I am back with an alternate-universe Addek story! This time, it explores the potential of what it would be like if something else had caused Derek and Addison to split without adultery. This has been sitting in my drafts for about three months now, due to the research I have been doing myself for this story so I can correctly portray [redacted]! The first chapter was set to be about 2k+ words, but I didn't want to give away too much in the first chapter, so let's just say this is an introduction to the story as a whole, even if it doesn't reveal all its issues in the beginning. I hope you enjoy!
"Tell me your secrets,
I won't repeat them."
PRESENT - Seattle, Washingtion
His cerulean eyes follow the black text, re-reading each sentence twice before deciding whether or not the sentence needed to be revised or omitted. Exhaustedly, he leans back in his chair, threading a hand through his disheveled black locks, and then rubbing his eyes; saturated with red, hours of curiosity and philosophical research in replace of a good night's rest, exhaustion slowly taking a toll on his body.
He leans back forward, ready to continue proof-reading his medical research proposal that he's been meticulously working on for the past week. He frowns as he realizes the sight in front of him, an abundance of documents clutters his desk, various versions of his research proposal, rough (very rough) outlines of his intended research, and a dilapidated medical journal that he had deliberately thrown in the trash but retrieved back out after about an hour after its initial disposal.
Derek Shepherd forgoes revision for the night, pushing aside his research proposal and taking the neglected medical journal into his own hands with delicacy.
How Neurodevelopment is Affected After Preterm Birth
A lump forms in his throat, but simultaneously, he can't seem to suppress a smile when he sees her for the first time again as he gazes and lingers at the front cover of the medical journal. He isn't exactly sure why he had decided to retrieve it out from the trash again or why he had decided to keep it and conceal it from the entirety of Seattle.
Maybe it's because he remembers. He remembers her slowly gaining interest in neurodevelopment, despite her lack of interest in the neurosciences in medical school. She had gained such an elevated interest on neurodevelopment effects after preterm labor that she pondered whether it was worthy of research. And he remembers. He remembers reassuring her that it would be.
But that tiny memory ingrained in his brain that is refusing to dissipate into oblivion had occurred nearly five years ago.
That was before the downward spiral. Before they argued incessantly, as they dawned upon the realization that they both wanted different things in life, and before they drastically drifted and broke apart in a result of wanting to lead completely different livelihoods.
Multiple ideas clashed together, ideas and reasons that gave possible explanations on why he kept her medical journal.
With his gaze lingering on her photograph on the front cover, he contemplates whether he was the reason why she had proceeded on with the research she was willing to conduct. It wasn't because he had reassured her it would be reputable research, but what if her proceeding with the research had resulted in her in not achieving the one desire she had been longing for?
He felt consumed by guilt and maybe that's why he kept it. And it hurt him to know that he may still be hurting her emotionally in some way, shape, or form. All because he couldn't come to a consensus with her and give her what she had been longing for.
Not only was she gone, but maybe her aspiration was gone too.
And it was all because of him.
. . .
His relationship with Derek seems estranged. He doesn't see his best friend much nowadays, well, at least not much outside of his office; which is where he resides the majority of the time - drowning himself in tedious paperwork. Due to this, their friendship has become strained, the type of strain where two friends are slowly but surely straying further away from each other.
Mark has noticed Derek's withdrawal, though it was only subtle in the beginning, shrugging off the odd occurrence that his best friend was displaying. But, he's noticed a shift, a display of familiar patterns. Mark noticed it when he occasionally checks in on Derek throughout the day, putting the effort in reassuring himself that his best friend was okay whenever his free time allowed.
Mark asks Derek the basic questions, whether he had eaten yet to if he had taken a proper break from working excessively. And always, Derek managed to form succinct replies to Mark's questions. But, as research began to get more demanding and Derek obliviously straying further from reach, the replies have transformed from brief but fully formed replies to brusque one-worded responses and shrugs.
It's a routine, and despite Derek's efforts on maintaining a meaningful conversation, Mark is still determined to be there for him even if Derek doesn't present the same energy in return.
"Hey, Shep," Mark calls, lingering in Derek's office doorway.
Derek's form hasn't changed since the last time Mark had checked on him around lunchtime. He's hunched over his desk, splitting his attention between an open textbook and the mass of papers shrouding his desk. He doesn't flinch when he calls out his name, not a simple head raise to acknowledge his best friend's presence.
Nothing.
"Shep," Mark calls out, again. Though, this time, Mark enters his office, uninvited.
Derek remains hunched over, pen drifting effortlessly across the document, unaware of Mark's presence in the room. Still, there is no reaction when Mark settles into the leather seats across from his desk.
He continues to work on his research… his meaningless research.
"You know, your fiancée would want you home." Mark points out, watching Derek intently.
Derek doesn't look at him. His head remains lowered, never stopping to put his pen down, he just continues working. "But she also doesn't want a lot of things."
His voice is empty, monotone. Almost hopeless, even.
The words are lost on him. Mark stares at Derek questioningly, unsure of the context of what Derek had meant. Derek had lapsed into silence again, returning to the various papers that cover his desk, where only the sound of his pen gliding across the paper could be heard.
He doesn't want to delve into the details of Derek and Meredith's inconsistent relationship, uninterested since the beginning of the unforeseen connection between the two. Though, he decides to intervene anyways, recalling all the familiar patterns in his previous relationship, determined to save his best friend from repeating the same mistakes in his current relationship.
"What do you mean?" Mark inquired, "What do you mean that she doesn't want a lot of things?"
He's expecting the lull before Derek responds, but it doesn't occur this time. This time, he gives Mark his undivided attention, setting aside his pen. "What I have with Meredith, well what I thought I had with Meredith, it isn't all there anymore."
"What isn't all there?"
"The similarities," Derek answers, his head lowering to focus on his desk. "Meredith doesn't want what I want: the big wedding at a church, a big family…"
"Every relationship is different, Derek." Mark reiterates.
"I know, but she's not…"
"She's not Addison." Mark finishes.
After the unanticipated split, Derek had decided upon concealing his emotions and thoughts regarding the divorce. Addison had remained a taboo topic since then, refusing to mention her or bring up any slight evocation that reminded him of her.
For Mark, this was the very first time he had heard Derek mention Addison in four years. He hasn't vocally expressed that Meredith wasn't Addison, though, it was evident that Meredith was the exact opposite of Addison: the anti-Addison.
Understandably, he could sense why Derek would be so upset and frustrated with Meredith not wanting the same future as Derek; it was the same way he had lost Addison.
Derek was afraid of repeating the past. Afraid of re-inflicting the emotional pain he had done before onto the person he claims he loves. Afraid of losing another person he claims he loves the same way he lost his first love. But, despite being afraid of repeating the past, Derek continues to be stuck in the past.
I do plan on making this multi-chaptered, set on finishing it from beginning to end! But, only with your cooperation with feedback (reviews), I will continue this story. Reviews, like constructive criticism or what you liked about this chapter really boosts my motivation to continue this, so please please show it some love because I really have a good plan set for this story :)