Horrible bone crushing boredom.
A horrible wave of boredom engulfs me, dragging me back until I can no longer struggle. But I still refuse to call you up, to send you a text, to let my lips move to shape the familiar word of your name. You didn't text me first, and as I check my glowing phone for the third time in a row today, this hour, I wonder if you even care. If you worry about what in doing, how I'm doing, or where I am, I'd never know. Instead of listening to your sugar sweet voice, I am here, scrawling words on a brown recycled napkin, bound to be thrown away, the same way you threw away my feelings for her.
Her.
Her voice is soft yet strong like a a persistent morning wind; her demeanor is shy and quiet. She spends her Sundays reading Shakespeare, Steinbeck, and Dickens and studying how to rule her kingdom. She's like me but better. She's better in the way that her soft voice can still touch the hearts of many. She's better in the way that her mile time is faster than mine. She's better in the way that she could make you smile that cheeky lovable smile that used to belong to me.
Yet I still want to think you belong to me.
I still have your blue denim jacket and the photos of me and you hanging out in your tree house. Your memories linger the same way that your presence does, and your jacket's scent certainly doesn't allow me to forget. I'd like to forget. Your long blond locks hidden in your custom bear hat, your aquamarine blue eyes, and your arm around me are images printed in my mind.
I can't forget our adventures together. I can't forget the way you made me feel alive, loved, and important, anymore than one can erase the dents etched into the cement sidewalk. I'm hurting from the void you left, and I don't know what to do.
I can only clench my teeth as the tears threaten to spill from my eyes, as I tell myself that people have come and gone in my life and that your disappearance was no different. I will listen to music until my mind instinctively mutes the music, and all that I hear is the loud buzz of silence. I will walk miles until I feel like I can no more. I will repeat my mantra.
"I don't need you. It was for the best. I never loved you." Hopefully, these lies will fill my void, numb the pain, and stop the hurt. Maybe it'll never stop hurting, but it will diminish and fade like a white scar pale against tanned skin, as I gently fold your jacket away and I spend more time with others. I will breathe out your presence and breathe in new life. When my smiles are no longer for you, that's when I know I've forgotten to remember to love you.