Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, nor do I claim rights to any of the affiliated characters.
Warnings/Notes: Description of bodily injury and distress, though nothing too graphic. Commissioned by wombatking on tumblr, thank you!
Belonging
I.
Thick, summer air clung to them like a second skin, sweat forming at their hairlines and along their collars. They bobbed in and out of the water to Beast Boy's giggle and the rumble of Cyborg's heavy footfall. Against the gentle pull of the current and the warmth of the sun on their backs, the tower was nothing more than a bold silhouette in the distance. Duty an almost-forgotten whisper. Only Robin still recalled its urgency, glancing sideways over his shoulder like someone might lay siege to their home.
"Are you sure the water won't damage the communi-"
Cyborg shot out of the water and planted his fist against Robin's head, "For the last time today, we're not gonna short out the communicators. You think I'd shock my own circuits? The equipment is water, wind, and bulletproof. The only thing it hasn't survived so far is Beast Boy."
The green otter blinked his eyes open, squinting too hard against the sun to glare. "Is it my fault gorillas don't have pockets?"
"Yes!" They replied collectively, and he sunk into the surf to pout.
"Raven, you must enjoy the water!" Starfire called, letting herself fall gracefully into the waves.
"I am." She replied dryly, hint of a smile brushed back.
"You must enjoy all of the water!" Starfire's warm hands pressed into hers, pulling her from the waist-deep shallows in an aquatic waltz. Raven relented an inch at a time, teasing Starfire while she beamed impatiently.
"It's cold." She said matter-of-factly.
"It would not be if you went in all at once. It feels glorious!" She punctuated the thought by disappearing into the chill, and for the first time in years Raven closed her eyes to immerse herself. Was this what it felt like, she wondered, eyes adjusting to the salt of the sea, to actually live life? She had been on the sidelines so long. Despite the nagging weight in her stomach that said otherwise, belonging felt…nice.
They stayed under the water, twisting to the current with their fingers laced together. Cyborg shook the sand around their feet chasing Beast Boy, and for a moment, lips pressed against one another's, brief heat in tepid water, quick hearts and eager smiles, they forgot themselves.
"Let's play chicken!" Beast Boy called when they surfaced, morphing into a chicken and realizing his error immediately. He flapped his wings dejectedly and gargled as he sunk into the water, Robin shaking his head beside him.
"No way I'm letting any of you put me on your shoulders." Raven replied.
"That sounds most strange." Starfire glanced to the higher cliffs above them. "There are much taller places to climb."
"It's part of the game," Raven explained. "Four people play, two on the bottom, two on top. The point is to try and knock each other into the water."
Starfire listened, eyes sparkling.
"You're not thinking about the game, are you?"
She shook her head, wet hair clinging to her shoulders, "I'm going to leap!" She exclaimed, treading water back to shore.
"Leap?"
"Oh, yes, and we shall celebrate my victory!"
Starefire took off toward the cliffs, each step flinging hot sand behind her in eagerness. She imagined it all sliding away from her skin in a dramatic wave as the water encased her.
"Be careful!" The others called, their voices a melded blur from the top of the cliff. Adrenaline stalled in her veins and she swept a hand through her hair to tame the nerves. After gaging the distance from the edge she took a few steps back, flashed a thumbs up, and steeled herself.
"My name is careful!" She called, much too loudly with her hands cupped in front of her mouth.
The others laughed but didn't correct her, too curious for the freefall. Raven took a deep breath to banish the knot of anxiety before it started affecting her powers.
Control your emotions.
"You can do it!" She encouraged, taking a moment to collect herself.
Starfire ran like the world began and ended with her steps, pushing off the cliff and curving into a graceful swan dive. Goosebumps prickled along her body with the caress of the wind and the further she fell, the more speed she picked up. By the time the warm embrace of water finally came, sharp sting dissipating into blessed relief, she didn't have time to react to how shallow it was.
Sharp rocks sliced her forehead, neck snapping back and knocking half the breath from her lungs in a stream of bubbles. She couldn't tell if they made it to the surface, if she was floating upwards toward the warm summer air. Consciousness bloomed in agony and fizzled out into numbness. While time edged away in agonizing measure, stealing the little breath she had to sustain her, she struggled against the rising screams of pain and nothingness.
"Is she okay?" Robin asked, shielding his face from the glare of the sun.
"She should have come up by now." Raven said. Three words kept the nausea from creeping into her throat, carrying her across the water with quick strokes to look for her. "Starfire?" It was shallow enough she could touch the bottom, making it easier to navigate.
She could touch the bottom.
Panic dissolved into duty, each glance aimed with more purpose as she fumbled in the rocks and vegetation. Her foot brushed something soft before she could call for Starfire again, drawing every ounce of emotion into a single point and shattering it – an arm. It only took seconds to realize who it belonged to. She flipped her over, red hair flowing out in all directions, darker blood staining the water in a thick trail.
No.
Raven wrapped an arm around her back and tried to placate the silent terror etched into her features.
No.
They surfaced in the thick of summer's embrace, the others swimming closer when they saw Starfire's limp body.
"What happened?" Raven asked calmly, instinctively.
"I – cannot move!" Starfire gasped, taking in as much air as she could and blinking back the sting of salt and tears. "I cannot move anything!"
It was Cyborg who managed to snap out of the terror first, "Call an ambulance." He told Beast Boy, who flew to shore for their gear.
In the frenzy of orders and concern, Raven stayed with Starfire, staring down at her with unmatched concentration, meditating on her face and pacifying her fears with each sweep of a hand through her hair.
"You're okay," She told her softly, "You hit the ground pretty hard so your body needs time to recover, I'm going to stay with you. Take slow breaths, feel the air filling up your lungs."
"I cannot." Starfire rasped, still unable to cough up the dregs of water. Each step Raven took was another reminder that she couldn't feel the movement from her arms, when Raven helped her sit on the beach there was no sensation, no warmth. Aside from the heat of the sun on the back of her neck, her world was the softened face in front of her, long fingers coaxing themselves through her tangled hair.
"I am…broken."
Raven felt the thinness of her voice as if it slid through her fingers, Cyborg's wince a second blow against her back, somewhere above and to the left of her.
"We're going to get help; they'll know exactly what happened. You're not broken." She assured her, "You're here with me, you can breathe again, and no matter what happens, you're still you."
She focused on the words as they left Raven's lips, trying to sap the emotion from them as motivation to move. Her legs would move if she concentrated hard enough, wouldn't they? She would be able to swim if she rested a little while. Her eyes started to close against the blur of lights in the distance, distorting Raven's voice until it was gone.
"Stay with me, Starfire. We're getting help but I need you to…stay…with me."
She didn't know how long she stayed under the cool water, Raven's hands in hers, bodies floating up toward the surface, but it must have been a while. When they reached the crest of the water, warmth blossoming over her and enveloping Raven's pale skin, she winced hard against the sun. The more she blinked, the more the water around her fell out of focus.
"Starfire?"
She was slipping away from Raven, into the sea, under the waves, fingers straining for any semblance of traction and coming away bloody.
"Starfire."
She tried to meet the empath's eyes and cried out when the sun shone bright against her face.
Burning.
Blind.
Even as the water took her in, the only thing she knew was brightness.
"Hang in there." An unfamiliar voice crooned overhead. She stared up at him through half-lidded eyes, blinking a few times like it would draw the brightness from the room. The walls were stark white and sterile, not a trace of home. The only thing she recognized was Raven's scent wafting over her when she bent to brush her hair out of her face.
"You're awake." She said, voice a softer rasp than usual. "How do you feel?"
"My body is…frozen?" She asked, tongue thick and swollen from lack of water. There was a needle in her arm that supplied fluids, but it felt like she'd been swilling salt. Her throat burned vaguely and when she blinked the stray moisture from her eyes, realized Raven had brought a cup to her lips.
"Drinking will help clear your head." She said, using a button on the remote to recline the bed more, moving the straw to Starfire's lips.
She took slow sips, finding every familiar face she could to quell the panic. Why wouldn't her arms move? How long would it take before her body listened to her again?
"I understand you're ready to see her but I'd like to speak with Starfire in private." The doctor said.
She moved to sit up, make herself bigger and the assertion that they could stay stronger, but her body wouldn't budge. She tried to crane her neck and found it restricted, sharp pain flaring over her when she started to turn her head to look for help.
"No," She said, smiling through the pain so they wouldn't worry, "They are my friends, please, they must stay."
Their eyes met long enough for him to see the determination in them, pull his lips into a tight line against his face, and nod. Pulling a stool over to sit beside the bed, he began, "You've sustained a fracture to the C4 and C5 vertebrae, the brace you're wearing will help promote healing and keep the pain at a minimum. The broken neck will heal with time, but the damage to your spinal cord is severe and permanent. I'm afraid you may never regain feeling below your neck."
The words tumbled around her head like defective landmines. She understood broken neck, healing, never regaining feeling. Didn't he say cords? She didn't have any cords. Her brow furrowed in concentration and she tried to move her hand into Raven's to no avail.
"My body is…frozen?" She repeated. "It can…un-freeze?"
"Physical therapy once your neck heals will confirm how much damage was sustained because of the separate injuries. You'll likely never pull out of the paralysis."
Raven put on a brave face and took Starfire's hand even though she couldn't feel it, hoping the gesture would help. Though Starfire couldn't squeeze back, she imagined her holding on until the lines of their palms left creases in each other's skin, until the marks of their bodies became one. When the others gathered close to her side, thanking the doctor as he filed out, she whispered a much needed azarath metrion zinthos, and turned back to Starfire.
"I am fine." She assured, smile as bright as always, "My body needs time to…to…" She forced her gaze to Raven as much as she could, and Raven instinctively moved to sit beside her on the bed so she wouldn't have to strain in the future.
"To recover," Raven provided.
How could she have said something so premature?
"Yes, I will still have my victory." She said with a little giggle.
"Dude, your dive was awesome, you totally killed it!" The others glanced over in shock while he paled, the severity of the words sinking in, "I mean, no, I mean yeah but—"
"I am most thankful!" Starfire said, and only mourned that she couldn't fling her arms around Beast Boy to reassure him.
As the hours wore on there were many things she struggled to realize she couldn't control. Eating, drinking, breathing comfortably while lying flat, scratching her cheek where her hair brushed against it. But as long as Raven nestled close there was a reason to keep fighting and a hope to set her sights on. They would have their first earth date; travel to the mall of shopping like they had so long ago. In time, if she stayed positive, everything would be okay just like it always was.
When the nurse came to tell them visiting hours were over, it was harder to watch her friends deflate than to face staying in the strange, white room alone.
"Miss? I'm sorry but—"
"I'm a Teen Titan." Raven replied, "Tell them I'm here for security, or tell them I'm here as morale for sick children –" she made a note to go visit them – "I'm not leaving her."
If the administration wanted to argue with a hero, they were paid enough to do it. The nurse bowed out gracefully with nothing more than a, "Let us know if you need anything."
"But you are tired." Starfire protested once the door closed, "You need the sleep."
Raven only smiled, letting her hands hover over Starfire's arms, "I couldn't sleep knowing you were here alone. No one should face the hospital by themselves."
She leaned down to steal a quick peck before resuming the original position, "I'm going to try and heal you. I don't know how your body will react so if anything starts to her hurt, tell me."
Starfire did her best to nod dutifully against the brace, "I will."
"Promise?"
She couldn't duck her head away to hide the blush rising in her cheeks, "I will." She replied with a giggle.
So they started.
When they had no success, they moved.
Raven tried her arms and legs, hands and feet, fingers and toes. Maybe if she concentrated on smaller sections or systems of the body, it would have a stronger effect. Until the early hours of the morning she switched positions while they talked about anything and everything, home at Titan's tower, and homes that stopped being homes before they found their way to it.
It wasn't until she started on Starfire's neck, seeing marked improvement in her ability to nod and turn her head, that she realized.
"You're in pain." She said, "I'm hurting you."
"You are not." Starfire replied.
"I can see it in your eyes."
Starfire craned her neck forward until their foreheads pressed together, "I am not in pain, you have my promise." She said, and for a long time neither of them pulled away. This might be the only closeness she could get for a while, and Starfire was determined to savor it.
After a week of physical therapy, vision, hearing, and neurological exams, there was no improvement. Her resolve wavered but didn't break.
While the others talked about all the things they would do, Cyborg pointing out blueprints and capabilities of equipment she didn't intend to need, she nodded and smiled, promising Raven she would walk again.
They would go to the beach and play every "stupid game" at the boardwalk. When they finished they would pile all the giant, stuffed chickens on Beast Boy's bed and run off giggling.
But weeks turned to months.
The brace came off.
Raven's magic didn't help. The doctor's magic didn't help.
They tried, desperately, but she remained frozen.
No amount of pleading or reasoning with herself helped her hug Raven or kick Beast Boy playfully when he pretended to sit on her feet. She couldn't reach up to Robin and press both hands to his shoulders when he was stressed after missions gone awry.
"There will always be people who want to hurt us." She told him, "But we don't have to let them."
She wasn't sure why his hug seemed so sad to her, or why he left the room right after, she just knew the helplessness of sitting on a bed watching her friend struggle while she knew she couldn't follow.
And in the night, with her nose touching Raven's, their bodies so close on the little bed, she almost confessed everything.
I don't know how to not walk. I don't know how to not help. I don't know how to not hug you when you're sad or dance with you when you're happy. I don't know how to stop being me just because my body stopped wanting to.
I don't.
When Raven's communicator went off in the middle of a story, Starfire stopped her from turning it off like she normally would.
"Go," She said, "You must help."
Raven shook her head slightly, "I want to be with you."
"I want that too, but you are needed."
Raven bridged the small distance between them, lips over Starfire's, "You're needed too." She whispered, "The tower is empty without you."
By the time she convinced Raven to go, facing the empty hospital room full of medicine that couldn't help her; she fully understood what that meant. The burdens fell onto her shoulders, crushing her with the knowledge that she would never outrun them, and for the first time since the panic at the beach, she let herself cry.
Raven never commented when her sheets were dirty, but she felt terrible every time she made an excuse so a nurse could help her instead. Raven always fed her, got her water, pulled the blankets up or down, but it took up so much time. She was taking so much of her friends' energy and they would never have the heart to tell her. Even when the city was in trouble, they focused on her.
She didn't know how to be helpless.
When the doctor told her they had worked with Cyborg on some equipment that would help make her more independent, that she could go home, she nearly sobbed. So many things in her life had been terrifying until this point, but this was the first edged in happiness.
Raven snuck homemade cake in to celebrate and she could barely eat half before she leaned into her, letting herself fall until Raven repositioned her. Her arms were the only place that still made her feel whole.
"I cannot climb the stairs." She said, cheek to Raven's shoulder.
"I'll carry you." Raven replied with a smile, pressing her lips to Starfire's head, "We all will."
"I will not be able to walk."
"No, but Cyborg's wheelchair will help, and there's equipment to help you read and change the TV channels, spin your clothes in the closet so you can pick an outfit."
But not put it on.
The doctors had confirmed what they feared, her neck had healed fine but the paralysis was permanent. She would never walk again, could never feed, dress, or bathe herself again. She would never be a true Teen Titan again.
Yet she held out a small and quivering hope that having her friends would make things more bearable. Even though she had no idea how, they would help her adjust to being this new person with new limits until, eventually, it felt like her.
"I need…" Her voice broke around the word and Raven stood, taking her into her arms.
"I'll help you." She said, "Don't worry."
Before the accident, no one had seen her as intimately as Raven had now. No one would have seen her that way and treated her like they hadn't, except Raven.
"It is horrible…" She whispered, turning her cheek to rest on Raven's arm as she supported her in the bath, "But I do not know how to be me anymore."
Raven pulled her into a hug, wet hair and all, "You'll learn." She assured her, "Every day I tell myself the same thing, and every night, while I meditate, I get a little closer."
More than anything, in those final moments before she brought the burdens home – she had never been able to shake them – Starfire believed her.
II.
Starfire stared in awe at the wheelchair Cyborg brought in from the T-car. "Congratulations," He said, "You've got your own set of wheels."
She had never been happier to be able to smile.
"It is glorious." She said, "I will be able to walk faster than my feet. Cyborg you are most wonderful!"
Cyborg rubbed the back of his head with a hand, "It was nothin', really."
She marveled at her friends from the back seat, leaning against Raven's lap for support. They had done so much for her while she was too busy worrying about not feeling herself. She had to show them she could do this with their help, that, one day, they would be a team again.
"I can…test drive?" She asked excitedly, and at the prompt, Raven unclicked the seat belt from across her lap and chest, lifting her out of the car.
"Why do I get the feeling I'll be chasing you across the roof?" She asked with a laugh.
The very thought quelled the anxiety in Starfire's stomach, replacing it with suppressed warmth. Every cheer from her friends, every word of encouragement pushed her through the awkwardness. Cyborg parked the car and she stared out at the grass bending in the wind, the remnants of a prank war still littered in the yard.
She was home.
"You can move by blowing air into the little straws." Beast Boy explained excitedly, pointing to each one, "Straight, right turn, left turn, and stop."
Starfire watched intently, turning her head to brush Raven's stomach when she felt her behind her. "You will not have to push me." She said.
"But I probably will anyway."
Starfire bowed to blow into the tube so she had a reason to disguise the blush. It sent her speeding toward the entrance with a little squeal of glee.
"Dude!"
"Guess I shoulda dialed back the horsepower. Whoopsie."
The tension lifted when Raven let out a little laugh, and in their shock, everyone else chorused her. Heading up the path to follow Starfire, Robin shimmied in front of her to get the door.
"There is a triangle here!" Starfire exclaimed, starting toward the ramp Cyborg had installed so she wouldn't need the stairs to the entrance.
"Oh, yeah, he's working on an elevator too. You know, the one he started back when we moved in and had to "research" before he finished."
Cyborg offered a half-hearted glare, letting Raven through to be next to Starfire in case the wheelchair couldn't make it past the lip in the doorway. When it did, every threw their arms out in excitement and chanted, "Welcome home!"
Christmas lights flashed "Welcome Home Starfire" and "Starfire: MVT."
She made a conscious effort to control her breathing, gliding through the halls to take it all in. It was hard not to be overwhelmed with the weight of it all, the stereo she used to dance to was still there, Silky's old pillow was on the couch in the corner, and smelled, not surprisingly, like Beast Boy. Raven's herbal tea was arranged in neat rows on the counter, alphabetically by flavor.
"There are new ones!" She exclaimed, stopping with the gang at her back. "Orange dream, hi…biscuit."
"Hibiscus." Raven corrected with a smile, and reached over to show off the newest box, "This is one I think you'll like. It's turmeric. Bright yellow and probably tastes a little like mustard."
Starfire gasped, "I am eager to consume it! Oh, how I have missed food that is not glop!"
"Y'all know what that means? Breakfast for dinner!" Cyborg declared, grabbing Beast Boy before he could reach for the tofu, "Not in my scrambled eggs!"
"Aw, c'mon, just a little taste. Star, you're gonna love my vegetarian breakfast casserole. There's tofu eggs, tofu bacon, tomatoes, onions, peppers, coconut milk cheese – which is a lot better than cashew milk cheese for some reason."
Starfire was too busy watching Cyborg's expression twist into horror, giggling until the motion shook the chair.
"Everybody knows the girl came for pancakes!" He interrupted.
Raven bent to open a cabinet and pull out a bulk pack of her girlfriend's treasured condiment. "With mustard."
The first traces of sunset were on the horizon and she could see them clearly through the window, if she wanted – and her friends offered – she could picnic outside and enjoy them. But she was consumed by the warmth of her family, of her home, and wanted to savor every lost moment of bickering and squabbling over music. She had so missed Robin's definitive eyebrow arch, well over the mask, when Beast Boy tossed an egg at an unsuspecting Cyborg only for it to splatter on the floor. Raven's fierce guard of the tea kettle, black aura snaking out to grab the two troublemakers and knock their heads together.
"If you want to break something, try the waffle iron."
"But you love waffles!"
Nothing could replace the comfort of Raven's voice – no more traces of fear, no more hidden questions, no more pressing if she was okay – when she said, "Herbal. Tea."
For three months those words, and the patient woman behind them, kept the burdens at bay. She didn't think too much about Raven feeding her meals. Her heart stopped racing at the thought of Raven seeing her body, scars from various fights hidden under clothes and behind her hair. When she needed water in the night, Raven was somehow always awake, instinctively offering the glass.
She grew to love and resent straws – the epitome of her independence and limits – asking for drinks without them whenever she could. Only Raven knew how to offer water without spilling it on her, leaving her with tiny sips, or practically drowning her. Her friends were attentive in more ways than she could have ever imagined, but something existed between her and Raven that would never be mirrored, nor replaced.
To an extent she could never explain, they were part of each other, bodies operating on the same wavelength. Sometimes she wondered when the connection would fade, and just before anxiety could convince her it was today, Raven's soft knock came at the door.
"Are you awake?" She asked.
"I am." Starfire said softly.
The door swung open and the light came on overhead. Raven's usual cloak and leotard had been replaced with a pair of dark wash jeans and a violet sweater.
"It's going to be cold today," She said, "Want to wear something cozy?"
Starfire nodded, admiring her as she crossed the room to the closet. "You look beautiful." She said, and for the first time she could remember since the accident, it was Raven's turn to blush.
"Thanks." She mumbled, shuffling in place before pulling a few items out of the closet. "Let me know if anything jumps out at you." She thoughtfully thumbed through the pieces for something that would be warm but not uncomfortable. Preferably a turtleneck so Starfire would actually notice the warmth.
A little gasp sounded behind her, followed by a delighted, "It jumped!"
Raven glanced down at the pale blue turtleneck in her hand and smiled. "I love this color on you." She said, and made her way over to carefully help Starfire to the bathroom. "How would you like me to braid your hair?"
Starfire grinned, pushing last night's worry down further. "I would love it!" She cheered. "Oh, it will be beautiful. We will match!"
Raven nodded, staring at the sections as she separated them and concentrating on what she'd seen others do a hundred times. Left over right…and then over middle. Or was the middle supposed to move first? She started a pattern and stuck with it, pausing about halfway down Starfire's head.
"It is finished?" She asked.
Raven blinked at the mess in front of her, nothing more than four bumps and a giant knot almost in the shape of a bow. "I should try again." She said, and brushed it out, sneaking glimpses at a video on her phone to mimic the motions. It was loose when she finished, but presentable. "Wanna see?"
Starfire nodded eagerly, glad she could at least communicate that much, and Raven held her mirror up so she could see the reflection in the one above the sink. "I am beautiful," She said, "I feel like a princess."
Raven quirked an eyebrow, "You are a princess." She said with a grin, helping her back onto the bed to get her changed. Starfire tried to help Raven guide her arms into the sleeves, or pull the braid through the turtleneck to lie between her shoulder blades. When her arms refused to smooth the cable knit sweater over her stomach, and her legs never budged to fill the jeans Raven inched over them, she told herself to be calm. Take deep breaths.
Raven never had to take deep breaths.
Rather than turn them to fissures, Raven smoothed over the cracks in her resolve, helping her into her chair, talking through the little things they'd do today for the first time.
"Cold pizza for breakfast?" She asked.
"That would be most wonderful."
She didn't have to request the thin layer of mustard Raven spread on the pizza. While she watched the sun come up, her eyes kept gravitating to the knife cutting it into pieces. She would never hold it on her own again. Someone would always have to –
"Raven, it's Dr. Light, we have to go!" Robin called from the doorway.
Starfire, anticipating her response, leaned forward for the bite that was halfway to her lips, making an exaggerated noise while she chewed.
"Go," She said, "I will do the reading."
Raven nodded with her eyes on the abandoned pizza and Starfire moved back from the table so she wouldn't feel obligated to stay.
"We'll be right back." Robin promised, and it took all she had not to say, 'injured.'
Instead, she did her best to put on a smile, "Be safe, my friends." She said.
"You too Star, we'll keep you updated." She could use the mouth stick for her phone and communicator, but they probably wouldn't have time to update in the thick of battle.
She looked up, closing her eyes to be fully absorbed in Raven's worried kiss, and watched them leave her to halls that echoed all the ways she was empty.
She made her way to the control room and stared at the closed door keeping her from the monitors overlooking the city. She backed up, turned the chair sideways, adjusting it as much as she could to get close. It was a knob, not a handle, and her teeth refused to twist it as far as it needed to, to unlatch.
She pulled away, trail of drool following her, and turned her neck to wipe it on a shoulder as the tears built.
Every time she convinced herself Raven's patience would wear thin, it stretched further. She was the only one who really knew her routine and didn't have to ask questions. When she needed more butter on her potatoes, Raven knew how much, when she was cold, Raven knew how tightly to wrap the scarf so she didn't feel claustrophobic. Home had whittled down to so many specific moments and faces that being anywhere else drove her insane.
She tilted her head back and let it slam forward into the door, once, twice, over and over until it stopped taunting her.
With her city in danger and her friends in peril, she couldn't even watch their victory. The word rung in her ears while she cried, softly at first, then with wild abandon, breath hitching, nose running, chest pulled tight with the force.
"We will celebrate my victory!"
Why hadn't she flown away? Changed her mind? Raven never needed her to prove herself daring, so why had she so desperately wanted to shine for her by doing something so – stupid? Now she was trapped in a body that didn't cooperate, a city that looked to her with pity.
When they went to the hospital to thank the staff and visit with the children, there were four Teen Titans and a photo op. They were the heroes, she was the consolation prize.
Though she had never felt more connected and in love since surrendering control of herself, she didn't want to be powerless over her own life, she was tired of being a victim like the ones she used to save.
Her hair pulled out of the braid in messy pieces and the bruise across her forehead ached dully, teasing her with pain she would have given anything to feel spread across her body.
The door stayed closed.
The monitors locked away.
Daylight faded into darkness, and with it, her hope to read vanished. She wouldn't have anyway. Books were superficial and reading about the hero she used to be a horrific sort of torture. She didn't need to be whisked away to new worlds – she'd rather admire the look on Raven's face while she was – she just needed to find her niche in this one.
Every mission she sat out made it harder; until she was convinced it was as she feared.
Impossible.
III.
Winter dissolved into spring. The weight she juggled between spread fingers, limp on the armrests of her chair, learned to migrate. Between family dinners and rooftop volleyball games – sometimes they spiked the ball to her and she managed to get it over the net with her forehead – her thoughts were always heavy. There was a profound emptiness anchored in the pit of a stomach she couldn't feel but couldn't forget existed, too much attention to a body that didn't work but was more famous than it had been when she was an athlete and a champion.
Sometimes, in the middle of Raven's healing massages, she would lean back against her chest to listen to her breathe.
She had long stopped watching days pass out the window. She couldn't recall how many weeks she'd been home, or what month it was.
But she checked the calendar on her phone for the first time when Raven came home with a present, hidden shyly behind her back.
"It is…for me?" Starfire asked, overcome and embarrassed. Maybe Robin would take her shopping to return the favor. He was the best at keeping secrets.
Raven nodded, "It's a little weird." She admitted, and though she couldn't see it, Starfire could feel Raven's fists curl around the bag to gather her nerve. She wondered if that sixth sense was what Raven knew all the time. It was beautiful and unnerving.
"I will love it, I love it much already." She assured, moving her chair closer. She had gotten used to the controls, able to cross rooms without bursts of too-strong movement and sudden stops when she thought she'd run into something breakable.
Raven revealed the pink gift bag with Starfire's name on it in elegant handwriting, sitting it in her lap to pull out the stethoscope.
"Doctors use these to listen to our hearts." She helped fit the pieces in Starfire's ears and moved the other end around until she found her own heartbeat, letting Starfire listen for several seconds. "I think about yours a lot."
Starfire looked down instinctively, prepared for the blush, but rather than settle in her cheeks warmth spread over her entire being. It touched her ears and the length of her neck, at the edge of her collarbone.
Raven knelt slowly and purposefully in front of Starfire, taking the end of the stethoscope and pressing it over her own heart.
"How does it sound?" She asked, "Ice cold?"
"No." Starfire shook her head adamantly. "They sound the same."
"It's funny," Raven said, voice trailing off around the word, "I used to wish I was more like you, but I realize now we were more alike than I ever imagined."
She lifted her gaze to Starfire's, stethoscope over her racing heart, "Will you go out with me tonight?"
Starfire stammered, gathering the courage to look at her, "I – yes – but are you certain? People are going to…look at me."
Raven rose from her knees in one graceful motion and embraced her, "I'm sure," She said, "We can go to the movies, the theater will be dark and I can sit right beside you. I was thinking Chinese takeout after. We'll park under the moon at the lookout."
She tried to blink back the tears but they fell in two, hot trails down her cheeks. "That would be most wonderful."
Raven gently guided her head up, tears brushed back on her thumbs, and pressed her lips to Starfire's, deepening the kiss for the first time.
"On one condition." She whispered.
Starfire blinked up at her owlishly, "Anything."
"Beast Boy can never know I wore a dress."
Starfire couldn't contain the laughter, "It is a deal." She said, "I shall wear one too. We will look lovely."
Starfire always looked lovely.
"Want me to braid your hair?" She asked.
"I will wear it down like yours." Starfire replied, and to that Raven nodded.
"We have some preparing to do then." She admitted, "I…haven't shaved my legs since that day at the beach."
For a long moment, Starfire forgot they'd both been wearing pants to combat the cold. "I have not either…we will be hairy together!" She declared.
But that night, as the first traces of sunset dusted the horizon, their looks came together. Starfire wore a periwinkle dress to match the shade of the sweater Raven loved, and white gloves that came up just past her elbow.
Raven wore a white, halter-top dress that reached her knees and a pair of flats so she wouldn't have to worry about stumbling in heels.
It was April 19th, the first day Starfire bothered to remember since the one that changed everything. Her body remained frozen, but the world around her, and the terrible thoughts that told her she didn't belong in it, started to thaw.
"Ready?" Raven asked, laying Starfire's purse on her lap and tucking a clutch under her arm.
Starfire nodded, "I'll be the lookout," She whispered, and at Raven's confused glance added, "For Beast Boy!"
"Oh," Raven mouthed, "Good plan."
They crept out of the house, Raven using the quieter hallway to the elevator while Starfire made sure Beast Boy was distracting playing air guitar to music in his room. He always forgot to plug his headphones in and wore them over his ears. She had missed that sight, and even a glimpse helped calm her nerves on the way to the door, and then the car.
"So," Raven said once they were both buckled and headed off, "There's some rom-com playing where a girl falls in love with her cat."
Starfire waited patiently.
"Oooor…Wicked Scary 4." They finished together.
"I've been waiting a year and a half for that stupid movie." Raven said from the backseat, trying to hide the grin from the rearview mirror.
"I eagerly await the screams of terror." Starfire chimed, much too chipper.
She watched the city lights come up as they sped by, using back roads to avoid most of the traffic. The T-car stuck out like a sore thumb but it was a Wednesday, and they avoided the theater downtown, so it wasn't too crowded.
"Popcorn?" Raven asked once they had their tickets.
Starfire shook her head no. "I will save room." She said, and Raven immediately understood.
There were only two handicapped spots in their theater that would accommodate Starfire's wheelchair, and they chose the one at the back so Raven could sit beside her.
"I'm almost sad we don't have Beast Boy to narrate the boring previews." She said, settling into her seat and fussing with her hair.
"You are stunning." Starfire said brightly, "And I shall be Beast Boy for us."
An ad for new car models came on and she watched the vehicle tear through the dirt, flinging sand and debris behind it. Raven's hand found her shoulder and she smiled, preparing. "I am a metal box, you must see me go fast because that is most important, I bring tickets and police but you should buy me because I'm shiny."
Raven laughed, "That was good, who needs Beast Boy?"
"You must try the next one." Starfire said excitedly, and with some convincing, Raven caved.
A cereal ad came on, and in trademark monotone she said, "I have more sugar than two candy bars, feed me to children, my mascot is a cute animal."
Starfire let out a laugh, nodding approvingly while they alternated back and forth. The more people filed into the theater, the quieter they became until the film started and they relented to silence.
Raven laced her fingers through Starfire's and leaned in for a kiss after every jump scare. "You are okay?" She whispered, and without fail Raven nodded reassuringly.
"I'm meditating in your room tonight." She told her as the sharp fanged monster drug a woman into the abyss.
"You must sleep in it too." Starfire agreed.
Raven didn't miss much about their life before the accident but sometimes found herself wishing for Starfire's laugh. A real laugh, too loud and with wild abandon. Drawing stares of the people around her had made Starfire self-conscious, she was quieter in everything she did, hyperaware of how much people noticed her and in what way. Though Raven strived to show her she was perfect the way she was, she understood the apprehension. People, especially in their misunderstanding, were cruel.
They snuck away before the bonus scene at the end of the credits so they wouldn't draw as much attention.
"Ready for dinner?" She asked, weaving through the crowd with Starfire despite the calls of excitement behind them.
"I am always ready for food." Starfire replied, taking over for herself once they hit the parking lot. It was easier to navigate in less crowded spaces, and there was enough room between cars that she felt comfortable squeezing through.
"Good, because I feel like some of everything."
She helped Starfire into the car and folded her chair up to put in the trunk before sliding beside her. "Want to pull up the menu?"
With a nod, Starfire carefully typed in the address on her phone with her mouthstick and started enlarging the pages. They picked out enough for the whole team to have leftovers and pulled out so someone could have their spot.
"I'm glad we did this," Raven said, "I wanted to ask sooner but I was nervous."
"I am glad too, it is…different, but not."
"I know what you mean." She paused for a long moment. "Do you feel a little more like yourself?"
Starfire watched the cars pass, some flying by down the opposite lane, some slowing down to exit. Where are you going, she wondered, to or away from home?
"I am…how you would say…confused. I am still here, even frozen, just trying to get unstuck."
They pulled up to the Chinese restaurant when Starfire insisted she park rather than drive around, "My thoughts are held." She said with a smile.
"I'll be right back, we'll keep talking." Raven left hesitantly and returned with two bags, both full. "Sorry about that."
"Don't be." Starfire said, "We shall eat chicken and cow and noodles and partake in the cookies of fortune."
Raven couldn't hold back the happiness that sent ripples of her power into the trunk, lifting Starfire's wheelchair from the ground before she recalled it with a thud.
"How can I help you get unstuck?" Raven asked, tracing the halo of the moon through the trees. The lookout was deserted, and Starfire eager to sit out in the cool night air.
"I am very unstuck with you." She said as Raven helped her into the wheelchair. She fought for the right words while Raven assembled the takeout boxes on the trunk, sitting beside them with one foot on the lip of the license plate. Her dress glowed, magnificent, against the dark sky. "I am grateful for friends," Starfire declared, "For help. But I must not only be helped. I want to help too. I know you will say I am part of the team, and I do feel you are my team, and my home, but I need…"
Raven offered a bite of sweet and sour chicken, and Starfire took it, grateful for the chance to think. It shouldn't have felt so special when Raven used the same chopsticks to take her own bite.
"You don't want to be on the sidelines." She provided after a moment, and Starfire felt the weight of the burdens ease for the faintest moment.
"Yes," She breathed, "Yes, that is exactly it."
"We'll find a way to make that happen." Raven promised, twirling noodles around her chopsticks for Starfire. She took the bite, struggling to slurp while she laughed, and Raven leaned forward to eat the ends that didn't cooperate, meeting in the middle with a kiss.
"I think I have." Starfire told her, their lips just an inch apart, "Beast Boy did not see your dress, I am a good lookout." She leaned forward to give the first real kiss she could remember without feeling like an outsider in her own body.
"Yeah," Raven said, teasingly dangling noodles at her cheek, "You are."
They could work with that.
But first they ate until they were too full to move, sitting under the stars to admire their brightness. It was Starfire who suggested they take the scratchy trunk blanket out so Raven could drape it around her like a cloak when she went inside, shielding her dress from view.
When they were ready, what always felt like too soon, they made the journey back to the tower and found the gang in front of a Wicked Scary marathon.
"I can't believe the fourth one came out and I haven't seen it yet!" Beast Boy cried.
"We can go tomorrow." Robin suggested, "There's a showing at noon."
"Noon?! You can't watch a scary movie at noon, that's like eating ice cream in a blizzard!"
The girls snuck up to change before joining the assembly, Starfire cuddled with Raven on the couch rather than in her chair.
"So, we have an idea." Raven said once the current movie – she thought it was only the second one – ended.
"Yes," Starfire agreed, "I would like to be your – our – lookout."
Cyborg clicked off the TV while Robin turned the lights on overhead. "That's a great idea Star, I could make some adjustments to the monitors so you could watch the city."
"If it was voice-activated technology, you could advise us behind the scenes." Robin added, "It would be like you were right there in the action."
She beamed at the idea, "It is possible?" She asked hopefully.
"Possible?" Cyborg repeated, "It's halfway done, all I need to do is make a few minor alterations to the mainframe, recode the alarm software to recognize your vocals, and upgrade the motherboard to keep up with the new processor."
Raven stared blankly, "In English."
"Give me about two days and a Red Bull." Cyborg replied with a grin, and flipped from the armchair to his feet.
"This is gonna be awesome!" Beast Boy cheered, and Raven hugged Starfire close.
"You knew we'd be celebrating," She said, and Starfire nodded, laying her head on her chest.
She wouldn't be able to cart villains to jail or tend Raven's wounds before she got a chance to heal them, but she could prevent as many as possible. Even if her body refused to cooperate, it had worth, it was allowed to take up space, and it didn't change who she was underneath.
As the night wore on she realized there were many things she would love to rewind.
Raven's fingers against her skin.
The breeze of fall's first overcast morning through her sweater and against her stomach, goosebumps teasing her in its wake.
Fingers that fit perfectly between hers, like a key to secrets not even she had unlocked.
But, beyond the pieces of a life she grappled for, there was a future she was still grasping. She turned her cheek to Raven's and closed her eyes to commit her kiss to memory.
For all the pain and doubt, her grip was stronger frozen.