"We're all right, you know," he says, "You and me. Okay?"
My chest aches, and I nod.
"Nothing else is all right." His whisper tickles my cheek. "But we are."
-'Insurgent', Veronica Roth
A jolt of movement woke Kensi from her uneasy sleep, leaving her disoriented. It was loud, a harsh and constant thundering that pressed in on her body, squeezing and pounding until every inch of her was bruised and throbbing. The surface underneath her lurched roughly every few seconds, and her cheek pressed against something warm and solid.
Deeks.
Kensi let out a shaky breath, fuzzy images of the last day flashing through her mind in a blur. Her mission was over, she was going home.
"Hey, sleeping beauty," She could barely hear Deeks' voice over the roar over the helicopter, but she could feel his breath fanning over her face and making her eyelashes flutter as he turned to look down at her. He ran a his thumb across her forehead, the helicopter jostling just a bit as he brushed the cut on her temple, and Kensi suppressed the urge to wince. She didn't say anything to him, didn't trust her voice to be strong enough to carry over the noise. Instead, she just moved closer to him, the millimeters of empty space between their bodies suddenly seeming far too wide, and let his arm tighten around her sore body. She didn't mind the ache.
One of her hands found her way to his, tangling their fingers together in a knot of bruised knuckles and nailbeds that had been chewed raw in moments of fear and anxiety.
Deeks squeezed her hand, just firm enough for her to feel it but light enough that she wondered for just a moment if it was only her imagination and the movement of the helicopter. A few seconds later, Kensi let her eyes slip closed again, somehow comforted into sleep by the steady noise and the feeling Deeks' thumb tracing circles on her palm.
...
They never talk about it, but they both end up at his house that night. It's dark when they finally walk through the door, and it's cliched but Kensi can't help but think how the stars look prettier here, more familiar. Deeks' hand lingers on the small of her back, like he's worried she'll sprout wings and fly away.
His apartment is almost exactly how she remembers is. The blanket they always ended up wrapped up in together in the middle of the night was thrown over the back of the couch, looking like it hadn't been touched in a while. The same magazines were tossed on the coffee table, Monty's bed was still sitting in the corner. She nodded at it, "Where's your buddy?" Her voice was hoarse, tired.
"Nell picked him up today after I left this morning. So he's probably living it up in Puppy Paradise." A small smile flashed across Deeks' features, and he looked up to meet her eyes. "I should ask her to drop him off in the morning. He's missed you."
"Yeah, that'd be nice," Kensi mirrored his tiny smile, oddly excited to see the mutt.
It was quiet between them for several moments, caught somewhere between the stifling weight of everything that still needed to be said, and the easy comfort of being in the same room again.
Deeks turned to her, eyes running over all her visible cuts and scapes. "We should, ah, we should probably get you cleaned up."
Kensi nodded, letting him lead her into the bathroom. He helped her peel off her jacket and sweater, making her sit down on the counter while he dabbed at the cut on her forehead with a warm washcloth. His touch was gentle, almost hesitant, like he was afraid that if he pressed too hard she would shatter. She surprised herself when realized she didn't care; after so much brutality, she welcomed a gentle hand.
Her eyes caught his, and she tried to convey to him as best she could without words just how grateful she was.
When he was satisfied, Deeks helped her down and turned on the shower. He looked at her, just a bit uncomfortably, for a second or two. "I'll get you some clothes to change into, you sure you can handle this?"
Kensi smiled, and it reached her eyes this time. "Yeah, I've got it."
"Okay, I'll be right outside if you need anything."
The door clicked shut behind him, and Kensi began peeling away the remaining layers of clothing. She tried hard to pay attention to what she was doing, but not see any of the wounds marking her body. And there were a lot of them, from tiny, shallow scrapes to long jagged lines that were engraved deeper into her skin. The warm water stung every wounded inch of her, splashing and pooling around her feet.
Reaching up to run a hand through her wet hair, Kensi winced. A cut on her shoulder blade, shallow but unfortunately placed, prohibited her from raising her arm high enough. Her eyes felt hot with tears and she was just about to break when she heard the bathroom door click open again, Deeks leaving her clothes.
She took a shaky breath, telling herself that it was okay to be weak sometimes, it was okay to ask for help. "Deeks?" Her voice was just barely loud enough for him to hear, quiet and shaking.
"Yeah?"
"Can you, uh- I need a little help," It was a strange feeling, admitting that she couldn't do something on her own.
"Sure, yeah, of course." Deeks mumbled, and Kensi could hear him taking off his clothes. A surge of warmth coursed through her- embarrassment? excitement? -she hadn't thought about that.
A second later, the shower curtain pulled back and Deeks stepped in. His eyes scanned her body, but not in the way he had all those weeks before. He didn't look at her with the dark, hungry eyes that had once stared her up and down, like he was going to devour her. No, this time his eyes were just sad. He didn't see her breasts or stomach or her legs, only saw the bruises and cuts that covered her. Suddenly Kensi felt the need to cover herself, ashamed of the shape she was in.
As she was fumbling, attempting to hide some of the wounds with her arms, Deeks took a step forward, fingers wrapping around her wrist. Kensi dragged her eyes up to meet his, the same clear blue she'd once felt like she could drown in, and wasn't sure that would be such a bad thing.
Deeks' hand came up to touch her cheek, "You're beautiful, you know that?" His tone was solemn, reverent; eyes searching her face for some sort of response. Kensi smiled under the spray of the water, bringing her hand up to cover his, cradling his fingers in her own and pressing a kiss to his palm. There was a lot that needed to be said between them, but that could wait. Now, after so much time spent apart, they had each other, and that would have to be enough.
So Kensi let him help wash her hair, smiling when he pulled the bottle of shampoo he'd gotten her down from a shelf. He helped her lather the soap over her body, massaging the bubbles into her back and shoulders. Everywhere he touched felt new again, clean of all the dirt, blood, remorse and guilt she'd been carrying around with her.
When Deeks was sure she was sufficiently clean, he wrapped Kensi in a towel and she let him help pat her dry. She pulled on the LAPD t-shirt he gave her and handed him back the sweatpants for himself. Neither of them said a word as they walked to his bedroom, assuming the same unspoken agreement they had all those years ago in the undercover house. As Kensi pulled the blanket over herself, she couldn't help but think of the last time she'd been in this bed. That night seemed like a lifetime ago.
Rolling over, Kensi found herself against Deeks' chest. His arm wrapped around her waist and she let her hand lay on his chest. Exhaling, she breathed what felt like her first breath in months.
"I missed you," The phrase seemed insufficient, so quiet that she doubted he even heard it, but Kensi couldn't think of anything else to say. Being in Afghanistan, being away from him, had been hard. Harder than she'd ever expected. She'd missed his constant babbling and his playful smirks and the way his eyes lit up when he made her laugh. She'd missed how he always knew the right thing to say to her and the annoying little things he did like tapping his fingers on the armrest in the car or constantly shuffling his papers at his desk. For months, all she'd wanted was to go home to her partner. And then it all went to hell and she never thought she'd see Jack again but there he was and suddenly she wasn't so sure she'd live long enough to make it home.
But as she lay in Deeks' arms, she felt a tiny sliver of hope. Tomorrow morning, she'll have to wake up and face the world. Tomorrow, she'll have to face everything she's done and everything that's happened. Everything in her life had been turned on it's side, and she'll have to pick up the broken pieces soon. But this time, she won't have to do it alone. Everything else may be wrong, but right now, in this bed with her partner, his breathing evening out to let her know that he's slipped away into a dream, she can't be bothered to think about it.
Just like the wounds on her body, everything else can be mended, too.