"God, I've missed you," Roy says quietly, and Thea smiles when she feels his lips brush her temple. They're on his bed, now, lying against the pillows, and a couple minutes ago she had attempted to lift the hem of his t-shirt but for some reason he stopped her, murmured something about wanting to take it slow and she knew it wasn't because he didn't want her (his resultant groan when she bit lightly on his bottom lip told her that much) but rather because he knew she wasn't in a good place and he would never do anything that could make that worse.
"I've missed you too. Just… promise you'll stay with me?" Thea asks, her hand going up to cradle his cheek. Roy lifts his own hand to hers, so their fingers were locked together, and then he kisses her knuckles.
"I always will."
Thea opens her mouth, tries to form the words "thank you", but they don't quite come out. She tries again, wanting to say "I love you", but again – she can't quite find the words and suddenly there's a lump in her throat again, for absolutely no reason this time, and she looks away from him because her eyes are now filled with tears.
But unexpectedly Roy's arms go around her and she instinctively buries her face into his chest. It takes a few moments, in which Thea settles more comfortably against him, and she can't bear to meet his eyes again (not yet), but eventually she manages to find her voice once more.
"I'm sorry, I just –"
"You don't ever have to apologise to me," Roy says firmly.
"You were right," she says faintly. "There's something broken inside me and I don't know what I can do to fix it."
He shifts a little on the bed so they're lying down properly now, and it's easy, so easy, for Thea to let Roy just hug her because all she has to do is hold on for dear life and it's like some of the pain in her heart goes away.
"You can start by letting people help you." For some reason he then – ever so gently – extricates himself from her grasp and gets up, going to his drawers, and Thea tries not to feel crestfallen at his abruptness. Thankfully the feeling doesn't last long because Roy is back by her side seconds later and in his palm is something she hasn't seen in at least a year. "You – we can start with this."
"The hozen," Thea says. Instinctively she covers his hand with her own, feeling the cold smoothed rock press against her palm. "God, I didn't think you would have held onto that."
"When you left," Roy says, getting back into the bed beside her, "I… couldn't even look at the thing, it reminded me of you so much. But then we went and got you from Corto Maltese, and I – didn't expect you to ever want me back, but if by some miracle you did, I decided I would give this back to you. You said it was supposed to symbolise – reconnecting. So this is me asking, I guess, if I can reconnect with you."
And now she manages to look up, meet his eyes, and somehow she finds it in her to smile at the hopefulness in his eyes.
"That's actually kind of romantic," Thea says, unable to keep the fondness out of her voice, "but you wouldn't exactly be reconnecting with Thea Queen."
"Yes I would," Roy says resolutely. "I still love you, Thea. I never stopped. That wasn't going to change because Malcolm Merlyn taught you to fight."
And once again she has to look away because she can't bear to see the love in his eyes – the love that she doesn't deserve in the slightest. "You know the first lesson Malcolm taught me?" Roy raises his eyebrows in question. "His exact words were – pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional."
"How exactly did he teach you that?" he asks. And Roy's never been very good at hiding his apprehension, not with Thea, anyway, and part of her wishes she hadn't said anything knowing what his reaction will probably be. But then he reaches up and pushes a lock of hair behind her ear, searching her eyes anxiously. "Thea?"
"Put it this way," she says finally. "If you poured boiling hot water on my hand right now, I literally won't even flinch."
Roy closes his eyes and immediately Thea wishes she hadn't spoken. "God, Thea, I –"
"It's okay," she interrupts. "I mean. I brought this on myself, really. I asked him to teach me to be strong. I… didn't count on him teaching me like that, but I was the one who went to him and stayed with him for so long."
"That doesn't give him a free pass," Roy tells her. "I knew he taught you to defend yourself, and I know he's…"
"Literally a supervillain?" Thea suggests, and it's supposed to be a joke but she winces at the sharp bitterness in her voice – maybe because it can't be a joke when it's true. "Maybe Nyssa and I should start a club."
Roy smiles a little at that, but it fades pretty quickly. "I don't know why, considering everything he's done, but – I just can't believe he would do that to you, Thea. Any of it."
"Someday I'll talk about it," Thea decides. "With you, I mean. All of it."
"You don't have to," Roy says instantly, but she shakes her head.
"I want to."
She smiles, then, and Roy smiles back, kissing her gently on her lips. "And in the meantime… you can always stay here if being in the loft is too much for you."
"I'd like that."
And this time, when she wraps her arm around Roy's waist and feels him kiss the top of her head, her mouth softly (easily) forms the words she was struggling to say before.
"I love you too, Thea," Roy whispers back.
Roy's red hoodie is big on her when she puts it on a few mornings later, slipping out of bed to go and pour herself some more wine. But it's comfortable, too, and warm and familiar and just so reassuringly Roy.
"You're going to stay for a bit longer, right?" Roy asks, and Thea turns around to see him stretching his arms and yawning in their bed.
"The wedding's in an hour and a half," Thea says, but she makes her way back to him all the same, settling on the bed once more. "And as much as I love parading around here in your hoodie –"
"For the record, I always thought it looked better on you than it ever did on me," he interrupts, and she grins back.
"That's because it's the only thing I'm wearing," she teases. Her smile fades a bit, though, for no reason whatsoever other than Roy's face going momentarily out of focus as he reaches out to touch her cheek, and she closes her eyes, wishing she didn't feel so spaced out all of a sudden.
She's experienced this before – these sudden bouts of feeling disembodied, almost, and like she's there but not there at the same time. In the night it's the worst, though it's easier, somewhat, now she's with Roy and doesn't have to be around her father in the loft anymore. But sometimes it just happens, when she's talking to someone, having a perfectly ordinary conversation, and it's much harder to mask how she really feels when it happens like that.
"Hey," Roy says softly, "you okay?"
To her relief the moment passes and Thea's head clears a bit, enough for her to nod and take a deep breath and meet his eyes. "Yeah," she says. "I think it's called dissociation."
"Did you just have one of those weird floaty moments?" he asks, and there is something strangely comforting about the ease with which he poses the question that calms her a bit. They've talked about it, not much and never for very long, but she's mentioned it before to him – even before they got back together.
"Something like that," Thea says quietly. "You know, ever since Ollie told me I killed Sara, I keep trying to think of the date of her death. What I can remember."
"Please don't do that."
Thea just scoffs bitterly, though. "It's okay. I still can't remember anything. It's like – my memory's just been wiped blank, and there's a whole week, at least, that I can't even begin to remember."
"It's not okay," Roy tells her. "It'll never be okay. But you trying to remember what happened – you're just hurting yourself. It's not going to help you remembering. Believe me, I know."
"You mean when you killed that police officer?" Thea replies, squeezing his arm sympathetically.
"Having those memories come back to me – it made it worse. I almost wish I didn't know because reliving that…"
"Almost," she can't help but point out.
"It was different with me," he says. "I didn't know what I'd done. Oliver only got me to remember because everyone thought I killed Sara."
She nods. "I remember you told me."
"You don't want to force it," he tells her. "If the memories come back, they will. On their own, without you torturing yourself in the process."
Thea sighs. "You're right." She puts her arms around his neck and this time she manages a proper smile. "What did I do to deserve you, Harper?"
"I believe you decided not to press charges on me for stealing your purse," Roy murmurs back.
When he kisses her, she can taste the laughter on his lips and somehow that's enough to make her feel again.
"You're gonna stay a while, right?" Thea says to Roy, and she's surprised she can even get the words out when her chest feels tight and her throat's all constricted and a minute ago she could barely breathe.
"I'm not going anywhere," Roy promises.
"Speedy, are you sure you're okay?" Laurel asks, and Thea musters up all her strength to smile at her.
"Yeah."
"You call me the second anything starts up again, all right?" Laurel tells her, and Thea nods and squeezes her friend's hand. Laurel smiles, pats Roy's shoulder. "I'll leave you two to catch up, then."
"Thanks," Roy calls, and Thea's grateful that Laurel shuts the door behind her. "Gotta say, it's kind of comforting to know some things never change."
"What do you mean?" Thea asks, trying to settle more comfortably against the pillows.
"I've been gone for months and Laurel's still definitely the mom friend."
She laughs at that, but she doesn't anticipate her chest tightening as she does so, and she has to close her eyes and breathe deeply for several seconds before the feeling goes away.
"So what are you doing here? I mean, I'm thrilled to see you, but if you're back in Star City, then –"
"Yeah, I'm still not used to calling it that," Roy says. "It's a… long story. But it can wait."
"You want to know how much I love wearing your suit every night," Thea says with a slight smile.
"Technically, it's your suit," he says, smiling back, and he pauses for a second before adding, "Speedy."
"I wanted to be called Red Arrow," she says, "but everyone kept calling me Speedy and eventually it just stuck."
Roy shakes his head. "I remember when I first started going out in the field with Oliver… he kept calling me Speedy. I guess he just missed you while you were away."
"I've missed you," Thea tells him softly. "So much."
"I missed you too." But for some reason, when Thea reaches for his hand, he hesitates for a moment before tentatively taking it. "Thea… what happened?"
"So Ollie didn't give you the cliff notes version of what's been going on here the last few months?"
"He did," Roy says, to Thea's surprise. "He told me what happened with Ra's, the… Lazarus Pit, how you were suffering from –"
"Bloodlust," Thea says resignedly. "And now that I can't fight it anymore, it's like I'm dying all over again." She tries to laugh but a strangled sound leaves her mouth that sounds anything but humorous.
"You're going to be okay, Thea."
"Not unless I kill someone," she replies in a hollow voice. "But let's change the subject."
"You want to know how much I miss being Arsenal," Roy guesses, and somehow the fact that they're somehow able to click right back into place with each other after months of being apart is enough to warm her heart.
"I mean, don't get me wrong, I love being Speedy. But sometimes when I put on the suit I think of you. Of how I know you must be missing this – the team, the feeling of… making a difference."
Roy nods. "I do miss it," he admits. "I was helping people. Saving people. And that was a good feeling." He pauses to laugh briefly. "God, I even miss the way people used to mistake me for the Flash sometimes."
Thea chuckles lightly. "Really? You'd think the bow and arrows would be a dead giveaway. That and… Barry doesn't have a hood like you do."
Roy's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "We teamed up with Team Flash earlier this year," Thea explains. "Took down this immortal guy who was after these two reincarnated soulmates – never mind," she says when she sees the look on his face.
"I take back what I said before," Roy says. "Seems things do change."
And she's not sure exactly why but his words prompt her to blurt out – without thinking – "Are you… seeing anyone?"
He seems surprised by her question, but then he says, "I've never been great at the whole relationships thing, and that was before I – why, are you?"
And she's not even sure why, really, because they're not together and haven't been for almost a year, but for some reason she still feels something like guilt when she meets his eyes. "His name is Alex," she says in a small voice. "He's… Ollie's campaign manager."
"Is he a good guy?" he asks, and his expression is almost unreadable as he covers her hand with his once more.
"Yeah. He… with everything going on with my – he calls it 'anger management', I didn't think we'd have a chance together. Not really. And he assumed I was grieving you, which, I mean, I kind of was, even though I knew you weren't dead, so he never pushed me. He's great. But he's just…"
She trails off, trying to find the words, but she can't. "He's just what?"
"I'm still kind of pushing him away," Thea admits, "because he's just… not you."
And she doesn't miss the way his eyes shimmer with emotion for a couple of seconds before he closes them, his hand still clasping hers. "Does he make you happy?" he asks. She nods, opening her mouth to add just not like I was with you, but he beats her to it. "Then can you promise me something?"
"Anything."
"When you get better –"
"If I get better," she corrects, but he shakes his head.
"When you get better… please at least try to make things work with this – Alex. I want you to be happy. Promise me, Thea, that you'll try?"
Her eyes fill with tears because she can hear the plea in his voice, even though he's trying to mask it with a smile. Thea's shoulders sink, then, and she manages a watery smile in return as she murmurs in assent.
"I did say anything," she admits, and when he hugs her she breathes in his familiar earthy scent mixed with leather and wonders how she's gone so long without him.
"I love you, Thea Queen," Roy says, and he lets the tears fall from his eyes this time, which just makes the lump in Thea's throat more painful.
"I love you, Roy Harper," she replies, her voice thick with tears, and her arms go around his neck as she hugs him for dear life once more. She doesn't want to let him go, not now, not ever, and it hurts her in her heart to pull away. "And I know we can't go back in time. But… sometimes I wonder if maybe – maybe in some other universe we find each other and things are better."
He laughs faintly. "Another universe?" he repeats.
"When we were working with Team Flash," Thea explains, "I… overheard – you know Cisco Ramon?"
Roy smiles. "Yeah, I remember Cisco. Cool guy."
"He was explaining to Dig how… there's more than one earth. And that on every earth it's like there's a different version of every person on each one."
"That sounds kinda like something out of a sci-fi movie," he says, "but, I mean, so does a guy with super speed or a pit that can bring people back from the dead."
"I guess – what I'm trying to say is that… all those things we could've had together if things were different? I like to think some other Thea Queen and Roy Harper on some other earth got a happy ending – marriage, kids, a –" She falters for a moment, fighting back a choked sound in the back of her throat. "– a minivan."
"If you're right," Roy says softly, "that makes them the two happiest people in their world."
They both look up as the front door opens and Laurel comes in. She smiles at them both.
"How are you feeling, Speedy?"
"I'm okay," Thea lies, because the concern on Laurel's face is just too much to bear. Thankfully it seems Laurel believes her because she then turns to Roy.
"So Felicity got you a car from Palmer Tech. I parked it a couple blocks from here. She also told me to give you these." Laurel hands Roy a satellite phone and a couple of envelopes.
"Thank her for me, will you?" Roy says to Laurel. She nods, patting him on the shoulder before going to her room, allowing them some privacy.
Immediately Roy's hand goes up to cup her cheek, and it takes all her willpower to tug his hand away and not meet his eyes. "You should go."
And Roy just nods, lets his hand fall back to his side and gets to his feet. Thea doesn't quite have it in her to stand up too, but she sits up a little and opens her arms for one last hug. Roy hugs her back, murmuring, "Remember what you promised me, okay?"
And she doesn't want to, at all, but she forces herself to let him go, whispering back, "Just as long as you remember what you promised me."