delirium

(sawyer/jack)

started writing this a while back, but then I sorta lost myself... don't know whether I should continue it... ( pg )

:::

Jack was ashamed to admit to himself that, even as he walked away from the burial of Shannon, his thoughts had already strayed back to his new patient, who were waiting for him in the hatch, and although he was overcome with guilt for disrespecting Shannon and the memory of her, he instinctively quickened his pace as soon as the conscious thought of his feverish charge reached him.

When he got to the hatch and entered the bedroom to find Sawyer unconscious on the floor and Kate nowhere to be seen, he was torn between an all too familiar anger, a somewhat more confusing feeling of disorientation and even loss, and also a third feeling which he tried not to confirm as readily, a protectiveness which stretched to a level far beyond that of his normal hero complex. But as it were, he pushed all of these feelings and thoughts to the back of his mind, and rushed over to take care of his patient.

He managed to lift Sawyer and replace him on the bunk. He was surprised to discover how heavy the other man was, despite the loss of weight. He arranged the blanket to cover the lower part of Sawyer's body, and gently wiped the hair away from his face as he briefly felt for his temperature by pressing his palm to his forehead. He was hot to the touch still, but Jack allowed himself a sliver of hope as he was certain the man felt cooler at least than before.

Of course, once he'd confirmed that Sawyer was in no more danger now than earlier when he'd left him with Kate, Jack's thoughts inevitably strayed to the woman's whereabouts, and that in turn developed to a series of unpleasant flashbacks of Sawyer's reactions to her care. Her quickly tried to push the various images away from his mind, but they turned out to be very persistent, or perhaps he wasn't really trying that hard. Perhaps he liked to remind himself of how stupid he'd been to allow himself to slip out of his mask of professionalism, even if it was for merely a second.

Just one second, and then those feverish words that slipped awkwardly from Sawyer's mouth, that beautifully shaped mouth which Jack had tried not to stare at, and only half succeeding, and then those words, those utterly wrong and heartbreakingly gut-punching words.

The initial anger Jack had felt intensified all of the sudden, although he wasn't sure what exactly angered him about the situation, and on whose behalf he was working himself up. To be honest, he didn't really want to know. Instead, he set to work, thinking that keeping himself busy would clear his head from all of these confusing thoughts.

He was thankful for the dry and cool air inside the hatch as he set about his business, now more than ever before, because aside from being a refuge from the blindingly hot sun, which did have a tendency to tip him over the edge of sanity sometimes more and more frequently, it also served to help him fool his own body into momentarily believing that he was back in the familiar and antiseptic environment of the hospital, an illusion that had showed itself to be very useful, because it allowed him to switch into his doctor's auto-pilot.

That's what he did now as he swiftly moved the damp washing cloth across Sawyer's feverish skin. He allowed his eyes to follow the movement of his hand as it gently pressed the cloth against the other man's chest, trailing circles further and further down his torso, but as he did this, his head was sufficiently emptied and his emotions shut down, which in itself was a relief.

But then Sawyer stirred beneath his touch, and he stilled and came back to his senses.

Jack glanced up at Sawyer's face and searched it for any sign of feelings, pain or pleasure, or just the confusion from waking up. There was neither, or perhaps a strange mix of them all, Jack wasn't sure. But there was a distinct smile ghosting across Sawyer's face, not a smirk, but a dreamy smile. Then his eyelids fluttered briefly, before opening, and he squinted slightly even though the light was dim in the small bedroom. Jack waited patiently for a reaction, but let his hand stay halfway to the man's navel, indecisively hovering between his auto-pilot mode and his curiosity as he returned Sawyer's sleepy gaze.

"Mmm," Sawyer said, or sounded, the smile fluttering by across his mouth again, a brief display of dimples which Jack told himself he hadn't glanced at.

"Hey," Sawyer said, or sounded, the single small word stretch infinitely to what resembled the purr of a contented cat. Jack allowed his lips to twitch at the thought.

"Hey yourself," he replied softly, but careful not to prolong any of the syllables.

A twitch of a frown came into Sawyer's face, but the smile remained. A definite look of confusion, Jack thought, and figured the other man was coming to his senses.

"What's this?" Sawyer mumbled, almost to himself although his eyes never left Jack's, "Oh, wait... This isn't one of the dreams..." he murmured.

"Eh, no. You're not dreaming, Sawyer," Jack said softly, trying to shift back into his professional mode, "You're in the hatch, and have been for a few days now. Eko brought you here and you've been unconscious since then, and well before too I think. Your bullet-wound was badly infected, but it's healing now. You've been running a high fever, but that's also going down,"

"Woah," Sawyer interrupted him, this time the word came out as a groan, but the smile was still present, although just barely.

"What? Where does it hurt?" asked the doctor quickly, his eyes flashing all over Sawyer in a mere second.

"My head," Sawyer muttered, "Too much information..."

"Oh," said Jack, his professional mask wavering, and a look of disappointment flickered by his exterior. Sawyer's smile widened slightly. His eyes seemed to glitter in the dim light.

"Oh, indeed," he murmured, "Hey, doc?"

"Yeah?"

"What day is it?"

"What?"

"I said, what day is it?"

"Eh, I think it's... I don't know what day it is. Tuesday?"

"Okay. I missed you," whispered Sawyer whilst his eyes drifted shut again, and before Jack had a chance of asking him what he was playing at, he'd fallen back asleep.

Jack stayed frozen in his hunched-over position for a moment, staring at Sawyer's sleeping face in shock, before he caught himself doing so and quickly shook himself out of it and promptly looked away.

He felt lost again, and when Sun entered the room, he was genuinely glad to see her, and gratefully accepted her offer of help. She smiled softly and nodded once when he grinned shakily at her, and like so many times in the past, Jack got the distinct feeling that she possessed a great wisdom. The gently light in her eyes was that of knowledge, as in the looks you give someone whose secret you've figured out. If that were true, it didn't bother Jack that she knew exactly, it only bothered him to think that she knew more than he did himself.

He shook himself loose of that line of thoughts and left the hatch with a final word of thanks. He felt an unfamiliar need to be alone, but at the same time he knew he had to seek out Kate, if anything it was his duty as… well, whatever he was to her, and everyone else. Also, he needed to know what had happened between her and Sawyer.

:::

The dream seemed to drift off into the distance and he could actually feel his head clear, as from a fog, and through it he could hear a voice as it faded, and the thinner the mist became, the stronger the voice grew, even though it was obviously whispering. It was a woman's voice, he knew it, knew it well. It was Kate and she was talking to him. Or was she? She kept hissing about him in the third person, and yet she addressed him directly as well, she addressed him as Wayne.

"That was the sweetest thing I've ever heard you say," he mumbled, mostly just to shut her up, but the dimples were already threatening to gather in his cheeks.

"Sawyer?" she whispered, and she didn't sound too disappointed, he reflected.

"Who the hell is Wayne?" he asked, then opened his eyes and smirked at her.

She smiled back at him, and quickly wiped some tears from the corner of her eyes. At first Sawyer wondered if she'd been upset for him, and whether he felt touched or annoyed by it, but then he figured that was as likely as any of the dreams he'd been having and shrugged it away. She grinned widely and the joy at seeing him awake seemed surprisingly genuine to him.

"Where's Jack?"

The grin faltered immediately and she looked away. Sawyer's curiosity was instantly triggered and he watched her patiently and registered every nuance of expression in her face, reading her like a book, not that she was open as one, or if she was, she was written in a foreign language, but Sawyer had begun to learn it more and more. In fact it was the passages that he couldn't yet translate that intrigued him about her, those were what made Kate interesting. But even though there weren't many left to translate, at least not that Sawyer could see, he'd probably always find the girl intriguing, or likeable. After all, she was the only woman he'd ever met who challenged him, and provoked him. Perhaps he recognised himself in her. The part of himself that he didn't despise. Perhaps they shared the same need to run, to move, to feel free, even though he dearly hoped they had different reasons for it.

"He's outside, I think. He was at the funeral earlier, but now I think he's… doing something Jack-like, you know. Like saving a bunch of people or building a house or something…" she smiled, but even in his weakened state, Sawyer could see the sadness in it. He felt a headache coming on, but forced himself to stay awake.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Nothing," she quickly replied, and looked away again. He scowled.

"Who's died?" he demanded.

"Oh," she said, taken aback, her eyes big and unglazed again, "I forgot you didn't know. Shannon's dead. She was shot… just before you were brought here, and they buried her down by the beach, next to Boone…"

"Don't tell me," Sawyer muttered darkly, although he felt too weak to tell whether or not he was really upset, "Ana-Lucia shot her,"

Kate frowned, "I don't know her name, but…"

"Grumpy chick, long dark hair, carries my gun…" Sawyer offered, but he was staring to drift off again and his voice descended to a murmur, "She's one dangerous mama…" he muttered.

Kate couldn't help chuckling at that, and the sound shook Sawyer back out of his doze. He blinked a couple of times then started to look around for the first time.

"Is this a bunk bed?"

:::

He focused all his thoughts, emotions and concentration on the feel of the axe in his hands and the frequent movement, up and down, and the strain of his muscles as it came down and collided with the dry wood. He focused all of his attention on the wood as it split beneath his strength, and he felt a grim sort of satisfaction from seeing it tear open and fall apart.

He heard footsteps behind him and glanced over his shoulder. Hurley grinned back and made a vague greeting gesture as he stopped a few meters away from him, fidgeting on the spot. Jack repressed a smile and paused, putting the axe down and turning around to politely face the other man.

"Hurley," he greeted unnecessarily, "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing special. Just saw you working over here, so I thought I'd come over and say hey," Hurley replied in what was supposed to sound casual, but really gave the opposite impression. Jack raised his eyebrows, but said nothing, and waited patiently for him to say whatever was on his mind.

Hurley seemed embarrassed for a moment at being so obvious, and he peered up a Jack with a brief shyness, before he abruptly changed back to his normal self and bluntly asked him about Sawyer.

At the sudden mention of his patient's name, which he hadn't been prepared for, Jack was taken aback, and although he replied with a casual tone of voice which was much more convincing than Hurley's had been, it was obvious he was bothered by the subject of conversation. In fact, he resumed his task again for a moment, somehow hoping against hope that Hurley would leave things alone. But he didn't.

Finally, Jack concluded that his plan of escaping the issue had backfired rather badly, and pushed the axe into Hurley's hands, asking him to finish up for him, and then he more or less ran for his life. But as the thoughts were now very well present in his consciousness, there wasn't much Jack could do about it anymore, so instead of finding himself a new refuge, he headed back to the hatch.

He found Kate and Sawyer just outside the door, together, and he felt his chest contract painfully at the sight and the image of a feverish Sawyer tossing and turning weakly on the bunk bed flashed back into his mind, and the confusing mix of feelings that overpowered him at the time, happiness for seeing the other man awake, and some sort of disappointment at hearing his feverish words. "I love her".

Jack forced the memory out of his mind again, and he avoided Kate's eyes as he approached them. Instead he strode up to Sawyer and went into auto-pilot immediately as he crouched down by his side, poking and prodding him, as if suspicious of whether he was really real or just a figment of his imagination.

Sawyer gave him a funny look. The dimples were back as well, but Jack made a point of not noticing them, and he pressed his palm against the other man's forehead much harder than necessary, he realized a moment too late. He stood up again, just as abruptly and strode inside of the hatch, without having said a word the entire time.

:::

"The hell was that all about?" Sawyer mumbled, chuckling uncertainly, still staring through the doorway where the doctor had disappeared. Then he glanced back at Kate, and noticed that she had her suffering look back in her face.

"I have no idea," she said, and lied. Sawyer didn't bother to contradict her however, instead he awkwardly got to his feet and turned to follow Jack inside.

"Wait," said Kate and rushed to his aid, but he gently beckoned her away.

"I'm fine, I ain't crippled yet,"

"You might become if you go and break your legs…" she retorted.

"Well, I'm trying to live carpe diem, so I'll cross that road when I get to it… Anyway, why don't you go and get some fruit or something? You're not meant to wait 'til you're dying before you eat anything, ya know…"

Kate favoured him with a lopsided smile and nodded once before she turned and walked away. Sawyer waited another moment, then he struggled inside the hatch.

He found Jack inside the little bedroom, sitting on the bunk bed, staring at his own fidgety hands. Sawyer paused in the doorway and Jack looked up.

"I see you're up and about," he murmured, "How're you feeling?"

"So, so…" Sawyer drawled, he entered the room and sat down heavily next to Jack on the bed, "I feel like I've got a bunch of elephants inside my head… doing the Macarena…" he added.

"You've been reading?" Jack asked with feigned innocence. At Sawyer's accusatory and warning glare, he cracked up and smiled, looking down again, "I've got some painkillers, if you want," he offered in a much softer voice.

"Ya know, Doc, that would be Heaven…" Sawyer admitted, but smirked so as not to seem needy. Jack smiled back briefly, then abruptly jumped to his feet and disappeared out of the room.

He returned not a minute later with a white medicine jar in his fist, and he unscrewed the top and got out two of the little pills inside and gave them to Sawyer, "Hang on, I'll give you some water…" he said and reached for a glass which stood on the little nightstand.

Sawyer tilted his head back and swallowed the pills without waiting, but accepted the water when Jack held the glass out in front of him with a stern frown on his face. Sawyer flashed his dimples and drank the whole glass whilst pointedly gazing at Jack.

The doctor fidgeted a little on the spot, and averted his eyes after Sawyer had returned the glass.

"You should get some rest," he said.

"Not tired anymore," Sawyer replied, not in his defiant tone of voice, but simply, and casually. It was impossible to say whether it was faked. He shrugged.

"Alright," Jack said, obviously just in lack of anything better to say, and he studied his fidgety hands again, avoiding eye contact.

"Where'd you go, before?" Sawyer asked softly, "I mean, if I didn't know you better, Jack, I'd say it was very rude of you…" he added with his smirk in place.

Jack raised an eyebrow and fixed him with a look, but what sort of look exactly, was difficult to tell. Nevertheless, it was a look, and on Jack it was rather comic to see.

"You fell asleep," Jack reminded him after a moment's silence.

"That I did," Sawyer agreed with a nod, "And here I thought doctors were supposed to watch over their patients, even when they're unconscious…"

"Kate was here," Jack said shortly, and looked away. His jaw seemed to tense, as did his shoulders, Sawyer noted.

"Something happened between you two?" he asked.

"No," said Jack predictably.

"Well, that's bullshit, and I'll thank you not to insult my intelligence, Doc," Sawyer drawled, "Let me rephrase my question… I know something happened between the two of you, care to tell me what?"

"No," Jack repeated stubbornly. Sawyer sighed.

"So ya finally got it on then, did ya…"

"No!" Jack protested and looked up again, he looked honestly outraged by the question, or statement, as though the notion was absurd and insulting.

Sawyer cocked an eyebrow and tilted his head slightly to the side, "No?" he repeated.

"No." Jack confirmed, "We kissed, that's all. Or rather, she kissed me. But don't worry, it was only in the heat of the moment, which was very confused as well, and I'm pretty sure she regretted it immediately."

"Well," Sawyer drawled, his eyebrow still cocked, his dimples invisible and Jack convinced himself that he didn't miss them at all, "I'm sorry to hear that, Doc…"

"What? Oh, right. Well, don't be…"

"Wha' d' ya mean?"

"Well, you've never put anyone else's feelings before your own, before, so if you start now, I'll be worried about you for real."

Jack regretted it the moment it slipped his tongue, and at the hurt look that flickered by Sawyer's face before he masked it again, the feeling of guilt only intensified. He opened his mouth to say something else, but Sawyer interrupted him by looking away for the first time, the dimples were definitely gone and the scowl firmly in place instead and he glared at something or nothing in the space in front of him.

"Ya know, you're right. I am feeling kinda tired, so I think I'd like to sleep now." he murmured dryly.

"No, wait," Jack said before he had a chance to stop himself, and then he blushed for saying it.

"What?" Sawyer hissed, "You got anything else you'd like to get off your chest? Go ahead, it's not like I'm not used to taking shit…"

"Sawyer…"

"Aww, come on, Doc…" he taunted, "You can do better than that…"

"I didn't mean…"

"Hell you didn't. Now fuck off and leave me alone, go find Freckles and see if you can take it to fourth base or go save someone's life, just leave so I can get some fucking sleep…"

"No." Jack said for about the eleventh time. Sawyer's eyebrow twitched again before he had a chance to stop it.

"No" he repeated flatly, "What'a hell d'ya mean, no?"

"I mean I'm not leaving. At least not until you we've talked this through..."

Sawyer rolled his eyes and leaned back on his elbows, "What're ya, a shrink now? Come on..."

"I'm serious Sawyer, there's nothing going on between me and Kate, so I'm not standing in your way. In fact, you have my blessing. There."

Sawyer was staring at him, Jack realized, and the stare was a confusing mix of outrage and shock. He hoped the shock didn't give in too soon, and thought about leaving the room before it did. Then he shook those thoughts away and silently told himself to quit being ridiculous. Instead he stared back at Sawyer, who was now shaking his head mildly.

"What?"

"The hell?" Sawyer asked in return.

"What." Jack repeated.

"What the hell are you on about, Doc? There ain't none goin' on between Kate and me!"

"N- I know that, I- I meant, you can go ahead and, you know… 'cause there's nothing going on between me and her either, so if you wanted to pursue her, it's okay-"

"And who says I wanna?" Sawyer demanded.

"Well, I just assumed, I- I know about your feelings for her…" he mumbled and looked down.

"My feelings for her?" Sawyer repeated, none too amused, but not so outraged either.

"Yeah, you… y'know, talked in your sleep, earlier… You asked for Kate and then you said you loved her, when you woke up from your fever and-"

"were generally delirious?" Sawyer offered with feigned helpfulness. Jack snorted and shook his head slightly, "Well, that's what it must've been, Doc, 'cause I ain't havin' no feelings for Kate, least not in that way, I tell ya…"

"Whatever." Jack muttered and looked away, "I should go and help with the-"

"Don't even," Sawyer interrupted, "Ya' got button-duty. Freckles told me. So you ain't goin' nowhere, no how, so ya might as well talk to me…"

"Button-duty?"

"Yeah. Pushing a button every two hours else the world comes to an end or some crap like that, sounds like a bunch of bull if ya ask me, but either way, you're here to stay, Doc…" he finished with a sarcastic grin so wide that Jack returned it before he realized what he was doing.

tbc?