Interviewan,

High school Crushan

Glutten upan.

School year was coming to a close. Hair and costume tossed aside Serenity was still feeling totally empty. Oh she had felt wonderful when her friends had basically rejected her change, telling her to go back the way it was. the hair dye and hanging out was wonderful, But it only reminded her of the month before, the stuff about tradition and whether or not baptizing was necessary at all. She had felt hope when they simplified it for her, but either way, it made little sense. If she didn't have to do what the bible and therefore Jesus told her, she would just be making up her own sense of morality. Sure she'd felt a tinge of anger at a few of those directions, but who was she to say anything about Jesus's advice? Especially with the way she acted before it? If she didn't have to do that, then what? Was it really just singing the song a different way or just taking what notes you liked as you went along, It was all too confusion and ambiguous. She shook her head furiously, She'd already learned that questions like that weren't going to help her. "Faith right?" She put it out of her mind and looked down at the ruffled sheets of paper in her hands. A desperate attempt? A divine plan? A mistake waiting to happen? All she

knew is despite her friends and despite her conversion she still felt totally empty inside. She needed to find something to fill that ache in the pit of her stomach. She found herself looking over a set of her 'new' cloths again. The reserved look of conservative dress, making her hair color more mundane, stopping just short of a bonnet. It didn't make any sense, why would her crazy prayer group not like her trying to be as close to God and Jesus as possible? Her options where absolutely shot, she convinced herself. She needed time away to think for herself. Was what she was doing right? It would only be for a Year, she wasn't abandoning her friends or parents, just trying to find her purpose, her way of singing the song.

She sat the student exchange forms down on the table in her room, looked at her writing, It had taken her two hours meticulously drafting her short essay and filling the forms with good handwriting. Okay so she wasn't exactly the best material one could pick for an exchange, she thought to herself. But she could try and make a better impression than her act when she showed up. She slipped off her cloths, and donned that outfit, taking her new hat and planting it on her head low after brushing it into a neater more ruly pattern. She wasn't sure about her outfit change anymore thanks to her friends, But she did know she did not want to go to that office dressed in one of her usual 'bad girl' outfits. She felt immidiate guilt slipping out the window, but the last thing she needed was one of her parents or friends talking her out of this. She did her best to relax and slip into the background as she walked off to school. Even if it was after hours, Many of the offices stayed open as teachers wrapped up the day. Still, she hoped she had not spent too much time introspecting, she hurried up a bit.

She was practically flabbergasted when she walked in the door, Maybe this was a bad idea. Ms. Marissa sat at the office for her interview. Public affairs and a lot of other jobs relating to the curriculum she was with Ms. Baxter in petitioning against Mr. Grady. Maybe she should have stuck with her original clothes she thought nervously. "Serenity, Welcome, Sit down." She invited. Her demeanor cheerful. Serenity was a little taken aback, She didn't seem to pay much mind to her outfit at all, maybe she already knew? 'Love your enemies' she reminded herself as she slipped inside and sat on the chair, slipping her unsealed envelope onto the desk. "So I trust you have everything filled out?" She asked again with that polite demeanor. Serenity nodded a bit nervously "Do you have any questions before I take a look, about the trip?" Serenity looked down a bit nervously She wasn't exactly a stellar writer, she tried really hard to make that application look good. "Can someone like me, with my past even have a chance at something like this?" she asked softly. Poor grades, poor attendance, poor attitude, poor faith, all manners of incompetence sprung farther in her own mind to label herself with. Ms. Marissa softened even more if it was possible. "I won't lie that it's a hard sell to the other side, especially if you wind up somewhere strict, But if you really think you wont repeat those mistakes and can show us that, We'd be more than happy to let your background slip off the record Serenity." She paused as Serenity couldn't help but let a nervous smile into her softened tomboyish features. "T-hankyou, That's more than I can ask for."

She let her unknown 'enemy' read her forms, she really hoped she came across as regretful and aiming to make amends, not a repeat trouble maker. It was hard to tell how that was going, The Lady's eyes skimming her papers methodically, showing little emotion as she read them silently. She was with Ms. Baxter, but she wouldn't really turn her down because of her faith right? It was too late to change her game plan, She sat reserved as Marissa set down her forms and re-established eye contact. "I'm very glad it seems like you want to make a new start Serenity, You obviously put a lot of effort into this. Most papers are just a paragraph." She smiled at the tomboy "Still, There are some concerns I have, So I'll need to ask you some more questions" Serenity gulped "Alright." 'Is this it? am I finished?' She thought to herself as Marissa explained 'here it comes.' Her prediction of the topic was right on target, but the question was totally

different than she expected.

"Now, I know from Ms Baxter a few months ago that you, her, and Mr. Grady where talking about his history plan right?" Serenity panicked a bit, should she interject with how it was relevant, she settled on a perplexed look "Y-yeah?" "Well, I think I can easily see how that discussion went, especially knowing Ms. Baxter, But I do think you need to know something, Despite what you might have heard from Mr. Grady about his lesson, Most schools actually don't agree with it. I know you probably look up to him, but I'm just trying to tell you the facts, The school you might go to probably won't have Christian influences like that, You might be aware of it, or perhaps you don't know, But many Religious people refuse to participate in classes that contradict what they believe their holy book tells them. I'm not going to try to change your mind about them, that's entirely up to you, but you have to know that the curriculum there isn't going to be tailor made for you, And this program does have some standards on school work. Are you going to be okay with going to classes that teach things differently?" Serenity swallowed, The topic had her heart sinking as she tried to not get angry but the actual question left her just feeling shocked. Not only was she not trying to sway her opinions, she actually sounded a bit concerned about her own feelings. "umm" Serenity tried to catch up, The idea that Mr. Grady might not have told her the truth threw her for a loop, She felt tempted to argue the point but she rained it in, this was an interview. This atheist was only trying to tell her that at least some of the outside world she could go to on this trip might contradict her beliefs. The only question was, was she okay with that? Was god okay with that? "I uh..." Serenity stammered. "If you need a moment to think about it or pray I don't mind." Marissa offered "Isn't this school grounds?" Serenity asked sort of taken a back. Marissa giggled, "Serenity what matters to me is your education, It shouldn't matter when or where you pray as long as you aren't forcing anyone else to. I know there are a lot of characters out there who say silly things like you shouldn't but most people do understand the difference between praying and trying to use school resources to convince other people they should."

Serenity looked down a little ashamed at herself, This person didn't seem like an enemy at all, She guiltily excused herself for a little one on One, Marissa smiling friendly at the nervous tomboy as she stepped out, It was quiet and open outside, Paved walkways and fields, a few trees. Come to think of it, She had always gone to the woods to pray Even when she decided to change her life. Did she want to start praying normally, would it help? Why didn't that atheist woman act like ms Baxter? Was this really the kind of person that was supposed to be an enemy of God? "Too many questions!" she moaned aloud to herself as her features tightened a bit in frustration, "Why isn't this ever easy?" she demanded, instantly regretting it, "look, Sorry, I just have some questions okay, I'm just trying to understand if this is what you really want. Last time you got me that ski trip, Is this another chance to learn more? Why? I mean didn't I try to devote my life to you? Why did everyone reject me, Isn't that the best thing to do, devote my life to your cause?"

she paused. the wind and lights beguiling the young girl, but no voice jumped out to reach her. She churned her mind

on the issue till she realized, with her head so filled of uncertainties she was never going to get any sort of clarity this way, It was like that science quote, the more you learn, the more you know about how you really don't know? is that how it went. "Well. I want to take it, I don't know if its a good idea, I don't know if I'm setting myself up for more failure, but I don't know what else to do, I 'have' to do something. I guess. I guess I'll just

pray that I'm not screwing everything up." She slipped her hands together looking up at the sky "Please?" she implored, pausing then slowly turning away and walking back inside, resolving to go through with it.

"Ms. Marissa?" Serenity called out timidly, "I, I've decided I'll go through with it." she answered, slipping the door closed behind her. The cheerful administrator smiled back friendly at the girl. "I'm glad, You seem like a bright girl Serenity. People had a poor start in school don't often allow themselves the opportunity to turn it around but, My other question might be a little more important than that, You seemed to have made a lot of friends at the prayer group, but odds are along with your parents you might not see them for a whole year. Especially if you had significant other, It might put stress on your relationships. You'll still get money to call them of course, but it's not easy to just decide you can't handle it and go back." She paused for Serenity's response. "I understand, Don't worry, I love my friends. I'm sure we'll miss each other a lot, but I can handle just being able to call and email." Serenity smiled, feeling rather pleased with her response compared to the previous question, Still, a little part of her nagged that she was going to feel some relief with some distance between her friends and her. That same guilt tripping voice, The voices of her betrayed friends came readily to mind, she brushed it aside with some success. "Great, Well that's really all of the most important questions. We'll try to give you some advanced notice to where your going, I know you didn't list a preference, but learning will be more difficult in a different language. I'd suggest you get some studying under your belt when we tell you where you're going to go." She smiled shaking Serenity's hand "T-that's it? I'm, you mean I got in?" Marissa smiled and just replied "well, you're sort of the only one who applied in this area, although I guess it was wrong of me to act like I have total control, I still think it will be very unlikely that you get turned down."

Serenity smiled a bit, she seemed to come up ahead in happiness from that meeting, Thanking her and leaving, It was totally different than what she expected going in, Preconceptions of her past behavior and hundreds of questions melted away to a few that seemed tailor picked to make sure she knew what she was getting into before hand. She felt a bounce in her step, this had to be the right way, it was the first time she felt meaning and fulfillment since her conversion and even before that. Opportunity, A chance to make herself better and more successful instead of coasting through her life with or without God. So she hardly noticed the blinking shocked girl behind her. Lori had just been walking with the prayer group to split up and go home, they had passed right past Serenity both oblivious to each others existence. Well all except Lori, the others might not have recognized her, But Lori could barely go a day without thinking SOMEthing about her friend, As she watched the enthusiastic tomboy turn the corner down the opposite block She heard her friends. "Are you okay Lori?" "What's up?" Derek added, a little concerned "Oh, I umm, I... I forgot I had to do something today, I'll just split here, See you tomorrow?" The concerned posse didn't have any reason to doubt her, so a range of goodbyes where made as the athletic girl raced off to catch her 'appointment' "SH," she caught herself as she ran towards her friend's direction, "Why am I doing this to myself" She shook her head, This was serious, Serenity was back on track the last few days, why did she slip back? she wasn't going to let a few uncomfortable thoughts in her head stop her from helping her friend. She slowed down as Serenity came more into view.

"Serenity!" she called out. The worry in her tone and the surprise caused Serenity to immediately turn around without thinking, With a face that clearly said caught red handed she choked out a quick greeting "Oh h-hey Lori, Didn't expect to see you." She giggled a bit as she tried to avoid direct eye contact. she thought about how she was going to break the news to her friends, but She hadn't come up with anything yet, She had to think of something fast. "Serenity, What's wrong, I. I thought we got over all this." Her friend moved to comfort her, resting a hand on her shoulder. "That's not it really," She protested but was interrupted "Serenity, I know you have a lot of questions and I... we don't have a lot of answers. You just need to give it time. You'll understand better as you go along, we all will." Serenity fought off some of the shame she was feeling, why was she feeling like this? she didn't do anything wrong yet, she just wanted to wait to tell them when she thought the time was best. "Look, It's just a misunderstanding. You know me, I get confused and messed up sometimes, but I agree with you, that's why I went to that interview, I just wanted to make a good impression, that's all." She explained a little cryptically. "Interview? for a new job?" Lori asked, curiosity taking some of the concern from her face. Serenity felt more guilt well up as she prepared her bomb shell to give to her best friend "err. no... It was for a, study.. abroad .. program." she finished whispering. Lori stood In silence. "study abroad?" she confirmed. "y-yeah, study abroad. I mean.. the student exchange program thingy." She found herself rubbing her index fingers together nervously. Lori was trapped in an instant of her own mind, Serenity, Going abroad? she's leaving? the very thought wretched her gut as she suppressed a few tears. her outward appearance still very surprised. The sudden stab of emotional pain she felt inside took her conscious min off guard. Isn't this the kind of thing she was praying for? to get those thoughts out of her head? this is what she had been asking god for the last year. So why did the very idea hurt even more than the shame? "t-that's great?." she tried to convince herself aloud. "G-great? you aren't upset. I mean, I'll be going away for a year, I'll still be able to call and chat but... I thought you guys would be mad at me..." Serenity latched, longing to believe it was true despite the specks of pain she could notice leaking out of Lori's shocked face. "Well.. I don't know, '... I...I" don't want you to go! her mind screamed. "It's a big world out there, Maybe seeing It will help you figure stuff out?" 'NO! NO! NO! don't leave,' her heart cried, why was she having these thoughts, she knew they where wrong, she knew they where selfish so why couldn't she stop? She wanted to say it, To be strong and say she would miss her, but she couldn't, she knew if she let that slip the thin membrane of will separating her attachment to the pleading tomboy in front of from the mind that could give her the encouragement she needed as a friend would burst. "I'm so glad you agree with me" Serenity said brightly, embracing her friend in a hug, then easing back out.

"Hey you want to go 'gluten up'?" Serenity offered. "Ah.. I um.. I have some things I need to do actually right now. I better get going, bye!" She forced herself to run away, back to her home, away from the confused tomboy behind her, just as quickly as she had came, the athlete was making her way back to her house. With Serenity no longer in her sight tears welled up and cascaded down her cheeks, dropping jerkily from her face as she near sprinted to her house and room. B-lining through the house inside her door the young Christian aimed to compose herself. Instead she found no matter how hard she rationalized that this was a good thing, It still didn't take away the pain. Tears fell and fell, even as crying died down she found herself straining back to that 'demon' in her mind like a moth to a flame and soon her heart was burning in pain again and her tears refreshed. It was only after an hour of this did she finally find the embrace of unconsciousness in the tangled blanket and pillows on her bed, Her emotionally charged ordeal finally given cool respite.

When she woke up she found her clock blinking 5 PM at her, her head felt dizzy her cloths tight and uncomfortable, her hair was a mess she knew, and her face and eyes red from effort of crying, as well as from lying face down to smother her sobs and tears. "I'm an idiot," she mumbled to herself. "Why couldn't I stop crying?" she whimpered. Thinking about it didn't feel much better than it did last night. It still hurt, but for some reason, her concern for her friend and the pain of the news had the shocked girl snap. Last night, she knew, she was absolutely incorrigible. Nothing would stop the tears. Both her desire to be cured and her rational mind protested at the way she behaved. She watched the sun set from her dark room and window, the colors giving her some calm. "When did it ever get this bad?" she questioned herself, downcast. "It's an exchange program. She's going away for a year but she's coming back, and," she dared to hope "I'll still be able to t-talk to her over the phone." She felt some guilt at this. God was giving them both a chance to improve and all she could think about was getting closer to Serenity. 'and online.' her thoughts added, as if unbidden. She felt totally hollow, even the 'help' she gave Serenity seemed tainted in this light, Here Serenity had made great strides to improve herself and come closer to God, All she had done was stay the same. She hadn't felt this horrible since she choked out that she didn't 'like' Serenity. Not like Serenity, "puff" Even with all her problems the idea sounded as hollow and false back then as it did now 'who was she kidding?'. She had half expected her new best friend and 'pet project' to laugh at her, to call her bluff, as if she knew she fluttered around helplessly caught in her light. No more able to not like Serenity than move 25 feet away from her or go a day without thinking of her. Instead, she had stomped off angrily leaving her in shock and the weight of the guilt from lying and betraying her had pressed down on her just as hard then as now. The only thing that kept her going then was that she knew she had to be saved. She couldn't let that wonderful new friend fall even if she ended up hating her, even if, as she sometimes worried, she neglected her own salvation.

Now as Lori retraced her past she found that she had succeeded, for better or for worse she knew, the weeks before with her friend in the ridiculous conservative get up she had met her in today. Her friend was now totally devoted to God, No more Derek chasing, no more drinking drugs or parties, no more doing questionable things or premarital sexuality, no more cursing, no more vices, no more games, no more computer, no more music or sexy cloths, no more youthful independence and trouble making, no more endless questions or bright smiles, no more life in the eyes of her friend, No more Serenity. She knew and absolutely believed she had done the right thing, but even if paradise now awaited her, how did that make her any less responsible for her misery now? "And here I am crying over it, she finally got a chance to go do something fun again with her new life and all I can think about is how miserable I'll be with her gone." She choked it out, then remembering how she had watched her friends eyes light up with her 'acceptance' cracking a smile at it. Thinking before that she hadn't improved at all, she latched onto it. even if those selfish thoughts overran her, brought her to tears, she hadn't let them screw it up for her friend. It was a baby step, but it was better than nothing. She prayed god her concerns, wishing beyond hope that she would accept this trial and become a better person for it. She slipped out of her room, a shower would do her

enormous good right now.

Serenity was somewhat a pretty manipulate-able girl. She had a strong will, but like most people her guard was set against people she already didn't mesh well with. Slip into a friendship or position of trust and it became all to easy for her to accept your word, even if she was looking right at the cracks in the mask. The girl was a bit worried for her friends sudden retreat, but otherwise bought it hook line and sinker. She was munching on a taco at the conspicuously named restaurant she couldn't believe her friends ate at as an atheist. Her mind was slightly occupied with wondering where she was going to end up sent to, now that her friends reactions seemed less like a problem. Oh sure you could specify a place you wanted, and it might improve your chances of getting it. Truth be told though Serenity didn't have much experience with knowing the outside world. Her knowledge was regional, and besides, there was something now a bit more fulfilling about letting God decide where she would end up going. She felt giddy with excitement but her mother lingering in the back of her mind made her still feel slightly nervous, would leaving her alone for all that time really be a good idea? She shook her head, Even if it made her sad she learned a long time ago she couldn't live for her mother.

Finishing her meal left her without much else to do besides wrapping up some homework, She knew she had to take her bible study more seriously, but the haunting discussion about baptizing gave her the forlorn feeling it would only lead to more confusion, Maybe it would just be better to go to church, they had the theology majors right? She thumbed through her bag pulling out a small copy, something she had picked up on her trip to rid her of every one of her personal possessions. It was getting tough these days just to keep up with it. She knew she had to keep at it, even though her friends and even herself wanted her to become a little more independent of God again, Just flipping through and reading it made her feel the exact opposite, like she was feeling guilty for rebelling against her friends but this time it was rebellion through god rather than sinly behavior. The thing that left the bad taste in her mouth was as far as she could tell coming into this Christian business, this is what they wanted, what they said she should do in the first place. The guilt for doing what she was originally told was there as ever and the confusing feelings where driving her nuts.

"Oh well, I should probably get back and break the news." A small catch in her heart as she approached another tough conversation. The trip home was easy enough, Sun setting, 4:50, cool air, It was a bit refreshing, and helped to calm some of her anxieties. She hoped the clothing didn't have the same affect on her mother as Lori. Opening the door, Serenity stepped through to confront her deception to her mother. "Late coming home, where were you? That prayer group?" She heard her mom ask, bothering to look over her shoulder from the TV this time, "You're wearing that so I guess that's a yes?" She pressed further, but her tone of voice was more casual, not accusational. "Well mom, uhh, actually no... I went somewhere else today... I think I should have probably told you about it sooner.." Her Mothers interest was peaked to be certain. "Well, Can't say I'm still not worried, but if your bothering to tell me something about where you're going after keeping it a secret, Maybe this spirituality stuff is working out for you." Serenity just gulped and forced herself to spit it out. "Well, It's sort of um, You know, a s-student exchange program interview." "Student exchange? Serenity I don't think we have the money just to send you to another country." Her mother bore down, why did she always have to make assumptions like that, "A-actually, umm, it's free, You wouldn't even have to do anything, I just, umm, well, I'd be going for a year, I didn't even try to tell you, I was afraid you'd say no." Her mother took a sip of her drink and sighed, trying to think out the issue more clearly here. She had just gotten a bit closer to her daughter, but honestly it wasn't that much of a step up from confusion and concern for her recent actions. honestly though, Even if she would miss the chance to get to know Serenity better, she had her chance, should she screw up an opportunity for her scholastic failure of a daughter to get something on her resume other than "Devout Christian." With studying abroad and learning another language, and she would be back in a year, It wouldn't hurt their relationship to have something about her daughter to be proud of. "Well, I don't know, With a background like yours they might show you the door, but you're nearly 17 years old, and you probably won't get an opportunity like this again huh?" She took another drink and concluded "Sure why not, when does it start?" "I don't really know, they said that it depends on where I go for the school year.." "You don't know where you're going?" "No, They more or less pick what's available." "I guess beggars can't be choosers."

'Well everything went better than ' Serenity thought. propping herself up in her empty room she had nothing to distract her from her homework other than her nagging thoughts, all kind's of thoughts. Before she used to take her conscious to wherever her thoughts took her but now she had too many that where labeled bad and too many that where just uncomfortable for their reoccurrence to be anything but a pest. She soon found herself in the lack of any serious activity available in her room, cleaning the house, tending the yard. Her mother was surprised, but a quick explanation of her empty room and being done reading for the moment it became pretty clear that the work was motivated out of boredom. by the time 9pm hit the clock she had cleaned the kitchen and sorted out the junk on the floor as well as taken painstaking hygiene steps instead of a casual routine. It was a long drawn out day with nothing else to look forward to but the future, Flipping through a page in the bible. The Grazing approach appeared to be working for her somewhat, some questions where slowly popping up but she was learning to ignore them and just treat the work uncritically. She had never realized how long or elaborate the bible actually was. It wasn't quite like a Novel or anything with pages upon pages of extra detail, Instead events where condensed down to the basics, which meant that things happened fast and it was a lot to just take in, the important parts of creating the universe took all of a few pages. She slipped it closed and sat it next to her pillow, It was going to take time immeasurable to finish it. She sighed and settled down to go to sleep, She still had along road ahead before she could even begin.