Just another Mondler stand-alone episode
I own nothing
Chandler: This cannot be happening!
Monica: Okay, the realtor said another couple made an offer. Maybe the Janice's won't get it! Maybe the other couple will.
Chandler: The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers.
Monica: (Thinks a little more) Okay, Okay, (clapping her hands) All right. What if we got both houses? Huh? We can turn this house into a guest house.
Chandler: That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!
Monica: Okay, you come up with an idea.
Chandler: Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out.
Monica: But we love our house.
Chandler: Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and (apes Janice's voice) "Oh My God"!
Monica: Okay, but if we don't get this house, she's stil gonna show up wherever we go! I mean, at least if she's here, it eliminates the element of suprise. I mean, never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body. (She shows this with her index finger, mimicking it pushing something up)
Chandler: (looks afraid, but at the same time, knows she's right) Well, we have to do something. We can't have her living next door. (Janice's laughs loudly outside) Oh, that does it too. (Motions with his index finger like Monica did)
Monica: Why is it always your ex-girlfriends we stumble upon!
Chandler: Oh are you saying you'd rather it be Richard or Pete
Monica: Please those two are living in houses worth three times this one!
Chandler: (thinking) You know with your choice of words right now you're practically neutering me!
Monica: I'm sorry I didn't mean that it's just her effect on me. I bet this is exactly what she wants, get us fighting and then you'll be back in her arms
Chandler: And there's the taste of vomit in my mouth
Monica: Well we've been out here like an hour with her and look at us!
Chandler: And you really think I'd have an affair with Janice
Monica: Well you dated her didn't you! You clearly must have found something attractive about her back then
Chandler: Monica if being with you has taught me anything it's that I will never go back to Janice when I have you to compare her to
Monica: You're comparing me to Janice!
Chandler: That sounded so much better in my head. Hold on I can do better (thinking) Alright the reason I will never leave you for Janice is that despite you both being controlling, shrill and dramatic women
Monica: You better hope there's a compliment in here somewhere Bing!
Chandler: Despite all that, I know that you would never hurt me like she did because you are incapable of hurting the people you love because you are many things Monica Bing but loyal most of all (Monica starts smiling) Forgive me?
Monica: Damn Bing you're good! (she kisses him) And hey for what it's worth despite you not having all the money that Richard and Pete have, I would never leave you for them because you are way too cute (they kiss and it starts to get passionate until they hear Janice's laugh in the background)
Monica: That sound is such a mood killer. With her as our neighbor we'll never be having sex again
Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh no
Monica: Are you joking at a time like this?
Chandler: Well I can't think of anything else to do can you! (Thinking) We have to get rid of her from our lives once and for all
Monica: Honey I know we had a romantic moment back there with you saying I'm loyal and everything but I'm not murdering anyone . . . even if its Janice
(Janice's laugh is heard in the background again)
Chandler: Are you still against murdering her after hearing that?
Monica: Yea she's a goner! Wait what if you make a move on her
Chandler: First off, have you ever seen me 'make a move' (Monica starts laughing) And second, Ewww!
Monica: Think about it, Janice is married too but if she thinks you want to start an affair with her it might give her second thoughts about getting this house. You are going to tap into her innate love for her husband
Chandler: Her innate love for her husband! Monica this is the same woman who cheated on me with the mattress king
Monica: Exactly! She clearly has a thing for her husbands
Chandler: Ok but what if the opposite happens, what if she thinks us having affair (he starts gagging) I can't even say it! What if she thinks it's a great idea. (Puts on Janice's voice) 'Screw Monica and let me screw you Bing!'
Monica: It's the only card we have left to play!
Chandler: You don't even know how to play cards! (they hear Janice coming back)
Monica: Our entire future rests on you seducing Janice. I'm going to go hide back here (she goes to walk away but then runs to Chandler and passionately kisses him) Just to remind you how good I am (she leaves and Chandler looks stunned. Janice enters)
Janice: Well... I just talked to Sid, we are definitely putting in an offer on the house... a-a-and I'll bet we get it.
Chandler: The Hitlers will be so disappointed.
Janice: All right, I got to run. Tell Monica I say goodbye. And... I'll see you later, neighbor. (Janice laugh)
Chandler: Wait! I just want you to know that... I'm so happy you're going to be here.
Janice: Oh, me too... (laughs)
Chandler: Because... that way... we can pick up where we left off.
Janice: Huh?
Chandler: I never stopped loving you.
Janice: Oh... my...
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein.
Janice: Chandler, what are you talking about?
Chandler: Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing.
Janice: I don't know what to say... I mean, you know, obviously we have this... heat between us.
Chandler: (stunned) Obviously.
Janice: But I love my husband. And I know you love your wife. Now, I don't think we should get this house now.
Chandler: Don't say that. Don't tangle the dream and take it away.
Janice: Chandler, one of us has got to be strong.
Chandler: I understand.
Janice: Although, maybe just... one last moment of weakness... (she kisses Chandler flat on the mouth. Chandler squirms. When she's finished, he looks at her lovingly but uneasily.) Goodbye Chandler Bing. (She leaves)
Chandler: (speaking as in pain) They're never coming down now (Monica enters)
Monica: (seeing Chandler in pain) What did she do to you?
Chandler: She kissed me . . . on the lips!
Monica: (she hugs him) Well I have never been so proud of you
Chandler: For kissing another woman?
Monica: You did what you had to do for our family's future and sanity. I mean if we didn't get rid of her our child's first word would have been 'oh my god'
Chandler: Yea but why couldn't I have gotten to do it with someone like Beyonce
Monica: I knew I should have never let you get her album. (She puts her arms around him) Well Bing-a-ling I think I owe you big time (she kisses him but stops abruptly and licks her lips) Only Janice could wear cherry flavored lipstick and actually pull it off
Chandler: so you were saying about owing me 'big time'
Monica: I have an idea of something we can do to make this day a lot better
Chandler: (sighs) You want to compare the dimensions of this house and our house don't you!
Monica: We could do that or . . . .
Scene: bedroom in the house, Monica and Chandler are in bed
Chandler: If is how you'll treat me when I kiss other women I think I'm going to make a habit of it
(The seller walks in with another couple)
Seller: As you can the see the bedroom is (sees Monica and Chandler) . . . And this is the lovely couple who just bought the house next door
Chandler: Welcome to the neighborhood