"Is he an expert in things that have never ever happened?"

Prologue: Being Born

This is a story about an alien. He was the most humble of aliens, traveling from world to world to share the miracle of evolution. It was said intelligent life grew out of his very footsteps.

But his gift turned out to be a curse. At the height of his infinite knowledge and his miraculous technology, the alien was able to see one particular planet was heading toward a catastrophic future. He foresaw that one day, when he would be no more, this planet's dominant species would unravel their own intelligence by making a certain movie that tried to be an entertaining prequel of a certain other movie but only succeeded in making people angry on the internet. He instantly felt regret for ever visiting this planet and setting its microbial inhabitants on a course for disaster. In an attempt to prevent this horrible tragedy from ever occurring, he poisoned himself and fell into a river.

This is a story about a bunch of morons who descended from that alien.

Part I: Getting to Know Each Other

David worked diligently at his console. Being an android, he had taken up the quirky hobby of freelance writing to pass his free time. He mumbled to himself in rhythm with his keystrokes.

"And then, under Kagami's careful supervision, Yuuhi unleashed approximately .04 pints of his progenitor goo into Chidori's..."

His train of thought was derailed like Ridley Scott's career when a nearby comm speaker clicked on. Vickers spoke to him through the static.

"David, we've reached orbit. You're needed on deck."

The rest of the crew had already assembled by the time David reached the front of the ship. Vickers was taking charge as usual, and Janek was becoming impatient with her.

"So, Vickers, now can you tell us exactly why we're here?"

The team's self-appointed and ambiguously female leader shot back with an angered glare.

"David will give you the details once we reach the surface. And I told you to call me Dr. Frank-N-Furter."

Vickers thrust her pelvis at empty space and threw her arms into a Broadway pose for no specific reason.

"Now that that's settled, I would like you all to meet my medical droid, Droidy."

A small automaton rolled up beside Vickers. It spoke in a high-pitched monotonous voice.

"Hello I am Droidy I am Dr. Frank-N-Furter's personal surgical apparatus I am calibrated only to service male patients."

Vickers snarled seductively toward no one in particular. Janek and Holloway turned toward one another with puzzled looks, shook their heads in unison, then pretended they didn't hear what had just been said. Vickers next waved her hand toward a table of random scientific equipment on her opposite side.

"And this is our cranial electron transmitter. We're bringing it along in case we ever get bored and feel like reenacting scenes from the Will Smith Wild Wild West movie."

David suddenly burst with robotic joy.

"Ooh! Ooh! Will I be able to repeat the line 'That's a man's head' over and over again until it becomes completely unfunny and annoying?"

"No, David."

David frowned when he received this most dreadful news.

Shaw scratched her head in confusion when she spoke next.

"So... what's with the old dude with the secret cryotube and the powersuit in the bottom of the ship?"

Vickers rolled her head back and giggled deviously before she answered.

"Oh, that's just Jacob Hargreave. He said he was working on some sort of dark and gritty Power Rangers reboot. He's been financing most of Weyland's operations, so he figured he'd come along and try to bum off our research."

Shaw seemed surprised by this.

"Whoa, really?"

"Yeah. Jacob Hargreave."

"I was expecting it to be old man Weyland playing puppetmaster behind the scenes or something."

"No, that would've been a completely predictable and unoriginal plot twist. It's Jacob Hargreave."

Vickers then turned toward the rest of the crew.

"That's enough for formalities. Fifield, Millburn, take your maps and explore the southwest quadrant. The rest of will start northwest and move clockwise around the ship."

Fifield and Millburn saluted her, then aimlessly wandered in the exact opposite direction while laughing like a couple of dorks. The last time anyone ever saw them, they were using their state-of-the-art, highly experimental holographic projector to play Lollipop Chainsaw.

After Moe and Curly made their grand exit, Holloway diverted his attention toward his android colleague.

"Hey, David, do you think we'll find any artifacts left behind by our alien creators that can turn people into super-powered mutants through physical contact?"

David answered as if he had just been asked the time of day.

"Absolutely."

Holloway stopped to think to himself. He walked away murmuring under his breath.

"Thank God Sophia Esteed part of the team."

The Prometheus crew made their way to the surface of LV-223, where their horrifying yet hilarious doom awaited them.