Warm Thoughts

Kagura Kyo Shinra

Warning: Look out for shounen-ai love (that means boy-boy love). This one also has incest. So beware.

Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, do not own Edward Elric sob. I don't own anything to do with Fullmetal Alchemist either.

Edward rolled onto his side as he lay in bed, trying to fall back asleep. Just as he closed his eyes again, the door of his room opened, and quiet footsteps crept across the floor. Edward didn't move; he was well aware who the intruder was. They had entered his room every night the past two weeks-- well, two weeks that Edward knew of.

He kept his eyes shut to feign sleep and steadied his breathing, which had slightly increased when the door opened. Lying absolutely still, he waited.

Did he leave? Edward thought when nothing happened.

Just as the thought finished passing through his mind, he felt somebody hovering above him. Their hot breath blew against his cheek, and he shivered against his own will.

Okay, he's had a look. Now, he'll go.

Usually, his night visitor simply entered his room for a moment, had a quick examination and left as quickly as they had arrived; however, tonight was slightly different.

A warm, timid hand brushed against Edward's cool cheek, and he fought with all his will to stop from snapping his eyes open. The touch lasted only a second, but the feeling remained plastered to Edward's cheek like glue. As Edward struggled with his nerves, the visitor left his side and exited the room.

Edward immediately sat up, his hand lightly touching his cheek as he stared at the closed door. What just happened, and more importantly, what did it mean?

Edward didn't sleep well the rest of the night. His mind hammered and labored all night like a running factory, trying to make sense of the light caress. However, all he could come up with was that he had to be mistaken.

By morning, he had achieved only three hours of sleep, but his decision to ease his mind wouldn't allow him to sleep in.

"Edward, are you alright?" Roy caught up with him as Edward headed down the hall for his destination.

"What are you talking about?"

"Your ponytail . . . It's all crooked."

Edward touched the back of his head and felt his hair. It was definitely more to the left than usual. Growling, he pulled it out and started to redo it.

Wouldn't it have been great to show up with my hair all askew, Edward fumbled with his hair, only to succeed in creating a giant ball of knots.

"You're hopeless, Edward." Roy laughed. "Here, I'll do it for you."

"I don't need your help!"

At first, he fought Roy; however, he soon gave up. A light pink tinted the top of his cheeks as he allowed Roy to treat him like a child. If someone saw them, Edward would never live it down. Havoc would have a field day with it, and Alphonse . . . It was best not to think about Alphonse at that particular moment.

Roy hastily brushed his long fingers through the blond strands, untangling the mess Edward had created. When it was smoothed out, he collected all of it and tied it with Edward's string.

"All done! See, I'm good at it because Hawkeye let's me play with her hair."

"That's more information than I wanted."

Edward inspected his hair with his fingers, and when he was pleased with the results, continued down the hall.

"Not even a thanks?" Roy called after him.

"I'm in a hurry."

Edward broke into a run, his hair swooshing back and forth behind him. His mind matched his speed. Although he knew where he was going, he had no idea what to say or how to begin. This wasn't the type of situation you could ask your mom's advice on¾ even if she was alive.

Too soon, Edward stood outside the door of his target. He stopped and clenched his fist, preparing to knock.

What am I doing? This is stupid. I'm leaving.

Edward dropped his fist. Just as he was about to turn and leave, the door opened and the occupant of the room beyond stood before Edward, smiling.

"What brings you here so early, Brother?"

"Is it early?" Edward's mind suddenly became void of all thoughts.

"Well, earlier than you usually get up on Sundays."

"Did I wake you?"

Alphonse looked down at himself (fully dressed) and laughed. "I don't sleep in my clothes."

Edward glanced at his brother's clothes and blushed, realizing what a stupid question it had been. He'd been there for only a couple seconds and already made an idiot out of himself.

"Did you want to go to breakfast with me? It's rare you get to eat breakfast on the weekend," Alphonse said.

"Oh, yeah, I could go for some food. Wait, I came here to talk to you about . . ."

"Great! I'm hungry. I forgot to eat dinner last night. Let's go!"

Alphonse exited his military dorm room and shut the door behind him. Before Edward could stop him, he headed for the cafeteria, taking Edward with him.

Edward's stomach growled. "But I wanted to talk not eat."

In the cafeteria, Edward grabbed a tray of food and sat down beside his brother.

"Ever since I got my memory back after going to the alternate world, I just can't get used to eating again," Alphonse laughed as he began his breakfast. "It was kinda nice to not have those kinds of needs when I was in that armor."

"That was years ago," Edward said. "You still don't feel at home in your body?"

For some reason that Edward couldn't decipher, his entire body heated up as soon as the word "body" escaped his mouth. It was like he had taken a bite of extremely spicy food.

"I guess not." Alphonse smiled. "There are things I couldn't do and things I found out I really wanted to do when I was in there, but now that I can do them, I'm afraid."

"What kinds of things?"

This time, it was Alphonse's turn to blush. Without answering, he took another bite of his food and averted his gaze toward the table.

"Alphonse?"

"My body couldn't desire food or water, but my mind still imagined and longed for things," he muttered.

"Alphonse?"

Edward reached out for his brother, his heart racing. Before he could touch him, Alphonse turned back with a smile, and Edward's hand froze, suddenly afraid of what he might convey if he touched his brother in that instant.

"Like this muffin. My mind knew how delicious it would be, but I just wasn't hungry."

For an instant, Edward thought he saw the smile fade, but if it did, Alphonse quickly repaired it.

"And it's because of you that I even have this body."

But I was the reason you lost it in the first place.

"Is something wrong, Brother?" Alphonse asked.

"Oh, don't worry," Edward assured. "I just haven't been sleeping well." Strength surged through him. "I think someone's been coming in my room at night. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Al?

Fear sprang onto Alphonse's face. His gaze locked onto Edward's.

"Brother, I . . ."

"But let's eat breakfast. Then we can go back to your room and talk in private."

"Why can't we talk here?"

"It's not something I want to share with the rest of the military."

"I don't want to talk in private." Alphonse stood up and walked away from the table.

"Wait a minute!" Edward rose to his feet. "Don't just walk away from me when I want to talk to you!"

Everyone in the cafeteria turned to stare at Edward. Immediate whispers broke out throughout the room.

"Don't gossip like you have any idea what we're talking about!" Edward shouted.

More whispers.

"Stop that!"

The whispers increased, and the word "short" definitely sounded somewhere near the back.

"What was that? Who are you calling a puny runt who's too small to even be seen with a microscope?"

Edward had an entire list of things to scream at the onlookers, but he didn't use any of them. Before he could, Alphonse was gone. He had taken advantage of the confusion to escape without Edward's knowledge.

"Al?" he asked, looking around. "Damn. Where'd he go?"

"What's the matter with you?" Winry demanded. "You've been acting strange these past few days. Are you and Alphonse fighting?"

Edward sat down on his bed and drooped his head. "Not exactly. I'd have to actually see him to be fighting with him."

Three days had passed since Alphonse left Edward in the cafeteria. It wasn't as if he had disappeared. Edward still saw him around, but every time he tried to speak with his little brother, Alphonse rushed off in another direction with some lame excuse.

And worse (although Edward wasn't sure why he thought it worse) Alphonse had stopped sneaking into his room at night.

"Well, it must be something because it seems like he's avoiding you. Can't you tell me? Oh, I know, you can't tell me anything. You have to keep it from me, right? You never change, Ed."

"It's not like that this time, Winry. It's something I can't say because I don't exactly know what's going on myself."

She sat down beside him and covered his hand with hers. "You can tell me what you do know, and maybe I can help you figure it out."

Edward had no desire to tell Winry about the strange visits from Alphonse or his gloom that they had ended abruptly, but he needed some advice, and Winry usually helped.

She listened patiently as he explained the visits from Alphonse, including the final one with the soft touch. He continued with how he had tried to speak with Alphonse about it and Alphonse's retreat.

"That's kinda weird," Winry said when he had finished. "But maybe it's that you guys are back from the alternate world, and he has his memories back. He finally has a chance to think about everything that's happened."

Edward ran his fingers over his right arm, caressing the dense steel. His arm and leg were machines incapable of feeling pleasure or pain. What would it be like to have an entire body like that? How difficult would it be for your mind to adapt, or would it never? Perhaps Alphonse was simply confused about having a body again and experiencing the world and Edward again.

"I remember that years ago, when we were staying with Tucker and Nina, Al said something about not being able to remember with my skin feels like or what I smell like, and he hasn't been very eager to touch me too much since he's got his body back, especially since we've been back in this world. I mean, a hug or so, but . . . it was probably so hard for him to be in that suit. Maybe, he's still dealing with it."

"Or maybe it's something more." Winry stared at him

"What are you talking about?"

"I dunno. I was young. We all were, but I remember that there was always something different about the way he was toward you back then. The way he looked at you or touched you¾ it seemed controlled as if he was holding back something."

Like a glimmer in Alphonse's eyes, shrouded by a blanket¾ Edward had seen it then as well, but he never questioned it. It seemed right, and he enjoyed being looked at that way by Alphonse. The admiration and love in those eyes kept Edward moving forward, even when only a steal mask stared back at him, even when only his memories of Alphonse kept him company. He could never stop. He could never forget.

"I forgot!" Edward exclaimed.

"Forgot what?"

Edward's face took on a red shade as he remembered a night a long time ago, when he and Alphonse were cold, hungry and alone.

"I'm cold, Brother," Alphonse whispered.

"Me too, Al."

It had been about a week since Izumi left them on the island to test their potential, and they were quickly discovering an appreciation for the comforts in life that were now far away from them.

"I'm so cold, I can hardly breath."

"Here."

Edward crawled across the dirt toward his brother. He helped Alphonse onto his side, facing Edward and slipped his right arm under Alphonse's shoulders. He draped his left hand onto Alphonse, wrapping it around him and resting his hand on the small of his brother's back. His left leg crept forward, curling around Alphonse's.

"Is it better now?"

With his face reddening from both the cold and the proximity of his brother, Alphonse rested his head against Edward's chest and nodded. He lifted his arm and laid it on Edward's, clutching it with his fingers.

"Don't let go," he whispered.

Edward pulled his arm away from his brother's hold and gripped his hand, entwining their fingers.

"I won't."

Despite Alphonse's insistence that he was cold, his skin was warm¾ a warmth foreign to Edward. Something in that hold pulled at him, begging him to stay there always, and Edward wanted to give in. Alphonse's hold made him feel comfortable and safe.

"It's nice here."

"I know."

Edward knew that whatever he wanted in life, he had to achieve this feeling permanently. He would seek it out for his entire life if he had to. But one day, he would possess it and finally feel joy again.

Winry reached out and touched Edward's shoulder, dragging him back from his thoughts.

"Do you think Al wants to be with you as more than a brother?"

Edward nodded.

As his brain accepted exactly what he was thinking, his stomach quivered, and his body heated up again. There was something right about being with Alphonse. Edward had understood it that night, but he forced himself to forget in order to protect Alphonse. But now, knowing that Alphonse may want the same thing, Edward couldn't run any longer. He couldn't keep something from Alphonse that Alphonse wanted desperately.

"It's funny," Winry said. "It doesn't seem weird to me. You'd think it would, but for some reason, it seems right with you two. Strange, isn't it?"

"I have to speak with him, Winry."

"What are you going to tell him?"

"That I feel the same way he does."

"And what if you're wrong about the way he feels?"

"I'm right," Edward said. "I've been making myself forget, and I've been trying not to look too closely at him, but because of that, I missed the way he feels. He's so strong to have kept all this locked away in that armor for so long."

"You have armor too, Edward," Winry said, touching his right arm. "And you've been hiding."

Edward's heartbeat quickened as his fingers touched the cool brass doorknob of his brother's room. He slid his spare key in the lock and twisted it. With a click, it unlocked, and he slowly pushed the door open.

Through the darkness, he could see Alphonse's outline on the bed, and he crept closer.

This is what it's come to, Edward thought. Sneaking in here at night just because he wouldn't speak to me. Well, it serves him right for sneaking into my room so many times.

Edward reached out to wake his brother but halted. Alphonse's mouth was open and quivered with every breath. A fear of disturbing his brother and destroying that perfect image flashed across Edward's mind.

He was about to take a huge step, and if he was wrong about Alphonse's feelings, this would be the last moment of bliss he would have around Alphonse before it dissolved like snow in the rain. He should take time to appreciate the beauty and wonder of his brother.

Edward took another step to gain a closer look, but his left leg hit a large alchemy book lying on the floor, and he stumbled forward. Catching himself, he breathed a sigh of relief, until he realized what he had caught himself on¾ the bed.

His left arm had fallen on the far side of Alphonse's shoulders, and his right knee rested heavily on the mattress. His left foot stayed connected to the floor out of fear from complelty falling on his brother.

"What? What's going on?" Alphonse's sleepy eyes fluttered open.

"Sorry, I fell."

"Brother? What are you doing in here?" Alphonse's voice was suddenly filled with anxiety.

He sat up, only to succeed in moving his face closer to Edward's. A pink spread across both their faces but neither pulled away.

"Why are you here?"

"I had to speak with you."

"You couldn't wait until morning?"

"You would've just avoided me again."

Alphonse pushed Edward's arm off him and sat up. Edward backed away a few feet, waiting for a reply.

"Who said I was avoiding you?"

"Nobody said it. I can tell. I've needed to talk to you for a few days now."

"So you snuck into my room when I was sleeping?"

"You're the one who started it?"

Alphonse turned away from his brother and stared at the blanket on his bed.

"I'm tired. You should go."

If Alphonse truly didn't want to speak, Edward didn't want to force him. Alphonse was all that mattered. Edward's feelings and dreams meant nothing compared to that. Obeying his brother, he headed for the door, but after only a few steps, he paused.

It had gone on long enough; he'd been running long enough. Alphonse was confused and afraid, and if Edward left, it would only continue. They would grow further and further apart. Edward had to make a stand now, even if he was wrong and it meant loosing his brother. Either way, Edward would finally know the truth, and if he was wrong, he would simply leave Alphonse forever to keep the pain and guilt from haunting Alphonse.

"I guess, I've always been the more outgoing of us," Edward said. "We're both brave, but you're braver in a smarter way. I never knew if my bravery was just stupidity. I always do things that could end up blowing up in my face, but they usually work out right because my gut is usually right." Edward turned back around to face Alphonse. "That's why I have to be stupid now."

He closed the distance between them and leaned forward, near his brother. He sensed Alphonse's nerves and longed to sooth any fear Alphonse had. As their breaths began to match, Edward pressed his mouth against Alphonse's and seized the sweet taste inside.

His left hand fell down to Alphonse's hip, and he pressed against him hard, forcing his brother into the bed. Alphonse leaned backward, pulling Edward on top of him.

"Don't let go," Alphonse pleaded.

Alphonse cupped the side of Edward's face and rubbed his fingertips over every inch as if feeling him for the first time. His hand slid to Edward's chest, where he spread his fingers out, reaching every part he could and taking in all of his brother.

"You're tickling me."

"I'm sorry. I haven't been able to feel you."

He bent his head forward and inhaled his scent.

"You smell like soap," Alphonse stated. "I can smell you."

He moved his hand back upward, this time seizing Edward's hair. He lightly pulled at Edward's soft, loose locks, forcing small grunts from Edward's mouth.

"I can touch you."

"It's warm, your hand."

Alphonse's face glowed, and he pulled Edward closer, his groin pressing gently into Edward's knee.

Edward chuckled. "Wrong knee."

"Sorry." Alphonse laughed back.

Edward flashed a smile to tell him it was okay and replaced his knee with his left hand.

"Ah, Bother!" Alphonse gasped as Edward rubbed the sensitive area. "Please, don't stop."

He arched his back, pushing his body closer to Edward's.

Edward had no intention of stopping anytime soon, and having Alphonse's body even closer was a nice incentive. Without even thinking about it, he tugged at Alphonse's pajama pants until they were a bunched up piece of cloth on the floor. His own clothes followed.

Edward lay in bed on his back, his head slightly turned toward the window. The sunlight pouring in fell across his face, highlighting half while leaving the other in a bleak dusk. His right hand stayed shrouded in the cold. Even if it was in the light's path, he could not feel it's heat. Only a dead chill penetrated that arm.

Breathing softly, Alphonse lay beside his brother, shrouded from the sun by Edward's frame. He shivered lightly in the cool air, the blanket unable to keep him successfully warm enough.

A painful thud to the face woke Edward from his peaceful slumber. He peeked his eyes open and lifted the object so he could see it properly. A smile appeared across his face as he realized he was holding Alphonse's arm.

"I missed this arm," Edward whispered and lightly kissed it.

"Ah," Alphonse groaned as Edward's kiss woke him. "You're so big, I'm gonna ache for a week. Now I know why they really call you the Fullmetal Alchemist."

"Pervert."

Alphonse laughed and bounced closer to his brother, latching onto his metal arm and moving into the sunlight.

"This is my arm," Alphonse said. "Because you gave it up for me."

Edward looked at his arm, irritated that he couldn't feel Alphonse's touch through the steel frame.

"You think that was a hard decision for me? My arm is nothing compared to you, Alphonse, but I can't feel you with that arm."

He rolled over, lifting himself above Alphonse. His left hand seized his brother's shoulder, and he placed a light kiss on his forehead.

"So forget the arm. You can have all of me, and I won't let go or pull away."

Alphonse closed his eyes and sighed. A delicate smile slipped onto his face.

"You couldn't get rid of me if you wanted. We've come this far already. I'm not backing down now."

Edward dropped down until his body was pressed against his brother's. Resting his head against Alphonse's chest, he listened to his heartbeat and his breath, feeling their comfort. Closing his eyes, Edward made a promise that he'd never forget what it felt like to be with Alphonse, and he finally remembered exactly what first drew him to his little brother as children.

Alphonse's body was warm.

End