Summary: He couldn't let her walk away. She didn't want to walk away. But there was still a distance between them. A 'Partings' denial fic. One-Shot
Disclaimer: See I'm not really sure who owns GG anymore. WB. CW. ASP. DR. Whoever it is, it's not me, that much I know.
Notes: Blame my sister for this. She taped all of Partings except after Lorelai walked away so she forced me this weekend to tell her what happened and then went into denial. So this is the story I made up to further her denial. It takes up where her tape left off, just as Lorelai's turning to walk away from Luke down the street.
Dedication: This story is dedicated to sarahb2007, who is so worried that Luke and Lorelai aren't going to get back together next season. Have faith! These two belong together!
This Rain Will Wash Away What's Past
"Lorelai!"
A short distance away from where she stood, the lady troubadour continued on with her song about places she's gone. To her left, a band of troubadours sang about a beaver eating their thumb. All over town square there was music from zillions of troubadours filling the air with sound. But she couldn't hear any of it. And she slowly turned around to face him and froze.
She could perceive the intensity radiating from his eyes from a block away where she stood.
"Don't."
It was all he could think of to do. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know how to respond. All he knew was that he couldn't let her walk away.
He took a step towards her.
Would you just stand still?
She shook her head quickly. Had he really said that? As she stared at him from a distance away, she could almost imagine that his expression was the same as it was that night on the porch of the Dragonfly.
"Stay there."
He took another step towards her, his gaze still focused on her.
We'll miss our middle. I want a middle.
He stopped. Did she say that? No, that's what she was saying though the misery imprinted on her face and the tears streaming from her eyes. That's what she had been trying to tell him. She wanted more than what he was giving her, pieces of him, a few parts of his life. She wanted to share his life with him, to create a middle with him.
By getting back together, they had been given a beginning. It was time to begin the middle. She knew that. She knew they couldn't have a middle living in two different places, living two different lives. Their middle had to consist of them, their family, their life together as one. That's all she wanted. A middle.
This thing we're doing here. You. Me. I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in.
She watched him continue advancing towards her. She was in too. She was all in. She had thrown every part of herself into this. She had opened up her heart and soul to him and left herself completely vulnerable. She was not out. She couldn't get out. She didn't begin to know how to get out.
He paused, finally standing in front of her. Just a few inches of space between them.
And then the thunder struck, a loud boom reverberating through the sky. But neither of them reacted, as if neither of them heard it. They just stood there, staring at each other, trying to speak to each other wordlessly, trying to make each other understand through his eyes, her tears, his uncertain expression, her open and honest eyes.
But when the rain started neither of them could ignore it. He tore his eyes from her to look up at the sky, as if checking to make sure that the water soaking his skin was actually coming from above.
This is more than weather. This is fate.
And he looked back at her, seeing her expectant gaze. For the first time actually noticing the tears streaking down her cheeks and more than that, the pain in her eyes, the downward curve of her lips. It was as if the rain was washing away the fog that had covered his eyes since discovering April. He was seeing her, really seeing her. The special power of observation he had once had to understand her, to really get her, that he had used when she was missing Rory or having financial difficulties, it had gotten covered up with the mud of responsibility. It was hidden beneath his obligation to April.
She just stood there. Letting the tears fall. Wrapping her arms around herself as she shook from the relief of having said what she said to him, of being able to unload the burden she had been carrying since the postponement of her wedding.
But she didn't dare move. She didn't dare walk away. Because she knew if she turned around now, if she took one step away from him, she would lose everything and possibly even herself.
"Neither, Lorelai. I'm not saying now. I'm not saying never. I'm saying neither now nor never."
She choked out a sob in response. It was still the same. He hadn't heard a single word she said.
"I can't do this Luke. I can't do this anymore. This whole not now but not never thing. No. I'm through with it. I can't live my life in limbo. We've been doing this little limbo dance for five months now. And I can't do it anymore. I'm tired. I can't bend under the damn bar anymore! Do you know I turned thirty-eight last month?"
"Yeah, I was at the birthday celebration your parents threw."
"It wasn't a celebration for me. It wasn't even happy anymore! And I love my birthday, I love it, Luke! It's my own Thank God There's Lorelai Gilmore In The World Day. And I couldn't be happy. Because I'm old enough that if I was ever going to get married and have a family anymore now's the time to do it before I turn around and see the chalk line behind me. And you're the only one that could keep that from happening. Because I love you. Because I choose you. Because I want to marry you! God, Luke! Do you even want to marry me anymore?"
"I…" She held up her hand.
"Stop. Take a moment. Really think about it. Really think it over. Don't say you want to marry me just because it's the easiest thing to say or because you gave me this damn ring or because you spent 10 years loving me. I want you to really mean it."
He looked down at the ground. Ten years. Had it been that long? He could still picture her the day she first came in the diner, some crazy dress on with beads hanging off of it, her curly hair flying around her, and that expression on her face, the one that could light up the darkest corners in Alcatraz. He had known it then. He had known it nine years later when she gazed up at him with those irresistible eyes, looking at him as if he were the only thing she could really depend on, the only person she could really trust to always be there.
"Yes, Lorelai. I do."
She knew the way he had looked away, that he had really thought about it. She saw him processing it in his head, weighing the options, trying to decide if she was the one for him. He was the one for her. She had known it for a year now. She knew it the moment that she had proposed to him, when she had realized that he loved her daughter, he loved her and he was her rock. And for a few days, she had questioned it, but it was still true. He was the one, the only one.
"You know. That day, I mean the day after I put everything together with June 3rd, that day I was sitting on our bed staring at the dress I had just purchased. And I questioned it. I wondered if it had all been too easy. But as I stared at the dress, I had this picture in my mind. Not of our wedding. Of us. You and I. We're on the porch, on the swing, just sitting there drinking a beer, your arm around me. We can hear the kids in the backyard playing with Rory. I didn't know about April yet so these were just our kids. And we're on the swing just talking. Just talking about normal things. Talking about our days. Talking about what to have for dinner. Talking about which kid threw whipped cream at Kirk in preschool that day."
"Kirk teaches preschool?"
"Sure, why not? He's had every other job in the book. But it was just us. Settled. Married. Together. Did you ever have a dream like that? I don't mean a 'hey I think this is a woman I'd like to marry someday' kind of a dream, but a real dream. Do you ever imagine us married?"
He looked away for a moment. He could picture her dream. He could see them on her porch swing. He could hear the kids. He could hear her laughter. He could see her smile. He could see and hear it all because it was the same dream he'd always seen. It was the image that had been in his mind as long as he'd known that his love for her. And the picture in his mind at that moment was only slightly altered with the addition of April's laughter in the background.
"Yes. I saw it the first time I looked in your eyes the day you gave me that horoscope. I saw it the night I kissed you for the first time at the inn. I saw it the night you proposed to me and the night I put that ring on your finger. And it's still there. It's in your eyes. The same dream. I see it Lorelai, I've always known it was there."
"Then why can't we make our dreams a reality? Why do we have to wait anymore?"
With that question, they both froze. Both letting the realization hit them, that everything they've gone through in the past months has been due to the fact that those dreams remained as images in their minds rather than becoming goals for the near future. As this dawned on them, they both let out the breath each had been holding and looked away.
Suddenly she was cold. She could finally feel the rain teeming from the sky. She could feel it drenching her skin and making her dress stick close to her body. Rather than drowning her, she could feel it absolving her of the anxiety she had felt since the conversation with Lynnie.
As he looked back at her, he could see the water dripping from the tips of her hair. He could see the rain washing away her tears. He could see the shower releasing her of her insecurities about the future and about him.
And then he saw her shiver.
He reached out, grasping her upper arms, pulling her to him. She remained with her arms crossed but let herself lean slightly into his body as he moved his arms to wrap around her. He held her close in an attempt to stop her shivers with the warmth of his body.
"It doesn't have to be tonight."
Her soft whisper buzzed through his ears. And he knew what she meant. He knew that she was taking her ultimatum off the table but not removing the sentiment that went along with it.
"It has to be soon. We'll plan it Lorelai. We'll plan it together. That way it will be our wedding. All ours. Just ours. Just us. Just as long as we do it together."
And with that she let go of her restraints. She unwrapped her arms from hugging her body to reach up under his arms and grip the backs of each of his shoulders, pulling herself against him. And again she no longer felt the cold rain. She just felt him. She just felt safe. She felt secure.
He looked down at her, silently begging her to look up at him. And he didn't have to wait long for her to do just that. And he heard her silent reply.
You're going to kiss me now? So incredibly predictable.
He tipped his head down to capture her lips with his, light at first, almost hesitantly, as if he was unsure whether she had completely let go of the anger she had held when she walked into the diner. But she pressed her lips back against his, letting him know that she is free from the angst that was holding her back from him.
And they kissed again. First a few short sweet, gentle kisses, placed at the corners of the mouth. Then tilted their heads for a long tender kiss and again. Kissing languidly. Opening their mouths to each other. Their tongues crashing in a dance of passion and need. Moaning as desire fills them.
And when they ceased to gain all their warmth from each other as the rain continued to pour from the sky, they pulled back. Both wanting more, but needing to get out of the rain. And so they strode quickly to the house, to finish their dance of love, to absolve themselves of the walls they had put up to keep each other out, to show each other that they were both all in, permanently.