Fandom: Lost FPS

Title: From confidence to confidence

Pairing: Sawyer/Charlie

Rating: NC-17 (?)

Prompt: 30 - "Denial"

Word count: 3623

Spoilers: a little bit from "The Con" I guess…

Warnings: slash = man sex, but I guess we're all aware of that in here… aside from that, none.

Disclaimer: I don't own LOST or any of the characters or sceneries in the show.

A/N: This fic is set immediately after the end of "the con" and was supposed to be another pg pwp-pieces, but for once I actually lost myself and actually got to writing semi-smut. Well, nothing major, but I almost never write the actual sex part, and now I did… so go gently on me on that one!

:::

"I'm a bad person, Charlie", he murmured. "Never did a good thing in my life."

Charlie watched intensely as the colours in the other man's eyes flickered in the darkness, whilst keeping his own gaze guarded from a possible, mirroring stare. He knew Sawyer was telling him the truth for once, and yet he felt an objection struggle at the tip of his tongue. But he kept his lips pressed together. And silently he brushed passed Sawyer and walked away down the beach.

As he sat down in the sand outside his provisional tent and gazed out across the dark ocean, sprinkled with dots of light from the pale half-moon, he focused all of his thoughts on trying to discern a pattern in the jumble of feelings he felt erupt within his chest. There was a faint outline zigzagging between guilt, angst and hopelessness, all of them concentrated on Claire and Sun. But then there was also another feeling coming in and out of focus between all the rest, one that didn't feel all that unpleasant. And yet it did. But Charlie couldn't quite identify it, so it was difficult to tell for sure. Just as he got close to any sort of realization, it slipped away before he had a chance of recognizing it.

Charlie sighed and leaned back on his elbows. There was no point in trying to sort all of this out. Not at this time, this particular night, so soon. He'd be better off trying not to think about it at all, by pretending, at least for a night, that none of it had ever happened, that his surroundings and his entire existence hadn't just plummeted and left him lonely and lost at the end of the world.

He closed his eyes.

Better to just stop thinking all together, to pretend he hadn't ended up being the biggest mistake of his life, that he actually still had something to live for. Better to just stop thinking all together, take a deep breath and prepare for the plunge.

"Looks like I ain't the only one sufferin' from insomnia …" an all too familiar voice drawled from somewhere to his left.

"How'd ye know 'm not sleepin' … my eyes're closed", he muttered and felt, rather than heard, the other man chuckle to himself.

"Ya'r eyes're closed", Sawyer agreed. "But ya're thinking' so hard I can hear ya from here …"

"… 's that so", Charlie muttered. "Well, maybe I'm dreamin'."

"Nah, don' think you are, since ya're talkin' to me …" replied Sawyer with that light tone of his, which Charlie recognized as being the one he used when he was also smirking in that smug way of his, and he debated with himself on whether he should open his eyes or not.

"Could be havin' a nightmare", he suggested as he opened his eyes and gave Sawyer a playful look.

"Could be …" Sawyer agreed, his dimples deepening, and he walked over and sat down in the sand next to him, as though he considered it an invitation that Charlie opened his eyes. And perhaps that is what it was, Charlie thought. But then he pointedly went back to not thinking, and just watched the man at his side.

Sawyer's eyes were guarded now, almost misty, but then again, it could just be the semi-darkness that clouded them with shadows. Charlie traced the vague outline of his own troubled thoughts across the frown on Sawyer's face, and allowed his gaze to linger at the spot between the man's eyebrows where they came together in a deep and worried line.

"What're ye thinking'?" Charlie asked before he could stop himself, before he knew what he was saying, and as he listened to his own question, slipping away into the dark quiet between them, he realized he was actually curious.

A ghost of a smile fluttered across Sawyer's face, but it could just as well have been a trick of the light, or the absence of it. Charlie didn't speak again, instead he waited, patiently, for Sawyer to answer the question, or not answering it. Either way, he waited.

"Thinkin' bout what I told ya… why I told ya…" Sawyer murmured. "why I'd be honest with ya… 'cause, ya know…as you might've noticed, tha's not my forte…"

Charlie snorted but didn't reply. He watched the line of the horizon, or at least he thought he was watching the line of the horizon, but it was difficult to tell, it wasn't exactly easy to make it out in the darkness. He felt Sawyer's sideway glance as it him, but he didn't turn his head to confirm it. He watched the darkness where the line of the horizon ought to be, and kept waiting, because something told him Sawyer had more to tell him.

"Wha'bout you?" Sawyer mumbled, "Wha're ya thinking'… right now?"

"Nothin'…" Charlie replied at once. But when he felt the emptiness of the word reflect how he felt, he quickly added:

"I' mean… nothing' special, just stuff… Claire… Sun… you…" he fell silent again.

Still staring unseeingly into the darkness, he felt his heart begin to beat harder, faster; he hadn't meant to say that, he hadn't even meant to think it. What did it mean, he thought frantically. What the fuck did it mean? He felt Sawyer's eyes on him again, not a hurried glance this time, but a deliberately long and probing stare. He still didn't turn his head.

"What about me?" Sawyer asked, simply, calmly, yet tinged with the aftertaste of a challenge.

"Just… everythin' ye know… this whole…" he raised one arm and gestures vaguely with his hand, "thing."

"Right."

"Just everything, ye know", he repeated and finally turned his head, his face guarded and his eyes glazed with a fake light of sincerity.

"Right", Sawyer repeated as well, his eyes were dark again.

A trick of the light, or the absence thereof, nothing more, Charlie told himself. He wet his lips and looked away again. He didn't catch the flicker in the darkness, the trick of darkness, or whatever it was. He told himself he hadn't caught the flicker, as Sawyer's gaze dropped to his mouth and took in the sight of his tongue, darting out to wipe a wet trail across his chipped lips. He hadn't seen it. He watched the darkness where the line of the horizon ought to have been, and swallowed discretely a couple of times.

He felt the sand around him shift. He glanced to the side and realized it was Sawyer who'd shifted. Moved closer to him. But he was looking away. Sawyer was looking in the opposite direction. Maybe he hadn't meant to move closer, perhaps it'd been an unintentional coincidence, Charlie thought and felt himself tense.

But then Sawyer turned his head back again. His eyes bore into Charlie's before he had a chance of averting them and Charlie could see that it wasn't a trick of the light, and that they weren't darker either, but lit up from within by some sort of fiery emotion. Charlie found himself unable to look away, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't induce himself to avert his eyes.

"Charlie…" Sawyer began, his voice even deeper and huskier than before, but then he fell silent again, as though he'd cut himself off. The line between his eyebrows deepened as he seemed to search for the right words, and he searched for them in Charlie's eyes, it seemed.

"Yea…" Charlie whispered after a while, mimicking Sawyer's low-key tone without intending to, and he cleared his throat immediately when he heard himself.

"I'm sorry…" Sawyer whispered, he was already leaning away from Charlie. And when Charlie opened his mouth to reply, he was already on his feet and moving away. One moment later the darkness had completely swallowed him up.

:::

Charlie found him the next day, sitting in his tent with a paperback up against his face, just like old times, before the raft. Of course, he sensed Charlie's presence even before he'd approached, and looked up with that smug smirk of his plastered onto his face. If it weren't for the fact that Charlie now realized that the smirk worked as a shield, he'd have been relieved to see it. But he wasn't.

"Well, well, well…" Sawyer drawled playfully. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this grand visit?"

"Shove off…" Charlie muttered, looking away, shifting uncomfortably, trying to seem annoyed with him, but only half succeeding. "I need to talk to ye…" he added softly, urgently, and watched the same light from the night before briefly flicker by the other man's eyes. He gave a short nod, even though he sighed as he got to his feet.

"Lead the way, Princess…" He mumbled and made a sweeping gesture with his hand.

Charlie did. He lead the way into the jungle, passed the caves, as far as he got before the other man protested behind him, panting slightly and already frowning as Charlie pulled to a halt and turned around to face him.

"Wanna tell me wha' this is about, Junior?"

"I told you, I want to talk…"

"So…" Sawyer said at length, a sarcastic tone to his voice, "Talk."

"In a minute!" Charlie muttered, earning a snort of laughter from the taller man. He eyed him cautiously, then spoke up again. "Last night…"

"Yeah…?"

"You… What did you- Did you- What did-"

"Starting to repeat yourself there, Elvis-"

"­-You… Elvis?"

Sawyer rolled his eyes and stifled a sigh, "Just get to the point already!"

"Right… Well, anyway… What we did, that was…-"

Sawyer nodded impatiently before he had time to finish, looking away with an air of what appeared to be annoyance, but was in fact discomfort, Charlie realized.

"Yea, abou' that," he said. "Ya shouldn't be talkin' to me where's people around… might seem suspicious…"

"Oh" Charlie said, not knowing what else he could say to that, trying to remember what point he'd been trying to make earlier.

"So we almost done here, or…?" Sawyer went on casually, trailing off suggestively, already turning to leave.

"No", Charlie said simply, causing Sawyer to almost stumble over his feet before he fully turned around again and gave him questioning look.

"Fine. I won't come up to ye where people might see us together." Charlie added. There was a clipped tone to his voice. Sawyer's nod was hesitant. Charlie drew a breath before he spoke again, as though steeling himself. "I wanted to talk to you about what happened afterwards… about what we were talkin' about on the beach?"

"What about it?" Sawyer questioned warily, immediately pulling himself away, into his shell of guarding frowns and dimple flashes, his shoulders and legs tensed up, ready to take flight. Charlie knew all of this was as unconsciously as it was reflex, but it was curious to watch.

"What happened? Between us, I mean… Or was it just me?"

"Just you" Sawyer muttered without missing a beat, trying to conceal it as a flippant joke, which could have worked if it weren't for the wild look in his eyes that gave him away.

"Because I coulda swore there was somethin' goin' on… something changed between us…"

"You're kiddin' ya cute self there, Daddy-O…-" Sawyer interrupted dryly.

"Will you just stop it! Quit fucking around, I'm serious! Now, I felt something happening between us last night, and I know you felt it too! So quit denying it and let's talk about this!"

Charlie realized, using the same approach as his mother used to use on him and Liam when they were kids, wasn't the right one, when Sawyer had already brushed past him with an unintelligible growl in reply and started stomping away, back in the general direction of the camp. Charlie stayed put for moment, watching him go, debating with himself on whether he should leave it alone or press the matter further. As it were, he decided on the latter and ran to catch up with him.

"You just never lay off, do ya!" Sawyer yelled in frustration when Charlie had all but collided with him, before grabbing both his arms and forcing him to stop.

But considering the fact that Sawyer was at least twice as strong as Charlie, he could only be standing still because he himself wanted to, so Charlie saw it sufficiently safe to let go of his arms, but ended up just loosing the grip a little, whilst staring into the taller man's face. Sawyer met his stare defiantly at first, but then started squirming slightly, before eventually looking away, scowling.

"So…" he muttered darkly, "Fucking talk!"

But Charlie had come to yet another realization and that was that he wasn't going to be able to talk Sawyer to his senses. So instead, he released the grip on his arms entirely, then quickly reached up and grabbed Sawyer by the shoulders. He tugged him down forcefully and slammed their mouths together, hard, before Sawyer could say anything else, or tear himself loose.

The kiss lasted for several heartbeats. Charlie could feel Sawyer's shocked eyes burning against his own lowered eyelids. They stood frozen, immobile, firmly attached by the lips, holding their breaths. Charlie silently counted his own heartbeats, numbly registering the increase of rate whilst waiting for Sawyer to push him away, and possibly even punch him, as soon as he'd shook himself out of his state of shock. But Sawyer didn't seem to be able to shake out of it. And finally, Charlie gingerly pulled away a fraction, breaking the kiss but keeping his hands on Sawyer's shoulders.

Sawyer had to hunch forward because of their difference in height. His hair had fallen into his face. His gaze shone even wilder than before, but now it was tinged with a streak of uncertainty and disorientation. He was gazing at Charlie as though he was searching for something and he seemed to be searching for it in Charlie's eyes. Charlie swallowed hard, then cautiously, slowly, leaned back in.

This time, Sawyer jerked out of reached, not tearing himself out of Charlie's awkward embrace, but tilting his head back, staring at Charlie warily, his lips trembling slightly, his eyebrows drawing together. Charlie opened his mouth to speak. His mind was screaming at him to run while he still had a chance, but he couldn't seem to move his feet.

Then he realized Sawyer was trembling. Charlie eased his grip on his shoulders a little, moving his hands in soothing circles, then looking up again, wetting his lips, fixing the other man with a hard and sincere look, gaining an air of confidence although his heart was hammering almost painfully in his chest now.

"It's alright…" he murmured, his voice almost cracking. He cleared his throat, then whispered, "'S just me… you can trust me, yeah? Like I trust you…"

Sawyer's head gave another little jerk, this time in the shape of a spasmodic shake. Charlie pressed his thumbs into the hollows above his collarbones, squeezing his shoulders reassuringly.

"I do. I trust you… I want you to trust me, too… I want you to- I…" he swallowed the words, but they were out in the space between them anyway, vibrant in the air passed between their mouths, visible in the glimmer in his eyes. But he didn't pronounce it. If he had, it would probably have been too much and Sawyer would have bolted. Instead he tried to lean in again, carefully, slowly, locking their mouths together for a second time, encouraged when Sawyer didn't cringe or broke away.

This time, he caught the movement of Sawyer's eyelashes just before he closed his own eyes and when he gently pushed his lips against Sawyer's, he was thrilled to feel him immediately push back. Sawyer's lips were soft, Charlie realized. He couldn't believe how soft they were.

Within seconds they had deepened the kiss. Charlie wasn't sure who'd initiated the move, but Sawyer's tongue was warm and swirled around his own in an almost playful manner. Their teeth clashed together awkwardly a couple of times, but the tingling sensation brought by tasting the roof of Sawyer's mouth drowned out all the others in him, blocking out all and any thoughts.

After a while, Sawyer finally broke off the kiss but he didn't flee, instead he leaned his forehead against Charlie's and panted slightly, pulling him closer until their bodies were pressed together from head to crotch. Charlie felt himself trembling now. He was already hard as a rock and weak in the knees. Too long, he thought absent-mindedly, it had been way too long since he'd felt this.

He swallowed shakily and peered up into Sawyer's eyes. They were misty and heavy-lidded, which meant he'd been affected by the kiss too, Charlie thought giddily. Not that he could feel exactly how much it had affected the other man. But a hard-on was no big deal, not really. You could wake up on a gloomy Sunday with a hangover and too tired or bored to even move, and still have a hard-on. But that look in your eyes, that was special.

"I don't do trust…" Sawyer murmured, looking almost sheepish as he eyed Charlie carefully for any sign of reaction.

Okay, perhaps a hard-on wasn't such a big deal as that look in Sawyer's eyes, Charlie thought, but -

"Do you do sex?"

Sawyer chuckled nervously, averting his eyes. Charlie noticed a faint blush creep into his face. He nodded, still chuckling, reaching a hand up to wipe the hair from his face, one of his usual fidgety moves.

"Good", Charlie replied and pushed his hips against Sawyer's, causing their cocks to rub together through the denim and Sawyer to moan softly and closing his eyes. "Then we can take this one step at a time…" Charlie added, before pulling him down for another kiss.

After a few moments, Sawyer took control of the kiss, steering Charlie backwards toward a nearby tree, which he pushed him up against, before they stumbled hurriedly to the ground, shedding their t-shirts, groping each other, touching every bit of skin they could lay their hands on, never breaking the kiss. Sawyer hovered above Charlie, kneeling between his legs, supporting himself with his elbows against the ground on either side of Charlie's head. Charlie pulled him closer, despite the groan and restraint from the larger man, until he lost his balance and fell with all of his weight in top of him.

Sawyer immediately broke the kiss, peering down at him with a worried frown, "Ain't I crushin' ya?"

"Yer kiddin' yerself, Elvis…" Charlie replied teasingly, "Now, stay focused!" he snapped, pulling him down again.

He spread his legs wide, lifting them and lacing them around Sawyer's waist, hugging their crotches even closer, delighted at the moans he managed to elicit from the other man, just by simply arching up a little, or nibbling his lower lip.

After a while of snogging and grinding together, Charlie managed to push Sawyer to the side and roll them around, so that their roles were reversed. Sawyer seemed surprised by this, but didn't struggle for dominance, just let Charlie run the show.

Charlie straddled his hips whilst kissing his way down his chest and stomach. When he reached down to undo the fly of Sawyer's jeans he felt the man immediately tense beneath him and quickly looked up, his hands pausing. A reassuring look and a crooked smile was all it took to make Sawyer relax again, although he did gave a shaky sigh as he closed his eyes. Charlie leaned down and placed another soft kiss on his stomach, just below his belly button, before sliding his jeans down, freeing his erection completely.

He paused for a heartbeat, then ducked his head and swallowed him whole at once. Sawyer gasped above him and then moaned in a broken fashion. Charlie caressed his trembling thighs and hips as he worked his mouth up and down the length of his cock, awkwardly pushing it into his throat, swallowing, sucking, playing with the pressure of his lips. Soon Sawyer was all but screaming out his moans. He'd put a fist against his mouth, teeth pressed against the skin, biting down on his index finger to keep quiet. When Charlie reached one of his hands down to the cleft between his legs, and then gently massaging his balls, the hand fell away from his mouth as he arched his back from the ground and came screaming over the edge of ecstasy.

Charlie kept sucking him lovingly until he'd ridden out the last after wave of the orgasm and his body had relaxed under his soothing touches again. Then he crawled back up his body and carefully lay next to him, hugging him close, trailing butterfly kisses along the side of his neck.

"Trust me yet?" he whispered thickly after a moment had passed. Sawyer allowed a ragged breath to slip out into the air before he replied in a broken murmur.

"I always did…"

The end.