"Goddammit, Tegan! Look at me!" Sonia roared at her first born, who was hunched on the peach-coloured leather sofa. Her reddened and tear-sullied face was buried in her trembling hands. She could not look at her mother. Not anymore. Not now that her mother had discovered possibly the darkest and most painful of secrets – a secret she had always planned on taking with her to the grave. There's no way out of this, she thought hopelessly and sensed a cutting ache building up in her chest.
"TEGAN!" her mother exploded once again, this time her voice sent frightening vibrations all throughout the living room strewn with pastel colours. Her mother's household was usually inviting, as well as comforting. But today would prove to possibly be the last day such space would be anything but inviting to her.
Tegan tried her very best to pull herself together, but she struggled. She was desperate for calm to whelm her shattered being. She wanted to stop crying. She wanted to be able to talk to her mother. After all, she always saw her mother as one of those friends someone was fortunate to have, especially when they needed someone to turn to when they were at their lowest.
But here she was. The lowest she had ever been in her entire life. Right before her mother whose shouts and flustered movements were doing nothing to appease her. As much as she wanted the waterworks to stop, they just kept coming.
Seeing her daughter, with her hands over her face and sobbing unceasingly, crumbling like an autumn leaf beneath a heavy footstep, Sonia pressed on air with flat hands and took a deep breath. It hadn't occurred to her earlier, but she realized that she needed to be calm in order for Tegan to be, too. At the back of her mind, however, she thought that she couldn't be blamed for the way she reacted. Tegan's secret, one that was shared with her second born, was simply too much to take. It was too much to handle, especially for her. She was their mother. Sonia believed that completely losing it was a reasonable initial reaction to the discovery.
She sat down next to Tegan calmly, her body barely making a sound when it came into contact with the leather sofa. "Tegan… Honey…" Sonia hushed and put a hand on Tegan's back that was starting to dampen with sweat possibly caused by tremendous fear and anxiety. The rage – and disgust – Sonia had felt gradually dissipated upon touching her daughter. At that moment, all she wanted to do was comfort Tegan. Her daughter, although a capable and strong 32 year-old woman, was clearly in great emotional distress; physical pain was also a possibility among the range of sensations Tegan was burdened with. It reminded Sonia of the times when her daughter was 4 years old, shaking in fear against her, whenever she heard malevolent roars coming from the sky during thunderstorms. She wanted to make her daughter feel better – safe, even. But there was still a headstrong part of her that would not let the matter go. There was no way in hell she would let it go.
It took twenty minutes for Tegan's tears to stop deluging her flushed face and for her to finally be pacified. A long moment of calm and quiet was really all that she needed. Within that span of time, Sonia went to the kitchen to pace around for a few minutes, devising a monologue in her head which she would express to Tegan once her daughter had gotten it together and was ready to talk. She also used the time to contact her second born, Sara, who was just as much as involved in the dissonance. It was only sensible that she was there with them, too, even though the revelation took place in her absence. Sara had gone on a day-out with an old friend who was based in Vancouver. Sonia sent her daughter a text message dazed with urgency, telling her to come to her house immediately. Okay. Be there in 15 was Sara's reply.
Before returning to the living room with a glass of water for Tegan, Sonia took a moment to ponder on how her twin daughters had gotten themselves into the abysmal pit they were in. As she leaned against the sink right below exquisite off-white kitchen windows, and watched as the Vancouver sunset tint the sky with hues of orange and crimson, she wondered. What had she missed then? What had she done wrong? I let them be on their own too much, she thought as she let a single tear trickle down her cheek. She exhaled, shook her head and wiped her cheek. She returned to her daughter who she knew was practically dying on the inside.
Sonia handed Tegan the glass of water and sat next to her. This time, her body language was largely purposeful. She wanted her daughter to know that she was desperate for an explanation. She was already aware of the who and the what; what she desired to know right at that moment was the when, where and why.
Tegan took a small sip from the glass. She still had trouble looking at Sonia right in the eye; she couldn't even blink at her direction. She placed the glass on the coffee table, bowed her head and let out a rather heart-wrenching sigh.
"Tegan…" Sonia started, "Talk to me." Tegan finally lifted her head and looked at her mother.
"Mom," Tegan uttered, a clear hesitance in her raspy voice, "Mom, I –" She faltered.
"I need you to tell me everything, Tegan." Sonia's head tilted gently, almost as if she was pleading. She wanted her daughter to comprehend that she yearned for an explanation, but she also needed her to know that she was still their mother – one with incomparable compassion, who still loved her in spite of everything and wanted only the best for her and her twin sister.
Tegan closed her eyes and took possibly one of the deepest breaths she had ever taken in the entirety of her life. This was it. The one person whom she and Sara never wanted to cause pain to with their twisted secret, this one person – their mother – was going to know everything. Everything. In her head, thoughts of what could happen once she laid everything out for her mother were swimming, like schools of fish clashing in the depths of a dark ocean. Terrified was an understatement when it came to describing how she felt. Her eyes began to water. But somehow, she managed to blink the tears threatening to trickle away.
"Mom," she said through her breath while looking intently at a spot on the worn-out blue carpet. "Sara and I… We love each other…" Sonia shut her eyes hard for a moment and gave a nod, a signal that she wanted Tegan to continue.
"I'm in – we love each other. I mean, we always have..." Tegan's head descended again and she looked at her hands quivering on her lap. "It was normal, innocent love… At first, it was. I loved Sara in a way a sister is supposed to love her sister. And I still do, Mom." Her fearful face began to contort and her eyes glassy.
"But you're in love with her now. You have romantic feelings for her." Sonia wanted to somehow make it a bit easier for her daughter. She already knew they were in love; she was no longer oblivious to the fact that they loved each other in a way they were not supposed to. But what she was really desperate for was an explanation. She was eager for Tegan to get to the point, even though she knew that the conversation they were having was anything but uncomplicated.
Tegan nodded and without warning, she began to sob uncontrollably. Her hands found their way to her face again. Sonia gasped and put a hand over her mouth, while the other reflexively gave gentle rubs on Tegan's back. She started to cry with her daughter. Even though she knew that what Tegan felt for her other daughter was ill, wrong and outright scandalous, her innate empathy as a mother made her imagine what Tegan must have been feeling now that the twisted secret was known to her. She moved closer to her daughter and pulled her in for an embrace intended to soothe not just Tegan, but her as well.
Tegan held her mother and cried into her shoulder. Her sobs were heavy with fear and shame. "I – I'm – I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Mom. I – I…" Her cries were so anguished that she had trouble talking – breathing, even.
Sonia looked up at the ceiling and tried to contain the increasing tears from flooding her face. "Shhh… Just. Tegan, just…" she murmured. "I don't want you to hurt each other. Don't do this to each other, Tegan." Sonia felt the need to finally let it out. Drawing an explanation out of Tegan was no longer the agenda. Setting things straight regarding what she wanted to happen to them and what she wanted for them – saving them, basically – was what she believed was most important.
She was greatly aware that her words were capable of crushing her daughter, whom she was still holding and trying to comfort. But she had to say it. As their mother, she knew that there would be no happy ending for them if they continued their taboo relationship. Moreover, she wanted her to know that she was not going to condone it – let alone accept it. Sure, she had allowed them to make their own decisions at a very early age; she let them be whoever they wanted, let them do whatever it was that made them happy and made them feel fulfilled; but not this time. She put it out there, what she believed was best for them. And what was best for them was to end what they had for good.
"You hear me, Tegan? Don't do this. Don't do this to me. It's got to stop. It just has to," Sonia whimpered softly, but with an apparent sternness in her voice. She pushed the lower half of her face into her daughter's dishevelled locks, a gesture that said: It's going to be okay. I'm here to make it all better for you and Sara. But what you have going on is waiting to become a tragedy, that's why it has to stop.
Tegan could not say anything. She buried her face deeper in the crook of her mother's neck and went on sobbing like a young child whose doll had just been taken away from her. The agony in her cries had multiplied upon hearing her mother's firm words, and the feeling of wanting to die literally was gradually taking over. She knew she could not let go of Sara. She loved her twin sister with every bit of her. She believed resolutely that they were conceived together so that they could be together for the rest of their lives; for her, they were made for each other. The potential demise of the music career they worked so hard for did not even occur to her. All that mattered to her was being with Sara. As she had promised her long ago – through thick and thin – she was going to stay with her twin sister, who was the love of her life and her soulmate.
Deep inside her, however, was also an understanding that she could not defy her mother. No matter how painful it was. Furthermore, Sonia was right. Although she refused to accept it, she knew that she and Sara really were a tragedy waiting to happen.
As mother and daughter held each other – the former quietly weeping and the latter bawling with all her might – the front door opened raucously. There was a pause before the door clicked shut with barely a sound. From the foyer and into the dim and sullen living room emerged Sara. Her facial expression was nothing short of bewildered and her eyes were immediately glossed with worry.
"Mom?" she said in a reluctant tone, anxiously eyeing the two women who mattered most to her huddled on the sofa. Sonia raised her head and her red, wet eyes met those of her second born. "Mom, what's going on?" Sara mumbled; fear was building up within her. She looked at Tegan, whose face was still in the crook of Sonia's neck.
"Sara," Sonia gestured for her to take a seat on the black La-Z Boy across the sofa, "We have to talk about something."
Tegan slowly looked up when her sister's name rung in her ears. She was whimpering, her breaths laboured and her face far from what it had looked like when she arrived in her mother's home earlier that noon. Sara's eyes widened upon seeing the sorrow plastered on the face identical to her own. Tegan's expression implied: Please don't leave me. No matter what happens, stay with me. A lump was forming in her throat as she remembered what her mother had said. They had to talk about something.
Sara was someone who possessed an alert rationale. She was also gifted when it came to reading body language. Thus, she picked up on the entire situation in a matter of seconds. Basing on the manner her mother spoke to her, and the pitiful condition her sister was in, Sara knew. She knew that their mother finally knew. The mere thought made her stomach churn and her head spin on the spot.
She broke eye contact with her sister and turned away so as to avoid seeing her mother's face. "I – I…" she fumbled and paced around.
Sonia let go of Tegan, who immediately distanced herself from her mother. Sonia faced Sara full-on. She appeared unrelenting but visibly upset, "Sara, I know you and your sister have been –"
Before Sonia could even continue her sentence, Sara pivoted frantically on her heel and went for the door. "Oh my god! I – I can't do this. I – I'm – I'm s – so sorry." she exclaimed as she hurriedly turned the knob and stormed out of her mother's home.
The door slammed shut and the sound was enough to drive Tegan to quickly get up and be on her feet. A stunned demeanour became evident on Sonia's face. Tegan darted for the same exit her sister used seconds earlier to do what had always been easy for her whenever she was in a difficult situation – escape.
"Tegan! Where are you going?!" Sonia stood up and shakily put a hand on her waist. She was tempted to follow suit, but the tightening sensation in her chest prevented her from doing so.
"I'm going after her."