It had seemed like a very nice gesture at first. Elrond wanted to make peace with the dwarves so he gave everyone in the company a lovely up-scale Middle-earth smart phone. 'It has all the latest features,' Elrond promised.
'Why bother,' Thorin sneered. 'Where we are going, we'll never have any coverage.'
'Not so,' Elrond promised. 'These have all the latest enchantments. You should get a decent signal even underground!'
On hearing this, everyone immediately used their daggers to rip open the theft-proof plastic packaging. After a few bloody fingers were bandaged, they were good to go.
It had all been fine at first while they were still in Rivendell, but once they hit the road disaster struck. First Bilbo received a text that the Sackville-Baggins were making a play for Bag End. 'I'm sorry, Gandalf. I know I promised to be Thorin's burglar, but I cannot allow those moochers to get my house!' He had turned back immediately for the Shire.
'Not to worry, Thorin. We'll be fine. A burglar was a nice asset, but hardly a necessity,' Gandalf said.
'What? Oh, burglar, right,' Thorin said and went back to monitoring the price of gold.
Over the next few days, other members of the company fell by the wayside. First Nori was beaten black and blue after he stole one too many of the phones. Then Bifur and Bombur fell into a river while texting despite having been warned to keep their eyes on the road. Neither was seriously injured, but both decided to accompany Nori back to Rivendell to recover.
And then of course there was the inevitable selfie plague. Hours were lost as dwarves posed anywhere and everywhere. Kili almost lost his head trying to capture the Goblin King in one of his. And the eagles?! They will never EVER go near another smart phone user again, guaranteed!
However, it was the dwarf-porn incident that almost stopped them cold. Right before they entered the mountains, Ori had found the site. Few dwarf-women existed and even fewer allowed themselves to be filmed naked or otherwise. The company spent every spare moment goggling at the video. It had taken Gandalf two days to find the correct spell to shut it down. It took another day to convince the company that he had had nothing to do with it and that they should move on.
Now Gandalf sat at the edge of Beorn's meadow and admitted the quest was over. He wondered now whether this had not been Elrond's real purpose in the first place. The elf had never supported the idea of going to Erebor.
The remaining dwarves were scattered around the meadow. Heads down, fingers working furiously or eyes staring glassily at the tiny screens. Occasional titters of laughter, followed by loud guffaws could be heard. No one showed the least desire to leave any time soon.
Damn Beorn, Gandalf thought. The porn had been hard enough to delete, but the bear man had introduced the dwarves to cat videos! There was no way in Over Heaven to get rid of them all. No sooner did he eradicate one than a dozen more popped up. Sighing, the wizard lit his pipe, reached into his pocket and pulled out his own phone. He wondered if Sauron had bothered to update his status lately….