnoxiously. The diagnostician read the incoming message and narrowed his eyes before announcing the contents to his colleagues.

"It's from Cuddy. She says, 'My office NOW.'" House clipped the pager back onto his belt and gave his cane an experimental swing towards Wilson's head. "Let's do this."

To be continued