Teh Author's Note! Wahaha, Shiny new story on a shiny new account. :3 So, this is your author "Kaz" speaking! Time for the warnings and disclaimers!
WARNING! Contains much, much CRACK, OCCness, and overall stupidity. NON-YAOI! You've been warned.
DISCLAIMER! Naruto, it's characters, and it's epic concept do not belong to me. If I did, Deidara would have beat Sasuke's ass to tiny, insignificant, emo little shreds. All I own are a few OCs, and not even all of them at that.
Chapter 1: "SURPRISE!!"
"Art is fleeting, yeah!"
"Annoying brat! Everyone knows that beauty lies in everlasting works."
Cue the group sigh. It was once again another boring morning at the Akatsuki base, and our two favorite artists were once again having a heated argument over whose art was better. Now, one would think that a group of S-Ranked criminals would have something to do, but no, not our lovable...I mean, evil organization.
And so, the quarrel carried on. It promised to be another annoying, long, never ending one until...
BZZZZZPSHOOBOOOMBLAAAHFHZQXDG...ping
And everybody died.
...Just kidding.
The obnoxiously loud alarm rang through out the whole base; from the living room, to the dining room, to the kitchen, and even into Itachi's private bathroom that this author is not supposed to know about, thus causing annoyance, hilarious mishaps, and general mayhem in the Akatsuki.
Let's watch!
There was a cry of, "We're being robbed!!" which was followed by a crashing thud and raucous laughter. From beneath an unhealthily huge mass of pillows, blankets, and the occasional therapeutic, massage pillow, an unruly shock of raven hair popped up. Beady green eyes - the kind that could judge the initial value on any object in a matter of seconds - narrowed suspiciously. Two stitched together arms emerged from the comfortable heap and were positioned to attack. Kakuzu stood ready - if not blindly - to kill anyone who dared rob him. That is, until Hidan decided to speak up.
"Hah! You fucking pansy!" the Jashinist chortled, smoothing back his snow white hair with a comb. Growling, Kakuzu retreated into his pile of comfy objects, trying vainly to reclaim his lost sleep. He would have succeeded too, if not for...
CRAAAACK
Kakuzu once again popped his head out of the blanket-pillow-fort and blinked, curious as to why his partner - usually so loud - had abruptly stopped laughing. Bad idea.
Hidan held up his broken mirror - the glass cracked into dozens of irreplaceable pieces by the deafening boom of the alarm - and blinked. His violet eyes were the size of saucers, and he stood in shocked silence. But the blissful silence only lasted a moment, and before Kakuzu could even slip in one snide remark...
"NOOOOOO!! FUCK MY LIFE!! MY FAVORITE MIRROR, GOOOONE!! I'LL KILL THE MOTHER FUCKING BITCH WHO DID THIS TO MEEEEEE!!" came the banshee-like scream, even louder than the alarm. Growling, and knowing that all chances of recovering his sleep were destroyed, Kakuzu snatched up his hitai-ate and prepared to get ready and face the day - which promised to be a terrible one. Oh, if only he knew...
"C'mon shit-eater. We're going to see who the hell is responsible for all this shit," his partner raged, grabbing the unfortunate treasurer's arm and dragging him out of his room with such force that his arm nearly came un-stitched.
Sprawled on top of his bed, with the bright orange sheets tangled around his body, a certain Good Boy slept soundly, clutching his stuffed penguin to his chest. But all hopes of saving Princess Penguin from Deidara-Bowser were lost as the deafening boom of the alarm burst his dream bubble.
"Meeeerfugglewooooorf," Tobi snorted, cracking one sleep-encrusted eye open. Licking his lips absently, he rolled himself off the comfortable marshmallow-quality mattress and hit the floor with a dull thud. Crawling towards the door sluggishly, he snatched up his swirled masked and stuck it on top of his head sleepily (not realizing that it was on the wrong way, thus exposing his face). Using the knob for support, Tobi hoisted himself up and managed to open the door. Falling back down, he crawled his way down the hall - both to find the source of the noise, and to steal Deidara's coffee.
"Tobi...Is not a good boy in the morning..."
"Hn," the eldest Uchiha said to himself. Snores filled the background - coming from Kisame, of course - causing the Uchiha to mutter 'Hn' again. He was currently wearing his pajamas (which this author was prohibited from describing, lest she be Mangekyo Sharingan'd) and hadn't had the time to smooth down his long hair into something presentable. Sending a glare at the sleeping fish-man-thing, Itachi held the case of fish flakes in his slender fingers and had to work to resist crushing the small bottle in his annoyance. Facing the massive aquarium, the Uchiha carelessly dumped a handful of the smelly flakes into the huge tank. Scrunching his nose in distaste, Itachi idly watched a massive piranha come out of a kelp bush and ravage the meat-flavored flakes, wondering why in Hell he was even doing this. Until the alarm started ringing.
Of course, Itachi wasn't surprised by such a thing; having the Duck-Butt for a younger brother had made him immune to such disturbances. However, the poor fish wasn't prepared. It opened its fanged little mouth until it was big enough to swallow Itachi's hand whole. A few air bubbles escaped it, almost in a scream of terror. There was a pause, and then the fish floated up to the top of the tank on its side, dead. Itachi stared at the tank for a few moments in silence, relieved that the stupid thing was finally dead. Kisame may have insisted that being bitten and having bits of your flesh torn off was a sign of affection, but the Uchiha hated that stupid thing. However, before he could have an inner self party, there was a loud snore, followed by some sniffling, and then a yawn.
Kisame was awake. And the fish was dead. His favorite fish was dead. Oh crap.
Itachi stood in a perfect stance of emotionless-ness, thinking of a plan. He was an Uchiha after all; there must be something he could do. But there was a shuffling noise, meaning that Kisame was coming over to check his damned fish. Oh crap. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.
"'Morning Itachi," Kisame muttered, idly running his fingers through his sapphire hair. Itachi - freaking out on the inside; for what could be worse than the awakened wrath of an angry fish-man? - stood in stony silence and nodded curtly. Kisame lumbered over to the massive tank and peered in, looking for his prized piranha.
"Oi, where's Veronica? She hiding again?" he questioned, squinting into the empty tank. It seemed that he was not fully awake yet, and didn't notice the massive dead thing floating at the top of the aquarium. Maybe Itachi was safe after - Wait! Kisame froze, and his fishy little eyes widened with shock and realization. Turning his head slowly - Itachi was suddenly reminded of the Exorcist girl - the blue man glared at his partner.
"Murderer!" he cried, jabbing an accusing finger at the raven-haired male, "So, the entire Uchiha clan wasn't enough, eh? You had to get Veronica too, huh? Murderer!!"
"Kisame, I -"
"I will not have it! All this time you were actually pretending to like her, eh? But you were secretly planning to do her in all this time!! My God, I should have seen it coming!!"
"Listen you fool. The base's alarm went off, stunning the wretched thing. And I never pretended to like that nasty creature. It deserves its fate," Itachi said coldly, sending his patented glare to both the fish-man and the dead creature. He reached out and grabbed his partner's shirt, dragging the stunned unfortunate out of the room and into the Akatsuki gathering hall. Something was up, and dead fish or no dead fish, Itachi was going to find out.
In the Main Hall of Super Secret Gatherings, there was much muttering, grumblings, and the usual swears from Hidan. But everyone fell silent as the Leader came in, still in his pajamas and holding up a cup of steaming coffee. Before everyone could start yelling and complaining, he sent them all a terrifying glare, silencing them all for at least the next five minutes. Even the cheery bells on Pein's bunny slippers were quieted.
"So, I can see you all heard the alarm," he started seriously. There were a few nods, many grumbles, and a snort coming from Deidara (who held Sasori's arm from when he had pulled it off the puppet in his surprise).
"Good. Now, you're all probably wondering why Konan and I set it off, yes?" he asked, looking at all their tired and annoyed faces. There were more nods, but before he could further explain the cause of the booming wake-up call, a certain Good Boy came crawling into the room.
"Meeeh. I neeeed...Sleeep," Tobi mumbled, looking a lot like that girl from the Grudge as he crawled his way to Pein. Using Konan's arm for support, he stood, wobbled for a moment, and snatched Pein's steaming coffee mug (It read, 'World's Best Leader Of An Evil Organization!'). Shuffling towards Deidara, he downed the black liquid in one gulp, and stared at the leader blearily. There was a silence, until Pein decided to ignore the strange happening and went on.
"Yes...Well, we seem to have a problem."
"We're out of money?" Kakuzu demanded. Sighing, Pein shook his head.
"No. I doubt that would ever happen with you here," he paused so that Kakuzu could allow himself a smug little smirk, "What happened is worse. This morning, I woke up and..."
He paused again for dramatic effect.
"It seems that a rift in the space-time continuum has formed in my room. Actually, right over my bed."
He allowed another pause, both for dramatic effect and to let the news sink in.
"Is...That even physically possible, hmm?" Deidara questioned, tilting his head to the side.
"Normally, no. But anything is possible in a crack fic," Pein responded gravely. There was another group nod, accompanied by a few shudders. Ah yes, the illogical wonders of a crack fic. Moving along!
"So what do we do about it?" Sasori questioned, snatching back his arm and deftly reattaching it to himself. Konan spoke up, pulling off the black curlers in her cobalt hair as she did so.
"Well, obviously we need to go and see where this portal leads. That way, we can find some way to close it," the single female recited, "Haven't you been keeping up with Fan Fictions?"
Konan retreated into Pein's room, and gestured for the rest of the group to follow. Once they were all inside, she pointed to a massive, swirly, colorful, and overall sparkly blob that hovered over Pein's unmade bed.
"Are you sure the damn thing is safe to go in?" Hidan commented, scrunching up his nose as a pillow was sucked in the portal with a sickening plop.
"What's the worst that could happen, un?" Deidara responded, hopping unto the bed confidently.
"Oh I don't know...How about ending in some Jashin-forasken, shitty place with half our limbs missing because they were sucked into another fucking dimension?" the snow-haired male shot back bitterly. By this time, most of the Akatsuki were poised on the mattress, ready to jump into the rift.
"Stop wasting time," Sasori cut in crisply, "We don't have all day. Besides, from the way you're acting, I'd say you're scared."
"Like Hell I am! Fine, fuck-face, let's see who scared!" The Jashinist barked, diving head-first into the rainbow-colored pool of pulsating prettiness. There was silence, and each Akatsuki member was waiting to hear Hidan's screams of pain.
"Hmm, it seems safe," Sasori decided after a few more minutes of minutes. Kakuzu chuckled quietly.
"So that was your plan?" he questioned the red-head. Sasori nodded somberly.
"Of course. I doubt any of us would be dumb enough to jump into a rift in the space-time continuum without knowing if it was safe or not," the puppet explained, "Now, shall we?"
One by one, each Akatsuki member (save for Zetsu, who was on a clean-up mission and hadn't yet returned) took the plunge into the pulsating swirl, disappearing until the room was empty.
Deidara gasped for air, but there was none in the swirling vortex. Flailing wordlessly, he attempted to swim away before he choked or something. But even though it had been a few minutes, he hadn't yet felt the effect of the lack of air. Of course, he was suspended outside of space and time. What fun.
Maybe Hidan was stuck in another dimension, where he was being attacked by rabid pink fluff-bunnies. Deidara laughed at the thought. Apparently being stuck in an airless vacuum was messing with his mind. But before any other inappropriately stupid thought could float into his mind, there was an unpleasant sensation of being squeezed through a tube, and then a blinding flash of light.
Blinking, the blonde looked around the grassy field he was in, dotted by the occasional tree. The squishy ground he was on quivered and he was pushed off, landing hard on his backside.
Temporarily winded, the artist looked into the chilling red eyes of the Uchiha. Gasping, he crawled back, and saw the rest of the Akatsuki all tangled together in a mass of quivering limbs. Deidara saw Sasori's head sticking out from underneath a pile of un-recognizable limbs and crawled over to it.
"...Danna?"
"...Yes, Deidara?"
"Are you okay, un?"
"...No, Deidara I am not okay."
"Oh. Okay, just checking, un."
Before Sasori could even make a rude comment - lest make a move to attack his partner - a shrill whistle was blown, calling everyone's attention to a lone teenaged girl standing before them all. Her raven hair was suspiciously similar to Sasuke's, but the ends were slightly curled. She looked simply annoyed and glared at all the Akatsuki, her chocolate eyes narrowed into evil little slits. Maybe coming here wasn't such a good idea...
She held a blue clipboard out in a rather threatening gesture, slightly rumpling the black and white, striped shirt she wore. Her expression was not one of anger, but rather impatience and annoyance. Her chocolate eyes scanned the faces of each member, before she huffed in distaste.
"I ask for trained specialists, and this load of crap is what I get, ja?!" she muttered, waving her clipboard rather threateningly. Deidara's eyes - and most of the other member's eyes too - were focused on the wooden-paddle-like-thing she had strapped to her back. Big, bold, black letters read 'YAOI'. It looked dangerous and humiliating, to say the least.
"Well? Aren't you going to do anything, ja?" she asked, once again waving the clipboard at them.
"Excuse me?" Sasori questioned, the usual monotone accompanied by just a hint of incredulity, so that only Deidara actually heard it. The raven-haired girl scrunched up her nose.
"You're late, ja! I hired the Akatsuki only because a trusted staff member said you guys were the best! A summer camp doesn't run itself, ya know!"
...Summer...Camp...?
Wahaha! The most evil story I have ever had the compulsive urge to write! -nyahaha-
So, this is my first attempt at Crack. Why? I can't honestly tell you. Anyway! This is indeed an INTERACTIVE story. How, you ask? Simple!
Now, If you are interested in joining my evil tale, here is what's going down. There will be a total of FIVE cabins. I'm allowing TWENTY people to join up, so that's FOUR people to a cabin. Got it so far? Good!
We need INSTRUCTORS, as in people to teach of sunny camp-goers. Now, who are the camp go-ers? Haha, it is a mix of YOU people and the NARUTO cast. Because I'm just that evil. So, still interested? Good!
If ya wann join, just fill out this here form:
Name:
Age:
Gender:
Physical Features/Outfit:
Any Special Powers? (Keep it reasonable, dammit!)
Quirks:
"History" (Optional)
Crush: (If any) (NOTE! Besides the Akatsuki, there will be other Naruto characters in here)
Cabin #
Now then! If you wanna be an instructor, just stick in what class you want to teach! Make it as normal, dangerous, stupid, or special as you want it! (NOTE! Art class is reserved by Deidara and Sasori. Just 'Cause.)
So far, the free cabins are: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
So submit your characters! Go go go!
And as always, enjoy the story. Muahaha.