Author's note:
This is basically a song fic based upon one of the characters in our local White Wolf Vampire the Masquerade LARP. The character of Rik Cane is the Sherriff of the Fief and former Malkavian Primogen. If you want to know the whole twisted backstory of this, email me.The Real Rik Cane
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Rik Cane please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Rik Cane please stand up?
We're going to have a problem here…
Ya'll act like you never seen a vampire before
Jaws all on the floor, like Ted and Blondie just burst in the door
Starting to whoop her ass worse then before
First exploding a sewage works now throwing her all over the elysium (scream)
It's the return of the
(Ah wait, no way, you're kidding, he didn't just say that he's back, did he?)
And then Abel said…
Nothing you idiots Abel's dead, he's locked in the toilet (ha, ha)
Slippery Settites love Rik Cane
Chicka chicka chicka Rik Cane I'm sick of him
Look at him walking around waving his you know what,
Shooting at you know who (yea but he's Malkavian though)
Yeah I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But no worse then what's going on in the Graveyard
Sometimes I want to go mad and just let loose
But can't, though its okay for Omar to become a Snake
My stake is at your throat, My stake is at your throat
And if I'm lucky you'll suck up like a goat
And that's the message that we deliver to the Sabbat
And expect them not to know why there have been so many hunters
Of course there gonna know what Thaumaturgy is
By the time they read a book in 4th grade
They got the bible don't they?
We ain't nothing but kindred, well maybe some of us Ghouls
Who drink out from people like animals
But if we can kill Kine and Lupines like antelopes
Then there's no reason that Phoebe and Father Jack can't elope
But if you feel like I feel I got the antidote
Lady Catherine wave your petticoats, sing the chorus, here it goes
*chorus*
I'm Rik Cane
Yes I'm the real Cane-ite
All you other Rik Cane's are just acting like fake shites
So won't the real Rik Cane…
Please stand up, please stand up, please stand up
'Cause I'm Rik Cane
Yes I'm the real Cane-ite
All you other Rik Cane's are just acting like fake shites
So won't the real Rik Cane…
Please stand up, please stand up, please stand up
Rik Cane don't have to write letters of apology to the council,
Well Ted does, so F**k him and F**k you too.
You think I give a damn about the council
Half of the Primogen can't stomach me, let alone stand me.
But Rik, if you were the Primogen, wouldn't it be weird?
Why, so you guys could just lie to get me here?
So you can sit me here next to Blondie?
Rebekkah better switch me chairs.
So I can sit next to Omar and Connor McGann
And here 'em argue whether Abigail's really a man.
Little bitch argue with me in the middle of a meeting,
"Yeah he's cute but I'm Primogen now, hehe!"
I should bring a tape recorder to the next meeting
And let the whole fief know how much you scream.
I'm sick of you little neonates, all you do is annoy me.
So I have been sent here to destroy you.
And there's a million of them dressed like me,
Who shoot like me, who just don't give a f**k like me,
Who bitch, walk, talk and act like me,
Who just might be, the next best thing, but not quite me.
*chorus*
I'm Rik Cane
Yes I'm the real Cane-ite
All you other Rik Cane's are just acting like fake shites
So won't the real Rik Cane…
Please stand up, please stand up, please stand up
'Cause I'm Rik Cane
Yes I'm the real Cane-ite
All you other Rik Cane's are just acting like fake shites
So won't the real Rik Cane…
Please stand up, please stand up, please stand up
I guess there's a Rik Cane in all of us…. Let's all stand up.