I started a new multi-chapter, what is wrong with me? On a good note, this could be the one I actually complete so there's something. Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do with this. I didn't know whether to post it, keep it to myself, change it into an original mainly because of the themes that are going to be in it. This isn't the happiest story, guys. It's Dark...Apparently not too dark where you want to stop reading, but there are dark parts in it. That being said it deals with drugs; both use and misuse, over doses, depression, death, guilt, and implications to sexual abuse. If, at any point, it becomes too much, you're free to leave of course. I, of course, hope you can stick around because I honestly believe it's one of my best fics. Thanks for Clare (its-a-story-of-love) for beta-ing this for me and I hope you all enjoy...somehow.
"I'd give all the wealth that years have piled,
The slow result of life's decay,
To be once more a little child,
For one bright summer day"
- Lewis Carroll
It's the beam of light that shines through the half closed curtains that rip her off her dream. She feels groggy; bones heavy and sore, head sounding like the lone beat of a drum.
Regina turns her head away from the light, the movement fast as the darkness beneath her eyes shakes and swirls, her stomach doing the same.
No fast movements.
She tries to catch onto those last dregs of sleep. Shifting atop of the body she lays upon. But something feels different. It has her heart stopping, blood running cold.
Ignoring every cry her body makes, Regina pushes herself up; one hand against the body, another against the couch. Her focus is immediately on Daniel, not the soft snores around her as her hands cup around his face.
He's cold.
Her eyes fall down to his chest. There's no soft rising, no sleep-puffed breath, no little snores.
Her brain is too hungover, to sleep-ridden to process it, but her heart does. The rapid ripples of pain that pulse through it one after another, after another. She feels them choking her, her breath coming out quicker as she tries to breathe, to fight the tears that well in her eyes.
She goes into auto drive.
Everything becomes distant; pushing herself away from Daniel's cold body, stumbling over the pill bottle and cans. Her gaze goes fuzzy, zoning in and out of focus, her stomach swirling, vomit ripping through her.
She just about makes it to the bathroom.
Last night's contents; pizza, cider, some yellow substance, all ending up in the toilet of someone's house.
She flushes the toilet, leaning against the seat, breath still deep and heavy as it exits in long, heaving puffs.
They need to move him.
The realisation sinks in. They can't find him here, they can't know what they were doing.
Wiping her mouth with the towel, she runs back into the living room, hopping over people, cans, left-over food. God, they could be dead for all she knows. They could all be dead. She the only one alive.A perfect punishment.
She looks amongst the people- the dead- lying on the floor, eyes jumping from one to the other. She barely knows any of them. They were all Daniel's friends, not hers.
She doesn't have any friends.
But she spies Mikey in the corner, slumped against some fallen cushions, and looking, thank god, like he's breathing.
It's a quick jump across all the clutter, standing in the empty spaces as practically hop-stotch's her way over to the boy.
Regina falls against the floor, hands instantly shaking the person awake, a mantra of Wake up, wake up, wake up and praying that he'll help her.
He shakes her off, mumbling a Gerroth! as he shifts away from her.
But she's back to shaking him awake again.
"What?" he asks sharply, grimacing against the pain in his own dead.
Her voice is croaky, hoarse from sleep, throwing up, the pain in her heart that wants to engulf her as she tries to speak the words.
"Daniel, he's...he's..."
She watches the annoyed look on Mikey's face turn to concern. His eyes rake her, fully taking in her appearance. Regina only got a glance at herself in the mirror when she was leaving the bathroom, can probably guess she looks a mess.
Mikey is shifting, sitting up, his eyes leaving Regina to Daniel, who lays lifeless on the couch.
"Shit!"
He flies up from his spot, hangover and all be damned.
Regina watches as he examines Daniel's body, checking that he is, in fact, dead.
"How much did he take?" Mikey asks and Regina uses all her strength to pull herself up from the floor, to stand beside Mikey and look down at the body of her boyfriend.
It takes as much a strength to shrug, and even more to speak.
"I don't know..."
"We need to move him," Mikey says, voice lacking any emotion. "He can't be found here."
The words sting, hearing them aloud. He deserves proper help. His family deserve the support. What if they dump him somewhere and he isn't found until days later when all the bugs and birds have eaten at him?
She doesn't voice her concerns, however. She just kneels down and grasps Daniel's hand, falling against him as she whispers,
I'm sorry.
.:.:.:.:.:.
Grief and guilt gnaw at her, trying to rip her apart piece by piece. Regina can't shake the images of the bugs eating at him, the birds pecking at him. They chose a beach of all places, where all types of scavengers can be found. She hopes someone stumbles across Daniel's body soon.
Regina doesn't help with the attempt of a burial. She lingers by the truck, watching from afar as Mikey, and his friend Lee try to cover but Daniel's body as best they can. Regina knows it's a hopeless task; the sand is too soft, one blow from the wind and Daniel's body will be uncovered.
Perhaps that's for the best.
They're all connected by a secret now, swearing not to tell anyone the truth of Daniel's death and if anyone should come snooping around, which Lee is certain they will, they're to lie and say they don't know anything.
Regina can imagine it's easy for the other two, they've probably done this countless of times before but for Regina, it's a heavy nod. It takes all her might to agree and she doesn't dare speak least the words that exit her mouth are different to her gestures.
.:.:.:.:.:.:.
Mikey drops her off at her house.
Home.
It was never home, hasn't been since her father's death. Her real father, not that cretin Mother remarried five years ago.
She hates this house.
Hates it with every ounce of her body. Befriending Daniel was a lifesaver, knowing she had someplace other than here to escape to when things at home got too much. The world he'd introduced her to had been her sanctuary but when that wasn't an option, Daniel was enough.
Daniel would always be enough.
Now where would she go?
She hadn't thought of that at first. Or maybe she had, she doesn't know. All she knows now is that she feels completely trapped, wants to close in on herself and shut the world off.
But that isn't an option.
Now she has to act like everything is normal, act like she isn't grieving, like she isn't hungover of ecstasy and LSD and god knows whatever else she ended up taking last night.
It takes everything ounce of strength in her body not to collapse right there and then.
.:.:.:.:.:.:.
There's no joy in this house anymore, the white walls and sharp decor take everything fun out of it. But perhaps it's fitting; a cold room to match her cold emotions.
She feels empty but full at the same time. She knows the emptiness comes from the aftermath of the drugs she took but the fullness...Regina knows that's the grief. Or perhaps it's the other way around.
She doesn't have the energy to grieve.
But she does so all the same.
Really, she just wants her bed; just wants to curl up in a ball and sleep this day (and all days to come) away. To answer to no do nothing but cry, to pour every bit of sadness away.
Everyone talks about the light at the end of the tunnel, but they never mention the second tunnels, or the third, or fourth tunnels because that's all there is. A bit of light, a bit of hope that you might be able to get off this train, but then there's a tunnel, one that runs longer than the last, each time getting longer and longer until that's all there is. Tunnels and that substitute as an escape.
Regina wishes she was dreaming now.
"You finally decide to show your face."
There are a lot of voices Regina would rather here right now; Father's, Daniel's, even Emma's would be nice.
Her mother does not have a spot on that list.
Mother's is sharp, judgemental, deprived of all natural soothing and comfort, nothing at all like a mother's voice should sound. Is there any wonder Regina used to cry whenever Cora held her.
"I was here the other day," Regina says. She tries to be aloof, to not let Cora know that anything is wrong, that anything has changed.
Had this been anyone else, they would've fallen into their mother's embrace. Had this been anyone else, they wouldn't have to go somewhere else just to feel free, they'd feel free right here, in a home that is just as much theirs at it is anyone else's. Had this been anyone else, they wouldn't have to fight to be distant, fight to keep things like they should be.
But Regina doesn't get that choice. She's not everyone else. And neither is Mother.
"Exactly," Cora says, crossing her arms. "The other day. Look at you. You look like you haven't sleep in days. Where have you been?"
Regina shuts her eyes. She can hear footfalls on the stairs behind her that she tries to focus on and not her desperation to just run back the way she came, to ignore all of Mother's questions and just run.
But where would she run?
"Regina."
The footsteps stop and Regina opens her eyes, feeling more tired than ever, feeling the urge to throw up again as she begins to heat up. But she knows she can't leave, not with Mother there, she'd instantly know something is wrong and she can't know that.
With a clench of her fists in yesterday's clothes, she mumbles, Nowhere.
"You're always nowhere, aren't you?" Cora says, disgust covering her words. "And yet you come back looking worse than how you left. You're drifting away, Regina rolls her eyes, not in the mood for any of this, to hear this lecture, the same thing over and over again. "You've been doing so since you were eight when your-"
"Don't," Regina cuts in, her teeth bite the inside of her mouth as she fights to keep the tears back. "Don't mention him, not now." She begins backing away, trying to get away, get to the safety of her room where nobody will disturb her.
"Regina, where-"
Regina keeps moving back, unaware of where she's going until she bumps into another person. Regina spins, finding Killian standing there smiling at her. The footsteps...they belonged to him.
Cora calls her name again but she just pushes Killian out of the way, ignoring his Hey!as her feet bang against the steps.
She feels a gush of something...everything; vomit mostly, but suffocation, too. She's been in this house for ten minutes and already it's sucking the air out of her.
She just about makes it to the toilet.
But she'd vomited everything up earlier, now it's nothing but acid, it all tumbling out of her mouth and into the bowl below her.
But it's not enough.
"Ever thought you could be pregnant?"
Regina shivers at the voice. Along with her mother not making the list of people's voices she wants to hear, another also makes that list. Her loving stepfather.
"Go away!"
"Come on, Regina, it's just fatherly concern..." His hand touches her shoulder but Regina shakes it off. His touch is repulsive to her, he never wants him near her again.
"Don't touch me," she says, wiping her mouth as she stands and turns. Her eyes are dark, full of the hatred she feels for this man, the hatred and anger that runs through her, overriding that grief and guilt for just a moment.
It's nice actually.
She thinks for a second of all the things she and Daniel have talked about regarding this man. All the ways they've thought of killing him. Now nice it would be to do that now.
She had a dream that she killed him, poisoned him with snake venom and watched as he withered in pain, his face turn black with the toxin, all the while she smiled on through it.
"You don't get to do that anymore."
She doesn't wait for his reply, or even for his reaction, Regina just walks past him, resisting the urge to kick his cane.
She slams the door to her bedroom. All her energy used by grief and guilt, hatred and anger. Aloofness and a losing battle.
Regina slumps against the door, curling her knees to her chest, her head falling against her knees. She shuts her eyes, focusing on the breaths and not the emotions she feels, not the emotions that want to eat her up, want to bite painfully at her skin.
She needs to mourn, she knows, but she can't do that. Not here, not with them lurking about. She needs relief, a way out, but she has none, it's gone from her now, gone the moment Daniel died.
But she has something. Even if it's just a little. An overactive imagine, Father called it, and a fitting book to go with it.
It takes a lot, but she scrambles up to standing. Walks over to her curtains, grabbing the one book she owns on her shelf, and shuts the blinds, shuts the world out.
Clutching the book, she climbs into her bed. It's as cold as she feels but she knows it won't matter soon. Soon it'll be a rabbit hole, with Regina falling down and clocks falling, chairs, tables...Soon she won't be here, she'll be following the White Rabbit and having tea parties with the Mad Hatter.
Regina opens the first page.
Down. Goes. Alice.