Description:

"Something you said sits in my head, it's been there too long, it's killing me slow." Dan can't get that moment out of his head. And it's driving him insane. All he wants is a redo; he doesn't want to regret anymore. So when he wakes up and finds a certain someone in his kitchen… well, "When I find you, I'll find me."

A Natan story, set in a world where the Vespers never existed. Dan and Natalie are 16.

Inspired by the song:

"When You Find Me" by Joshua Radin

(However, the lyrics are no longer a part of this story due to copyright issues.)

You just don't get it, Daniel.

I sit in front of the fire, watching the flames smolder and dance, a mug of steaming hot cocoa in my hand. The heat burns my eyes, and I can feel the sting of staring for too long without blinking, but I hardly notice the pain; I revel in it.

I can feel the worried stares on the back of my head, and I feel bad for being in such a miserable mood for the past two weeks. But there's no way I can tell Amy or Nellie, no matter how understanding they would be. I can't stand the thought of opening up to them, of telling them my innermost thoughts. I'm a Cahill. I should be strong. But if they knew what has been rolling through my head over and over again, the words that have drained all the life out of me, they would see me for who I really am: weak and hopeless, without an ounce of dignity.

You have no idea how hard it's been. No one has ever hurt me this much, and all you've done is look at me.

I feel it in the pit of my stomach, a sharp tug, like someone has cut my stomach open and is now pulling out my insides slowly, one by one. And as I lose more and more of myself to the sick, masochistic monster who's taking me apart, I can feel my head unraveling like a ball of wool in the paws of a lion. Or lioness, I think. An amber-eyed lioness.

I feel a hand rest on my shoulder.

"Dan?" Amy's voice is soft, gentle, like she's trying to coax a scared animal out of its shell. "Are you okay?"

I'm sick of everyone asking if something's wrong, and tired of lying to them.

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod once, not even sparing my sister a glance. She sighs and settles down beside me.

"No you're not," she whispers and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.

Because I'm not okay. I'm not…

I feel a prick at the back of my eyes and turn away from her, hiding the lone tear that slides down my cheek. But I don't even bother to scold myself. I just let it fall and feel myself deflate.

"Dan, what's wrong?" Amy persists. "You're scaring me!"

"Nothing," I croak. "Don't be ridiculous."

My gaze returns to the fire just as a log falls, trailing sparks through the air. I see Amy from the corner of my eye, the one that's tearless, and her expression leaves me riddled with guilt. Her face is the picture of fear. Her brow is creased, her eyes are wide, and her lips are pressed tightly in a thin line. There's a thick black circle under her eyes, and her skin looks paler then usual, and I know I'm to blame for it. She's been in a state of distress because of me.

But that doesn't change anything.

I caught the plane here just to see you, because I couldn't sleep. I've missed you that much that I couldn't even close my eyes. You've kept me awake for days, Dan.

"It's not nothing!" Amy sighs with exasperation. "Nellie, help me out here!"

"Talk to us, Kiddo," Nellie says.

"We can't help you if we don't know what's wrong."

I shoot to my feet, upsetting my cup of cocoa.

"I'm fine!" I shout, rage broiling in my ears. "Stop fussing over me! I'm not a little kid!"

I storm out the room, passing Fiske in the doorway.

"What's going on?" He asks, but I push past him and run through the mansion, finding the most remote room I can. I settle in the corner and stare out the window into the dark, watching the flakes of drifting snow catch in a glint of light from an unknown source.

Why? I remember asking, hopeful but scared out of my mind.

Because, Dan. Because! You're in my every single thought, and it's driving me mad! And I've tried to tell you. I've tried to let you know how I feel. But you're just so… naïve!

I blink another tear out of my eye and close my eyes. God, I was so clueless. If only I had ignored the rational part of my mind that told me to hold back, then I wouldn't be in this state of madness. Those three words were all it took to shock me speechless. And all I had done was stand there and watch her walk away. If only I'd run after her, I could've told her what I felt. I could've saved us this torment (because there isn't a doubt in my mind that she's going crazy, too). The regret is killing me. Because all it would've taken was for me to say it, too. To open my mouth and speak instead of staring dumbly at her retreating figure.

Because I can't pretend anymore, Dan. I can't pretend I don't care about. Because I do.

I love you.

I choke back a sob and bury my face in my hands. So much for 'fearless Ninja'.

I must've fallen asleep in the dusty corner, because when I open my eyes, the sky's light. I stand, stretching my arms, rolling my neck to loose the crick. I feel my stomach rumble and crave Nellie's cooking. It must be time for breakfast. I reach for the door, only hesitating for a moment, before stepping out into the hall and following the sound of chatter. I decide I have to face them sooner or later, and now seems like the best time (because I'm hungry and there's no way I can sneak past Nellie).

I can smell the sweet aroma of blueberry pancakes, and breathe in the sugary goodness. When I near the kitchen, I am able to discern the conversation from the general clatter of movement.

"I'm sorry to drop in on you like this," a low voice says.

"No, it's fine," I hear Amy reply. "Really. No problem at all. You're welcome anytime."

I yawn and step into the room, realising too late that the former voice had been a silky British accent. The kitchen's light has already given me away, and Amy's staring at me, slightly shocked. I guess she wasn't expecting to see me so soon after my outburst.

I see Ian standing beside her, his hand over hers on the bench, and suddenly feel a chill that has nothing to do with the weather. My feet are rooted to the spot, my mouth hangs open stupidly, and I'm contemplating running away.

"Morning, Kiddo," Nellie chirps from the stove. "Look who's here."

I continue to stare, part hoping Ian has come alone, but half praying he hasn't. I want to voice my question, but I'm afraid my voice will betray me, so I close my mouth firmly.

Then I hear soft footsteps and a figure emerges in the doorway, asking, "Ian, where did you put my…" But the voice trails off when she sees me, and her eyes lock with mine. "Dan," Natalie says.

And once again, I'm staring dumbly, wondering what fate has in mind for me today. More heartbreak?

I blink once. Twice. Three times. Then I turn on my heels and race out the door, stopping just outside to bang my head on the wall. I run a hand through my hair and take a deep breath. Don't be a coward, I internally scream. Not this time.

I shake my arms and clench my fists, waiting for my breath to regulate. Then I prepare myself for the worse as I step back into the kitchen. I plan to be confident, to not run away like a scared little girl (again). But when five sets of eyes land on me, I wish I had stayed in the hall.

"You're forehead's red," Amy commented, an eyebrow cocked questioningly.

"Uh… yeah," is all I manage to say. I seek out Natalie's eyes again, and find her already watching me. Her expression is guarded, but the moment out eyes meet, I see through her walls. She's in pain, just like me. And I suspect for the same reason.

Amy's saying something, but I don't register the words. Instead I take a step forward.

"Nat, I…" I'm stuck for words, opening and shutting my mouth like an automated robot.

She drops her gaze. "It's fine, Daniel," she whispers. "I get it."

I shake my head. "No, you don't. I…"

She looks up again, but I don't speak. The room's gone silent, and I can practically feel the confusion radiating around the room.

I move closer until I'm right in front of her, but I don't know what else to say or do. I inwardly curse myself for being so… naïve.

Natalie shakes her head. "Don't lie to me, Dan, okay? Spare me the embarrassment."

"It's not like that," I say, but I still can't say more. I run a hand across my face and try to explain. "It's… I… You…"

I sigh in frustration and grab her face, cupping her cheeks in my hand. I smash my lips against hers, and everything else melts away. There are no prying eyes, no shocked gasps, no questioning exclamations. It's just her and me. Natalie and Dan.

Her hands cover mind on her cheeks and she takes a step closer to me, filling the little space between us. I can feel her body pressed against mine, the soft curves of her stomach and hips, the smooth bump of her chest, her small shoulders and her gentle knees. Her hands run along my arms and wrap around my neck, pulling me closer to her. Her back arches into me when I deepen the kiss, pouring as much emotion, as much love, as I can into her through every touch of skin on skin. I comb one hand through her hair, and grip her waist with the other, digging my fingers into her skin through her shirt. I keep pulling her nearer and nearer to me, and try to press myself further into her, but I can never seem to get close enough. I burn with a longing that I feel overriding my senses. All rational thoughts through the window, all care about decency out the door, I push her backwards until she hits the wall, and press further still until you can no longer tell where my body ends and hers starts. I caress her sides, and feel he shiver under my touch, and in turn she tugs at my hair. When someone clears their throat, I barely notice. It's not until Nellie's smashing pots together that I draw back, breathing heavily. But still, I don't pay anyone else any attention. My eyes meet Natalie's with a searing intensity.

"I'm sorry," I sputter, heaving for air but needing to say the words. "I should have gone after you. I shouldn't have let you walk away."

Her eyes search mine. "Why?"

I give her a warm smile. "Because I love you, too."

She sucks in a breath and bites her lip, her eyes watering. She stretches up to kiss me, but Nellie starts banging pots again, and she resigns to a simple peck. I don't move away. I keep my hands on her hips, and her arms stay around my neck, but I turn my head sideways and she follows my gaze. Amy, Ian, Nellie, and Fiske all stare at us with shock. We seem to have rendered them speechless, and I am about to suggest speech therapy when Ian speaks.

"Three weeks ago, you disappeared in the middle of the night for two whole days… to fly to Boston?" He demands, his voice rising.

Natalie winces. "Sorry."

I glance back at her. "I thought you came on Lucian business."

She shrugs and gives me a sly grin. "Maybe it wasn't Lucian business."

What starts as a chuckle ends in fits of laughter. We're both clutching our sides, trying to catch our breath, while we are once again scrutinised by our family like we're an exhibit in a museum called 'Twenty-first century sixteen-year-olds'. But we still laugh. Because it feels ridiculous to have been fretting for weeks over something so easily fixed. And it feels almost like a dream, standing with my body pressed against Natalie's, feeling her chest vibrate, and hearing her musical laughter ringing in my ears. And then I catch myself staring at her, with her head thrown back and her mouth stretched to a mesmerising grin. I can't help but think I've never seen her this beautiful, with her hair tousled and without a trace of make-up on her skin, looking so carefree and happy.

"Okay, lover boy," Amy says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. "Stop staring and let Natalie eat her pancakes."

Natalie smirks and takes my hand, entwining her fingers with mine, and pulls me towards the counter. I'm about to pick up a plate of food when Fiske seems to find his voice.

"Before you start eating," he says, his tone all business, "I want to lay out a few rules. For all of you." He glances at Amy and Ian, then meets Nellie's eyes. She gives him an encouraging nod and he ploughs on. "I understand that you are teenagers and you may want to… experiment. But if Nellie or myself find you doing anything… inappropriate-"

"We get it, Uncle Fiske," Amy cuts him off, her cheeks burning red. "Behave ourselves."

He nods, looking extremely uncomfortable among four teenagers and a twenty-odd year old. He rises and leaves with a swift nod, Amy and Ian following after him, and as soon as they're gone, I turn to Natalie and press my lips to hers, grinning against her mouth.

"Oh, come on," Nellie exclaims. "Did you not just hear Fiske?"

Natalie returns my smile and presses her mouth more forcefully against mine. Nellie sighs and rolls her eyes.

"I wasn't that hormonal when I was a teenager," Nellie comments. "Although maybe that's because…" she trails off and laughs to herself. "You know what, don't stop. I'd rather you be hormonal than be like me."

I break away and stare at Nellie in shock. "What?"

She winks and turns her attention to the dishes.

"Great," I whisper in Natalie's ear. "There's probably a little Nellie or two running around somewhere, and we'd have no idea about it."

She smacks me playfully on the shoulder. "Come on," she says, pulling me towards the dining room. "Since when do you put off breakfast."

"Since I have more important things to occupy my time," I say in a low voice.

An irresistible red creeps up her neck and flushes her cheeks, and I'm proud that I'm one of the few people who can make Natalie Kabra blush.

We sit at the table across from Amy and Ian, and I see that they've almost finished their plates of pancakes. When Amy looks up she catches my eye and gives me a knowing smile, her eyes giving away her relief; she's no longer worried about me.

I look at Natalie, a fiery heat warming my chest, agonisingly searing but calm and comforting at the same time. I brush her cheek with the back of my hand, and she leans into my side, her smile just as big and content as mine.

When I find you, I'll find me.

Well, this was supposed to be short. But I guess I got a bit carried away. Hope you liked it x