After a really horrible week, getting so many lovely reviews for 'Save Me' and 'Arrested Development' really made my day yesterday so I thought I would put up the one shot I wrote a few days ago. I hope you enjoy it. Love, IJKS xxx
Truth
Charlie sat on the beach in tears. The night was growing darker and she was feeling increasingly alone. Today had been one of the worst days of her life. She and Joey had woken up to Brett scrawling 'queer' on her car. Then she'd humiliated herself and Ruby at the local high school when stupidly, she'd gone to do a scheduled talk there, even though the whole town was talking about and laughing at her for being a woman who had fallen in love with a woman. Then Brett had made a formal complaint about sexual misconduct. He'd accused her of abusing Joey. She'd denied it, of course. It wasn't how it had been. But it had frightened her and while the investigation was going on, she wasn't allowed to see the woman she loved.
"I can't do this on my own," she sobbed quietly to herself.
It was hard enough being accused of being gay when she had grown to hate the word and was torn up inside about who and what she might be, but having Joey taken away from her made the whole thing worse. She felt unsure now about their relationship and if it was truly consensual. The last time she had seen Joey, she was being led into an interview and Charlie had no idea how the investigation was going to turn out. The one consolation that Charlie had held onto was that whatever they had to face, they would at least be facing it together. But now Charlie didn't know if she would ever see her girlfriend again. She wept harder at the thought. Shuddering sobs wracked her body until it hurt. Looking out at the dark sea ahead of her, she furiously wiped her face. She brushed her constant flow of tears away and wiped her nose on a balled up tissue from her pocket. She wiped her lips until they hurt. She wanted to tear them off. Because the worst had been yet to come.
Images of kissing Hugo flashed through her brain and she felt sick. She'd left work and gone home to get changed. Then she'd drowned her sorrows in the Surf Club, struggling to resist breaking the rules and phoning Joey all the while. When the bar had finally closed and she'd been forced to leave, she'd wobbled over to the beach, lost in drink and despair. Hugo had shown up half an hour later and he, like everyone else, hadn't been able to resist making a comment or two. Unable to deal with being called gay for the millionth time that day, Charlie had desperately tried to prove her heterosexuality. She'd kissed him. He'd reciprocated and fallen on top of her in an instant. She'd felt the scratch of his stubble on her face and his excitement pressing hard against her hip. She'd tried to lose herself in it. She'd tried to use him to walk away from the horrors of the day, brush herself off and start again. She'd tried to throw caution to the wind. But Hugo Austin was everything Joey wasn't. Nobody could be Joey. And she knew that if she'd gone ahead, she would have lost her. As Hugo's kisses had got heavier and more passionate, she'd frozen and then pushed him away. What would have been the point of going through this hell just to lose Joey at the end of it?
He'd protested of course. He hadn't wanted to stop and he'd called her both gay and a tease. Maybe she was both. But sleeping with him wasn't going to solve anything. And now, sitting alone on the sand again, she was glad. She could hardly live with the guilt of kissing someone behind Joey's back so she dreaded to think what would have happened if she'd done anything more. But now she had yet another dilemma. Should she tell the truth? Or should she lie? Both were a risk. Both could potentially cause the loss of Joey anyway. That was a truth that terrified her.
"Charlie?" said a voice.
The police officer turned in surprise at the familiar voice behind her. She couldn't help but smile through her tears as she saw the figure of her beloved girlfriend standing a few feet away from her. Joey hesitated, twisting her hands together anxiously.
"Should I go?" she asked, aware that they weren't allowed to see each other.
"Please don't," Charlie said softly.
"Are you okay?" Joey asked, stepping forward, full of concern.
She could see Charlie's tears glistening in the moonlight.
"I need you," Charlie said tearfully.
Joey moved forward and sat beside her, immediately holding her close. She pressed her lips gently against Charlie's temple and softly wiped her tears away.
"They said you could lose your job if we see each other tonight..." Joey said uncertainly.
Charlie leant closer into her.
"I don't care," she said.
Joey was surprised but she didn't object. She knew she and Charlie hadn't done anything wrong and if her girlfriend was this upset, there was no way she was going to leave her.
"I'm so sorry, Joey," Charlie whispered.
"What for?"
"Everything."
"None of this is your fault. It's Brett's. And when the investigation is all wrapped up and you've been cleared of everything, then we should make a formal complaint against him. I hate him for causing all of this stress."
Charlie sat up and gazed into her partner's eyes.
"I don't think you're capable of hating anyone," she said.
Joey looked down. It was probably true. They held hands.
"We'll get through this, Charlie," the younger woman said confidently.
Charlie smiled through her still flowing tears, desperately hoping that she was right.
"And when we do," Joey continued. "We're going to be so happy together. The day you told me you loved me and wanted to be with me was honestly the best day of my whole life. And I'm not going to let that go without a fight. Brett can throw as many toys out of the pram as he likes but we've come too far to let anything break us, haven't we?"
Charlie smiled, feeling comforted. Joey smiled back, leaning in for a kiss. Charlie jerked back. Joey's heart sank as she tried to figure out whether it was because they were out in public (even if it was nearly midnight) or if it was because of the investigation. She tried not to fret that Charlie had given up and didn't love her anymore but hadn't had the strength to tell her.
"What's wrong?" she asked, searching Charlie's face for answers. "Is it the investigation? Should I go?"
Charlie shook her head and cried harder. She reached out and touched Joey's lips with her fingertips, trying to block those horrific moments with Hugo from her mind. But she knew what she had to do. She knew which risk she had to take.
"I love you so much, Joey," she said. "But I'm sorry."
Joey's heart sank further. She looked down, studying the sand between them on the ground.
"I've done something that I'm not sure you're going to forgive me for."
Joey looked back up sharply, terribly afraid of what would come out of Charlie's mouth next.
"I kissed Hugo," the police officer said.
"What? When? On that date you went on?"
Charlie looked increasingly ashamed.
"Not on the date," Joey concluded. "When? Now? Tonight?"
Charlie nodded and awkwardly began to explain what had happened. Joey's head was reeling at the thought that Hugo had sat in this very spot and made out with her girlfriend. It made her feel sick and she was torn between wanting details and wanting to forget the whole thing. They stopped holding hands.
"Don't you love me anymore?" she asked quietly.
"Of course I love you!" Charlie replied urgently. "I love you so much that I can't breathe."
"Does... does that mean you think I'm suffocating you?" Joey asked, her voice high and tight.
"No, not at all," Charlie said.
She reached out to touch Joey's face but it suddenly felt wrong and inappropriate.
"I mean I love you so much that every time I see you, the world slows down around me," she ventured. "All I can see is your beautiful face. My heart stops beating and my head starts swimming. I get all giddy and silly and I can barely remember my own name. You're more important to me than anything."
Joey was touched but still unsure. Her voice remained cold as she asked why she couldn't have remembered all of that before she kissed Hugo.
"I did," Charlie said. "It only last a few moments. And I knew it was wrong. I knew I didn't want to be with anyone who isn't you for the rest of my life."
Joey gazed at her, wanting to believe that she was being sincere. But her image of how perfect Charlie was had been shattered.
"Was it... was it like a peck or..."
She pulled a face.
"Tongues?"
"The latter," Charlie admitted, unable to say the words.
Joey's grimace deepened.
"I'm so sorry."
"Why... why did you?" Joey asked. "I mean, I'm hurting over this whole thing too but I wouldn't run off and kiss someone else. I don't understand how you thought that would solve the problem. It doesn't make sense, Charlie."
"I'm feeling so messed up," Charlie admitted.
Joey swallowed and waited for her to continue.
"Today has felt like the end of the world. We've had to come out before we were ready. Before I was ready, anyway. You of all people know how hard it's been to come to terms with my sexuality. I still have no idea how I'm meant to identify and it's unsettling. All day people have been calling me gay and lesbian and queer and those are the polite words. Everyone's been looking at me like I'm some kind of freak show. Ruby's absolutely mortified and she was only just getting her head around us being a couple anyway. And I've been more or less suspended from work. According to Brett's statement, I'm some kind of rapist and I..."
She burst into more tears. Hesitantly, Joey took her hand. It surprised them both. Charlie looked fearfully into Joey's eyes and apologised again.
"Does it matter that much that people are calling you gay?" Joey asked softly. "Are you that ashamed of it? Of us? Of me?"
"I'm not ashamed of you," Charlie said quickly.
Joey didn't look convinced.
"I'm not," Charlie insisted. "I just... I don't know who I am anymore. Everyone's seeing me differently now and I'm scared. I'm scared of the judgements and..."
More tears flowed. Joey squeezed her hand gently. They both managed a tentative smile.
"I don't want to be gay," Charlie admitted. "I want to be with you but I... How do people cope with what a same sex relationship means?"
"Nobody wants to be gay, Charlie," Joey said. "I'd defy anyone to go and find someone who would choose to be different in any way. All I've ever wanted to do is fit in and I never have. I'm still coming to terms with all of this myself. But do you know what changed my outlook?"
Charlie waited with baited breath to hear what had helped her seem so cool about the whole thing when she'd only just come out of a tightly locked closet herself.
"It was you," Joey said, gazing into her eyes.
Charlie looked and felt startled.
"I realised that as much as I don't like being different, if I was straight, I'd never have you. I mean, maybe we'd be friends but... the things we've shared, the way I feel about you... We wouldn't have that. You make me complete. I've never felt so loved and adored and protected and cared for in my whole life."
She turned away unhappily.
"Until now," she added.
"I do love you," Charlie said. "I adore you. I want to protect you and care for you. I do, Joey. I do."
"Then why did you make out with some guy behind my back?" Joey asked.
"Because I was so messed up," Charlie said. "It's not an excuse and I'm so sorry."
"But you were risking losing me," Joey said. "If I mean even half as much to you as you do to me, you wouldn't have even considered it, would you?"
Charlie looked down. She hated herself even more.
"What can I do to make it up to you?" she asked.
Joey just shrugged.
"Did you like kissing him?" she asked.
Charlie shook her head.
"It was horrible," she said. "It felt so wrong. I've only ever kissed guys up until now and that's always been the norm. But... kissing him now that I've kissed you. It's just... Even when I freaked the first time we kissed, it was largely because it was the most amazing kiss of my life up to that point. Kissing you is the most the natural, wonderful thing in the world. Nothing else is ever going to compare. I never want it to. I just want to be with you forever."
Joey smiled, believing her. She shifted a little and tentatively put her arm around Charlie. The police officer looked over and smiled, her heart surging with hope.
"I'm so sorry," she said again.
"I know," Joey said.
They remained in silence and hugged for a little while, neither quite sure what to say.
"Have I lost you?" Charlie finally asked.
"No," Joey replied without hesitation. "You've hurt me but... no."
Charlie cried in relief. She was surprised at just how willing she was to let her emotions show. It was yet another hidden side to her that Joey brought out.
"And for the record, you haven't done anything wrong," Joey added. "Besides kissing Hugo. Everything Brett said is crap."
"Is it?" Charlie asked.
"Of course it is."
"The first time we kissed, Robbo had nearly murdered you, Joey," Charlie said, feeling a definite twinge at the horrific memory of Joey nearly losing her life. "If that wasn't taking advantage of you when you were vulnerable, I don't know what is."
"But the feelings were there before all of that," Joey pointed out. "The reason I ran away in the first place was because I was in love with you and you didn't want to be in love with me."
Charlie hung her head, feeling yet more shame.
"I'm not criticising," Joey said quickly. "What I mean is that there was an attraction between us from the start. It wasn't anything like what Brett said. You know I identified as gay before I met you. I just wish I'd told Brett the truth sooner and then he wouldn't have been able to use his ignorance against us in his complaint."
"But we met because of what Robbo did to you," Charlie said, not sounding so sure. "You were the victim of a terrible crime and I was so unprofessional."
"You saved me, Charlie. He's behind bars because of you."
"But I took you home with me," Charlie said. "I fell in love with you. And I was still working your case. I wasn't honest about the situation. I screwed up, Joey."
"You were struggling with your feelings," Joey pointed out. "How could you ever have thought clearly enough to follow professional guidelines or whatever you were meant to? Please don't think he's right."
Charlie continued looking at the floor. Joey tilted her chin back up in order to look at her properly.
"Brett's statement is a pack of lies," she said firmly. "You have to believe that."
"Are you sure?" Charlie asked, sounding more vulnerable than Joey had ever heard her.
"I've never been more certain of anything in my life," Joey said. "What we have is real. It's good and it's pure. It's love. I can't imagine my life without you in it, Charlie. I've been willing all the way. You know full well that we would have got together ages ago if I'd have had my way. You certainly didn't take advantage of me."
Charlie stroked Joey's face gently, cupping her cheek and searching her eyes.
"What if we're wrong?"
"How can we be wrong?"
"When I was working in the city, one of my first big cases was about child abuse," Charlie ventured. "This guy was sleeping with a thirteen year old but she didn't realise what he was doing was wrong. It was only when her parents found out that it all came to light. She thought they were in an equal relationship. He even made her think that she seduced him and not the other way around. What if that's me, Joey? What if that's what I did to you? What if I did that and you didn't even realise? What if I'm the monster Brett was describing? What if...?"
Joey put her index finger to Charlie's lips to silence her. Charlie swallowed tearfully, never breaking eye contact.
"You are not that kind of person, Charlie," Joey stated firmly. "Don't you dare ever think you are. You are beautiful and kind and gentle and I am in love with you. I love you of my own free will and I am happy about it. Maybe you blurred the lines a little between work and home but that's only because you cared about me. I was homeless and helpless and you were just doing your best. I'm not a kid. I'm twenty four years old and I might seem like a vulnerable, pathetic mess but..."
"That's not what I meant!" Charlie panicked.
"But I'm not," Joey continued. "I know myself and I know what I want. I have been lucky enough to find someone that I love more than I ever thought possible. And the same someone, despite a mistake tonight, loves me back. I'm not going to let that go because of this homophobia garbage."
She took both of Charlie's hands in hers.
"Please, don't let them break us."
"I don't want to," Charlie said. "But what if we don't get a choice? What if work bans me from seeing you or...?"
"They won't," Joey replied with confidence.
"How do you...?"
"They won't because we're telling the truth. Nothing Brett can say can stand up against that."
Charlie nodded.
"He said I was worse than Robbo," she admitted.
Joey looked disgusted and denied it immediately.
"That's why I've been such a mess tonight," Charlie said. "I've been so scared that he's right."
"He's wrong."
"It's weird, you know?" Charlie ventured. "All my life, I've dealt with things by myself. I've handled everything in my own way and my own time. But suddenly it's like I can't do anything by myself. Of all the things that happened with the car and at the school, the one thing I was clinging to was that at the end of the day I could come home to you. And I thought that if only I had you by my side, encouraging me and making my world a better place, I could do it. But then they took you away from me and I... I guess I lost the plot. I'm sorry."
"I'm glad you feel you can rely on me," Joey admitted. "I've always worried that I'm the lesser party in this relationship or something. You know, because you're a cop and I'm... well, currently I'm nothing. And you're older and wiser and you have all these responsibilities. People respect you. And I'm... I'm just me. I don't know how to be anything else."
"I don't want you to be anything else," Charlie said. "I love you exactly as you are."
Joey blushed, smiling bashfully.
"I need you, Joey," Charlie told her. "You're the only person who can get me through any of this. I mean, look how badly I cope when you're not around..."
She managed a smile. Joey leant in and hugged her.
"I'm so sorry for what happened," Charlie apologised again.
"It's okay," Joey said.
She was surprised to hear the words and mean them. When Charlie had first told her, she'd been all set to up and leave but she knew she couldn't throw it all away on a whim. Charlie meant too much to her for that. And it helped that she'd been honest about it all right from the start.
"Charlie, please don't think you're anything like him," Joey begged. "Believe me, I know the difference."
Charlie nodded but still felt a little bit unsure. The Robbo comparison had tipped her over the edge and she admitted as much to Joey.
"But why would that make you... you know... with Hugo?" Joey asked.
"I think a part of me wanted to destroy myself," Charlie revealed. "I was so repulsed by what I thought I was. If I'd have gone with Hugo, I would have lost myself for a few moments. And I would have lost you. It would have been an apt punishment."
"You don't need to be punished," Joey assured her.
"There's something I haven't told you," Charlie squeaked before she'd really thought it through.
Joey drew away abruptly, immediately afraid.
"One of the reasons why I could identify so much with you when you told me what Robbo did... was because it happened to me."
Joey froze. Charlie couldn't look at her.
"I'm not making excuses. I hope you don't think that. But it was a big part of what was on my mind when I kissed Hugo, when I thought I could go through with... more."
She wiped her eyes furiously.
"Only my Mum, Dad and my Auntie Michelle know the truth about what happened to me," she said. "I've never told a living soul and I never planned to. But I need to explain myself to you. I need to be honest."
She finally turned to look at Joey again.
"I don't want anything to ever come between us."
Joey nodded and reached out to hold her. Charlie held on tightly, pouring her heart out over what had happened to her when she was fourteen and had foolishly accepted a date with the so called hottest boy in school. By the end of her description, Joey was weeping quietly. They held onto each other for a long time.
"I'm so sorry for what you went through," she whispered. "Thank you for telling me."
Charlie nodded. There was more. And she was prepared to tell her everything but looking into her girlfriend's eyes, she knew that it could wait. She'd put her heart on the line and Joey hadn't walked away. She'd hurt her so many times and yet Joey had continued to come back. Charlie was relieved and startled to realise that from now on, there could be nothing that can between them.
"I love you, Joey," Charlie said.
"I love you too," Joey replied.
She leant in to kiss her again. Charlie froze. Joey's heart sank one more time. Had she overstepped the mark by requesting physical contact after what Charlie had told her? Or was there something else wrong?
"I tried to wash my mouth properly," Charlie said, stumbling over her words a little. "I didn't know what to do and I... I feel like I'm contaminating you."
Joey studied Charlie's lips. They looked swollen and sore and there were red scratches around them.
"Do they hurt?" she asked quietly.
"No," Charlie said.
Joey closed the gap between them, brushing her own lips carefully against Charlie's. She pulled her closer, letting things develop. It felt perfect for both of them.
After a long while of kissing and with the sea creeping closer, Charlie and Joey reluctantly pulled away.
"Spend the night with me," Charlie requested.
Joey looked surprised. She very much wanted to spend the night with her but she knew that if they got caught, it could make things much worse. She told Charlie so.
"I don't care," Charlie said.
"But... your job... They said..."
"I don't care," Charlie repeated. "I need you. I need you so much."
"But your job means everything to you," Joey pointed out.
"You mean more," Charlie told her. "I think some risks are worth taking."
Joey smiled lovingly at her. She stroked her face and kissed her lips before standing up and taking her hand. Nothing could come between them.