Legolas
Legolas loved Estel like a brother, but right now, he really just needed his friend to leave him alone.
"I think I'll go scout the area once more before bed."
"Legolas, not this again," Estel groaned. "I scouted the area before we lay down. There's nothing out there."
"It can't hurt to check."
"Yes, it can! It's pitch black, the clouds are covering the stars. Even you can't see through this darkness."
"So I'll take a torch," Legolas growled.
"And risk setting the forest on fire? Just relax, mellon nin, everything is fine. What's gotten you so worked up?"
Legolas silently cursed himself for not finding an opportunity to slip away earlier, but it wasn't like there had been many chances. After he and Estel were attacked by orcs, Estel had hovered relentlessly, worried that the prince was hiding some injury.
They'd ridden hard the next day, hurrying back to Imladris to tell Elrond about the orcs, giving Legolas no chance to snatch a moment alone. Now, it had been three days, and he was getting desperate.
"I have to go, Estel, just stay here," he snapped, more harshly than he'd meant. He'd apologize when he got back, when his head was in a better space. Legolas stalked away through the trees. Estel was right, it was dark, and he kept a hand in front of his face, though the trees did a good job of warning him if he was about to walk into one of them.
He didn't dare get too far from camp for fear of becoming lost. Legolas stopped and quickly unstrapped his left bracer. His dagger was at his belt, as always, and he set the tip to his inner forearm, making seven rapid cuts. They went a little deeper than he'd intended and the prince pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, one he'd learned to carry around at all times for this eventuality.
Legolas pressed the white fabric to the wounds, waiting patiently for the bleeding to stop. He already felt better. He smiled and enjoyed the sensation of being light, even cheerful. He'd be able to enjoy teasing and bantering with Estel again, at least for a few days, until he needed to do this again.
The bleeding had almost stopped when he heard something that he'd only heard before in his nightmares.
"Legolas! Mellon nin, what happened?"
Estel rushed forward to examine his arm, and Legolas knew he should pull away, but he was frozen in terror. No. Estel couldn't find out, he couldn't. He'd managed to hide this from his best friend for years, Legolas could not let the man learn of his secret now.
Estel held a lantern in one hand and gently examined Legolas' arm with the other. "Mellon nin?" His voice was soft and gentle, and Legolas couldn't stand it. He wrenched himself away and ran wildly back to camp. He beat Estel there and was in bed, with his trusty arm bracers on, before the man even made the edges of the camp.
Legolas turned over and pretended to be asleep, but Estel paid this no mind, pulling him around and extracting his arm. "Leave me, Estel, I'm fine," Legolas growled.
"You are not fine, gwador, you are hurt! I will see it."
What was the point? Estel already knew. Legolas gave up struggling and allowed his friend to examine his arm. To his horror, Estel quickly unstrapped his other bracer and moved to examine his right arm as well, which revealed a number of old cuts.
Legolas found he couldn't look at his friend. What would Estel think, to know that the elf he so admired was in fact incapable of coping with normal life without cutting himself? Would he be angry? Disgusted? Disappointed?
Estel calmly bandaged the new cuts and wiped away the excess blood. Then he surprised Legolas by pulling him into a long hug. "I'm so sorry, mellon nin," he whispered. "I'm so sorry you're in pain. You should have told me."
Legolas opened his mouth to tell Estel he wasn't in pain, that he was fine, but that wasn't what came out. What came out was a ragged sob, swiftly followed by another. What was wrong with him? He was fine, why was he crying so desperately into his friend's shoulder?
Estel held him tenderly as Legolas wept, clinging to his friend as turbulent emotions threatened to overwhelm him. The man started whispering soothing things in his ear, which for some reason made Legolas cry even harder. He'd been holding this for so long on his own, he didn't know how to handle another person knowing.
"Estel – please –" Legolas didn't know what he was asking for, and Estel didn't push him for an answer, simply holding him, letting Legolas completely break down in his arms. Surprisingly, it felt good to cry, like pain was slowly being leached from his body. When was the last time he'd cried? Legolas couldn't remember.
He didn't know how long they stayed like that. Eventually, Legolas pulled away, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."
Estel was giving him a look that was far too understanding for Legolas' tastes. "You're hurting, that's what came over you. I wish you'd shared your burden with me before, but that doesn't matter now. Have you told anyone else?"
"'Anyone else' implies I told you, which I didn't, you interfering human." Legolas couldn't quite muster up a grin, but Estel smiled at his teasing tone.
"Well if this is the kind of thing you think is ok to keep from me, I'm going to have to be a lot more interfering. We're a day out of Imladris, and when we get there, you're going to talk to Ada."
"Seriously, Estel, the cuts aren't that bad. I've had much worse."
"I know, I saw." The man's tone was suddenly grave. "You're talking to Ada because you need to stop this, gwador."
"I can't!" Legolas tried to quell the sudden panic that Estel's words caused.
"Yes, I figured that much out for myself. You need Ada because he's going to help you."
"I'm not sick, Estel, a healer can't help me."
"You are," Estel said firmly. He pressed a hand to Legolas' chest, over his beating heart. "In here, you are, and Ada will help."
"I don't want anyone else to know."
"Ada will be discrete, if you ask him to, but you have to accept his help, mellon nin. Saes."
How could he refuse that sad look filled with pleading?
"I – ok, but only Elrond."
"Agreed. One more thing. I doubt even with his help, you'll be able to stop at once. While you're working on it with him, if you need to cut, I want you to come to me."
"No, Estel, I need it, I won't have you stopping me!"
Estel took a deep breath. "I won't stop you." He paused, as if his words were costing him great effort. "I know you wouldn't come to me if I did that."
"Then why?"
"I want to be with you when you do it."
Legolas couldn't fathom the reasoning for this. "That's just stupid, Estel. You know it'll hurt you to see me doing that to myself. You'll just be torturing yourself for nothing."
"Not for nothing. Look at this, Legolas. Here, and here, these were too deep, way too deep. And look at this – this one here could have killed you, I'm surprised it didn't. Until you can stop doing this, I will be with you when you do, to make sure you don't go too deep by accident, or to stitch you up if you do."
"What – what if I can't stop? Ever?"
Estel swallowed. "Then I will be with you every time you need me until I pass from this world, after which you will meet me in Valinor. If you can't find peace here, then I pray you can at least find it there."
Never had Legolas been so grateful that Estel was destined for Valinor when he died. He found his lip was trembling, and Estel pulled him into another hug. Legolas took deep breaths, trying to push the tears away. There was nothing to be sad about. Estel was going to help him. He should be happy.
In a way, he was, but he was also terrified by Estel's knowing, not to mention deeply moved by his friend's devotion. Estel maneuvered them so that they were lying down, never letting go of him. Sniffling, Legolas wound his arms around the man. They fell asleep like that, and when they woke the next morning, Legolas woke smiling.
Aragorn
One year later
"Estel?"
Aragorn quickly composed his features, hiding a grimace. He knew that tone, and he dreaded it more than anything. "Coming." He forced a smile for Legolas' sake. It was on his insistence that the prince included him in this, after all.
Elrond frowned as the two of them left the dining hall half way through lunch. Aragorn shot his father a desperate look, but there was nothing more the elf lord could do. He'd been working on helping Legolas for a year now, with both medications to be taken every morning and extensive daily talks that delved into the prince's past, present and future.
Legolas was at least cutting less often – once a week or so instead of every second day – but Aragorn was far from used to it. If anything, it got worse every time. Legolas insisted he didn't feel the pain, only the pleasure, but Aragorn certainly felt enough pain for both of them.
"You don't have to do this, Estel," Legolas sighed, opening the door to his chambers.
"I want to be with you."
"I'm hurting you."
"You're hurting yourself more." Lie. He was sure Legolas could see it in his face, but the prince didn't call him out. He just nodded and got out his knife.
"Wait."
Legolas paused, looking quizzically at his friend.
"Don't do this, Legolas. Please."
The prince sighed sadly. "We've been through this, Estel. I've been resisting as long as I can, I swear it, but I can't go without this."
Aragorn knew the truth of that. For the past three days, Legolas had been utterly miserable. Cutting really did make him feel better.
"Maybe we should try something else," he suggested desperately. "Something else to make you feel better."
"We've tried that, Estel! We've literally tried everything, nothing works. Now unless you have any other suggestions…"
Aragorn panicked as Legolas brought the blade closer to his arm. He couldn't watch this again, he couldn't. But he wouldn't leave his friend to suffer alone either.
He wasn't thinking, just acting. Before he could stop himself, Aragorn was taking Legolas' face in his hands and kissing him. Legolas froze under his touch, and Aragorn pulled back, anxiously reading the elf's expression.
The prince tilted his head to the side for a moment, thinking. Then he tentatively pressed his lips back to Aragorn's. They kissed slowly, exploring each other with every touch. Aragorn's heart was pounding, and Legolas' hands were tangled in his hair.
He thought he understood, now, the high Legolas always talked about getting from cutting. Surely, no high could be greater than this. Aragorn felt like he could float away and soar through the clouds.
He opened his mouth, and Legolas gasped into their kiss, pulling the man's tongue in to dance with his. The kiss heated up until Aragorn finally had to break away to breathe, gasping for air.
Legolas gave him a dreamy smile. The knife lay tossed aside. Did Aragorn dare hope?
"Do… do you still need to cut?"
Legolas glanced at the blade in surprise, apparently having forgotten about it. He turned back to Aragorn, smiling, his eyes brighter than the man had seen them in a long time. "No. This is better."
Then he leaned in for another kiss.