I started to write just two hours ago and this came about. I have notes at the bottom, but I suppose it is fair to warn that this is angst, bleak bleak angst. If you have problems with such thing (triggers et al) then skip this one. It is a companion to Behind Blue Eyes, Black Dog and Anxiety. I have some notes for the bottom.
In the darkness of the night Elsa lay on her bed. Another day had passed. Another day of lessons to be queen. Another day fighting to conceal her powers. To not feel so as not to provoke the ice.
A day of solitude bar moments with her father, moments of worrying to near sickness that she might harm him in a moment of lapse. A day once more forcing herself to eat despite the war between her head and her body as one craved food and the other claimed illness. A day that was yet to end as sleep remained elusive.
Her hands were folded upon her middle. She had taken the gloves off, hoping that now after ten years she might have one night without ice. Simply breathing, she tried to quiet her mind.
It was an act without thought, to put her hands to the bedsheets a moment to move her position to something more comfortable.
It was a mistake.
Cold crept, ran and rushed around, ice flowed from the bed and traced across the floor in patterns of jagged points and sharp crystals. The surfaces it met froze swiftly, frost racing from the epicentre as the guilty fingers touched the eiderdown. It reached the walls and began to climb, already the furniture sat with solid blue sheets of thick ice and crowns of pointed icicles pointing to the ceiling. Lantern covers and frame glass shattered from the cold and clinging grip of ice.
Elsa sobbed once, sat in place not daring to move lest she worsen the situation. Her eyes tight shut to hide from the shame of the truth.
Another wave, quicker than the first, fled her wretched body and left another dark layer of ice upon all in the room. Feelings at all fuelled the ice after all. The first tendrils had began their path across the ceiling. When she dared open her eyes Elsa could see it creeping and growing in thick bands.
"Stop it. Please." She whispered to her powers, to her hands to her very skin as only the cold kept her company. An isolation she had sought and despised since that fateful night ten years past.
Moonlight lent an eerie glow to room and the ice, the thick bands and cords above seemingly alive with malevolent purpose. Elsa watched them meet above her on the ceiling, crashing together like the broken icebergs that floated in the fjord at deep winter.
Though these cords of ice did not shatter and break to become smaller. They became one, one strong and reaching cord. Ice continued to flood the room, each time bringing more strength and volume to the reaching icicle above her. Her powers were both mesmerizing and terrifying.
One strip split off, wending its way down towards her. Another and then another began to reach too, following the pathfinder. Almost as if racing; it so quickly they moved.
A first arm reached her, taking her shoulder first and moving along her body. Its began forcing her up seated then standing from the bed. Locking onto her right ankle and her foot sealing them to the bed. A branch clove off and took her left.
The second and third joined, reaching her now. They began wrapping like ivy vines about her, around her body. Constricting, holding her prisoner physically as they had mentally for so long.
In a moment of clarity somehow Elsa discerned their intention. A calmness, a bliss, fell upon her mind with the realisation. At last her ice was obeying her will, her wish!
Her wish to finally end. To meet her death. To cease the suffering of her family.
It was right for this to happen; for she was wrong, cursed. Now she stood as a traitor ready for execution, held in place by guarding ice.
A final column flowed from the ceiling, taking her head in its grip. The dark ice was hard and strong like iron, it covered her eyes, her nose, her mouth. She let not a gasp escape, facing death with dignity and acceptance. Welcoming the fulfilment of her desire.
Suffocating, unable to breath in the cold grip Elsa knew her tears would not escape, she let herself fall limp in the binding ice.
She was dying, it was soon to be done. At the last of it, she wanted the ice to stop, to let her breath. It paid no to heed her thoughts.
Even if it was not obeying her command as she had first thought then at last the ice had finally turned on her, wretched being she was. Ending her and the curse for good.
Before the prophecy could become fact.
All would be well for the kingdom, for Anna, for Mama and Papa. They would be sad but safe and eventually accept the necessity of this ending. They would easily live without her, the gates could open again. Laughter and joy could return to Arendelle.
Elsa could finally feel the cold as the end came and her body gave up to the inevitable. It was a strange sensation, but welcome as the world went black.
-{*}-
A tap on the door. A sing-song call of "Do you want to build a snowman?" woke Elsa, laying atop her quilts.
Her eyelids opened swiftly though her whole being felt numb and unresponsive.
Had she not died a deserved death? The ice taking her blighted person from the earth? She still drew breath, her heart was beating.
Elsa surveyed her room. It was undamaged despite the events she'd seen in the night. Nary a trace of frost, ice or melt-water puddle remained within the four walls of her room. No damage to the glass or ice-scars on the woodwork, damp on the fabric or stains to the paint.
"A dream. It was only a dream." Elsa spoke to herself, footsteps trod away from her door, doleful in their pace and tempo. "Just another blessed dream. Such a coward I am to not do the deed needed." There was no intonation to the words. Just the same numbness she felt in body and soul.
A heavy weight settled on her chest, a counterpoint to the apathy the rest of her held. It had only been a dream, just a dream. It didn't frighten her how easily she welcomed death, maybe it was the coldness of her ice or the sure blackness of her heart. Whichever, whatever it was, Elsa was disappointed that her end had been a lie.
Elsa lay a-bed a while longer, it took time to motivate herself for a day after the disappointment of waking. Eventually she stood and went about her routine to ready herself for the day. Today was the day Mama and Papa left for their trip, it would be expected of her to see them off. They still seemed happy to see her when she left her room, when she attempted normalcy.
As she opened the blue patterned door to leave her room Elsa slipped her mask into place. Maybe one day the dream would be truth and she would no longer be a burden to those around her.
So, that happened.
Which is odd really. I'm not in my dark place. I have been feeling pretty okay with the world. Dealing with my change in employment and my job-searching. Have stuff to look forward to. Loved Frozen Fever, (had all the sisterly sympathy as I had a stinking cold but dragged myself out to take my sisters to see Cinderella as I promised. Littlest sis found the juxtaposition amusing and adorable...). I have been away from Frozen a while as I felt I wasn't doing my stories justice with the rubbish I was writing, I hope this marks a return while I also work on my other fics.
I guess I have been analysing the times I felt like this (oh teen years, if only I could have my current twenty-something me in my teen life!) and just wrote it out because it was on my mind. It is more truly a companion piece to Black Dog and Anxiety, but has a thematic linked to Behind Blue Eyes also.
If you feel like this then talk to someone. It does help.
Gefühllos means feeling loss. Like you're numb. I felt it worked for a title.